sadbuttrue Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 i have found myself focusing on MM's W and their famly a lot lately. even talking to MM about her. i bring her up, even though it upsets me. for some reason it seems to help me in a strange way. it is like it reminds me of what i am doing. i keep thinking that reminding myself of the reality of my situation will help me to see the hopelessness of it all. so far it has not helped me to end things, but it does help to "kill the hope" so to speak. just wondering if any of you do this as well. force yourself to focus on the W and family to sort of help you see the reality of your situation.
norajane Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 kill the hope... Someone else on LS said this about hope: WHEN THERE IS HOPE, even the remotest chance, it's one hundred times harder to accept what we want least to believe, or to give up on what we most desire, in order to receive the piece of mind that we so very badly need.Do whatever you have to do to kill that destructive hope - what I believe is the most pernicious of all the evils in Pandora's Box.
uniqueone Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 i have found myself focusing on MM's W and their famly a lot lately. even talking to MM about her. i bring her up, even though it upsets me. for some reason it seems to help me in a strange way. it is like it reminds me of what i am doing. i keep thinking that reminding myself of the reality of my situation will help me to see the hopelessness of it all. You won't kill the hope until you're ready to. Part of this is an addiction. Part of it is that they spun a fairy tale to you which seemed so magical and enchanting that you couldn't help but enter it. Once you're ready to break the spell, then you'll be able to free yourself.....no sooner.
Mino Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 hello, I wish that would be so easy..... But when I think of MM w , I know what she looks like, but I do not see a face when i think of her. I guess its a form of denial, as if she does not exist. Crasy huh? cause I do now she is there,
Onelife Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 i have found myself focusing on MM's W and their famly a lot lately. even talking to MM about her. i bring her up, even though it upsets me. for some reason it seems to help me in a strange way. it is like it reminds me of what i am doing. i keep thinking that reminding myself of the reality of my situation will help me to see the hopelessness of it all. so far it has not helped me to end things, but it does help to "kill the hope" so to speak. just wondering if any of you do this as well. force yourself to focus on the W and family to sort of help you see the reality of your situation. I am with you! Yes I do that too. It's how I can put things back to reality! It's to remind both him and I that this is no fantasy! It helps in the most strange and upset way. Oh yeah and to kill the hope! I think we do feel bad about this whole situation and as much as we can't help it, it's what we do to pull ourselves and MM somehow back to reality.
PoshPrincess Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I am with you! Yes I do that too. It's how I can put things back to reality! It's to remind both him and I that this is no fantasy! It helps in the most strange and upset way. Oh yeah and to kill the hope! I think we do feel bad about this whole situation and as much as we can't help it, it's what we do to pull ourselves and MM somehow back to reality. I did it too, especially after DDay. I tried to think about all the pain she was going through, and telling myself that, whatever I was feeling, she had been married to this guy for 14 years and had two kids with him! It did help but my pain was still real, and still is. Saying that, she is the one who is with him so has the constant reminder of what he's done staring her in the face every morning! Let's hope she has been strong enough to move on.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I don't think the hope goes away until you stop thinking of the wife as an obstacle in your relationship with MM and start thinking of her as MM's choice of person to stay married to. A MM will say stuff like "I don't have a choice - if it wasn't for W, I would be with you." That builds false hope. If a MM were more truthful and said stuff like "I do have a choice - I choose to stay married because things being easier for me outweighs your happiness" then hope would be a little easier to let go of. As long as MM convinces you that he is not married by choice, the longer you will hold on to false hope. Understand this: he always has a choice, and every day he stays married he is making the choice to stay married.
Author sadbuttrue Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 oh i realize it is his choice alright. and that just about kills me. i have told him before that he has made his choice and it is not me. he knows this is true. whatever love he feels for me, it is just not enough to make him change his mind. i do know this. these are things i keep telling myself, to help me to see my way out. no matter how much i love him, no matter how good i am to him, his mind is made up. it is just so hard to remember all that when he is staring into my eyes telling me how happy he is to have me, and how much he loves me. i do not think he is insincere about his feelings. i am sure he tells her the same. he loves us both. and i really dont want a relationship like that.
TogetherForever Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 i have found myself focusing on MM's W and their famly a lot lately. even talking to MM about her. i bring her up, even though it upsets me. for some reason it seems to help me in a strange way. it is like it reminds me of what i am doing. i keep thinking that reminding myself of the reality of my situation will help me to see the hopelessness of it all. so far it has not helped me to end things, but it does help to "kill the hope" so to speak. just wondering if any of you do this as well. force yourself to focus on the W and family to sort of help you see the reality of your situation. I don't do that. Are you doing this to aid yourself in ending the relationship? Sounds like you already see the hopelessness of it all. Why stay in it & endure the torture?
Author sadbuttrue Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 i think it just helps me to not hope so much. like i said, the more i think about the W and kids and them as a family, it does help to kill the hope. that is what is making it hard for me to leave right now, i still have this hope, even though there have never been any promises made, quite the contrary actually. i feel like if i can get rid of the hope it will make it easier for me to get out.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 i think it just helps me to not hope so much. like i said, the more i think about the W and kids and them as a family, it does help to kill the hope. that is what is making it hard for me to leave right now, i still have this hope, even though there have never been any promises made, quite the contrary actually. i feel like if i can get rid of the hope it will make it easier for me to get out. Ah sadbuttrue, I know what you're talking about. During the darkest times in my R with MM I've focussed really hard on his wife, and how great his marriage might be. I even asked MM to tell me nice things about her so I could replace the memories of my contact with her with something good to focus on. It sort of helps and in a way it can help to understand them to really visualise being in their shoes, to really imagine what they're going through - it makes you focus on the pain MM has brought into the lives of not just his OW but the life of someone who he professed to love enough to enter into marriage with. But extinguishing all hope? When you get a remedy for that, let me know...
uniqueone Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I don't think the hope goes away until you stop thinking of the wife as an obstacle in your relationship with MM I don't that's what makes your hope go away. I think what makes your hope go away is realizing that your MM is no great catch to have to begin with, and that his W can have him because you'd rather have better than that.
