Annoyed!

[redfathom]

My H did two annoying things over the past few days and I need to vent about them:

 

1. I sent him a text message two weeks ago asking him to schedule a MC appt. for us. It has been since May that we have been (and we started to go because we seperated in Feb - moved back in March, and needed help) we went twice. Well, he never talked to me about the text so I asked him Sun. if he got it and he said he did but he was having a bad day so he did not call. He stopped the issue at that point so I said, well can you call. Then trying to reassure him I said, nothing had happened to make me want to go back but we only went twice so I felt that we needed to go back. He said if nothing has happened then he does not see the need for us to go.

 

2. He works grave yards, F-M and I work days M-F so we don't see each other too often. He mentioned to me this morning as I was leaving to work that he wanted to come have lunch with me and he was going to go to breakfast early with his brother then meet me at noon. Well at 11:15 I had not heard anything so I called him and he said, "Oh, yeah I mean to call you. We went to lunch late and I am not hungry so I won't be meeting you for lunch." Is it okay that I am slightly pissed off about this? He does this a lot, where he says he will call me then he doesn't then I call him and he says he forgot to call me. Plus, can't he come have lunch with me so we can spend time together. Then he said he would have lunch with me tomorrow followed by: "well, we are having dinner tonight" So I asked if that meant he would not be having lunch with me tomorrow then and he said he would let me know.

 

Should I bring up with him the fact that I am upset about #2. I mean he does this a lot. He will also ask me to call him back when I am busy at work then he answers the phone with this, what do you want attitude.

[Mr. Lucky]

I understand from item #2 why you feel the need for item #1...

 

Mr. Lucky

[redfathom]

Ahhhh, if that was the only reason!! I wish that was it, but it all bundles up into one common issue, that I feel that he takes me for granted and does not support me. I am sure he has those feeling also which is why he probrably responds to me the way he does. I think I want to go home early from work to cry.

[smartgirl]

I just picked up a book that intrigued me - "Why Men Love Bitches." It doesn't mean bitches the way one might generally mean that. But it does talk about the mistake that "good girls" make in being a little too available, a little too understanding, a little too flexible." Mostly for women starting out in a relationship, but I found it useful after 30 years together.

 

Many of us are too nice and we get treated like a doormat for our trouble. You do have a right to be mad, but your H sounds like the type that is pretty immune to talks and nagging. I think the more you press him the less result you will see. "I forgot"? What? Is he ten years old trying to pull that one? That's about as sophisticated as " I don't know who could have broken the lamp."

 

Call yourself and make the appointment for MC. Tell him the time and that you would like him to be there. If he doesn't show, don't say a thing about it to him. Let him wonder why you didn't and what you might be thinking. Make a standing appointment and tell him when it is and keep going whether he shows up or not.

 

Don't ask him whether you are going to meet for lunch. Tell him you will be coming down for lunch on xx day at xx time and that you will come to his work to pick him up.

 

You have to take charge more and quit letting him drive the bus and then get mad when you don't like the way he drives.

 

If he keeps playing games, then you need to move out because someone that doesn't repect you can't love you.

[redfathom]

You have to take charge more and quit letting him drive the bus and then get mad when you don't like the way he drives.

 

That is a smart anaolgy, haha!

 

You are right. I think I should get that book! We were both seening IC, so I should start going back, by my self if need be. I will call and make an appt. I do need to stand up for myself.

 

When I moved out and moved back in he said so many things were going to change and they havn't and now it seems that when I try to get close he pushes me away. It is just like a game.

 

I am so upset I can't focus at work right now. I want to take the rest of the day to just be by myself, but I know that wouldn't be good, I would just sit someone wallowing.

 

He fought so hard to get me to come back why would he go back to his old ways so easily? Maybe it's me, maybe I am just not seeing that he is trying. Maybe I am still bitter and it is clouding my thoughts.

[Cobra_X30]

Ahhhh, if that was the only reason!! I wish that was it, but it all bundles up into one common issue, that I feel that he takes me for granted and does not support me. I am sure he has those feeling also which is why he probrably responds to me the way he does. I think I want to go home early from work to cry.

 

 

Ahhh... Dont cry!

 

Just schedule the MC yourself and then drag him to it... by the testicles if need be!

 

Don't let him take you for granted! Let him hear your frustration and anger... and let him know why! I'm sure he wants to be a good husband... it's just he has trouble thinking of anyone but himself! Maybe if you put him on his heels, he will start to think about how you feel before he does, or doesnt do things!

[redfathom]

You know I was thinking about him not supporting me and I remember when I was in college I would ask him to read over my essays for school and not once did he do it (he always made up an excuse not to). Maybe that is why I only went to three classes and I have not gone back. That and the fact that when I said I wanted my degree in Art he told me it was a waste of time.

