Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Hey Red! Interesting that your H did'nt think he was bieng mean. That gives me the impression that he is just insensetive! Perhaps he should read some books on how women think? Anyway, I'm really glad that he is going to go to IC! If he gets a good one it will improve things a ton! Planning on taking advantage of a poor waiter?
Lyssa Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Books will help and how about that movie - What Women Want? I don't know if I got the title right. Don't even know if that movie would help!!
Author redfathom Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Planning on taking advantage of a poor waiter? I don't think he would see it that way !
Author redfathom Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I am glad he is getting help! He has so many things to deal with, horrible childhood, stressful job, etc. We did get a marriage book together, but only red a bit. We are both so tired that we can't stay with it for long.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I don't think he would see it that way ! Probably not! Ok, so I dont typically like to admit this, however... I have in the past been known to utilize "constructive jealousy". Now, I really hate to talk about this... cause it can be a double edged sword! However, sometimes you need to remind your partner that other people find you attractive!
Author redfathom Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 My H does not get jealous, I mean yesterday when I was ice dancing with a 22 year old 6' tall handsome guy who holds me in his arms hips touching, holding hands, he was preoccuied with taking pictues of other people skating. And the waiter is 25, very cute (short though) and he blatenly acts like he likes me he does not seem to care. Okay perfect example. This guy who I guess liked me (he said I had the nicest a$$ he has ever seen) at an old job called me up a year later and invited me to a concert. Afterwards we met my BIL and a friend and went to some bars. Almost the whole night the guy was a little too close for comfort, I like my personal space so for five days straight after that he would call or text me inviting me out and I didn't want to. So I would polietly decline. It ws starting to bother me and I mentioned it to my H who said, "Well, if you want to hang out with this guy I don't mind." He missed the whole point of what I was trying to say which was the guy was creeping me out and I wanted him to stop calling. Maybe I shuld not only show him that guys find me attractive but also show him that I find them attractive.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Why do you think he does not get jealous? I can think of a number of possibilities, but I really dont have enough info to even guess.
Author redfathom Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Maybe he does not get jealous because he does not care so much anymore. He used to get very jealous. Maybe he does get jealous but he never acts like it other then if I tell him someone hit on me he say's he'll break him arm, but not very sincerely. Again, it could be that he is not into me as much as he used to be.
dropdeadlegs Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Maybe he does not get jealous because he does not care so much anymore. He used to get very jealous. Maybe he does get jealous but he never acts like it other then if I tell him someone hit on me he say's he'll break him arm, but not very sincerely. Again, it could be that he is not into me as much as he used to be. I'm willing to bet that he has just gotten into the comfort zone, and trusts you implicitly. That can be a good thing (trust) and a not so goos thing (too much comfort.) I understand that you found it bothersome that he was photographing other skaters. I would have been livid that he doesn't understand the basics of ice dancing. I have never ice skated in my life, but I've sen the olympics, and I'm well aware of the rules regarding ice dancing. I would be hurt that he takes so little interest in your interests/hobbies. All that said, it doesn't bode well when one partner wants to show the other that he/she is attractive to others. In my experience, that is the beginning of the end. I mean this constructively, I have been where you are (completely frustrated in many aspects) but once you have flirtations with others, it makes everything more complicated than it already is, so just tread carefully in that department. In the short term it seems to attend to a need, but it only adds to current issues. IC is a great start towards salvaging things before they get worse, but after several months or even a year or so, you might want to move back towards MC as well. IC will address some personal aspects and should help in being assertive about your needs and individual expectations, but MC can be the merging of those ideas. Somehow I get the feeling that you are far more grown up than your spouse. More able to compromise, as well.
Author redfathom Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 He has mentioned that he does trust me and therefore has no need to be jealous. I tried to talk to him about the ice dancing again yesterday, I asked him how I did and he said, well it's hard to tell because all you did was skate around the rink. I again told him that you don't do jumps or spins in ice dancing but that footwork is sometimes more difficult to do and just as important. I am hurt that he does not take an interest in my ice skating or my art. You know what he likes...car racing. He goes to a 1/8 drag strip sometimes on Friday's and has me come watch (sometimes) even though it's boring. I wait 30 min for a 30 second race and then wait again for him to do it all over. I talked to him the other night about wanting to be an artists and he said, well there is the whole issue about the starving artists and while I would like it to be my career I should just keep it my hobby. So I said I did not want my talent to go to waste and he said that he would love to be a race car driver but he can't because they need to have a lot of years of experience and he would not make any money at first. I mean I am a talented artists, there are maybe thousands of artists and I am a good one. Doesn't that count for something more then a hobby. I don't want my life to amount to a hobby because instead I needed to have a nice car and a nice house. I want dreams not things. What will I tell my kids if they have dreams, well save your dreams for hobbies so you can make money and own THINGS. I should cut him some slack, I mean he has dreams too, but I would support him if he really wanted to go for it. We can sell the house and get a small apartment then we can both try for our dreams. That is what life should be about.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Red, It does kind of sound like he simply trusts you implicitly. To a certain degree that's good, but it also kind of makes me think he takes you for granted in this aspect. Dreams... See you two have been together a long time. He doesnt realize what the other girls out there are like! I'd rather have someone that chases dreams than dollars. Most girls are all about the $$$, Sad but true fact in my part of the world! Trust me, if he got out there for a while... he'd totally appreciate someone that was'nt all about the money! IC and MC, are the only things that I can see will move him in the right direction at the moment!
Author redfathom Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Yeah, many girls are like that and it is sad. Their dreams are being like Paris Hilton. My dream house, 2000 square feet (so you can raise a family) with a green lawn. Dream car, ummm...a honda, haha! At my last job I had the opprotunity to become the operations manager for the nation and make $15K more then what I was making and my H wanted me to do it, but it also meant working 60 hours a week and I told him no because to me time is more valuable then money. I can't wait until he goes back to IC, it seems to be going very well for him and it took a lot to get him to go.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Ughhh.... You just described 3 of my last 4 ex's! I know that if I ever met her... I would detest Paris Hilton! I'm so bloody competative! I'd take a new position like that for no extra money.... just to see myself a step higher in the org chart.... LOL. It took alot to turn that down! Your a better person than me! You guys have MC planned too right?
Author redfathom Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Well, I already worked ad the assistant to the president and the office manager over the operations branch and everyone was told my the president/owner that if I asked for something consider it came from me so I had a lot of authority and respect (earned and delelagted). I was able to go head to head with the current operations manager so I was okay with just not working the extra 10 hour a week. Right now he does not see the need to go to MC but we shall see. I will let him do it his way for now, I don't want to kill his motivation.
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