Involved with a MM

[LikeNoOther]

Hello everyone!

 

I am in my late twenties, never been married. I have just started a relationship with a MM. It all started as an EA then proceeded to PA after 6 months.

 

We have developed stronger feelings for one another every day of the week. Things are great at times and sometimes there will be moments where I have a lot of questions in my head but too afraid to ask him because I might get answers that I do not want to hear but I straightened up my shoulders and asked him anyway. Most of the time I do get the answers I want, at times his answer would be "I can't answer that right now" - which I am totally fine with. He has questions for me as well which I can't even answer right that second.

 

We have been together for almost one year now. Things are not the same in his M over the years. They have been married for almost 7 years now and M hasn't been great for the past 4 years so I really don't think it has anything to do with me as we only met last year. They have 2 children together. His W (this is her 3rd marriage) is older to him by 9 years and he is older to me by almost 9 years. Over the years that things have changed, he has mentioned the D word. She wasn't thrilled of course and whenever that subject comes up, she'd cry.

 

He has told me several times that he loves me more than anyone except his kids. Of course he still loves his W but the level of love he has for her isn't the same as the love he has for me. Call me naive or whatever you want but I believe every word he said. I still do.

 

Is he going to leave her? Only time will tell. Why am I here? Just to get some opinions and maybe just to let out my feelings. There is so much more to this. There will be more posts from me, I am sure.

 

Thank you to all of you who took the time to read my post.

[OWoman]

We have been together for almost one year now. Things are not the same in his M over the years. They have been married for almost 7 years now and M hasn't been great for the past 4 years so I really don't think it has anything to do with me as we only met last year. They have 2 children together. His W (this is her 3rd marriage) is older to him by 9 years and he is older to me by almost 9 years. Over the years that things have changed, he has mentioned the D word. She wasn't thrilled of course and whenever that subject comes up, she'd cry.

 

It's his 3rd marriage? Chances are good, then, that he'll leave.

 

But chances are not good that, if he landed up with you, he'd stay long either.

 

It sounds to me like he has unrealistic expectations of marriage, if he's had three unsuccessful attempts. Or else he's just really bad at picking "the right woman", a skill he's unlikely to have mastered in the interim.

 

Maybe you are The One who turns his whole life around and it lasts forever, but his track record on sticking it out doesn't look good.

 

Enjoy it while it lasts, LNO, but unfortunately I don't think that will be forever.

[LikeNoOther]

Thanks for dropping by.

 

It's his W's 3rd marriage - not his.

 

I am enjoying it. Even if he leaves, does not mean we're going to jump in the M bandwagon straight away.

[Onelife]

Hello everyone!

 

I am in my late twenties, never been married. I have just started a relationship with a MM. It all started as an EA then proceeded to PA after 6 months.

 

We have developed stronger feelings for one another every day of the week. Things are great at times and sometimes there will be moments where I have a lot of questions in my head but too afraid to ask him because I might get answers that I do not want to hear but I straightened up my shoulders and asked him anyway. Most of the time I do get the answers I want, at times his answer would be "I can't answer that right now" - which I am totally fine with. He has questions for me as well which I can't even answer right that second.

 

We have been together for almost one year now. Things are not the same in his M over the years. They have been married for almost 7 years now and M hasn't been great for the past 4 years so I really don't think it has anything to do with me as we only met last year. They have 2 children together. His W (this is her 3rd marriage) is older to him by 9 years and he is older to me by almost 9 years. Over the years that things have changed, he has mentioned the D word. She wasn't thrilled of course and whenever that subject comes up, she'd cry.

 

He has told me several times that he loves me more than anyone except his kids. Of course he still loves his W but the level of love he has for her isn't the same as the love he has for me. Call me naive or whatever you want but I believe every word he said. I still do.

 

Is he going to leave her? Only time will tell. Why am I here? Just to get some opinions and maybe just to let out my feelings. There is so much more to this. There will be more posts from me, I am sure.

 

Thank you to all of you who took the time to read my post.

 

Hi LikeNoOther, I can understand you so well. Your situation is pretty much like mine in many ways. My MM always says that there are his kids and me that he loves more than the world. Guess I can be called naive too.

