getting over my past

[troubledintn]

i was married for almost thirteen years, towards the end of my marriage i cheated on him once. he then decided to come clean and tell me he was bi, and mentioned that we should live a swing lifestyle to try to fix our marriage . almost every part of our marriage had been dead for years.. i did not want to but i thought it might help. i had never lived that way before. in the end of living this wasy i met a wonderful man which was the last man that i hooked up with. and we fell in love we have been together for almost ten months and i am so blissfully happy and in love with him. we both are divorced now and but we have one problem. he started asking me about my past . that is how he met me which was a booty call .. when i tried to tell him it only hurt him worse. i was truly trying to protect him by not telling him. and every time i did tell him something i felt like it only hurt him more. i dont want that lfiestyle ever again. i want to be happy with him.. my hubby pushed me out there all the time so i was used to the man in my life doing that. so the first time we (my boyfriend and i went out) to a club with some of his friends... he had told me several times about a friend of his that had an open marriage and he was gonna be there. i knew how my boyfriend felt about that lifestyle but i also felt that maybe that might be what he was wanting... since all this happened i have gone to counseling and have realized that this is fact not the lifestyle for me and that i dont not ever want to live that way again. my boyfriend is very supportive of that and i know that he doesnt want that for us at all.. so my question is how can i help him to try and put this behind us and realize that everything else we have together is perfect and .... we never argue or figh about anything else but my past... we are perfect together in every other way....my boyfriedn has been intimate with his exwife since we have been together and lied also about a few things and i am willing to get past those things , but how do i help him get past my past.... troubledintn

[Aintayankee]

You don't really need or want that lifestyle, it might hurt y'all slowly more.......Just tell him you don't wanna repeat something your not too proud of.

[sugarkisses]

Darling,

I was married for 7 years and lead a swingers life with my ex-hubby for 5 of them. How long did you live that? Do you really regret it and be honest about it? The question I must ask you, if you didnt want to live like that why did you put a bad taste in you B/F's mouth by asking for a threesome with his freinds? Is that what happened, your post wasnt very well defined? Also troubled why did you stay with a man that was buisexual? Are You? Why did it take counseling for you realize that was not the kinda life you wanted to live? There is a lot of unanswered questions here troubled and your post isnt very well defined, but thats ok, in order for him to get over your past, if you are willing to tell him, since it sounds like he wants to know, then you have to make everything visible and be honest with him. Covering up something like that is very detrimental to a realtionship since your B/F doesnt like that kind of lifestyle you had before. If you cant be honest or to embarrassed to talk to him about it, then if i was him i would try to understand, if he couldnt then baby, I would let him go. Somethings are not a big deal to some people and to others it is. I dont know the severity of your ex-lifestyle, but to make a grown man wonder and have issues, i would say it has to be pretty wild, is it? My life with my ex is in my past, but i did have some of the hottest sex imaginable, 3 somes, watching and being watched, all that to me was hot and the sexual feeling you get out of that i do miss, but i wouldnt do it again with my soon to be new hubby. i tell him that, and i told him all about my past, every little detail, cause when i started falling in love with him, i didnt't want him to know or find out from somebody else what i have done. Im not telling you troubled to do the same, but you will have to make that decision on your own hun, I just hope you choose the right one........Sugar Kisses........

 

[troubledintn]

