I want her back but want to be respectful.

[MattyTee]

Hey folks,

 

I've been reading through a lot of the articles today and after having posted last week (I only got one reply *sob* - thanks JMargel though) I wanted to post again and ask people's opinions on something I have written.

 

My first post is here for some background http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130280/

 

This letter is quite personal but I'm totally unable to decide if I should send it, so I'm opening up to a whole bunch of potential criticism and posting it here. A pre-warning is that it's a long letter. I'll say that here so that people can stop reading now if they want

 

The situation is that I want to respect her. I want to be loving to her and I don't want her to feel abandoned. One of the problems in our relationship was that she felt I took her for granted (I think we both did a little bit) and by leaving contact for now I'm worried that will push her even further away. So, particularly female readers. Is this respectful and loving and will it make her feel abandoned or pushed away?

 

In advance, thank you for taking the time to read.

 

[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif] Hey

 

This is one of the hardest letters I’ve ever had to write. I know that you are really busy with school right now and I understand that you might not be able to read this until you feel more stable in your life. I’ll trust that you will make that decision when you feel ready and there is no pressure to reply.

 

Over the past few weeks I’ve been trying so desperately to do the right thing. I wanted to give you what you had asked for, to let you go. I wanted to be there for you if I could, as a friend to listen if you needed me. At the same time I had all my emotions to deal with: the sense of loss, the sadness and the hurt. At the same time my feelings changed a great deal. To start with I felt a real need to be with you, a desperate yearning. That gradually changed to a deeper feeling of love and realising that what I really wanted was for you to be happy, even if that wasn’t with me. Of course, that’s not to say I don’t want to be with you, I really do, but I realised that I wanted something even more than that – and that was for you to be happy!

 

Over the weeks Keturah has said if I ever need advice or anything I could contact her and if she could, she would help me out. She has been very loving, caring and sensitive and I really appreciate her being there as someone that wants the best for you. She had said that she thought it would be okay that I sent you an email every now and then to say hi and see how you are. To be your friend and let you know I still care. I did that and sent you an email asking you how you’d feel about it. I wanted to respect how you might feel about it and then, as you said it was okay, I sent another last week. I realise now, after getting your reply from my last email that it doesn’t feel how I thought it would. I thought I would be able to put aside however I felt about us and keep in contact as a friend. The thing is every time I get a reply my heart skips and I wonder if it means anything, I wonder if it means you are thinking of me and whether you think that maybe things could work out again.

 

This sort of feeling isn’t healthy for me and it isn’t respectful of you or what you asked for. I know you are trying to get over me and I know you want me to try and get over you too. I think that while I’m emailing you like this I’m going to be constantly hoping. The last thing I want to do is make you feel that pressure.

 

I think the best thing for me is to stop contact for the moment until I can move to a place where I can accept that what we had is over. I do, very much want to be your friend but I think perhaps I need time to heal and get to a place where I am not hoping that every bit of contact means that you are thinking about me and want me back.

 

I need to be honest with you about how I feel. I am going to write a bit here but I have also included another letter I wrote a few weeks ago. I feel it says very much what I wanted to say then and it’s still relevant now. I love you with all my heart and I always will. I’ll always be here for you. Even now when I am going to stop contact, you know I am here if you need me, any time of the day or night. I’d like you to know that I still want to be with you and that that isn’t going to change. I’m not saying that to pressure you or to say that I’m going to be sitting here waiting for you to come back to me. I’m moving on with life, I’m getting fitter, stronger, more confident, and learning to be happy, but along with all of that I still want to be with you. I hope that makes sense. The break-up was like a real wake up call in both a personal sense and with regards to our relationship. I got a really good look at who I am and how I was living my life. I know it’s a cliché to say it but a lot of things changed for me – not in a day or two but instantly. I could see that I’d been living my life not through a loving and open heart but instead through a fearful and scared mind. I could see I was arrogant and disrespectful of other’s beliefs and points of view. I wasn’t living as the “me” I knew but as someone else. I had surrounded myself with material things in an attempt to feel safe and secure. I didn’t love myself and I therefore I couldn’t truly love those around me; my love was conditional in a way. I’m not saying this to put myself down but just to share what I have learnt. I’m learning more every day – I feel like a small child that is seeing the world for the first time. I’ve been praying every day for 4 weeks now and for the first time ever, I know that it’s not just me hearing it. I’m not sure how you feel reading all this. I guess I’m sharing with you because of the connection I feel with you. I don’t want to sit here and tell you about how everything will be different and how I am changing. Those are only words and the only way you’ll know is if you feel things are different.