My MM stays for the kids and that's his reason he cannot be with me. I do understand that. It's hard but I can accept it. I am working on myself to distance myself emotionally from him. Physical part is already done. We haven't seen each other for more than half a year. This is sad but I've learned so much from this experience. Yes we still talk and email occasionally. NC just never works for us.

I hope things will work out for you. Just have to make sure you are aware that it will be quite a rollercoaster ride, lots of the ups and downs that come with it. Every situation is different and I wish you all the best.

ONELIFE

[LikeNoOther]

Hi LikeNoOther, I can understand you so well. Your situation is pretty much like mine in many ways. My MM always says that there are his kids and me that he loves more than the world. Guess I can be called naive too.

My MM stays for the kids and that's his reason he cannot be with me. I do understand that. It's hard but I can accept it. I am working on myself to distance myself emotionally from him. Physical part is already done. We haven't seen each other for more than half a year. This is sad but I've learned so much from this experience. Yes we still talk and email occasionally. NC just never works for us.

I hope things will work out for you. Just have to make sure you are aware that it will be quite a rollercoaster ride, lots of the ups and downs that come with it. Every situation is different and I wish you all the best.

ONELIFE

 

Hi there Onelife. Thanks for your post.

 

I'm sorry things did not work out the way you wanted it to be. Like you, I am just living the moment until it changes which is if and when he leaves, then I'll see what I want. I told him if he wanted to leave, he should leave on his own decision and that it shouldn't be based on our R. After all, they have had problems over the years and have spoken about D. I can understand why she cried, after all it is her 3rd marriage and at her age, I think it's more about pride than anything else.

 

The last thing I want is for him to lose his kids. You know, W will probably threaten him "you can't see them if you leave me" kinda *****. If that happens, then too bad.

 

Thank you for sharing your side. I hope you will recover very soon and hey, I'm sure there's someone out there for you!!

[PoshPrincess]

Hi, LikeNoOther and OneLife. My sitch was pretty much the same as both of yours too, although I am further down the road (physically but def not emotionally, I'm afraid!) Like OneLife, after MM and I had decided to call it a day we did remain in contact occasionally. Now we are total NC. I do sometimes wish I had persevered with it all but I was an emotional wreck and who's to say he would ever have left. His kids are 18 and 16 and if he'd given me some sort of time limit then I would have waited but he could never promise me anything. Well, he used to make me all sorts of promises in the beginning but I don't think he realised how difficult they would be to keep.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He may leave his wife, he may not - but understand this: chances are he won't leave and he will say that he can't leave "because of the children". Here are a few things to consider.

 

When a MM considers leaving, these fears (and I word them in the way that their worst fears interpret them) loom large in his mind:

 

1. That he will be demoting himself down to a part time parent. No parent wants to voluntarily walk out of their children's lives for any reason.

 

2. That their children will come to think that Dad felt that a piece of strange p*ssy was more important than being in their lives full time.

 

3. That Mom will tell the children #2 above, along with stuff like "if Daddy loved you, he wouldn't have left you", and the children will believe it.

 

4. That their own parents, family and peers will look down upon him and ostracize him for being a marital failure, a failure as a parent, and abandoning his children for a piece of ass.

 

5. That Mom will meet a man, and this man will replace him as Daddy - that one day at his daughter's wedding, she will pick that man to give her away at the wedding and not the Dad who walked out of her life for another woman - that one day his son will be thanking people at an award ceremony and he will thank this man for 'being there like the father I never had' (and so on - stuff like this are a departing parent's worst fears).

 

6. That his children will turn on him, and turn on his OW and refuse to accept the new relationship.

 

7. Child support and alimony. He will lose the lifestyle to which he is accustomed to be with you, and you will help foot the bill to support the wife and children that he left to be with you.

 

8. That his children will suffer in school, and subsequently in life - and become dysfunctional because their father broke their home, and walked out on them for another woman.

 

9. That Mom will prevent him from seeing his children ever again.

 

He may love you. He may want to be with you. But know this - when it comes to the idea of him breaking up his own family, love may not be enough. My guess? He'll keep you around as an OW for a long as possible and when you put the screws to him to leave, he'll simply let you walk away. Don't overestimate your place in his life, or underestimate his children's place in his life. Right now you are just an option, not a priority and you'll just have to accept that. Will you be a priority to him one day? Maybe, maybe not.