Darling,

I was married for 7 years and lead a swingers life with my ex-hubby for 5 of them. How long did you live that? Do you really regret it and be honest about it? The question I must ask you, if you didnt want to live like that why did you put a bad taste in you B/F's mouth by asking for a threesome with his freinds? Is that what happened, your post wasnt very well defined? Also troubled why did you stay with a man that was buisexual? Are You? Why did it take counseling for you realize that was not the kinda life you wanted to live? There is a lot of unanswered questions here troubled and your post isnt very well defined, but thats ok, in order for him to get over your past, if you are willing to tell him, since it sounds like he wants to know, then you have to make everything visible and be honest with him. Covering up something like that is very detrimental to a realtionship since your B/F doesnt like that kind of lifestyle you had before. If you cant be honest or to embarrassed to talk to him about it, then if i was him i would try to understand, if he couldnt then baby, I would let him go. Somethings are not a big deal to some people and to others it is. I dont know the severity of your ex-lifestyle, but to make a grown man wonder and have issues, i would say it has to be pretty wild, is it? My life with my ex is in my past, but i did have some of the hottest sex imaginable, 3 somes, watching and being watched, all that to me was hot and the sexual feeling you get out of that i do miss, but i wouldnt do it again with my soon to be new hubby. i tell him that, and i told him all about my past, every little detail, cause when i started falling in love with him, i didnt't want him to know or find out from somebody else what i have done. Im not telling you troubled to do the same, but you will have to make that decision on your own hun, I just hope you choose the right one........Sugar Kisses........[/sugar kisses]hey thanks for the help.. to be honest i did not enjoy that lifestyle, yes it was sex of course. but as far as doing what i done it really wasnt my thing . im a sure that alot of people might just love it but i guess i did it foer the wrong reasons , and honestly that was to try and help my marriage at the time. i have been talking with my boyfriend , he i think understands it is hard for me. when we talk about it i can do alright but when he gets pissed and says things about me for the way i lived before it kinda shuts me down. i want to alwasy be able to talk to him about anything . becasue god knows he is the best thing i have ever had come into my life. he is so special to me and i am blissfully in love with him. i jsut want him to be able to put this past us so we can have a happy healthy relationship between us ... everything is wonderful. we r so perfect together as long as we are not argueing about my past. i jsut wish he would realize that he is the one for me and that i do not ever want that lifestyle again. troublendintn

[rocketpixie]

Are you sure it's really your past that's the problem? Maybe you don't fight about anything else because he can always bring that up and make you feel guilty.

 

my boyfriedn has been intimate with his exwife since we have been together and lied also about a few things and i am willing to get past those things

 

I thought this was very interesting. If you bring these things up in conversation, does he counter with your past? Do you ever get to raise your griefs about the relationship? I think counseling may be a really good idea for the both of you. You've got to forgive yourself, move on and stop letting him bring up something that has nothing to do with your current relationship.

 

"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on." --Homer Simpson

[sugarkisses]

Rocketpixie I Agree With 99%, Butr There Is One Misconception, You Made It Sound Like The B/f Was At Fault Entirely. Thats Not True, She Makes It Evident That She Knows He Loves Her, So Why Make Him Out To Be The Bad Guy Pixie? If You Read The Article He Takes Her Out And She Reverts Back Somewhat To Her Old Ways Wiht Her Ex-hubby, Even Though She Knows That Her B/f Is Not Like That. So Why Would He Keep On Going Back To The Past, Jsut To Hurt Her, It Sounds Like To Me, He Just Needs Answers And If She Cant Provide Him Wiht Honesty And The Truth, Then Maybe He Should Walk-away. Dont You Agree. You Told Troubled To Make Him Stop Bringing Up Anything About Your Past, Casue It Has Nothing To Do With The Current Realtionship, Well I Cant Agree Wiht You There, Casue To Me It Does When You Want Something Like That, Since They Have Been Together, And This Is Just Based On What Troubled Said In Her Forum.....thanks

[troubledintn]

now my boyfriend and i have been together it was 11 months on 10/20/07... i am so in love with him. he came over this past weekend and we agreed that from here on out no matter what he asked me i would tell the truth... we had a wonderful weekend like we always do when we are together and then on sunday he and i started argueing over my past again... the only thing we argue about is my past and his ex wife. since we have been together he had sex with her .. in his past he had also done some differnet things sexually. never hooking up with his wife knowing though... i want us to live in the here and now and not in my past... that is how i met him. he was a guy i met off the internet and we were supposed to only be sex buddies . that was it .. but then we fell in love he divorced his wife, i divorced my husband .. and we fought like hell to be together... thru the whole time knowing we were made for each toher. we have so much in common and get along great.. everything is perfect between us except my past that i lived with my ex hubby .... when my b/f gets upset he shuts me out and wont talk to me .. i tell him that he and i are gonna have to get thru it together and not apart.... help i am so depressed over this . i love this man with all my heart and i have never loved anyone in my life like this before. he is everything to me and i know in my heart that i could be with him for the rest of my life... i cannot get him to understand that because i lived that way before that i dont ever want it again.... i am 500 percent satisfied with him in every way and i have been true to him since the beginning and always will be true to him and our realtionship.........