 

I don’t really know how you are feeling right now. I don’t know what you want from life and how you feel about us. Keturah’s advice was to give you space and let you discover that yourself and to maybe ask in a few months whether you’d talk to me about our relationship. I hope one day that we’ll be able to talk about it and share with each other how we feel. I know that your focus right now is school and I respect that, so please don’t feel like I’m pushing you into anything. I know when or if you feel you can talk about it then you’ll let me know.

 

I hope you don’t mind if I share how I feel. I know now more than ever that I want to be with you, that I love you and always will. I don’t mean that in a needy way, I know that without you I can be the strong, funny, clever and happy Matt that I am. I mean that I want to share my happiness, strength and love with you. Even though I have been up and down emotionally I feel the embers of strength I’ve never known before. I know that I can make you very happy. I also know that I may never be with you again. I feel blessed that we had the time we had and the best and happiest memories of my life have been with you. I feel honoured for the love you gave me and the support, loyalty and dedication you showed – even when things were not easy for you. I know I may not have shown you this as I should have, but I truly cherish, appreciate and love you, and always will.

 

So, what does all this mean? It means for the time being I feel that it is unfair on both me and you for me to keep contacting you at this time on a regular basis. I need some time to heal and move on and I know you asked for that too. When the time is right I do want to be in contact and be your friend. I don’t know how long it will be, but also please know if you want to contact me then you can. I also want you to know, even if I’m the last person you’d want to hear this from, I am here for you no matter what. If you ever need a voice to talk to or an ear to listen, I am there. Even if you don’t want to call or talk I know that having someone there can be a nice feeling. So I’m here. I love you and I want to be with you. I’m not moving on from you, I’m moving on from and growing up from where I was at before. It won’t change that I want to be with you and share my life with you. I don’t know if that’s scary to hear. If it is, I’m sorry. When and if you are ready to talk with me about how you feel and about our relationship I would very much like to. I know that might be weeks, months, years or perhaps never. I don’t want to guess how you might be feeling and you might not even know right now anyway, but I’d like you to know I don’t want to go back to anything. If there is a chance there then I would like to forge a new beginning with you, taking it slowly and learning each other all over again.

 

I love you.

 

Your

Matthew

 

[/FONT]

[jmargel]

Honestly if she hasn't attempted to make contact with you in over a month then I would say that sending that letter is not going to change anything. My gut instinct here is that perhaps she has started to confide in someone else, though I don't know her so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

 

Your letter kind of sounds like begging, or reasoning with her on why to get back with you and threating to stop all contact. In all reality that is what she wants is to stop contact. So therefore your letter won't do much good, plus it's very long. With her being this upset she probably won't read the whole thing anyways. Plus you mentioning about how much you were talking to her sister will just piss her off. She's going to think you two are talking about her behind her back.

 

If she is just starting school she is probably 18, 19 years old. With her young age, immaturity and the excitement of what goes on in college I doubt there is really anything you can do for the time being in getting her back. She needs to sow her wild oats and mature.

 

If I was in the dating field again and wanted someone who I felt would be there for the long term, she would have to have be at least 25 years of age, already had a long term relationship and lived on her own for sometime. Otherwise she is going to either want her independence or has not matured enough yet for a long term relationship.

 

I would just tell her sister to pass along that you miss her and that when she is ready to talk you will be there. You also need to start concentrating on yourself and start getting your life moving again.

[MattyTee]

Hey again and thanks for responding

 

I can see what you are saying. A few extra points though. She's focusing very hard on school right now and I'm told that she's not interested in anything else. She's been a very loyal and loving person through our relationship and I don't think she's moving on to someone else right now. I think she needs some time to find herself and feel independent.

 

Her sister had asked her if it would be okay to talk to me and she had said yes. So I think that will be okay.

 

I really hoped the letter didn't come across as begging. I wanted to just say I appreciated her and that the best thing right now was for me to stop contacting her. The letter is my way of letting her know that I love her and do want to be with her and then leaving the ball in her court. Does that make sense?

