Males I Need You to answer!!! Women As Well

[blueladybird]

I need as many thoughtful answers as possible. pls help.

 

Hi. My boyfriend broke up with me about a wee ago. He seemed very into me, it came as a shock. He has gone back to university, to do a masters programme, outside london. Whilst i live in london.

The question is, men dont usually break up with someone they seemed to like so much, if there is no other person right? At 1st he suggested a break, and i probbed him with a lot of questions. He was very unwilling to say much, and one thing led to another, a break..he sounded so relieved when we broke up. it hurt.

 

He said there was noone, he said he didnt like anyone. I find that so hard to believe, as there is lady he liked previously (although nothing happened between them), that happens to start at this same university he is taking his masters programme in. Furthermore, previously whilst we were together, I saw that he had sent her a message via email Nothing big, but it was a bit random.

 

I think he broke up with me to be with someone else. What do you think? He was so cold to me, he has not contacted me since this breakup which happened about a week ago. He gives me the impression he wants to focus solely on his masters programme, but that doesnt sound convincing.

 

What do you think?? Do you think a guy would want out of the relationship so much if he didnt have a back up plan. Especially as the relationship betwenn both of us seemed to going so fine. A few arguments sometimes but we really cared for eachother.

Thanks so much for your time.

[reboot]

Some men don't "need" a woman in their lives, some do. You know him better than us, which one is he?

[cj1988]

Sorry, sounds like my H......he wanted out after I accused him of an affair...he also said it was not about another woman, we have been togther for over 12 years. He never left and started speaking to me again after 4 months of cold torture.....do I think it was another woman, yes !

[blueladybird]

Thanks. He is a very smooth guy, not too much of a womaniser. Just the regular guy who likes women, not in excess.

I thought i was doing fine, but it all clicks now. Why did he say we could not work things out when i asked.

[alwayshurt]

Sorry to say, but from a prospective men's view, I believe he has another woman. Especially if he refuses to talk to you or he hasn't approached you at all. How long you've been together? I would just do same...NC. If you've been long together he may start thinking of you and miss you. He may reconsider his choice...hopefully by then you've moved on and send him to hell.

[Darkzen]

He refused to talk it out, because his reasons are unjustified and it's way of dealing with it. Move on and find someone who is honest. I'd rather someone be honest with their reasons then just give no logical reasons. Don't doubt yourself though, do whatever is necessary to feel vindicated. Leaving you wondering is extremely cruel on his part.

[SuperHands]

I would say not to even dwell on it. Whatever the reason is, it'll hurt. So finding out the reason for sure will do nothing more than move your hurt to a new perspective.

 

As others have said, start NC and concentrate on moving forward.

 

Best Wishes.

[niceguy27]

Yeah, he may have found someone else. Nothing serious I bet, but someone new. Dont talk to him, let him come to you. Go jogging, diet, etc. Youll feel 10 times better and when he does call or see you, that attractiveness will come back. Let him make the move.

 

And stay on here for a while. A lot of people on here have some good advice to help you through this!

[blueladybird]

thankks so much. I really appreciate it. I broke down again today, but after reading these posts i feel so much better. pls keep them coming. he said he couldnt work things out and when i asked him why he had no reason!! i asked him, 'family problems'?no, 'anything bad happen'?no, no answer. This life.

[Darkzen]

thankks so much. I really appreciate it. I broke down again today, but after reading these posts i feel so much better. pls keep them coming. he said he couldnt work things out and when i asked him why he had no reason!! i asked him, 'family problems'?no, 'anything bad happen'?no, no answer. This life.

 

He has no reason worthy of his actions or he'd had told you them. He's not what you thought he was. I know the feeling and I took action against someone who did something very similar to me. Most people want to consider me a bad person for it, but TBH I needed it to feel the situation was balanced. If you can move on without doubting yourself because of his actions, do so. Otherwise do whatever you feel is necessary to feel reckoning in this situation. Logic will tell you that you didn't do anything wrong, but logic won't always change your emotional state. I got tired of shouldering other people's responsibilities and fought back. He made the choice to leave, it's his responsibility to explain why. To do otherwise is unfair to you and cruel.

[blueladybird]

Wow..im glad someone understands the way i feel. I must add that at 1st he said 'we argue and i go on and on about things'. when infact we dont really argue, and the only tiimes we argued, they were so petty. Nothing major, nothing big. u know. He then changed, when he realised that was a silly excuse cos it was not really valid. He then said..'its me its not you, im not happy..i didnt know i wud feel this way'. I was so shocked. Everythinh seemed to be going fine, I was caring and loving to him. He seemed so good, i still cant bleieve this is the same person.

How can he be so cold to me, when he is in the wrong.

He then finally said 'he is sorry' etc.

how can he be so cold?? making me wonder what i did wrong to deserve this. My mind has been going crazy sometimes, wondering what went wrong. I dont understand.

Imtrying to get my life back on track. Its hard with the lingering thots''wat did i do' etc.