 

Sometimes they do leave, but they will not if there is even a faint possibility of any of the scenarios happening above. The scenarios above seem exaggerated, but since you aren't a parent you will never understand just how excruciating the process is in leaving. These scenarios may never happen, but trust me: it doesn't stop you from being afraid that they will.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Is he going to leave her?

 

I doubt it. Most of the times is the woman that divorces the man.

 

Most men will put up with crap before getting a divorce, they just stick.

 

They have been married for almost 7 years now and M hasn't been great for the past 4 years

 

And now he has you on the side to keep him happier.

 

Ariadne

[PoshPrincess]

Hi,

Most men will put up with crap before getting a divorce, they just stick.

Ariadne

 

Agreed. I have said this so many times before but most men just like an easy life. They would rather stay (and have EMAs) than rock the boat and uplift theirs and everyone else's lives no matter how unhappy they are.

[cj1988]

I speak from experiece right now. My H is not happy and I believe he had an affair and may be in love with her. No matter what, he will not leave unless I make it happen. He will stay in our pretend world and act like an ass to me rather than stand on his own two feet and leave.

 

Let the wife find out, she will eventually leave him. Not right off the bat and you may loose your MM when he realizes she wants out. But in time, she will leave, too hard to live with cheating a-- holes !

[LikeNoOther]

Hi, LikeNoOther and OneLife. My sitch was pretty much the same as both of yours too, although I am further down the road (physically but def not emotionally, I'm afraid!) Like OneLife, after MM and I had decided to call it a day we did remain in contact occasionally. Now we are total NC. I do sometimes wish I had persevered with it all but I was an emotional wreck and who's to say he would ever have left. His kids are 18 and 16 and if he'd given me some sort of time limit then I would have waited but he could never promise me anything. Well, he used to make me all sorts of promises in the beginning but I don't think he realised how difficult they would be to keep.

 

Thanks PoshPrincess. The thing is my MM did not make any promises, that is why I guess I am fine with whatever that we have. If he did make any promises then it'd be different. I'd probably be a total wreck!!

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks PoshPrincess. The thing is my MM did not make any promises, that is why I guess I am fine with whatever that we have. If he did make any promises then it'd be different. I'd probably be a total wreck!!

 

Glad to hear that, at least. If my MM had never told me he loved me, promised me he would leave, said he would marry me, etc, it certainly would have been a lot less painless, in fact, I wouldn't have expected anything from him at all. He even told me that he'd told his W he was leaving. I don't believe he did to this day.

 

I hope you continue to be happy with your MM if that's what you want. When you find you can no longer cope with the not knowing, then is the time to get out!

[liddie]

We are in similar situations. My MM has never made any promises about our R either, however, my own expectations are what drives me crazy! My MM and I have spelled out our R and redefined it. We are going to stay together and see where it goes. We know that we need to take it one day at a time and that is exactly what we are going to do.

[LikeNoOther]

Glad to hear that, at least. If my MM had never told me he loved me, promised me he would leave, said he would marry me, etc, it certainly would have been a lot less painless, in fact, I wouldn't have expected anything from him at all. He even told me that he'd told his W he was leaving. I don't believe he did to this day.

 

I hope you continue to be happy with your MM if that's what you want. When you find you can no longer cope with the not knowing, then is the time to get out!

 

My MM said he loved me, he still says it all the time. He never promised me he would leave so in a way, I don't think I would feel hurt if he didn't. I do love him - a lot too, actually but I am also protecting myself from being too in love with him. If that made any sense.

 

I'm sorry your MM promised you such things. That was wrong of him to do! I hope you're coping well, PP.

[LikeNoOther]

We are in similar situations. My MM has never made any promises about our R either, however, my own expectations are what drives me crazy! My MM and I have spelled out our R and redefined it. We are going to stay together and see where it goes. We know that we need to take it one day at a time and that is exactly what we are going to do.