 

I don't understand why I need him to validate me as an individual. It's like I need his okay to tell me that it's okay to like myself and when I get the feeling like he is disinterested in me I take it so personal.

 

I am getting that feeling like I need to escape again, I am starting to question how much more of this I can take and then I think about my biological clock and it makes me want to be rash and leave the relationship - again. At 25 I feel so old, like this is my life, my whole life is happening right now and this is what it will be for years to come. I tell myself this is my destiny and then a second later I am planning how I can change it. I want more then this. But like Smartgirl said about the bus, what if I do take the reins but he does not like where I am going.

[Cobra_X30]

Well, the nice thing about a bus is that you either hop on or get out of the way!

[Cobra_X30]

You know I was thinking about him not supporting me and I remember when I was in college I would ask him to read over my essays for school and not once did he do it (he always made up an excuse not to). Maybe that is why I only went to three classes and I have not gone back. That and the fact that when I said I wanted my degree in Art he told me it was a waste of time.

 

I don't understand why I need him to validate me as an individual. It's like I need his okay to tell me that it's okay to like myself and when I get the feeling like he is disinterested in me I take it so personal.

 

Sometimes it's nice to have that support, but Ive found its also nice to learn to do things on your own.

 

You dont need him to validate you! In fact its probably an incentive for him to treat you so poorly!

 

I honestly think he acts this way because he doesnt like himself very much... but he sees all these wonderful things about you. So he tries to level the playing field by knocking you down. He needs to find a way to love himself first!

[redfathom]

Well, the nice thing about a bus is that you either hop on or get out of the way!

 

 

Haha, that is brilliant - as they say in your part of the world. I have tried to make him see how special he is, I mean I have put up with him putting me down for seven years and I always tell him how special he is, and smart, attractive, etc. When is it going to sink in because I don't know how much more I can do. I don't want to loose him but I don't want to loose myself.

[blind_otter]

I agree with Mr. Lucky. Reading your first post made me realize why you need MC, and it only got worse after that. This thread made me feel really sad. Maybe he has to lose everything to realize what he's lost. Some people are like that. I don't understand what the objection to marriage counseling is? Is he afraid that something will come out, is he afraid of losing control? I mean, the rejection of the concept of counseling is a fear based response, afaik.

[Cobra_X30]

Haha, that is brilliant - as they say in your part of the world. I have tried to make him see how special he is, I mean I have put up with him putting me down for seven years and I always tell him how special he is, and smart, attractive, etc. When is it going to sink in because I don't know how much more I can do. I don't want to loose him but I don't want to loose myself.

 

It is brilliant. Believe it!

 

Well, he needs to like himself... that's nothing you can do for him... Dont get me wrong.... what you do helps, but ultimately he is going to have to learn to accept and live with his faults. But before that happens he needs to learn how important you are! Imagine how crappy his life will be without your positive influence.

 

I think maybe that why men love bitches book might be helpful! Check your local library for it!

[redfathom]

blindotter, he is controlling, one of the worst time he ever freaked out during an argument was when I told him he was a control freak, he did not like it, why...because it was th truth.

 

Cobra,

 

So what happens to him if I don't have the strength to continue? I am so worried about him that I sometimes forget to worry about myself. If he can't love himself even when he has someone who loves him how can he love himself when he is all he has.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't understand why I need him to validate me as an individual. It's like I need his okay to tell me that it's okay to like myself and when I get the feeling like he is disinterested in me I take it so personal.

As often happens here, you yourself have pointed to the central issue. Having your whole life - happiness, security, self-esteem. etc. - hinge on his approval is no way to live. And the fact that he, sensing your need for this approval, witholds it so casually doesn't paint a very pretty picture of him ! You might want to forget about MC for now and just work on you - you need to understand why that validation you describe is so important to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra,

So what happens to him if I don't have the strength to continue? I am so worried about him that I sometimes forget to worry about myself. If he can't love himself even when he has someone who loves him how can he love himself when he is all he has.

 

You have the strength. You've gone farther than I ever could! Focus on feeding that strength, focus on building yourself up where you dont need anyone to feel fulfilled.

 

Every guy is different. I had to get drop kicked to realize my own awesomeness! I'm not sure if love could have taught me that lesson... it always seemed so unbelievable to me! I don't know how he is, but I would bet that a portion of it is job related!

 

Does he have a dream or goal in life? If so what is he doing to accomplish that dream?

[redfathom]

You sound pretty successful so I am sure you have and will go far, more then me even. You seem pretty awesome!

 

I am trying to focus on me right now, yesterday I went ice skating and this guy I skate with and I are learning throw jumps, so that was great! It's something challenging I do for myself that I happen to be pretty good at. I just can't seem to get motivated to go further, especially with my art. I want to be a comic book artist someday and I really need to push myself harder then I am but I feel like I need someone to also push me.