 

With the contact - she has been replying to my contact but not initiating anything herself. I think this is understandable because she's not wanting to send false messages to me that she's ready to a) talk about the relationship yet b) wanting to be back together.

 

I do appreciate your honesty though, even if it's not always what I want to hear

 

Thanks again

[MattyTee]

... oh and besides, I thought people liked long letters!

[jmargel]

Long letters are nice when it's not in this type of situation. She knows you love her and I right now actions speak louder than words. If you read other poster's situations on here you will see what helps and what doesn't.

 

Give her a chance to miss you, let her concentrate on her schooling. It's not giving up when you do this, but giving her what she is asking. Like I said next time you talk to her sister, or she happens to email you I would just say 'Whenever you are ready to talk, I will be here to listen'. If she hasn't initiated contact then a letter won't do any good.

 

We don't know what is going through her head, only she knows.

[MattyTee]

Hey,

 

Yep, I see what you are saying. The letter says a lot of things that I want to say and I'm not sure I totally agree with you that people don't appreciate letters in this sort of situation. She can take this and read it, then keep it and re-read if she needs to later. As you can see from the letter I am dropping contact for now (for me and her) so that I can heal and move on with other things in life. So that I can be stronger for myself.

That gives her time to miss me (if she will) and time to sort her heart and mind out.

I've shown this to a few women and they all think that it's a perfect way to respect her and leave the ball in her court. They are just words, you are right, but also followed by an action - of letting go. Letting go of what we had before and leaving it in the hands of (God / fate / her) that whatever future occurs is the right thing...

Anyway, I'm not ignoring your answer, I appreciate you giving me a view that I hadn't had. Thank you again.

 

Anyone else have any different views? I know the letter is long

[reboot]

Remember you asked....

 

You've said some very nice things there, but you come across as SO needy. That's not going to help. You need to remove EVERYTHING that even hints that you want to get back together with her. First of all, that isn't what she wants to hear right now, and secondly, the thought of you getting yourself together and moving on without her *might* just spark her interest.

 

I mean, it's pretty obvious from the tone of the letter you're a miserable wretch and would cut off your left hand to get her back. But you don't have to just come out and say it. Women respect strength much more than weakness; it's an instinct held over from our caveman days. A guy that's sitting around mooning over them probably isn't going to bring home dinner, so to speak.

 

And I must point out, that if you send her this, or a variation of it, you are indeed saying, "I'm not going to contact you again for the foreseeable future". You have to stick to that or don't bother to send it at all. It will just make things much, much worse.

 

Just as an example, here's a variation with all (most?) of the needy sounding stuff removed (and all references to the sister removed also), still all your own words:

 

This is one of the hardest letters I’ve ever had to write. I know that you are really busy with school right now and I understand that you might not be able to read this until you feel more stable in your life. I’ll trust that you will make that decision when you feel ready and there is no pressure to reply.

 

Over the past few weeks I’ve been trying so desperately to do the right thing. I wanted to give you what you had asked for, to let you go. I wanted to be there for you if I could, as a friend to listen if you needed me. At the same time I had all my emotions to deal with: the sense of loss, the sadness and the hurt. At the same time my feelings changed a great deal. To start with I felt a real need to be with you, a desperate yearning. That gradually changed to a deeper feeling of love and realising that what I really wanted was for you to be happy, even if that wasn’t with me.

 

I realise now, after getting your reply from my last email that it doesn’t feel how I thought it would. I thought I would be able to put aside however I felt about us and keep in contact as a friend. The thing is every time I get a reply my heart skips and I wonder if it means anything, I wonder if it means you are thinking of me and whether you think that maybe things could work out again.

 

This sort of feeling isn’t healthy for me and it isn’t respectful of you or what you asked for. I know you are trying to get over me and I know you want me to try and get over you too. I think that while I’m emailing you like this I’m going to be constantly hoping. The last thing I want to do is make you feel that pressure.

 

I think the best thing for me is to stop contact for the moment until I can move to a place where I can accept that what we had is over. I do, very much want to be your friend but I think perhaps I need time to heal and get to a place where I am not hoping that every bit of contact means that you are thinking about me and want me back.

