TogetherForever Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 This is what I will never understand. Why are so many women worried when the wife finds out? 2,3,4 d-days? Wouldn't you rather have 1 d-day where the wife finds out & then a decision be made? And if no decision, be done with the relationship? Please explain why you'd want to remain a secrete forever. Thanks. TF
NoIDidn't Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 TF I agree. I also don't understand the double standard. The questions of "how many d-days must me and MM have before his W wises up and leaves him?" That's a bunch of bull. Why not realize that however many d-days, they (MM and W) are staying married regardless of how long the A has been going on? Seriously, is multiple d-days like bragging rights for how committed MM is to sneaking around with you?
OWoman Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 This is what I will never understand. Why are so many women worried when the wife finds out? 2,3,4 d-days? Wouldn't you rather have 1 d-day where the wife finds out & then a decision be made? And if no decision, be done with the relationship? Please explain why you'd want to remain a secrete forever. Thanks. TF Speaking not for my current R, but for As I've had with MM in the past - they were As, which was what both sides wanted. Something part time, on the side, as and when it was mutually suitable. Precisely because DDay would have forced a choice and ended the A as it was, it was something I wanted to avoid. Where the MM chose to leave his wife I terminated the A, because I knew it could no longer be what I wanted. But that's clearly a different situation to what I've heard expressed by many OW here, who WANT a full time relationship with their MM. Perhaps in those cases there's a fear that even that which they have, partial as it is, might be taken away?
Author TogetherForever Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 D-Day, Oh My God! She knows! And why would this be such a shocker? If you're involved with someone who is married & has no intentions of leaving, why all the boo-hooing? If you don't want to be in that predicament, don't bother getting into to it in the first place! What are the ow scared of? Being caught & losing the mm?
NoIDidn't Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 What are the ow scared of? Being caught & losing the mm? TF What has gotten into you? Did someone steal your log in? LOL! Anyway, what I quoted was a powerful statement that many OW have said is a real fear. The very real fear that the A will be over when the W finds out because MM wasn't that serious about the A (yet, or ever). But the thing is, the ones that have the multiple d-days seem to realize that they can get caught and still not lose the MM. But do they realize that they still don't have him?
stillafool Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I think the OW is afraid of D-day because the Wifey may go off and physcially hurt them. That would be my guess.
Author TogetherForever Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I guess that's what I don't & will never understand. Why have a fear of losing him when the wife finds out. If it was a matter of just having sex with married people, d-day wouldn't be a problem (or cause fear). But when there's a supposed (sp) relationship with the married person, d-day is like a dreaded disease. I just don't get it & maybe I never will. (Or maybe there's just not anything to get ) TF
OWoman Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I think the OW is afraid of D-day because the Wifey may go off and physcially hurt them. That would be my guess. Possible, in some cases. Emotions run high, all round. I think one of the other possibilities is losing control over what happens. When it's a secret, the OW and the MM have the information and can steer the A according to their needs. They can work around constraints and use opportunities that arise. If the BW suddenly gets access to that information too, they no longer have access to those opportunities in the same way, and the constraints can be increased so that possibilities get further limited. Also, in the scenario where the MM tells his W about the A, there's a sense of him being able to set the scene, make sure the timing is OK, handle the fallout and minimise the damage. If the BW finds out in some other way, it might be forced on the MM (and the OW!) in a way neither of them can control or predict, and so the fall out and the damage perhaps can't be contained in the same way.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 How can you lose something you've never really had? Sure, the MM is in the affair, but his life is built around someone else...And, 9/10 when D-Day happens, the MM isn't going to give up all that he's got at home. Love or not, it just may be too much to give up. And, this isn't just about staying for the kids sake - It's the MM's WHOLE life as he knows it. Flipside is, if he is selfish enough, he'll do all that he can to make the peace at home and continue his A on the side.
Author TogetherForever Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 How can you lose something you've never really had? Sure, the MM is in the affair, but his life is built around someone else...And, 9/10 when D-Day happens, the MM isn't going to give up all that he's got at home. Love or not, it just may be too much to give up. And, this isn't just about staying for the kids sake - It's the MM's WHOLE life as he knows it. Flipside is, if he is selfish enough, he'll do all that he can to make the peace at home and continue his A on the side. Well, IMO, someone would have to be out of their minds to want to stay in an "affair" & be kept as a secret. It's crazy to continue to be an on-the-side whatever you call it. With no plans for a future. Just a waste of time & energy. Butcha see it all the time here. TF shrugging shoulders.
