Lauriebell82 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 hi everyone. So today I was on my boyfriend's computer and went to check my email on hotmail. My bf must have checked his email before he went to work because he was already signed in. I looked through his emails (which yes i know is snooping, spare me the lecture please), I have no clue what I was hoping to find. I trust my bf completely, so it was no surprise that there were just work emails and emails from his mom. I had the urge to go back and look again (again i'm not sure why) and figured out his password fairly easily. I felt so guilty for going back that I didn't even look at anything. I guess I do know why I am doing this. My ex bf who was a liar saved conversations from girls he had talked to on the internet telling him he was single and telling him that he would love to do all kinds of raunchy things to them (we were living together at the time). Long story short, he cried and said he was wrong and he just freaked out because he wasn't ready to live together, i forgave him and stupidly took him back. A couple months later I caught him in a bigger lie and broke up with him. I keep having the inkly to go back an check his email. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing it. I trust my bf, I know he wouldn't do the same thing to me that my ex did, but I guess I jsut can't help getting scared that history is going to repeat itself. i guess I'm just asking for opinions on how to stop these feelings, I really don't want to check his email anymore I just don't know how to fight the urge.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 You are bringing in your own mistrust and emotional baggage from your previous relationship into this new one. That is unfair and your present boyfriend hasn't done anything to deserve this. Don't do it. Instead of snooping, TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. Tell him you're having some fears, some insecurities and you need love and reassurance from him that he loves you, that things are fine between you two. Tell me some wonderful things about your boyfriend. How does he make you feel? What nice things does he do for you? Is he a kind and warm person? Is he loving and giving? Does he put himself out for you, his friends, his family? How does he treat you in general, in and out of bed? I think you need to focus in the present, not in the past. HE is not your ex... Tell him the reason why you're having these doubts...Tell him that you mistakenly opened his email and looked, but realized it was wrong and you feel bad about it. Appologize for snooping.
uniqueone Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 You keep saying that you trust him but apparently you don't. There has to be a motivation to look or you wouldn't look. Maybe it was some small thing he said recently that triggered these feelings. Maybe something he said or did brought back memories of your ex. Something made you associate your feelings to this behavior. It doesn't happen randomly. Maybe it's nothing that HE did himself. Maybe it's the same length of time that you were with your ex that your ex started his bad behavior so it's making you think it's going to happen with this new BF at the same time frame in the relationship. I think you should really think over your motivation for it before talking to your BF about it. You don't want to open up any can of worms by appearing untrusting. It may have something to do with you and how you're perceiving things and nothing to do with him. Incidentally, computers have caused a lot of havoc in relationships unfortunately. Between emails, texting, porn and video clips of ex's, it's created messes that were never there before. Before computers....if there were any old love letters, the other partner found them when they were putting laundry away.....and burned them.... Porn was a magazine found under the bed......which the partner could easily burn......... Video clips and texting.....non existant..... So much simpler......
oppath Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Don't freak out about this. If his email was already open, it's not the end of the world if you casually looked. It really is not. I'd be slightly uncomfortable if I found out my girlfriend did that, but I wouldn't be pissed. And when you tried to guess his password, you caught yourself and didn't read his emails. Good for you. It sounds like you had some temporary insecurities from your past that crept into your relationship. We all have those weak moments. Do you expect those moments to become more frequent? Has anything else happened in your life/relationship to make you feel more insecure?
norajane Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 You're just going to make yourself feel worse if you keep going into his email, so please don't give in to the temptation. Each time you log in there and don't tell him, that's one more secret you have to keep - another lie of omission. That will create distance between you. WWIU gave you good advice. If you have this baggage from your past, please talk to your bf about it. Tell him about your fears - it really has a way of defusing the fears when you bring them out into the open. I don't know if you need reassurance from him or not - it sounds like things are fine and this just came up because his email was open. In any case, I think it would be helpful for him to know about your fears so if something comes up in the future...like some ex gf of his finds him on MySpace or whatever...he'll understand that he will want to be careful with your feelings, and that it would bother you greatly if he started communicating with exes.
