serendip Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I just can't stop thinking about the ex. I should have never replied to her email a couple of weeks ago after 2 mths of no contact. I was doing fine before...now I feel like I'm back at the beginning. Yesterday I was out on a date with a really nice girl...we were having drinks on a great patio and all I can think about was the ex. It was terrible...after 4 months since we broke up...I'm still messed up. I have all these mixed feelings...I care for her like no one else one moment and the next...I hate her for cheating on me and I'm angry with myself for not walking away...instead I ended messing with her head in retalliation for cheating. I think about all these great times we had together and they are all ruin because of her cheating. She most likely feels the same way about me after I told her what I had done...she even said this in one of her emails... I thought we had a really great relatioship but now everything seems like it was so wrong. It is hard for me to see you as the same person, but i know you are. Anyways, i guess it is too difficult to be friends because of everything that happened. We are bound to have resentment for each other. i just wish I could get over that. Sometimes i wonder how things would have worked out if I hadn't moved out here...but I guess I figured at the time that if things were really meant to be for us it would work out despite the distance and it would be a good test of the relationship. Maybe it would have worked out if i hadn't met this other guy...cause you were willing to do the long distance thing with me. I ghuess it was too hard to work things out long distance when you were so hurt. I just wish you had been honest with me right from the beginning (since Christmas)....Maybe we would have worked things out if you had told me the truth instead of spy on my behind my back. I feel like you were Big Brother or something... It is a horrible feeling..especially since I cared about you so much Anyways i know you would argue it was my fault since I cheated on you and started this whole chain reaction...I guess you are right but you are still responsible for your reaction to everything and I did try to be honest with you. What a horrible drama. It was like being in a soap opera...i never want my life to be like that again. I guess I learned a lot from the whole experience though. I think I should have broken up with you when I moved out here...I know I shouldn't have cheated on you (that is a given). I really don't know what came over me. It was this crazy intense attraction to this other guy. I don't even know why since he wasn't somebody I could see myself with in the future...but it was still this insane attraction. I think there must be a reason for it all...some lesson I was supposed to learn or something. I felt like he had something to teach me...This vagabond guy had some lessons in life that I felt I needed to learn. All I can do is apologize to you for my actions. I know that you are a really good person and I want to remember you in a positive way..but it is really hard to forget all that stuff.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Wow. It sounds like she takes absolutely no responsibility for her cheating, yet instead gives the excuse of it being a "lesson" she had to learn. She sounds like a complete waste of time. I know that doesn't help, though, since regardless you are still hurting. I wish you the best.
Author serendip Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Yeah she was a bit selfish and immature...even before we broke up. I told her that several times during the course of our relationship. She's in her early 30's and a naturopathic doctor. It was infuriating that she took no responsibility for her cheating...she was even projecting the blame on me saying I had trust, jealousy and insecurity issues after she cheated on me and I had already forgiven her for it. It was the 3rd betrayal when she went behind my back to go out with the guy again...that I couldn't take. I told her 'good riddance' and she accused me of having anger issues becasue I said that. That was the only time I ever raised my voice at her in our 16 month relationship(we never even fought once during our relationship). She never fought for us...instead she started dating the guy right away on the weekend we broke up. Yet I don't understand why I still have feelings for her after all this. I think I'm crazy...or glutten for punishment. I know I don't think I would ever get back together with her...the trust is gone between the both of us and it's not possible to rebuild it long distance wise. But I still care about her...and we had a great relationship until she cheated(that broke my heart). I can understand that she couldn't deal with the long distance and being alone in a new place with very little friends...that she wanted someone to be there for her and have dinner with her. She should have been honest with me instead of emotionally cheating on me with another dude. I would have either moved there for her or broken up with her and there would have been no drama. Now I need to get over her...but I'm finding it really tough. I'm still dealing with anger and loss issues.
Jmina Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 well done for posting here instead of emailing her. this is a bump in the road. you wont learn from it if its not hard. believe me ive been through it too and am still going through it. a couple of days and you WILL start to pick up again. sit through your feelings and let them pass. you will feel better. youve done it before you can do it again. focus on you, what your possibilites are... they are endless!! so much adventure and fun and lvoe for you to come. it will happen. just keep doing what you were doing. stay strong. keep posting jmina
SuperHands Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Reading that email, i'm 100% sure you are doing the right thing by moving on. Some of the things she said in the email, even though they may not seem it, are just totally nasty things to say. She tried to justify cheating on you by telling you how attracted to this guy she was. She actually realises that she has done a terrible thing and is ashamed of it, so she tries to defend herself by accusing you and justifying it. Stay strong mate. It's tough indeed, but you'll move on. Best wishes
JamesM Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I agree. She seems to take responsibility for the cheating, but she really quickly follows it with a few daggers at you...you are just as responsible. Yes, it is a given that she cheated, but your responses were to her cheating. If her cheating were in response to your actions, then she might have some grounds. But reality is...she cheated. This shows a lack of maturity and commitment to your relationship. But now the big question...how to move on. One given is that it will take time. If there was any way to make the pain go away with a pill, then I think someone would make millions. Moving on involves focusing on other activities and people in your life. It is not necessarily finding another woman, but it can be helpful if you find additional female friends. One of these may be a good companion. I sympathize with you. It is not an easy time. I can say that time will heal most of the pain. And finding another person will heal more. However much these sound like empty platitudes, they do have meaning. Keep posting. "Talking about" this relationship and receiving feedback will surely help you recover.