PoshPrincess Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 This is what I will never understand. Why are so many women worried when the wife finds out? 2,3,4 d-days? Wouldn't you rather have 1 d-day where the wife finds out & then a decision be made? And if no decision, be done with the relationship? Please explain why you'd want to remain a secrete forever. Thanks. TF I expected that DDay could possibly come at some point, which it did. I WAS scared of it happening, partly because in the back of my mind I thought MM may decide to end things with us, but also I was scared of how it would affect MM. We had often discussed him leaving and neither of us had wanted his W to ever know that we had been together and more to the point, he didn't want his kids to find out that he had cheated on their Mum - didn't want them to think badly of him. We had planned to keep our R underwraps if possible until a while after he had left. He didn't want to hurt his family more than he had to by them knowing that he was leaving to be with someone else. I daresay on my part this sounds naiive and gullible and on his part, cowardly, but I am just telling it how it was. We did carry on for a while after but really DDay certainly was the beginning of the end, as it inevitably is for either the BS or the OW. I certainly wouldn't blame the W for taking her H back time and time again (this wasn't the case with us, we only had one DDay and she never knew the real truth anyway). I think the OW should look at blaming the MM for not wanting to/not having the balls to leave. Of course, OW who take the MM back time and time again after DDay ARE just as bad as the BSs who do the same!
marlena Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I think the OW is afraid of D-day because the Wife may go off and physcially hurt them. That would be my guess. Yes, I think they definitely fear that the BS wil go stark raving mad, stalk them and knife them in the back!!! As well they should!!! Many people are extremely jealous and possessive and are very co - dependent in their marriages. A BS's reaction is very unpredictable and can be dangerous. They rarely blame their cheating and lying husbands but turn all their rage for being slighted this way on the OW. Misplaced rage IMO but that's how it is. Another good reason to not start an A. Who wants to be watching their back constantly?
OWoman Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Well, IMO, someone would have to be out of their minds to want to stay in an "affair" & be kept as a secret. It's crazy to continue to be an on-the-side whatever you call it. With no plans for a future. Just a waste of time & energy. Butcha see it all the time here. TF shrugging shoulders. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks, I guess. It was what suited me at the time. I had too much else going on in my life to have the time to waste doing emotional housecleaning for someone, literally just wanted to cherry-pick the good stuff and not have to deal with the cr@p. I didn't WANT a future with any of those guys - or any other guy - and wanted to have the space and freedom to call the shots in my own life around the needs of myself and dependents (animal and small human), work, friends, etc. I've moved into a different space now and my current R has turned out rather differently to what either of us expected, and that's just how it is. But it's not what I wanted back then, and I'm sure there are as many different ideal outcomes as their are OW.
solitude Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I would be afraid to lose him. As long as I'm a secert I'm with him. and like OWoman said about losing control over what happens. The A takse a whole different turn when the wife finds out.
OWoman Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 They rarely blame their cheating and lying husbands but turn all their rage for being slighted this way on the OW. Misplaced rage IMO but that's how it is. Maybe, but understandable. If you're wanting to continue with your M, you can't really afford to see your H as something you can't respect - else why are you still with him? Far "better" to blame something external, to cast him as a victim so that you can both work on things "together", on the same side against a common threat. And, in some cases, there's some grounds. Some of the MM I've had As with have not been serial philanderers, have never strayed outside their M until I hit them over the head and dragged them over to the dark side. Not that they put up much fight, mind you, but they weren't the big baddies preying on some innocent woman for their own nefarious purpose.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Each to their own TF. My first D-Day my MM separated soon after and our R carried on, although our R was still a secret as to protect his W & children from hurting more after the discovery. Whilst separated, we were discovered again. This probably would have been the best time to come clean. However, W was extremely desperate and involved her children and used physical violence against MM. Final D Day was when we were on holiday together which ended up in a suicide threat from the W. Its valid to ask "why stay?" but in my situation the involvement of children in everything including decision-making made D-Day time where MM was called in to smooth over the situation instead of igniting another crisis situation
Author TogetherForever Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I understand to each their own. I was trying to understand the "why be shocked & upset when she finds out" thing. You know going into it that there's going to be a d-day eventually.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I understand to each their own. I was trying to understand the "why be shocked & upset when she finds out" thing. You know going into it that there's going to be a d-day eventually. Originally, I was naive enough to think that MM would slowly bow out of his M, spend some time ato figure out his life and then we would establish our relationship as "meeting after divorcing". I miss naivety! A D-day was something I feared in a way of being the catalyst of what would happen, but something I didn't really think would ever occur, if that makes sense.