 

Last week at work was very stressful for him, he called me at work to talk about it and said that he didn't want to talk to be about it because he did not want to bum me out. I told him could always talk to me about work because I don't want him holding it all inside.

 

As far as I know he has accomplished his dream, I am sure he has more, like racing in the Indy 500 and such. I guess I should ask him and see what I can do to help him with it.

[Cobra_X30]

LOL... There are some things I am good at... and some things I am not. I have a great career, and all the things that go along with that. My personal life is a constant trainwreck! It's almost 100% my fault too! The last 3 years I've literally been through at least 6 girlfriends! Maybe I'm addicted to dumping poeple... I dont know. The point is though... I really admire what you have been able to accomplish!

 

Never give up on the things you have a passion for! Bieng a comic book artist sounds like fun! I keep thinking that the comic book industry is going to become more digital as time goes on. I would love to be a novel writer! I would bet that your Husband has some dreams like that too! You may just want to lend encouragement. Poeple need to have life goals and constantly strive for them! Keeps you from just muddling along in circles.

[redfathom]

Yes, well we all can't have everything at the same time. Plus everything happens for a reason, I am a firm beliver in that. If I am late to work, it's meant to be, maybe it means I avoid an accident.

 

You should be a writer. My H likes to tell himself he is perfect so he deludes himself into thinking there is nothing to fix/change/improve. I know that is something he say's hoping he will believe it.

 

I am trying to encourage him to go back to college, he is very close to getting his degree. He went back and took an English class, at the end of the semester the teacher gave them a 7 page essay project and he did not like the topic so he didn't do the essay and never went back to the class. He finished the other class he was taking at the same time. So he does need someone to push him a bit. I am trying to do that with school.

[Cobra_X30]

I dont agree with the pushing thing! In my experience when someone pushed me I just got resentful and angry. I tend to be super stubborn, so that may be why. Perhaps you are meaning to encourage him.... I think that would work best!

 

But I think you should also consider a strategy to get him to start paying more attention to you, and treating you better right now!

 

I tend towards the nuclear option... but I that should be more of a last ditch effort. How confrontational are you? Do you have a place to go if there is a big fight?

[redfathom]

I am not very confrontational at all and I really don't want to get into a big flight with him. I did mention that I was dissapointed that he did not have lunch with me and I would have been more understanding had he called me.

 

I always have a place to go, when we seperated I went to my dads and he has a guest bedroom and he said I could always come back if I needed.

 

I should have said encourage him. I want us to work out, but only if we will both be happy.

[Cobra_X30]

If possible when he does or says something negative... really jump down his throat and spend the night at you dads? It provides a negative feedback result to a negative action. Actually I'm not advocating this idea... because I dont think that negative feedback works as well on guys... we tend to be oblivious like that. But its something to think about! I can vouch that this kind of approach works well on girls though. Leave, no contact for a couple of hours... you will usually get an apology and some corrective action fairly quick! Also helps when I admit what I did wrong also!

 

Either way you may need to be less passive and more aggressive in making your feelings heard.... and don't expect him to like that in any way!

[dropdeadlegs]

Being so productive and self reliant at a young age can make 25 feel old. Try to keep those kind of thoughts in perspective, though.

 

Do you do a lot for your husband? Do you tend to most of his wants and all of his needs? I did that with my first husband and it was exhausting and felt like I was raising an additional child. I did not feel that he appreciated how much I did for him. He also worked nights. I would wake him up for work and he would still always be late. I worried that the tardiness could affect his employment, thus affecting my family.

 

While seeing a counselor she told me to stop. Stop taking care of him or he will never start doing it himself. Why should he when I would do it.

 

Boy, I don't mind telling you it was very hard to do. My habits were hard to change. He didn't lose his job, and he didn't get to work on time either, but not taking responsibility for things that were his responsibility was like having a burden lifted. Once he had to fend for himself, he did seem to appreciate me more. Sounds backwards and crazy, but it worked out that way.

 

This may not be applicable to your situation, but the same thing could be applied to a number of things. When you aren't getting props for something, stop doing it. People notice more when you stop than when you are doing. They take for granted when you are doing.

 

Stop telling him all the nice things if he doesn't tell you nice things in return. When he doesn't get the validation from you, that you would like from him, he might begin to see things from your POV. In a perfect world you wouldn't need his validation, but just take small steps and the big ones will come easier.

 

Apply this in any way you can see fit. Go to your IC if he won't go to MC. If he's an unwilling participant, it won't work anyway. Work on bettering yourself and allow him to sit stagnant. I know that would be hard because you love him and want to make your marriage work, but it can only work if there is effort from both sides. At least with working on yourself you will be better able to make important decisions regarding your future with or without him.

