besidemyself Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Okay, so I started seeing this woman back in December and we instantly hit it off. We talked on the phone all the time and finished each others sentences and I was really starting to have feelings for her. She had come off of a bad divorce and had some baggage, but I thought I could break through all that. She thought I was the funniest guy she ever met and I thought she was the funniest girl I ever met. We didn't see each other that often and I really wished we could have, but as we got to know each other more and she saw that I started to have feelings for her, she started to push me away. She still wanted to talk all the time, but she wouldn't want to see me as much and it really frustrated me. I finally confronted her and she told me that the circumstances of her marriage made it that she didn't want to commit to any one person. I wasn't looking for a commitment, just to spend more time with her. She also told me she wanted to see what else was out there which really hurt me because I thought she didn't think I was good enough for her. I finally told her how I felt about her and that's when it all fell apart. She told me how wonderful I was and what a great guy I am and blah, blah, blah, but it meant nothing at this point. I broke down and cried in front of her and when I look back I wish I had been stronger and told her off. To save my self respect, I told her I wouldn't be talking to her anymore and that was 4 months ago. It still hurts now because I have never felt so strongly about someone and I wanted to be with her so much. I just can't get her out of my mind. I have tried dating other women, but they either do nothing for me or they are complete pieces of work who don't care how they treat men. I am determined not to contact her again because I know it will only make me hurt all over again, but why am I feeling so distraught all these months later. I know she really liked me and said it was a timing thing. For that matter, she gave me so many excuses except actually sitting me down and breaking up with me. I mean there was never any "we have to have a talk". She just kept letting me thing there was something between us and me being the stupid one kept thinking there was. I feel like such an idiot for not seeing it sooner and not getting out sooner. But yet, I still pine away for this woman. I wonder if I don't ever contact her if she will ever contact me again and if there is a possibility for a second chance. We never fought and got along great. I just had to tell her that I refused to be put into the freinds zone and that she will not be hearing from me again. I do wonder if this had any effect on her, but it probably didn't because she has a lot of guy friends and I was just some passing fancy. I just could never get through to her and to this day I am still confused about the whole thing. I felt I did everything right and it still wasn't enough. Maybe she has too many issues and that is why she wouldn't let me in to her heart. Regardless, it has been a big hit to my self-esteem and I have been a total wreck with women ever since. I mean anxiety attacks and complete lack of confidence and frustration. This is totally not me, but this woman played me and I fell right into it. What can I do to get past it and what can I do to stop thinking she might contact me one day to talk about what happened and really open up to me and apologize for what she did. She made me feel on top of the world and then in only a short amount of time, she made me feel like I was in the deepest depths of despair.
xxkiwihoneyxx Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Dear BesideMyself I totally understand what you are going through and this must be so hard for you. Why can't they see when you love them so much and you had such a good relationship and were so right for each other ?! Perhaps I can help from my own personal story. I have been in both situations before - hers and yours. A couple of years ago I went through a long time of meeting fantastic guys but I just wasn't emotionally able to have a real relationship with any of them. I wasn't really even able to explain why which made it worse for them because they took it so personally. I couldn't end things and kept it dragging on. I ended up hurting one man so much and I'm so deeply sorry for that now. Eventually I realised my life wasn't working and went to a psychotherapist. Now I feel that I have resolved my issues and in the past year came to a place when I was finally really truly available for the right man. But as you will see from my post (Will he ever come back to me?) my boyfriend whom I absolutely love has just left me and I'm devastated, wondering why and what is he thinking and what will happen to me etc. My BF has gone into therapy, I hope so much it is to work out issues and he will come back to me but its also very likely that he might just run away from facing the big issues and use it to justify his decision and make himself feel better about the breakup and move on quicker...all the while I pathetically hold onto false hope destroying myself in the process. Based on what I have learnt from the situation I was in and the situation I am in now is that you cannot control other people and what they choose to do is almost always because of them and not you. It sounds like this woman you love is just not able to have a relationship at this point in her life and until she chooses to change that of her own accord she never will be. It's not your fault - even if you are the most perfect man on earth she still just won't be able to be with you. It's devastating because you can see everything it could be. So what do you do? I would suggest you write her a gentle, simple letter, just telling her how you feel and ask her to reconsider. Take your time and make sure you get it right for you. Read it through with a few trusted friends and give it a few days and then post it to her. It may open the way for you guys if you are gentle and positive enough and she is in the right place for it emotionally now. But also if she doesn't respond or says something equivalent to "thanks but not right now" then you can take that as a NO and use that to get your closure on this relationship and move on. I think this will take you out of the NC hell and give you your power back in this situation. Then, as awful as it sounds right now, you can heal and hopefully find a woman who is available and will love you back like you deserve. It's always so easy to give other people advice because your heart isn't involved. Maybe you could give me so advice on my situation too, if you look at my post. Happiness and healing to you Kiwihoney
Author besidemyself Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 Kiwi, I think you hit the nail on the head. She is just not emotionally ready for a relationship. I know she was jumping from guy to guy and she even told me at one point she was looking for "Mr. Right Now" and not "Mr. Right". She just wants to see what is out there and have fun I guess. The thing that hurts is that I thought I made some kind of impression on her because I thought she and I matched so well. And her not really being able to explain why really did hurt because it made me so confused and I did take it personally. I thought about all the things I could have done better, but I never did anything to make her angry at me and she always laughed whenever we talked. It made my stomach go into knots when she didn't want to see me anymore. She was so proud of how many guys she had dated that she had turned into friends and I told her I wouldn't have that and have been doing NC for 4 months now. I did have some contact after the breakup, but only when she called me and I would only return the call a few days later. I finally told her I didn't want to talk to her again because I was in love with her and you can't be friends w/ someone you're in love with. She gave me the usual "you're a wonderful guy crap" and some other kind words, but I told her it meant nothing coming from her at this point. I don't think I can right a letter to her after I told her I wouldn't be talking to her again. I have my pride and self-respect and at least I got out of there with that somewhat intact. If I do contact her again, it makes me weak and if it turns out badly, which I think it will, I will be devastated. I know NC is to help you heal and it has to some degree after 4 months, but this girl got under my skin like no other and there is still a part of me that wants to be with her so much. I wish I could meet someone who is emotionally available and who I hit it off with so I can finally put this one to rest.
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