 

Lol - yes, it's usually our expectations that kill or drive us crazy! I had expectations but I only kept it to myself and I have learned to live with the fact that it might not happen. It could happen but it wouldn't happen overnight... I'm open to anything right now.

 

Like PP said, if there comes a time I feel like getting out, I would in no time, get out of it but for now, I am happy.

 

I agree with you Liddie, we need to live it one day at a time - just enjoy the moment!

[LikeNoOther]

I speak from experiece right now. My H is not happy and I believe he had an affair and may be in love with her. No matter what, he will not leave unless I make it happen. He will stay in our pretend world and act like an ass to me rather than stand on his own two feet and leave.

 

Let the wife find out, she will eventually leave him. Not right off the bat and you may loose your MM when he realizes she wants out. But in time, she will leave, too hard to live with cheating a-- holes !

 

I think a lot of men are like that. They'd rather the W divorce them then they come right out and say it!

 

Now, I think his W has an idea but like I said, it's her 3rd marriage so I gave she'd rather him have an affair.. I don't know.. they've talked about divorce a couple of times and both times, she cried.

[liddie]

My MM has seperated from his W twice now and she has found out about us 3 times. They even went as far as talking to a divorce attn'y once. All she does is cry and picks fights with him in front of the kids.

[LikeNoOther]

So he gives in all the time too?

 

My MM's W has an inkling that he's having an affair and even tried to find out but we've been lucky so far. She has in fact called me once - I called him and he didn't answer - and asked if I knew her H, I told her I dialed the wrong number. Obviously he didn't save my number in his phone. She bought it and hasn't called again.

 

This is her 3rd marriage and she didn't have kids from her previous marriages so often time, especially after the 2 child was born, he felt as if that was the only thing she wanted. Having kids now, she's contend with it. She hasn't wanted sex anymore even when he initiates it and he did mention that to her and she laughed it off. He sees as if he was her last hope to have kids... she had the first one around 40 yrs old.. or 39.

[liddie]

From what everyone has told me my MM's marriage has been in bad shape for ALONG time but espically the last 6 years (he so happens to have a 6 yr old) I think that she was knew if they had another kid he wouldn't leave..and she is right! Kids are a strong bargaining chip for alot of ppl and that is sad! I left my husband when my daughter was 11 months old...my happiness was and is the most important thing and in order for me to be the parent i need to be i need to be happy.

 

But back on topic...my MM now has a throw away phone that way she has no idea we talk. I have sent some txts to his "regular" phone and she asks why I am sending him stuff and he says that we still talk but denies that we are together.

 

I like you will stay for the time and when it is time to get out I will.

[OWoman]

That he will be demoting himself down to a part time parent. No parent wants to voluntarily walk out of their children's lives for any reason.

 

LB I wish that was true. I've seen far too many head for the hills when the real responsibilities of parenting hit home!

 

But to get back to the topic - LNO apologies for my misreading earlier (it's been a hectic day!) If it's HER third marriage than my points are invalid!

 

But given her age she's likely to cling, and not let him go easily. After three marriages, and with children, she probably knows her chances of landing someone for the long run are reduced if she lets this one go.

 

That said, it's not impossible that he leave. I've had a couple of As where MM have done exactly that, using the A as an escape hatch from an unhappy M, especially where they see they can attract a younger, more attractive woman than the current wife. If that's what you want?

[LucreziaBorgia]

LB I wish that was true. I've seen far too many head for the hills when the real responsibilities of parenting hit home!

 

Yeah, I should have amended that to say "nearly no parent..." because I do know for sure there are men and women out there who don't think twice about dumping their families permanently to go shack up with someone else. I can't imagine that "winning" that sort of person would be a good thing.

[NoIDidn't]

I only have one thing to say:

 

SEVEN YEAR ITCH (its real).

[OWoman]

I only have one thing to say:

 

SEVEN YEAR ITCH (its real).

 

I really admire the endurance of people that can last that long! My marriage lasted a coupla months!

[reboot]

I really admire the endurance of people that can last that long! My marriage lasted a coupla months!

I can't tell you how much that surprises me.

[OWoman]

I can't tell you how much that surprises me.

 

Big surprise was my agreeing to M in the first place