beau_cauchemar Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Old post here for more background > http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130296/ I tried to make it as to-the-point as possible. Any help is really appreciated. My heart and sanity are taking a beating. Late June - Broke up. After 3 1/2 years she needed some space in order to figure herself out. Our sparks had simmered and she was most likely leaving in an attempt to feel attractive/confident to someone again and to not have the stresses of our current relationship. July - Having lived with her I began to look for an apartment. In response to the pain of breaking up and feeling single again I pursued a couple different girls that quickly turned to nothing. By the end of July I began to feel lonely, and not having any prospects on the horizon began to truly mourne my loss. August - As my friends began to fall off due to changes in moods/schedules, I started to feel really alone. Then about 2 weeks before my planned move (from her place), she is introduced to a guy though her friends (a 28-year-old guy also recently out of a 3 year relationship/engagement) whom after a few drinks starts a casual sex relationship/fling with her. By the way, I am 21 and she is 20. I find out after she tells me and am crushed. Having only been with me I was stunned with her sudden decision to have sex (after claiming that she didn't want a relationship) and am left at home to watch her go out with the guy many a night. Late August - As soon as I get the word that I can move in to my new place I tell her that instead of gradually moving out, that I would be out that night for good. She is obviously surprised at the sudden move and allows me to leave without much of a goodbye but seemed sad. I begin NC immediately. September - Having moved out 1/2 of my stuff that one night in August, I speak with her mother (who lives with her) and arrange a date to pick up all that is left. It is now the middle of September. My ex calls me for the first time since my moving out to make sure I was coming on the day mentioned to pick up my stuff. I knew that she didn't have to confirm it as it was just a couple days ago that I spoke with her mom but she apparently wanted to use that as her excuse for calling anyway. She quickly moved the conversation to how I had taken her off MySpace and how it appeared that I didn't want to speak with her (hence the NC.) I replied by saying that my actions were merely to help the healing process and to not be constantly reminded of her AND also explaining that she was more than welcome to call me anytime to talk. She seemed upset and got off the phone. THE ISSUE: Recently I spoke with a mutual friend who explained that she seemed excited about her new fling, how it seemed like things are moving quite fast towards relationship territory, and that there seemed to be no obvious concern for me anymore. The friend's advice was that I should move on at this point BUT after having talked with her mom was told that it was not as serious as I was led to believe (in her mom's opinion.) It has now been nearly 3 weeks since my ex's call and 1 month since moving out and still no further contact has been made. Saddly enough it is not getting any easier being without her. Being social, attracting other girls, going out and doing things, nothing seems to be helping much these days. Not having her in my life has not only left me without a lover but has me without my best friend of 4 years. With how she sounded on the phone it now has me wondering if I hurt her to the point of not wanting to contact me again. I'd like to believe that she is beginning to lose her excitement with her fling and is beginning to miss me but just hasn't the guts to contact me yet. (This being a possibility since we loved eachother very much for our entire 3+ year relationship.) After the breakup and at the start of her fling I expressed in detail how much I loved her, how it was foolish of my to have taken her for granted, and how I wanted to make things right. Her declining reponses were that of a girl who seemed to still have love left for me but seemed too temped by the thought of how other guys could make her feel rather than to get back with me right away. Again, seeing her desire for a stress-free sexual vacation in order for her to feel free again (which seems temporary.) THE QUESTION: Whould it be good to break NC in my case? I fear my sudden NC and cutting her out of my life has caused her to not want to contact me or for her to feel that the love I expressed is now gone (which it isn't.) Or could it be that she apprecates my willingness to let her go and she will come around to contacting me eventually? (She was afterall my best friend of 4 years with hardly a couple days passing without contact.) Please, any help is greatly appreciated. I really do love this girl. -James
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 1. Whould it be good to break NC in my case? 2. I fear my sudden NC and cutting her out of my life has caused her to not want to contact me or for her to feel that the love I expressed is now gone (which it isn't.) 3. Or could it be that she apprecates my willingness to let her go and she will come around to contacting me eventually? (She was afterall my best friend of 4 years with hardly a couple days passing without contact.) 1. No, absolutely not. You will set yourself back that much further if you do. Contacting her will do nothing but feed into false hope and wishful thinking - neither of which will do you any good. 2. I doubt that is even on her mind much at all. 3. I think this is more likely the case. Let her be the one to make contact, but do not pin your hopes on it meaning anything. Most of the time when an ex contacts you after moving on with someone else, its either because they are curious, or they are feeling nostalgic, or they are feeling guilty. Rarely, if ever - does it mean they want you back.
Jilly10340 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I completely agree with Lucrezia. When someone leaves you to "figure themselves out" that's a nice way of saying they don't want to be with you anymore. And for Pete's sake, don't trust what her mother says. If this girl wanted you back, she would have tried to get you back, and there would have been nothing to stop her from trying. Even if she thought you hated her, she still would have tried. But, if you are worried that she does want you back and she's just afraid that you don't want her anymore, tell her clearly that if she ever does want you back, then get ahold of you and maybe you two can try again (if that's what you wanted, granted) That way, the ball is in her court, and you can get back to getting on with your life, instead of wondering what her motives are....