[sugarkisses]

Please Dont Think The Title Is What Im Saying Troubled. It Sounds Like You Are Definelty Troubled. Let Me Ask You A Question Troubled "what Do You Mean It Was Only Sex"? That Can Throw A Man In Nature Completey Off Track,,,if I Was A Guy Hun, That Would Kinda Throw Me Off Too. It Sounds Like You Are Trying To Tell Him You Loved Living Like That, But It Was Just Sex Is A Way Of You Telling Him Harmonically (easier) For You. Let Me Tell Ya What I Mean Ok. I Can Only Say It Was Sex Too Troubled, I Lived That Way Also,,,but By Me Saying It Was Just Sex, Well Hun I Had Some Of Greatest Sex To Me I Ever Had In A Differnet Way Though, Than I Have With My Future Hunny. But Sex Can Be Just Sex And Still Be Good Troubled. Do You Get My Drift? Maybe That Could Be What He Wants To Hear, I Dont Know. It Scares Me Troubled, It Seems To Me By You Sleeping With Guys Is Normal, But Why Does He Have Such A Hard Time With It? Are There More To It Than What You Are Saying On Oyur Post Hun? How Outlandish Or Far Did You Go? In Order For Anybody To Include Me To Help You, You Have To Put It Out There For Everybody To See Unfortunaltely, But You Will Get Better Feedback That Way. If You Want This To Be Buried, Then You Gotta Dig And Dig, To Make Him Understand, Not Really Hold Back, And If He Really Loves You He Will Appreciate What You Are Doing. He Is A Man Hun, And It Sounds Like He Does Love You And You Know It, So Just Tell Him The Cold Hard Facts And If He Cant Deal Or Undersand At Least You Can Say You Laid Out The Magic Carpet, And That He Decided Not To Go On It For The Ride....s/k's...

[troubledintn]

Hey sugarkisses listen...I cannot seem to get him to listen. He started on me a little while ago to tell him about my past. Everytime I opened up and told him something. It only got worse...you know he asked me today why do you care now when u didn't care months ago...I told him the truth I didn't know how to deal with it all. And I didn't know how to fix it...sometimes I feel like he thinks I am such a horrible person cuz of the way I lived before that he can't see me anymore...he tells me I lived like a whore, that I would spread my legs for anybody... I love him so much but I cannot stand it when he talks to me like that. And I feel if he really loved me then he wouldn't do that you know. I feel like that we should be able to work thru this .but we have to do it together and not fight about it...he only hears what he thinks everything did happen . He is not really hearing me when I'm talking I feel like......help god do I love this man....

[troubledintn]

Sugarkisses,

Here is the deal.... I did do some things before I met my b/f that I am definitelt not proud of ....but now he has been in my life since november the 20th and I am so in love with him.....we both have done things we are not proud of, I should have ben open and honest with him about my past all at once..but I didn't know how to deal with it, how to explain it, I didn't want to hurt him by no means..I never ever thru all of this wanted to hurt him... all I ever wanted to do was love him and I do love him with everything in me......he has caused me to doubt him when it comes to his exwife...I am very insecure know because of that..I told him the only way that I would be secure when it comes to her is he helps me get thru that...and makes me feel secure .....and I know the only way he will trust me is for me to make him feel secure when it comes to me..... he said because I lived the way I did before that no one man will ever satisfy me.. But he is so wrong...I have been satisfied with him in everyway since the beginning. He has made me feel things I have never felt in my life... when I know I'm gonna see him or talk to him I am so excited. When I'm with him I feel like a school girl in love....he is everything to me.... there is a song by mark willis called I do cherish you... and that is how I feel for this man word for word I listen to it all the time.....if we r to ever get thru this I told him we will have to do it together and him not shut me out....I told him we have to settle the past, engage in the present and believe in the future together not apart..... I need all the advice I can get please.. It has been 9 days since I have seen him.. And I can't eat, sleep. Or even think straight....I miss him and love him so much .. This is killing me.... and now he is telling me is going to get stationed to georgia... and I would pack up and follow him around the world and I have never lived anywhere but tn... so that tells me I love him cuz I have never offered that to any other man in my life.... all I want is to be with him and for us to be happy again....we are perfect together and have so much in common. We laugh, talk, cuddle, we never fight about anything else...our love is once in a lifetime but I need advice please to help me try and get him to understand.......troubledintn

