Author pjean Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 He isn't going to tell his wife. Why would he? above someone said to give him a line in the sand so to say, tell your wife in the next 6 months or we are finished. so, what if I do draw that line...tell him I believe in the best interest of the situation and fairness to all parties in an unfair and hurtful situation he should tell his w of the A and child...say by the child's 1st birthday??? what does that say about me - giving him an ultimatum? what does that open up to our relationship and his relationship with our child? i know he doesnt want to hurt his w or children with her, i dont want them to be hurt either...but this situation seems to be filled with nothing but hurt for everyone...I know him...he would take anything resembling that demand as a threat...he doesnt take well to threats.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 above someone said to give him a line in the sand so to say, tell your wife in the next 6 months or we are finished. so, what if I do draw that line...tell him I believe in the best interest of the situation and fairness to all parties in an unfair and hurtful situation he should tell his w of the A and child...say by the child's 1st birthday??? what does that say about me - giving him an ultimatum? what does that open up to our relationship and his relationship with our child? i know he doesnt want to hurt his w or children with her, i dont want them to be hurt either...but this situation seems to be filled with nothing but hurt for everyone...I know him...he would take anything resembling that demand as a threat...he doesnt take well to threats. You've got to stop thinking of MM's feelings in all this pjean. You're focussing on him being upset at threats, not liking ultimatums, his family being upset - but you've got to prioritise your child. Maybe not so much your relationship, but definitely your child. Your child doesn't deserve to live in secrecy and I'm afraid that something MM needs to stand up and sort out. I think you should give him an ultimatum - I dont mean an ultimatum with your child, as I believe your child should have the option to see its father. But an ultimatum on your relationship, definitely. I think you're right to not want to tell the W yourself, its MMs responsibility, you just need to figure out a way to encourage him to do that.
Author pjean Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 You've got to stop thinking of MM's feelings in all this pjean. You're focussing on him being upset at threats, not liking ultimatums, his family being upset - but you've got to prioritise your child. Maybe not so much your relationship, but definitely your child. Your child doesn't deserve to live in secrecy and I'm afraid that something MM needs to stand up and sort out. I think you should give him an ultimatum - I dont mean an ultimatum with your child, as I believe your child should have the option to see its father. But an ultimatum on your relationship, definitely. I think you're right to not want to tell the W yourself, its MMs responsibility, you just need to figure out a way to encourage him to do that. at what age does it really begin to effect child? if i push for him to come clean with it all for our child then what if he comes back with our child being too young to even know any different right now?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I don't know that I would go the route of demands or threats in a case like this. I would simply sit him down and tell him that you feel that it would be in your child's best interests if he was a father in the full sense of the word. He may not be able to live with you and the child full time, but he needs to be able to incorporate the child into his own life, and give that child the experience of a father as much as he can, and not just play the part of a MM who fathered a child and wants to keep it under wraps. The child should be able to be in his home, get the benefit of having a father to attend birthday parties, school events, etc. As the child gets older, he will not be able to hide this. Won't he want to go to graduations? Award ceremonies? What about high school graduation? College? Your child's wedding? The birth of your grandchild? Will he have to sneak away and lie about where he is going so that he can sqeeze in some discreet time for his own child? This child should be a part of his life for the long haul, not just something he does when its convenient and discreet. His child should be a part of his life, not just another part of his affair. I agree that his wife is going to have to know if your child is going to get even a minor shot at having MM for a Dad, and not just "Mom's MM who sneaks over when he can." I don't know of a good way to do that. Some BW find out when the MM is given paternity testing and has to pay child support. Some find out from other outside sources. It would be best for her to hear it from him, but I don't think that right now he is thinking in terms of what is best for your child. He is thinking in terms of what is best for him. Perhaps you can appeal to his sense of fatherhood for the long haul. Mention the graduations, the awards, the milestones - and let him know that you don't want your child to be part of the affair. You want this child to be part of a family, as blended as it may be. See how he looks at it from that angle. I'm sure that BW will resent what he has done, will probably hate you, and will resent the fact that there is a child who will be a symbol of disruption in their life, but I can't imagine that she would punish the child in some way for it. She may not like it, but I'm sure she could adjust. I'm serious about one thing though - she will want to find out in the most humane way possible, and that would be from her husband. Finding out from anyone else might taint her feelings toward it that much further. Now, that said - if he still resists you will want to seriously consider relocating and protecting your child from this by simply treating MM like a sperm donor. You will have a choice to make: raise your child without a father, or raise him/her with one who will treat him/her no better than someone he has an affair with and doesn't want anyone to know about. I would hope you would do what is best for your child in that case, and not what is best for perpetuating your and MM's affair.