annabelle75 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I guess I don't really get it either. Unless the OW prefers to just keep the relationship as secret A, I don't see how the D-Day could be so dreaded. It seems to me that it would finally be the day where you would find out where your relationship stands. Either the MM would then be forced to choose the OW and end the marriage or he would chose to stay with his W and the OW would know that the MM is more devoted to his marriage than to the OW. The OW could then stop wasting their time waiting on the MM and move on with their lives. Thats just how I see it. My MM eventually chose to stay with his W, although it was heartbreaking at the time I'm glad he finally did it so I could move on with my life.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Thats just how I see it. My MM eventually chose to stay with his W, although it was heartbreaking at the time I'm glad he finally did it so I could move on with my life. Unfortunately I think some OW would rather have those bits and pieces of the MM in her life as it's better than not having him at all. When D-Day happens, it's some OW's worst fear coming true because she more than likely WILL lose the MM forever and be forced to go on with her life without him in it. Good for you annabell! I'm glad you're able to move on with your life.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I wish D Day had been that simple - I would have welcomed a "choice". And I got a choice once, when they separated. But even then, the lines were so blurred for me. Had there been no children involved it would have been fight or flight for our affair or for his marriage. But children have to be the priority during these times, they were watching scenes unfold that no children should ever have to witness in their lives. It was just never as cut and dried for us...
Author TogetherForever Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I guess I don't really get it either. Unless the OW prefers to just keep the relationship as secret A, I don't see how the D-Day could be so dreaded. It seems to me that it would finally be the day where you would find out where your relationship stands. Either the MM would then be forced to choose the OW and end the marriage or he would chose to stay with his W and the OW would know that the MM is more devoted to his marriage than to the OW. The OW could then stop wasting their time waiting on the MM and move on with their lives. Thats just how I see it. My MM eventually chose to stay with his W, although it was heartbreaking at the time I'm glad he finally did it so I could move on with my life. Annabelle, That's why I say not to be so shocked when d-day comes along. It's a given that the wife will find out. No shocker there! Everything done in the dark will come out in the light. Sometimes that's what it takes for a decision to be made.
marlena Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Maybe, but understandable. If you're wanting to continue with your M, you can't really afford to see your H as something you can't respect - else why are you still with him? Far "better" to blame something external, to cast him as a victim so that you can both work on things "together", on the same side against a common threat.. Yes, but this so delusional. You can't begin to address a problem if you do not stare it in the face and come to grips with it. In my opinion, the main person at fault in affairs is the cheating spouse. Not the wife, not the OW. Most (not all) are mere victims to the spouse's selfishness. I can respect someone wanting to fix their M after an A but it is my conviction that the wayward spouse has to accept his responsiblity in starting the affair. If we absolve our husband of any blame it is tantamount to condoning and validating his actions. If he isn't held accountable, it is just that much easier for him to do it again and again since we enable it. Make sense?
PoshPrincess Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 If we absolve our husband of any blame it is tantamount to condoning and validating his actions. If he isn't held accountable, it is just that much easier for him to do it again and again since we enable it. Make sense? This does make sense Marlena but some WHs don't tell their Ws the whole truth anyway. My exMM certainly didn't. He made out it was a platonic friendship and nothing more. We hadn't had sex but everything else was there including the dreaded 'L' word, and talk of the future, etc. I am sure that if his W HAD known that she may well have kicked him to the kerb! My only regret is that when DDay did happen I didn't end things with MM immediately. I shouldn't have carried on seeing him. I should have told him to sort his life out! BIG REGRET!!!
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