Author serendip Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Thanks everyone It just sucks b/c we were really happy together until she moved away for work purposes. I totally didn't expect her to cheat...she wasn't the type. There were no signs that lead me to believe she was capable of this type of behaviour. Even with the long distance...things were good for 6 mths. I made sure she felt loved and I never took her for granted.
frd150 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Thanks everyone It just sucks b/c we were really happy together until she moved away for work purposes. I totally didn't expect her to cheat...she wasn't the type. There were no signs that lead me to believe she was capable of this type of behaviour. Even with the long distance...things were good for 6 mths. I made sure she felt loved and I never took her for granted. Yeah, Never woulda thought she was capable. We are all jaded when we are in what we think is a perfect relationship. Most often the good we see in our so's is for real but sometimes things like this happen. I never thought my ex would just up and leave. There and loving one minute and gone the next. Ive taken blame where I need to but ive also turned it into a big life lesson. Reading that e-mail would of sent me through the roof. She is justifying herself kinda like that Iranian president did the other day. Just think that if the two of you got together again whos to say that she will not have a "crazy intense attraction" for someone else down the road. I can be in a relationship, see someone beautiful and think wow but I would never act on it. Im not blind. You dodged a bullet in my opinion. She would do this to you again and try to justify it by blaming you. IMHO most failed relationships can be worked on (if both parties are willing) but when cheating is involved its all out the window. Its about self respect and respect for the relationship. I know that feeling of loss you have now. Im still feeling it. Take comfort in your anger (if that makes sence) use it to give you the strenght to start moving forward. We have your back!
Sanslatete Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I know how you feel. I got cheated on by my ex-GF in the death thowes of our 6 and a half year relationship. We were cool in the early part of this year then it all went crap about 3 weeks before we broke up. I didn't see it coming, she just went cold and distant on me then started to not answer her phone and go missing for hours. I have times when I hate her for ruining what we had, it was a beautiful thing and so sad to lose. But I still love her deeply most of the time and just wish I could have her back. I know I'm being stupid by feeling like this but what we had was special and I miss everything about it (except the last few weeks).
Author serendip Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 It just sucks that my ex ruined what I thought was a great relationship...maybe the long distance got to her. I still don't understand why she would jepordize our relationship especially when she felt this way about me... I really had the feeling when I was with you that you were the right guy for me long term (I even told you a few times that I wanted to marry you.). You made me so happy and I loved being with you. I had the sense of security and love from you that nobody else has ever given me. I really did love you a lot. I'm so sorry I hurt you the way I did. It was horrible of me. ...and the other guy was someone she couldn't see having a future with(he lives in a van)...but was attracted to ...and me admitting to reading her emails when I became suspicious and screwing with her head(b/c I was hurt) makes her feel like she was justified what she did....b/c now I am crazy dude in her eyes It's so infuriating when she accuses me of trust and insecurity issues when she gave me reason to have those issues by cheating. It's like she doesn't recognize the correlation between them. She's a naturopathic doctor for pete's sake...who does counselling. I feel like I'm living in bizzaro world that she can't recognize what she did.
Sanslatete Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I'm probably seen as a crazy now, just because I loved her so much and tried to save the relationship. I didn't want to break up, didn't even see it coming, but I was prepared to eat humble pie and work on the problems. It has done my head in and is all I can think of these days, while she sits in her ivory tower totally oblivious to my pain.
Author serendip Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I don't think our relationship is fixable....too much damage on both our parts to repair. It's not a relationship anymore. Even though she tells me she feels traumatized and somewhat confused...she's definitely moved on. I don't know what she's confused about since I think she is still seeing the guy that she cheated on me with. What can she possibly be confused about.
Sanslatete Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Same situation for me, she's seeing the dork she cheated on me with and it's me that's left out in the cold with the insecurities and grief. I really wish I could hate her, but I'm not at that point yet unfortunately. It just blows.
dermal Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I love how she repeatedly rubs the "crazy intense attraction" to the other guy in your face, and justifies her cheating ways by projecting blame on you. This is a toxic person in your life. Forget her.
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