Meaplus3 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I don't think the hope goes away until you stop thinking of the wife as an obstacle in your relationship with MM I don't that's what makes your hope go away. I think what makes your hope go away is realizing that your MM is no great catch to have to begin with, and that his W can have him because you'd rather have better than that. I think what makes your hope go away is realizing that your MM is no great catch to have to begin with, and that his W can have him because you'd rather have better than that. Unique, I find what you said here to be so very true! In my case with this xmm living nextdoor, I have realized from so much that I have seen in the past few's month's that he's NO great catch! Infact he probably would have been more of a burden to me if I had ended up with him. I think fantasy VS reality is such a big part of most affair's and through out most part's of the affair wether it be at the beginning the middle or the end seperating The fantasy VS the reality is tough to do. False hope is easy to cling onto. Just my thought's! AP:)
uniqueone Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Unique, I find what you said here to be so very true! In my case with this xmm living nextdoor, I have realized from so much that I have seen in the past few's month's that he's NO great catch! Infact he probably would have been more of a burden to me if I had ended up with him. I think fantasy VS reality is such a big part of most affair's and through out most part's of the affair wether it be at the beginning the middle or the end seperating The fantasy VS the reality is tough to do. False hope is easy to cling onto. Just my thought's! AP:) Exactly! The statement about realizing that the wife is the obstacle in the relationship with the MM makes it look like the MM is a prize. An OW who sees it that way might be thinking that the W has "won" and therefore the OW will concede, but, while that might stop the A, it's not changing the OW's mindset about the whole situation and that means she might end up in a similar situation again. In other words......OW...stop thinking he's the prize!
frannie Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 No, I don't focus on his W because any time I hear something about her, I want to strangle him for messing her around! But yes, I think if I was trying to break things off with him, focusing on his W and C would help me to back the hell out of the situation.
CAMAYPARK Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I did, it helped me to focus on the fact that at the end of the day, he chose the W, he chose marriage, history and his life with her. It doesn't lessen the pain but it reinforces to me that I will never comes first in his life and it is time to move on, which I did. He still tries to moan at and complain to me that.... basically seeking sympathy but I just ask him politely to direct all his neediness and attention seeking attitude to his wife.
overandout Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I did, it helped me to focus on the fact that at the end of the day, he chose the W, he chose marriage, history and his life with her. It doesn't lessen the pain but it reinforces to me that I will never comes first in his life and it is time to move on, which I did. He still tries to moan at and complain to me that.... basically seeking sympathy but I just ask him politely to direct all his neediness and attention seeking attitude to his wife. Yeap, same for me. I know that I would be allowing myself to be used, both physically and emotionally, to top up his marriage and I have a bit more self respect than that. He had a choice; to remain or to change his life, and he chose the status quo. I don't need a reminder of that by continuing the affair with him. It is hard but best to acknowledge it now, rather than months down the line or hang in there hoping he might change his mind in the future. I think the longer it goes on the less inclined they are to leave.
upto_here Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 i have found myself focusing on MM's W and their famly a lot lately. even talking to MM about her. i bring her up, even though it upsets me. for some reason it seems to help me in a strange way. it is like it reminds me of what i am doing. i keep thinking that reminding myself of the reality of my situation will help me to see the hopelessness of it all. so far it has not helped me to end things, but it does help to "kill the hope" so to speak. just wondering if any of you do this as well. force yourself to focus on the W and family to sort of help you see the reality of your situation. Hi SBT ...you know what you sound like me before my d day...at first i thought the same ..that its does help me that how are theirs M ,how they life together but there is a negative side of this its became obsess in the end you asked because you want the answer ..as you say it will not help you in many way i can say that is true ..its not help ...believe me you don;t want to know what go on in their life you will became a jealous person without noticing..it kill the hope yes ...when you say kill the hope there is answer in itself which is it will not work with the mm..sorry if its a bit harsh but its true i been there ..done that and end up hurting myself even more..i hope you will not be like me .
Author sadbuttrue Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 yeah, it has not gotten me any closer to losing the little hope i have. for some reason that dang hope is hard to kill i have a feeling that he will never end this himself. she has already found out once, and he continues to see me. i dont think it would be any different a second or third time. i am not at the point where i feel like i can end it either. we have had a few serious discussions lately about everything and his story has never changed. he is not leaving. he knows he is hurting me, and he says he should just walk away from me and leave me alone....stupid me, that is not what i want
overandout Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 yeah, it has not gotten me any closer to losing the little hope i have. for some reason that dang hope is hard to kill i have a feeling that he will never end this himself. she has already found out once, and he continues to see me. i dont think it would be any different a second or third time. i am not at the point where i feel like i can end it either. we have had a few serious discussions lately about everything and his story has never changed. he is not leaving. he knows he is hurting me, and he says he should just walk away from me and leave me alone....stupid me, that is not what i want I really feel for you and hope you will find the courage to walk away. The obvious pain that you are in will not ease until you leave him. It will be hard and the first few weeks/months will be like hell, but you will feel better and one day wonder why the hell you stayed in the self destructive relationship for so long. I put up with things that I would never tolerate from a single guy, but am certainly emotionally healtheir since he became my Xmm. It is surprising how the years roll on while the OW still has hope.
Author sadbuttrue Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 thank you overandout. i appreciate it. i will continue to look towards a happier ending for myself.
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