Mike1966 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 If she had the audacity to date someone else and have sex with them while you were still there, IMO, you don't need to worry about NC, you need to run as far from this girl as possible. I realize if you still care for her, it hurts, but anyone who makes a move like this is only thinking of themselves, not you, and really has shown you major disrespect. I suppose if she put you on notice that she was looking to date someone, MAYBE it's a little different. Was there anyone you could have stayed with after the planned move?? To stay there knowing she didn't want you there, and knowing she was dating someone else was just like adding fuel to your internal emotional fire. You've got to get the strength to move on, permanently, and take the time to heal from the pain of this relationship. If you want a relationship that is going to last, there needs to be a true commitment to each other and 100% selflessness from both parties having concern for each other. If she's done this once, it's one time too many..................what happens even if you by some stretch end up getting her back then she needs to "find herself (whatever)" again after 3 years?? I feel for you, I truly do as I have experienced tons of emotional pain these past 3 months after my wife of 15 yrs walked out on me.....................so believe me, I understand what it feels like when someone you love leaves you. What you can't tolerate during this process with ANYONE, is disrespect. It would be one thing if she had any desire whatsoever to reconcile with you, just wanted space........etc, but she doesn't, she went out and got involved quickly with someone else so she has moved on. How would you trust this girl again?? Best of luck to you.
Author beau_cauchemar Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 1. No, absolutely not. You will set yourself back that much further if you do. Contacting her will do nothing but feed into false hope and wishful thinking - neither of which will do you any good. 2. I doubt that is even on her mind much at all. 3. I think this is more likely the case. Let her be the one to make contact, but do not pin your hopes on it meaning anything. Most of the time when an ex contacts you after moving on with someone else, its either because they are curious, or they are feeling nostalgic, or they are feeling guilty. Rarely, if ever - does it mean they want you back. As far as #3 goes, I do think this is the most likely HOWEVER with how things ended, she seemed more confused than finished with me. After all, her new interest is a no-strings fling, not a dating relationship. In fact, one night after her fling started, we talked for a while and ended up making out for a bit. Now I know this probably was a "wants her cake and to eat it too" but it seems to me that she is only addicted to the idea of expereincing somthing new and not thinking of me as a never-again ex-boyfriend. Basically, instead of grieving the loss and allowing herself to move on, she sleeps with the first guy (the 28-year-old recently engaged breakup) that comes along to temporarily make herself feel better (and vice versa with him as well.) If her recent fling were to fall through, as rebound relationships usually do, I seriously doubt that she would have the power to move on since she probably never moved on in the first place. This is what makes me seriously question whether or not I could expect anything due to the undeniable feeling of this-guy-will-not-be-able-to-love-her-like-I-did-and-she'll-realize-that. She has always been the nicest, loving, and most caring girl, and I have done nothing but give her love and friendship in return. Surely this new fling couldn't have taken that reality from her. After all, anyone coming out of a LTR will no doubt be comparing the new person to their ex either consiously or subconsiously, and I doubt that even with the problems we had toward the end that this new guy could measure up all that well. ****I mean, is it common for a girl to let the stresses of a love-based relationship drive them to want something new/casual fling, only to later realize that they miss their ex's genuine affection a great deal?**** Basically, based on everything you've read, do you think she'll ever make contact again??? -Me P.S. It is worth mentioning that I went through a phase right after our breakup when I pursued a girl and had an exciting time doing it (no sex involved though.) During this time my ex made friendly contact with me and ironically I didn't care due to the new girl. It was only after things didn't work out with that girl that I started to miss my ex and REALIZED that I had never really moved on. It only makes me wonder more if things will turn out the same way for her. I guess only time will tell but doesn't this make sense?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Oh, its fairly certain she'll make contact again. Just probably not the kind you are hoping for. You see it as a rebound. I see it as a rebound. The trouble is that she probably does not see it as a rebound. She is busy 'correcting' every wrong she felt she had in her relationship with you and mapping it squarely onto him - right now he seems like the "long lost perfect boyfriend she has waited her whole life for" rather than just some guy she is mapping a bunch of stuff onto in order to right some perceived relationship wrongs. She is basking in the glow of the new right now, and everything she does now with him casts a dark shadow on her relationship with you in comparison. She will not miss you right now. She might miss a few things out of pure nostalgia, but she is busy not missing the relationship. She may get to the point where the glow fades, and she finds herself wanting you back - or she may not. Sometimes the glow fades, and the relationship simply deepens into something more meaningful. Either way, you are firmly in the stages of grief and loss which trap you in a perpetual state of wishful thinking. I can understand that fully. Hopefully you will move past this into a state of acceptance, so that you can move on and find your happiness based on what you want and choose, not based on whether or not some girl chooses you over some guy she wants to be with right now. She has all of the power over you right now. You'll get it back eventually. It just takes some time, and needless to say... some heartbreak too.
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