Krytie TV Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Lauriebelle, the problem with snooping around things when you have no real reason to is that it is just so easy to find suspicion in things that just aren't suspicious. I may only be speaking for myself, but I know I have probably made flirty comments in emails or something of that nature and really meant nothing by it but just having fun. I'm not talking about and emotional affair or seeing someone else or even a persistent thread of flirting , just random isolated comments. If someone saw it it could make them wonder what's going on and cause a big fuss when it honestly means absolutely nothing. These are things better left unknown, because they are harmless. You seriously can only harm a relationship with that behavior, and I think you know that. I said it before, keep it up and you will find something to feel bad about when there is absolutely no reason to. You control your emotional state from here on out.
BlueEyedGirl Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I would look at his email. Just to make sure. If there really is nothing to hide then you won't find anything - and you will feel better. There is nothing wrong about protecting yourself from being betrayed - I have learned the hard way that even people who appear very trustworthy can not be trusted. It's just being realistic.
Krytie TV Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 lol Trust no one. The truth is out there.
BlueEyedGirl Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 But even innocent flirty comments that are nothing now can grow into something later. It's wise to keep your eyes open.
Sleek Geek Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 My ex-boyfriend snooped in my e-mails. To this day I still get a little mad when I think about it, especially since he had absolutely no reason to snoop. I found him out when he 'confronted' me about a really good girl friend of mine who has one of those guy-girl name (like Ashley). I realize that he did it because he has difficulty trusting anyone (his dad cheated on his mom when he was a kid). I can kind of forgive him. Yet I can't help but think that his snooping was manipulative and controlling. Good on you for not reading the e-mails. Is there anyway you can get him to change his password to something you could never guess? You know, to take the temptation away?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Thank you everyone for the great replies. Actually everything in our relationship is wonderful. He's given me no reason whatsoever to distrust him or make me suspcious of him in any way. We are reallly really happy right now. We have our arguments but we always work them out. Like uniqueone said, I'm trying to figure out what kind of motivation I have for this snooping when he hasn't given me any reason to do so. My bf and I have been together a little over a year and that's about the time when my ex bf started lying to me, right before we moved in together. Me and my current bf have also been talking about moving in together next May (when I finish my Masters degree and come home). It's a long way off to be talking about that, maybe I'm afraid he'll start freaking out just like my ex did. Could that be the reason? I'm really trying to stop the urge to look at his email, actually writing about it and confronting it helped me fight the urges to snoop. Thanks for all your help, in advance. So what does everyone think I should do?
Art_Critic Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 (which yes i know is snooping, spare me the lecture please) .. Looking in his email does nothing but create stuff like you are feeling.. you seem happy with everything.. Stop Snooping.. everybody has secrets and needs the room to keep them in their closets. You might tell him that you snooped and have him change his password..
Author Lauriebell82 Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 .. Looking in his email does nothing but create stuff like you are feeling.. you seem happy with everything.. Stop Snooping.. everybody has secrets and needs the room to keep them in their closets. You might tell him that you snooped and have him change his password.. I think he'd be pissed and think I don't trust him if I told him that. I'm just going to have to find a way to fight the urge to do it. i don't know what would make myself feel better though..
Art_Critic Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I think he'd be pissed and think I don't trust him if I told him that. I'm just going to have to find a way to fight the urge to do it. i don't know what would make myself feel better though.. Tough urge to fight.. If you can't do it then you might change the password of his email so the next time he logs in he will be forced to change it to something else... or you could lock his account by typing wrong passwords and then he will try and login and get an account locked ( hotmail does this ).. Then maybe you could mention to him that he should pick a new one if someone is trying to guess his... or something like that... Good luck.. Try and not snoop.. he needs the privacy.. we all do...
