Should I stay married?

[LovelySoul]

Should I stay married to my husband? We have been together for 9 1/2 years and married for the past 2 years. I was young (18 yrs old) when we got together. I was out on my own and in a way alone. I think sometimes I attached to him so I wouldn't be alone.

 

Anyways, about 1 1/2 years ago I found out he had been cheating on me with an old girlfriend. The affair was on and off for about 3 years. Before the affair and during the affair he seemed to loose interest in me. We didn't go out and didn't have any meaningful conversations. I told him that we needed to work on us and things would change for a couple of months and then they would go back to being blahhhhh.

 

During his affair we had 2 kids. I don't know if the fear of being a father led him to the affair or depression. It was probably both. His depressed state during these years brought me down. I lost focus on what really matter to "me". I was in school to be a nurse but because it was too time consuming I changed my major and got a general business degree. Education has always been important to me. When I graduated there was no celebration, no dinner, no card, nothing. The only thing he said was great, now you can spend time with the family more. Keep in mind I finished my degree online and was always there for the family. My school/studying time was done when everyone was in bed. Anyways, hopefully, this shows you how unattentive he was.

 

There is so much more that he did that just made our situation bad. Nothing violent. Just unattentive and lies.

 

So after everything I am still with him. He claims he is a changed man and I have seen some improvement however it is not the same for me. Once I found out about the long affair and violation of trust I began looking at him differently. It is as if I finally see who he is. He is not the person that I should have married. I was young and inexperienced. But now I have 2 kids and he is a great father to them.

 

To make the situation more complicated I cheated on husband. I met this guy through mutual acquaintence and the attraction was there. We only saw each other for a few months and then I cooled it to focus on school (something I am doing for me). However, I ran into this guy again and those same feelings came out. Keep in mind that I have not though about this guy since I last saw him and my relationship with my husband is again strained. I just don't know what to do about these feelings that I have for this new guy and the lack of feelings I have for my husband.

 

Any advise

[amaysngrace]

Hmm...that's a tough call. He's a good dad to the children so that makes it tough. He cheated but so did you. You are finally going for a career so you are feeling the freedom a little. And maybe it's provoking you to want complete change.

 

I would suggest you two try to work it out. I got married young and we both grew apart. In so many ways I wish we had tried to work it out because it seems to me that there is nothing more gratifying in this world than doing right by your family.

 

Have you guys ever been to counseling?

[ohmy3]

Oh my after reading this it feels like i just posted it! BUT the cheating part haven't done that adside from that I am in the same boat as you are, (ie: hubby so alike) , I really don't think you should have cheated or try to go down that rd of seeking att. until you try what you can w/ your husband and when all fails then you cut ties, remember the example your setting for your kids. Cause he cheated and for some time let that be his mistake and dont' folllow by his example ur kids need 1 grounded adult to learn right/wrong from............

 

I can read and feel the pain you have likely felt! like you say only give a crap when you tell him things are not good it sounds like he gave up on the marriage sometime ago and now maybe wakin up, you can't make yourself feel "IN love " w/ him cause he just now gets it ............ But i would @ least seek MC if you can pay for itto at least see if there is hope as you do have 2 kids.

 

Take care and good luck!

[cj1988]

No, live for you and get out while you can......the lack of trust and the cloud that lingers over you head after an affair will never go away. You said he had a long term affair and you had a short one, sounds like you both want out.....grown apart more than likely.