[sweetem]

i was married for almost thirteen years, towards the end of my marriage i cheated on him once. he then decided to come clean and tell me he was bi, and mentioned that we should live a swing lifestyle to try to fix our marriage . almost every part of our marriage had been dead for years.. i did not want to but i thought it might help. i had never lived that way before. in the end of living this wasy i met a wonderful man which was the last man that i hooked up with. and we fell in love we have been together for almost ten months and i am so blissfully happy and in love with him. we both are divorced now and but we have one problem. he started asking me about my past . that is how he met me which was a booty call .. when i tried to tell him it only hurt him worse. i was truly trying to protect him by not telling him. and every time i did tell him something i felt like it only hurt him more. i dont want that lfiestyle ever again. i want to be happy with him.. my hubby pushed me out there all the time so i was used to the man in my life doing that. so the first time we (my boyfriend and i went out) to a club with some of his friends... he had told me several times about a friend of his that had an open marriage and he was gonna be there. i knew how my boyfriend felt about that lifestyle but i also felt that maybe that might be what he was wanting... since all this happened i have gone to counseling and have realized that this is fact not the lifestyle for me and that i dont not ever want to live that way again. my boyfriend is very supportive of that and i know that he doesnt want that for us at all.. so my question is how can i help him to try and put this behind us and realize that everything else we have together is perfect and .... we never argue or figh about anything else but my past... we are perfect together in every other way....my boyfriedn has been intimate with his exwife since we have been together and lied also about a few things and i am willing to get past those things , but how do i help him get past my past.... troubledintn

 

Didnt you meet him in the "swingers club"? He should be far more understanding than anyone else, because he lived that lifestyle too! The past is the past. You arent doing it now, and you dont have the husband who pressured you to do it either. You simply need to tell him that you had a different life back then, and you dont agree with it now [and really, never did!] If he cant accept it... then I hate to say it, but he needs to go.

 

Its not love if he cant believe in you, girl.

[sugarkisses]

Didnt you meet him in the "swingers club"? He should be far more understanding than anyone else, because he lived that lifestyle too! The past is the past. You arent doing it now, and you dont have the husband who pressured you to do it either. You simply need to tell him that you had a different life back then, and you dont agree with it now [and really, never did!] If he cant accept it... then I hate to say it, but he needs to go.

 

Its not love if he cant believe in you, girl.

 

SWEETEM WHY DO YOU SAY ITS NOT LOVE. I DONT THINK YOU ARE SEEING BOTH SIDES ONLY HER SIDE. WHY DO YOU THINK ITS NOT LOVE. THE PAST IS THE PAST, BUT APPARENTLY YOU DIDNT READ ALL OF HER POST OR YOU JUST GLANCED OVER IT. I THINK THERE IS A MUTUAL AGREEMENT THAT CAN BE MADE HERE, BUT IF NOT THEN, WELL THEN CALL IT "QUITS". WE ALL CANNOT ACCEPT THINGS FROM SOMEBODYS PAST, AS GOOD AS OTHERS. I DONE THINGS IN MY PAST THAT IM NOT PROUD OF AS I POSTED, BUT IM NOT GONNA SAY IT WAS 100 PERCENT ME THAT WANTED THAT LIFE, IT WAS BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND. IT TOOK MY BOYFREIND/ NOW FIANCEE ALONG TIME TO GET PAST EVERYTHING THAT I DONE, MOST ALL OF IT WAS GOOD IN SOME WAY, BUT TO SOMEBODY THAT HASNT OR DONT LIVE LIKE THAT, WELL THEN THATS HARD FOR THEM TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND AND COPE WITH. I HAVE BEEN THERE AND I KNOW IT. I LOVE MY FIANCE AND I LOVED MY EX HUSBAND AS WELL, AND IM FINE WITH THE FACT THAT WE WONT EVER LIVE LIKE THAT, WILL I MISS IT? YES AND NO, AND IM BEING HONEST AS I CAN BE BY SAYING THAT. THE QUESTION IS "WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO PUT DOUBT THERE, AND HOW DID SHE REALLY LIVE WITH HER EX HUSBAND? MAYBE FROM OUR VIEWPOINT ITS JUST SOME THINGS THAT COULD BE TOO OUTLANDISH FOR HIM, I DONT KNOW. BUT I WISH THEM THE BEST. WE ARE MOVING THE END OF THIS WEEK SO I WONT BE POSTING HERE FOR AWHILE, AND TROUBLED I WISH YOU AND HIM THE BEST.