 

I don’t really know how you are feeling right now. I don’t know what you want from life and how you feel about us. I know that your focus right now is school and I respect that, so please don’t feel like I’m pushing you into anything. I know when or if you feel you can talk about it then you’ll let me know.

 

I feel blessed that we had the time we had and the best and happiest memories of my life have been with you. I feel honoured for the love you gave me and the support, loyalty and dedication you showed – even when things were not easy for you. I know I may not have shown you this as I should have, but I truly cherish, appreciate and love you, and always will.

 

So, what does all this mean? It means for the time being I feel that it is unfair on both me and you for me to keep contacting you at this time on a regular basis. I need some time to heal and move on and I know you asked for that too. When the time is right I do want to be in contact and be your friend. I don’t know how long it will be.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey Matty,

 

You definitely should not send that letter. I don't know if you are both in limited contact, but I think that she knows how you feel by now, right? If you have told her before, she'll remember. The best you can do right now is nothing. Just work on bettering yourself. It's the toughest period right now because you don't know what's going on in her head, and that'll mess with your head big time. That happened to me, and for a few weeks, that was my world and only I cared about it, no one else can see it. So don't waste your energy trying to understand the situation right now. You have no answers and she's not giving any right now. She will give you the truth when SHE's ready. Don't try to understand the situation and think yourself to death, because your mind will come up with hundreds of possible rationalizations, but none of them will be the right one. So don't waste your time and energy on it. Redirect that energy onto something that will better yourself.

 

Just let her know how you feel and let her know that you'll be there in any capacity she needs you to be, whether it's space or to talk or a shoulder to cry on. But leave it at that, she'll take it if and when she wants it. That's all you can do. The important thing here is to respect her decisions and what she wants. By trying to reason with her and explain to her. You're in essence telling her that what you want is more important than what she wants, and that's going to lead to a clash that you don't want. Remember, always agree with her, don't try to defend yourself, let her lead the conversations if you have any and the most important, don't keep trying to "work on the relationship" and try to "fix" things. That will only push her away further.

[jmargel]

Hey,

 

Yep, I see what you are saying. The letter says a lot of things that I want to say and I'm not sure I totally agree with you that people don't appreciate letters in this sort of situation. She can take this and read it, then keep it and re-read if she needs to later. As you can see from the letter I am dropping contact for now (for me and her) so that I can heal and move on with other things in life. So that I can be stronger for myself.

That gives her time to miss me (if she will) and time to sort her heart and mind out.

I've shown this to a few women and they all think that it's a perfect way to respect her and leave the ball in her court. They are just words, you are right, but also followed by an action - of letting go. Letting go of what we had before and leaving it in the hands of (God / fate / her) that whatever future occurs is the right thing...

Anyway, I'm not ignoring your answer, I appreciate you giving me a view that I hadn't had. Thank you again.

 

Anyone else have any different views? I know the letter is long

 

Write the letter out by hand, then burn it. Like the last two posts, women love confidence. They want to know they are being understood. You are not showing this in the letter, she won't read and understand the words you are trying to get across, she will just think that you are still trying to be needy and trying to get your point across.

 

Treat her like you would a scared cat. If you pursue her, she will run. Let her come to you. Give her what she is asking for, which is time. There is no guarantee she will come back, but by giving her this letter you are guaranting that she won't. By you telling her that you will stop contact with her, you are telling her that it's an either or situation and that if she wants to talk you will be holding a grudge.

 

You need to start focusing your life on other things. When my ex-fiancee left I was miserable. My focus was on getting her back, which never worked. It just made me more depressed. We know you want answers and want to know what's going to happen but we can't give you that and neither can she right now.

[reboot]

Just in case I was misunderstood, I actually agree that sending the letter at all is a bad idea. My point was simply, if you're hell bent on sending it, and you seem to be, at least tone it down some.

[myhotrod123456789]

Definitely do not send it. Everyone here seems to have similar experiences sending/not sending letters and there seems to be a concensus. Writing the letter was a good exercise in getting what your feeling and thinking on paper, but it won't change her opinion of you. And if it does, it will more than likely push her away.

 

Nobody is going to claim to know what exactly is going on in your situation, but 'focusing on school' is ridiculous. When you break up with someone, it is hard to say "I want to hook up with other people" or "I don't like you anymore". I agree with everyone else when they say to let it go for now and focus on yourself. Who knows what the future will bring.