[Darkzen]

Wow..im glad someone understands the way i feel. I must add that at 1st he said 'we argue and i go on and on about things'. when infact we dont really argue, and the only tiimes we argued, they were so petty. Nothing major, nothing big. u know. He then changed, when he realised that was a silly excuse cos it was not really valid. He then said..'its me its not you, im not happy..i didnt know i wud feel this way'. I was so shocked. Everythinh seemed to be going fine, I was caring and loving to him. He seemed so good, i still cant bleieve this is the same person.

How can he be so cold to me, when he is in the wrong.

He then finally said 'he is sorry' etc.

how can he be so cold?? making me wonder what i did wrong to deserve this. My mind has been going crazy sometimes, wondering what went wrong. I dont understand.

Imtrying to get my life back on track. Its hard with the lingering thots''wat did i do' etc.

 

Read the thread I started in this subgroup about "destroying someone's life". You might find my views helpful. It sounds almost exactly like what my ex did to me... the conversation you described is almost identical. I know exactly how you feel right now, maybe my "extreme" views won't be the answer, but you should be able to identify with my outlook.

 

Be prepared it's long and boring at times, but eitherway, you'll see some perspective from both sides of the debate.

[reboot]

Yes, by all means, destroy this man because he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

[Darkzen]

Yes, by all means, destroy this man because he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

 

LOL. Reading is fundamental. I hear hooked on phonics is pretty good, you may want to invest.

 

Our situations aren't the same by any means. I doubt this guy treated her like **** for 9 years. But him refusing to "be a man" and fess up for his reasons is disrespectful and unfair to her. It'll bring about doubts in herself and cause her the inability to move on, feeling things aren't even. Nine years of abuse is a lot to balance out... my ex deserved what she got.

[Ocean-Blue]

I haven't read any of the other posts (aside from your original post)...

 

I wouldn't say definitively that he's got another woman on his mind. But from what you've written, he's not interested in you any longer. Because if he were, he'd let you know. He's being a total jerk by keeping you in the dark and making you wonder...

 

Perhaps he isn't interested in pursuing a long distance relationship with you. He may be thinking "no regular sex", "long phone calls", "lots of going in and out of London"...!

 

Try talking to him again (perhaps an email...sometimes it's much easier to get your thought down that way). Plus, you can leave messy emotions when you email (and he's more inclined to respond).

 

Your best bet is to keep yourself occupied (I know, easier said than done). There is no point in you trying to make sense of what is going on - b/c only he can tell you what is going on.

[blueladybird]

lol..thanks guys. I feel so much better. I sent him a letter previously, talking bout how we cud 'work things out', although there was nothing that needed to be worked on per say.lol.

But i want to go and read the article suggested. Should be a good read.

And you are right, the long distance thing came to my mind. Maybe he cannot be bothered. one thing is for sure, he will miss me..well hopefully...maybe in a few months. But by then i wud be gone.

Let me go read the article suggested. brb.

[bloodaye]

most people dont leave without a back-up plan,noone wants to b alone they play the field while they r still with u,and when they realize that the other is better they jet,he was comparing the 2 of u and realized he liked the other better,while he was still with u,if the other didnt work,u r still there.Its not what u wanted to hear,but its a pretty ****ty fact,it happened to me and i know people who have done this.

[GuerreroAzteca]

i've recently found out that yes when the reasons are not valid there are no reasons at all. They leave you hanging.

 

My girl cared about me so much that she did not want to tell me she met someone new.

 

That frame of thinking is selfishly skewed. Altough it seems she did it for my wellbeing and she truly truly believes that, the actual result is keeping me in the backburner for her own feelings, which she does not accept.

 

People that are immature are like babies, they may not realize why they cry when they are hungry the just know the result.

 

Same here its a natural feeling and a person that is not in touch with themselves or mature cannot even tell they are doing this.

 

You wonder and wonder and ask ask for logic but they are so narrow minded that even though the logic is there and the results are there they just act in the moment and dont give you any reasons.

 

both ways though someone smart may be aware of their actions and do it on purpose. thats up to you to decide.

[Sanslatete]

Yeah, sorry to say, but it does seem like he's got someone else. I was dumped 2 and a half months ago by my GF of 6 and a half years and she's done the same. Any contact I do get is cold and distant, which hurts a lot because we were inseperable. Some idiot gives her the come on and I'm left an emotional wreck with no direction. It sucks but what can you do except get on with it and hope for the best. Lots of luck, I know you need it right now.

[Reactor]

i've recently found out that yes when the reasons are not valid there are no reasons at all. They leave you hanging.

 

My girl cared about me so much that she did not want to tell me she met someone new.

 

That frame of thinking is selfishly skewed. Altough it seems she did it for my wellbeing and she truly truly believes that, the actual result is keeping me in the backburner for her own feelings, which she does not accept.

 

People that are immature are like babies, they may not realize why they cry when they are hungry the just know the result.

 

Same here its a natural feeling and a person that is not in touch with themselves or mature cannot even tell they are doing this.

 

You wonder and wonder and ask ask for logic but they are so narrow minded that even though the logic is there and the results are there they just act in the moment and dont give you any reasons.

 

both ways though someone smart may be aware of their actions and do it on purpose. thats up to you to decide.

 

Too true. Immaturity was one of the main reasons for my relationship breakdown.