[troubledintn]

we'll folks the last few weeks have been really challenging... he and i are together for a couple of days and have great talks and share great times . then he shuts me out. i told him the only way for us to get thru this is to do it together. the more we are together the easier it gets for us to deal with the issues at hand. i feel like he is afraid that i am gonna wanna live that lifestyle again. there are reasons why i lvied that lifestyle and done some of the things i done that he knows now. i am not proud of my past, my ex and i started living that way thinking it would help our marriage but it didnt. in 5 days it will be one year ago i met the man i am in love with now..i fell in love with him and never looked back. the love i feel for him is a once in a lifetime love. our love is exciting, awesome, nurturing, and my love for him is so strong it is overwhelming.... it is wonderful to know that you can be so in love with someone as much as i am him... he came over again this past weekend and he and my kids spent the day together it was wonderful..... i enjoy his company even if we dont go anywhere, or do anything. we get along so great... like a ball and glove... i am 1000 percent satisfied with this man in every way and i have been true to him since the beginning and i always will.... i fell in love with his friendship, laughter, companionship, nurturing, loving , handsome, kind, caring, and fine self almost a year ago. and i am proud to be in his life and im proud for him being in mine. please everyone keep us in your rpayers that we will get thru this as i wanna be in his life for the holidays (cuz last year he and i made so many plans together) and for the rest of our lives together. he is my soul mate and best friend.... troubledintn

[troubledintn]

:love:WE'LL I dont know how i still have the strength .. god is truly testing me .. i have gone thru alot of changes in my life in this last year.. alot for the good and alot have been bad. some i wanted and some i didnt...i have gone thru some financial problems and have recently losing my house and i lost my car. i had to purchase a new car. move my stuff in over the weekend to live with my mother. 36 years old and starting over and yet the only thing besides my children that concern me is trying to get the man i am so in love with understand what took me there in living the way i did with my ex hubby... god know that i am not perfect but . i have definitely learned alot in the last year about my self, about my boyfriend d.w., about my ex, about everything when it comes to me and my life... i am a very strong person . yet lately i dont feel so strong i think it is just because i am going thru all of this at once in my life. and everything i have been going thru the only thing i truly care about fixing is my relationship with d.w..... he is wonderful but yet so darn stubborn when it comes to listening to me ... i fell like he has got me like a water on and off on and off.... one minute we are fione then he says he starts thinking about the way i lived before him and he gets so pissed.. thats when he shuts me out for days (WONT TALK TO ME . OR SEE ME . HE WILL ONLY TEXT ME OR EMAIL ME ... THATS IT )... I TELL HIM THE ONLY WAY FOR US TO EVER GET THRU THIS IS GONNA BE TOGETHER AND HIM NOT SHUT ME OUT..... im in atlanta these next two weeks and he is off from works some of that i asked him to come be with me here i thought the time away together would be good for us but he wont come..... i have begged him to understand that i am not the person i was before nor do i ever wanna live that way again. THAT I AM 500 PERCENT IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN AND I ALWAYS WILL BE .... HE IS MY EVERYTHING .......HELP ME IF U CAN TO BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO MY BOYFRIEND.....

 

P.S. IF U HAVE EVER BEEN VERBALLY OR PHYSICALLY ABUSED AND ENDED UP LEADING THE SWINGER LIFESTYLE PLEASE REPLY ....MAYBE U CAN HELP ME TO GET HIM TO UNDERSTAND ME BETTER... CAUSE GOD KNOWS I DONT WANNA LOSE HIM I JUST WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND AND FOR US TO BE HAPPY AGAIN . LIKE WE ALWAYS ARE TOGETHER ... THANKS TROUBLEDINTN