 

You seem like a great wife and if I can see that, he NEEDS to. God luck to ya, RF!

[redfathom]

Yes, I did do most everything for him, on some levels I still do.

 

I pay the bill (he used to until I startd to help so he just stopped doing them), I do the laundry, cook (I used to cook 4 times a week, now I hardly cook because he never says thank you), grocery shopping, personal item shopping (toothpaste, etc), call if he/we are having an issue with something (i.e. bill issue, or warranty issue), I take our the trash as much as he does, we both equally clean the bathrooms, I organize and file paperwork (not as much since I don't use the PC at home so the desk is all his to take care of), and small things around the house. He swears that he does more then I do.

 

Perfect example of how I used to be worse: We got mexican food (burritos) he dropped his so I gave him mine to eat and I made tacos at home (plus he asked me to make him some tacos too). I usually give up things to make him happy. I used to ask to buy things and he would almost always say no, but he was always spending money on his car or video/sound equipment so I just started buying stuff for me with out asking, if I wanted a new pair of shoes I would buy them.

 

He has been great today, he met me for lunch and is taking the cat to the vet, so that was great! We are supposed to go to the movies and dinner tonight, it's our date night and I am looking forward to it.

[redfathom]

If possible when he does or says something negative... really jump down his throat and spend the night at you dads? It provides a negative feedback result to a negative action. Actually I'm not advocating this idea... because I dont think that negative feedback works as well on guys... we tend to be oblivious like that. But its something to think about! I can vouch that this kind of approach works well on girls though. Leave, no contact for a couple of hours... you will usually get an apology and some corrective action fairly quick! Also helps when I admit what I did wrong also!

 

Either way you may need to be less passive and more aggressive in making your feelings heard.... and don't expect him to like that in any way!

 

I think I can jump down his throat and it that doesn't work then escalate it to staying at my dads. I have done this twice (besides the seperation) and it freaked him out. He said he was worried I was not going to come back.

 

He does leave the house when we have an argument and it used to really upset me. But now I understand he needs the time to figure our his plan of action.

[redfathom]

So I wanted to post an update. H and I have had a good and okay week together. We had a nice talk about our sex life which is not so good right now. We both feel to much pressure so I suggested we hold off on sex for a while (which he was not too happy about) but he has been having problems getting erections and I think he is either stressed about me or work, either way he needs to relax and adding another failed attempt at having sex will not help. To help him relax I set him up with a spa day yesterday, I made him an appt. and had his brother drive him to my work for lunch (the spa is across the street) so he met me for lunch then went to the spa and relaxed in the sauna and steam room then had a massage and met me at work when I got off and I drove us home.

 

Then I went ice skating (which I do every Wed) and I had a lesson with my ice dancing coach so I invited my H to watch. I was of course nervous because he is very critical of everything I do, which my teacher noticed (but I felt like I had been making such good progress I wanted him to see it). My H was actually a little rude to us. My H had brought the camera and was taking pictures mainly of other skaters so at the end of the lesson my ice dancing teacher and I asked if he took pictures of us and he said, well, all you were do was skating around the rink. I think my ice dancing teacher was offended. I explained to my H that in ice dancing you don't do jumps or spins, so it might look like we are just skating around the rink but there is more to it and that he should apologize to my teacher. He did not see it as a big deal. I felt bad so I made my H show him the pictures he did take of us dancing. And my ice dancing teacher said we looked good.

 

Oh, my ice dancing teacher was great about the whole thing, he asked me why I cared so much about his (my H) opinion anyways. Which was a nice reminder to just focus on what I wanted. And when my H was being a jerk about the pictures he gave me a look like, I see what you mean.

 

The interesting part about last night:

 

We always go to the same restaurant for dinner and usually have the same waiter (who likes me). Expect he quit two weeks ago (he plans on coming back when he is less busy) but happened to be there having dinner when we came in. So he ended up being our waiter, so he could hang out with us (we had a large party of 14). My friend that was there said that when we walked up he gave my H a dirty look. Haha!! So I should not find this ammusing but after the a$$ my H was being at the ice rink it was nice to have our waiter there (who is very cute and nice and an artist - so he could apprciate my art) admiring me.

 

I think I may have flirted a little in front of my H, but I can't tell because I am not normally a flirt.

 

Maybe my H should appreciate me, since he has some competition (well not actually, since I am married).

 

The waiter works at a bar on weekends that I have been to and my BIL's go to. They want us to go this weekend so we - they - can have free drinks. I think that would be rude of me and I don't want to take advantage of his feelings for me.

 

I should add that other then last night my H has not been too bad. He did say he wants to go to IC, and figures that if we work on ourselves individually the marrige will also get better.