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 My bf and I have been together a little over a year and that's about the time when my ex bf started lying to me, right before we moved in together. Me and my current bf have also been talking about moving in together next May (when I finish my Masters degree and come home). It's a long way off to be talking about that, maybe I'm afraid he'll start freaking out just like my ex did. You talk to your boyfriend about this. Tell him how you feel and why.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I would look at his email. Just to make sure. If there really is nothing to hide then you won't find anything - and you will feel better. There is nothing wrong about protecting yourself from being betrayed - I have learned the hard way that even people who appear very trustworthy can not be trusted. It's just being realistic. This is bad advice. Please don't go back into his email account. If you choose to sneak back into his email account, it only makes YOU untrustworthy. Which inturn, will reflect upon to him, making you think he is being unfaithful/not trustworthy to you. He hasn't given you any reason to doubt him.
hindsfeet Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 one thing i try to practice is not to make the person im with pay for what the person(s) i have been with have done to me. there is no reason for that and it is not fair. yes i agree it is totally safer for you. but trust will never be able to be there if you dont allow it. by playing it safe, also you are trying to guard yourself. do that up to a point but when is it time to fall in love? when you fall sometimes you can really get hurt. but when you fall right....wow. it is so worth it.
uniqueone Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I think he'd be pissed and think I don't trust him if I told him that. I'm just going to have to find a way to fight the urge to do it. i don't know what would make myself feel better though.. Ask yourself what you fear about trusting. That it makes you vulnerable? That you could get hurt if you let your guard down? Does NOT trusting keep you from getting hurt? Not trusting is causing a long term lingering pain, whereas trusting and let's say you get hurt later on--would cause a deep pain. So is a long, lingering pain better than a shorter deep pain? Do you think you can you learn to trust unless someone gives you a reason not to trust them?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I guess I'm just scared of losing my bf. I love him so much and I want to marry him someday (similar to how I felt about my ex bf when I discovered his emails). I suppose I'm scared that my bf will do something loserish that will make me have to break up with him. I love him, I can't imagine my life without him. I didn't check his email today, i'm very proud of myself. Talking about my fears helps me. I have told my bf a little about why I broke up with my ex, I just don't think he really likes to hear about it.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 You definately need to get that extra TLC from your boyfriend right now, so talk to him about your fears. I just don't think he really likes to hear about it. Does he tell you this or are you just assuming he doesn't?
Star Gazer Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I guess I'm just scared of losing my bf. I love him so much and I want to marry him someday (similar to how I felt about my ex bf when I discovered his emails). I suppose I'm scared that my bf will do something loserish that will make me have to break up with him. Then stop looking for reasons to!
Ariadne Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Hi, Like uniqueone said, I'm trying to figure out what kind of motivation I have for this snooping when he hasn't given me any reason to do so. You just want to know everything about him. That's not bad. Just tell him your that you went and looked at the emails. Hopefully he won't get mad and tell you instead, sure, go ahead, read all you want. Ariadne
Krytie TV Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I say no harm done and no reason to tell him, but you need to stop now. If you can't stop, you'll need to tell him.
dropdeadlegs Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I say no harm done and no reason to tell him, but you need to stop now. If you can't stop, you'll need to tell him. I agree. I'm having a hard time understanding why you are compelled to keep checking although I understand looking the first time to a much better degree. If I looked and found nothing that would make me feel better and I wouldn't feel any need to check again. Of course my first look would probably have been pretty thorough. I don't know what kind of account he uses, but if can check his email while at work, and was to login only to find that he is already logged in, he could suspect that you are snooping, and there would be some splaining to do then! Keep it up and you are almost guaranteed to get caught, so let that be your motivation to stop. I don't think you want him to confront you about this. Talking to him about your fears and past baggage is a good idea, and if you can't do that for any reason, I would say there are more problems than snooping in his email. You need to be able to talk to your BF about anything, even things that make both of you uncomfortable. Without communication, you've got nothing and the relationship is destined to fail. Stop snooping and start some healthy dialogue.
fray718 Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 if you feel guilty about this and you're scared you'll check it again cuz u know his email password now, then try subtely suggesting to him that he should change his email password....just say something like 'hey btw u know one of my friend's email got hacked into cuz she has the same password, its a good idea to change ur password every once in awhile u know'....or something like that.
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