 

I hate to say it, but these people rarely see what they've lost, they just move on and invariably end up hurting someone else and not realising why that relationship ended.

 

Often they don't see their own problems and if they do, they tend to ignore them.

[StaringContest]

There's a good chance that there's another girl. But what does it really change if there is?

 

I just don't get this idea that a person needs to be punished for not giving a good enough reason for breaking up with you. In my experience, most people aren't 100% honest about why they're breaking up with someone. Sometimes they're trying to spare the person's feelings, sometimes they don't even know the real reasons, and sometimes they're doing it because they're guilty of something and don't want to admit to it.

 

No matter what their reasons, the fact still remains that they don't want to be with you, and no amount of debating and refuting their reasons is going to convince them otherwise.

 

A person doesn't need to justify why they're dumping you. Sure it's nice when they do, and I would definitely give a person the real reasons, but you shouldn't expect it to the point where you're going to make someone pay if they don't. And I hate to say this because it might sound insulting to you, blueladybird, but the person begging for reasons tends to come off as a little pathetic.

 

If someone doesn't want to be with you, accept it and walk away with dignity. They obviously weren't the right person for you.

 

And next time someone tells you they want a break, let them have one permanently.

[Darkzen]

There's a good chance that there's another girl. But what does it really change if there is?

 

I just don't get this idea that a person needs to be punished for not giving a good enough reason for breaking up with you. In my experience, most people aren't 100% honest about why they're breaking up with someone. Sometimes they're trying to spare the person's feelings, sometimes they don't even know the real reasons, and sometimes they're doing it because they're guilty of something and don't want to admit to it.

 

No matter what their reasons, the fact still remains that they don't want to be with you, and no amount of debating and refuting their reasons is going to convince them otherwise.

 

A person doesn't need to justify why they're dumping you. Sure it's nice when they do, and I would definitely give a person the real reasons, but you shouldn't expect it to the point where you're going to make someone pay if they don't. And I hate to say this because it might sound insulting to you, blueladybird, but the person begging for reasons tends to come off as a little pathetic.

 

If someone doesn't want to be with you, accept it and walk away with dignity. They obviously weren't the right person for you.

 

And next time someone tells you they want a break, let them have one permanently.

 

People need closure to move on. Feeling responsible for someone else actions can't always be shaken off so easily. It's not about punishing them, it's about feeling vindicated when you are treated unfairly.

 

Unfortunately for me, that involved punishing my ex. I didn't suggest for BLB to ruin this guy's life. I suggested that she do what she needs to do to feel vindicated if she cannot put it behind her as easily as some here can. She can read my thread and make her own decisions. At the very least, it's nice to hear from others who share your problem.

 

Seriously, take the glasses off and look at things objectively. You don't have to agree with what I did or why I did it, that doesn't make my actions wrong... just wrong for you maybe. I wish I could have walked away and not felt treated unfairly, I don't desire to hurt others, but we do what we must at times.

[tinke]

oh blueladybird....i too, know that pain, that puzzlement!

sorry if i had overlooked it, but how long had you been together?

 

mine suddenly vanished after 10 yrs., the last 3 LD...we visited often. he left with no more than a goodbye, by e-mail nonetheless. no response from my contacts, etc.

 

there was someone else. it has taken me months just to get past the surreal phase, and move into acceptance. the pain that lingers is mostly from the way he ended it, very cold, callouse..matter of fact. no real explanantion.

 

unfortunately, i don't know of any easy way to go through this....except, feel it. one day, something will click inside you and your thinking will take on a different form, one which protects YOU.

 

the truth is, he is shallow and immature(as mine). and i would bet if he did come back, his communication skills would still be lacking. it would be very difficult trusting him, waiting for the same to reoccur.

 

although i am sure your head is full of unanswered questions, the answer probably is that there is no answer...he simply left! he found no reason to discuss anything with you before or after the fact, and came up with b.s. to try to justify his actions.

he ran! and in my case, and many that i had read here, that usually is a sign....he ran to another! sorry!

it seems when it doesn't make sense, that is usually the case!

 

sorry for your pain. please trust, it will become easier...you will begin to think less of him, and think of him less!

he is not worth all of your energy! you will see this on your own.

[StaringContest]

Seriously, take the glasses off and look at things objectively. You don't have to agree with what I did or why I did it, that doesn't make my actions wrong... just wrong for you maybe. I wish I could have walked away and not felt treated unfairly, I don't desire to hurt others, but we do what we must at times.

 

I wasn't talking to you. My comments were directed at blb, because she might actually be interested in hearing other people's opinions. We're talking about her in this thread. Everything isn't all about you. Don't thread-jack.

 

And I've never said you were wrong.

[Darkzen]

I wasn't talking to you. My comments were directed at blb, because she might actually be interested in hearing other people's opinions. We're talking about her in this thread. Everything isn't all about you. Don't thread-jack.

 

And I've never said you were wrong.

 

If that's the case then I apologize. But considering no one said anything about punishing the person (except me alluding to it), I assumed that one comment was directed at me.

 

I'm probably a little sensitive because of the comment from someone earlier in the thread... like I said though, if I mis-interpreted your intention, I apologize.