Author pjean Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I don't know that I would go the route of demands or threats in a case like this. I would simply sit him down and tell him that you feel that it would be in your child's best interests if he was a father in the full sense of the word. He may not be able to live with you and the child full time, but he needs to be able to incorporate the child into his own life, and give that child the experience of a father as much as he can, and not just play the part of a MM who fathered a child and wants to keep it under wraps. The child should be able to be in his home, get the benefit of having a father to attend birthday parties, school events, etc. As the child gets older, he will not be able to hide this. Won't he want to go to graduations? Award ceremonies? What about high school graduation? College? Your child's wedding? The birth of your grandchild? Will he have to sneak away and lie about where he is going so that he can sqeeze in some discreet time for his own child? This child should be a part of his life for the long haul, not just something he does when its convenient and discreet. His child should be a part of his life, not just another part of his affair. I agree that his wife is going to have to know if your child is going to get even a minor shot at having MM for a Dad, and not just "Mom's MM who sneaks over when he can." I don't know of a good way to do that. Some BW find out when the MM is given paternity testing and has to pay child support. Some find out from other outside sources. It would be best for her to hear it from him, but I don't think that right now he is thinking in terms of what is best for your child. He is thinking in terms of what is best for him. Perhaps you can appeal to his sense of fatherhood for the long haul. Mention the graduations, the awards, the milestones - and let him know that you don't want your child to be part of the affair. You want this child to be part of a family, as blended as it may be. See how he looks at it from that angle. I'm sure that BW will resent what he has done, will probably hate you, and will resent the fact that there is a child who will be a symbol of disruption in their life, but I can't imagine that she would punish the child in some way for it. She may not like it, but I'm sure she could adjust. I'm serious about one thing though - she will want to find out in the most humane way possible, and that would be from her husband. Finding out from anyone else might taint her feelings toward it that much further. Now, that said - if he still resists you will want to seriously consider relocating and protecting your child from this by simply treating MM like a sperm donor. You will have a choice to make: raise your child without a father, or raise him/her with one who will treat him/her no better than someone he has an affair with and doesn't want anyone to know about. I would hope you would do what is best for your child in that case, and not what is best for perpetuating your and MM's affair. thank you, i am going to express points you have made to him and see what happens. i dont expect to get a positive reaction from him. but, expressing to him what i feel our child deserves is not a threat...its motherly and loving of our child. so, with that said...again many thanks and i will let you know the results...
GreenEyedLady Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 thank you, i am going to express points you have made to him and see what happens. i dont expect to get a positive reaction from him. but, expressing to him what i feel our child deserves is not a threat...its motherly and loving of our child. so, with that said...again many thanks and i will let you know the results... You have to do what is best for you and your child, not what people on this forum think is best... YOU are the one who will be faced with the ramifications...Do what YOU feel in your heart is best...This is not a clear cut situation, no matter how it appears to outsiders...This is YOUR life, choose wisely... GEL
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 You have to do what is best for you and your child, not what people on this forum think is best... It seems she's thankful for the help and advice, hense joining LS to ask for help. I think she knows what she has to do, and coming here has helped her make a choice that probably was in the back of her mind to begin with.
PoshPrincess Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 at what age does it really begin to effect child? if i push for him to come clean with it all for our child then what if he comes back with our child being too young to even know any different right now? I agree that your child is too young to know any different NOW but in a couple of years time that won't be the case. My son was 21 months old when my partner and I split up. Two years on and he's doing fine. He is lucky that we co-parent so he spends a lot of quality time with his Dad. He's a rel Daddy's boy and I know that if the split happened now it WOULD affect him. He is much more knowledgeable of what's going on around him (obviously) than he was at 2. Now, he doesn't even remember Mummy and Daddy living together. PJean, I agree that you have to think of your child 1st. If you stay with your MM with your child as a secret it won't affect your child now, but what about, say, when he/she starts school? There are bound to be questions. Plus, when he/she grows up it could have a serious psychological affect on him/her, having been the product of an affair and having been kept a secret. I hope you make the right decision for yourself, but most importantly for your child.
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