niceguy27 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Thank you all for the advice and input on this. It's been a little over a month since we've called things off. I have spoken to her a couple times (first part of my thread) and have seen her twice I believe. Well, a couple days ago was her two week expiration for getting her stuff out. I txt her telling her I was taking her old stuff from the garage over to her moms. She of course called right away to setup a time to come over to get her newer things. She stops over and for the first time, I held my cool and kept myself calm and collected. I was amazed. She still had on a diamond ring I had got her a while back and slipped and called me honey at one point. Both things I blew off and didn't respond to. When she left, she only took her stethoscope and a pair of shoes. Amazing. And she made a comment about me moving a picture of us into the bedroom from the living room. Again, I didnt really give her a response to it. Throughout this time, I was informed by her mother that she has been hanging out with this guy lately from her work. Nothing serious but she admitted that she is "intrigued" by him. Total opposite of me in almost every way. Well, according to her mother, he apparantly told her he doesn't want her talking to other guys. You know, all the typical insecure, controlling things. I got a little happy upon hearing this as this is what she was wanting to do. "Do things on her own" as she put it. The last month has been very hard on me emotionally and physically. Only this past weekend I finally put my foot down and am now on a 30 day plan. I plan on getting my butt back in gear and getting in shape. 30 min. a day for 30 days. On top of that, no more txt or calling her about her stuff. If she wants it, she can come get it. By doing this I am trying to do away with the "needy" image that I probably had portrayed when we first broke up. And when I was trying to get her back I was not acting like the person she first met. I was pushing her away by being like that. So why not do something different. Go back to what I used to be like. So I have and will continue to do just that. Let her see it on her own. She wanted to make sure I was the one, well in my opinion having her experience stuff like that will reinforce the positive things that she found in me. And when/if she comes back, I know I will be a different person from when she left. Confident, positive, energetic, in shape, and best of all, still me deep down. Maybe thats all she needs. Just wanted to share. Sorry for such a long rant!
amaysngrace Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 It's strange how you feel like you lost a bit of yourself through all this and now you feel the need to get yourself back. A real relationship enhances who you are, not changes you into something you're not. Good for you!
Author niceguy27 Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I didn't really change who I was per se when I was with her. We both grew while together. I just meant that at the end, I allowed what she did to take control of me. Yeah, I lost myself for a bit. I was so focused on her her her, that it consumed me every day. And now, it's like a switch was flipped. After coming across this 30 day plan, I feel like I have something to look forward too. Now that I am committed to this, i think that it's keeping me focused on the end game. Once I am "back to normal" her and I will be able to approach this in a new light.
Hero2Zero Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Kudos to you Niceguy. You are doing the right thing here, it's important to improve yourself during this time, and takes steps to better YOU. If it is meant to be, it will happen again, and when/if it does, then you'll both be better for it. She just needs some time and space, which you're doing a good job of starting your 30 day plan, but like any diet, you have to stick to it to get the results you want. This will be a great time to talk to yourself, I did a lot of that over the past couple of months. And it really helped me see things objectively, and if you can see through all that and know that you still want to be with her, then you will both be rock solid when you get back together. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Whether it's alone or together is up to her, you just have to do your best for yourself. Hang tight and stay strong.
carrotgirl Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Yah, but the guy who said that bit was in love with his sister. I found myself reading this thinking, I'd like to be in as good shape as NiceGuy. Good job! Carrot
Author niceguy27 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Yah, but the guy who said that bit was in love with his sister. Ha ha. I like that one. I still have my moments every day when Im alone that I will break down a little bit. I think that the one thing that is keeping me going is that I finally have a plan in order to try to make this work. If I stick it out and follow through with it, it's a win win for me. She's had some time to herself, I'm not pushing her into anything, and most of all, I'm not going to come off as needing her in my life. So, over a period of a few of these "new" dates with her starting at the end of the month, what I'm hoping to accomplish is that we will start to hang out once more. There will be no pressure, no expectations, and a little bit of wondering on her part. And after doing this for a little while, we will be re-establishing ourselves with each other. Just letting things happen as they come. I pray everyday that I am doing the right thing. I am a believer in fate to a certain extent, but if you really want something you have to really go after it. Now Im starting to sound like those crazy motivational speaker for a pyramid scheme.
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 There will be no pressure, no expectations, and a little bit of wondering on her part. And after doing this for a little while, we will be re-establishing ourselves with each other. Just letting things happen as they come. While I applaud you for much of what you're saying about getting your life back, I do question this. When you deliberately bring insecurities into a relationship, it's doomed to failure.
Author niceguy27 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 I'm not real sure I see what your saying. I'm not being manipulative or anything, my point is that instead of sitting her right down and having a talk about everything, I am just going to let things pan out on their own. Her wondering about things means she will be expecting some big talk and re hashing things out. Thats what shes expecting me to do. If there are no pressures on her, things may work out. If after this month or so passes and things still are not getting back on track how I would like them to, I will no longer think I "need" her. That need will change to a desire. And if its doesnt work out, oh well. I will have had my time to get over her and better myself. If it does work out, it will be a fresh start.
CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover yet?
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 You can avoid the discussion or you can have an effective discussion. It's how well the two of you are motivated to make it work. If you're motivated, you will both make a conscious choice to not rehash. Define it at the beginning of the discussion and then the two of you can negotiate the ground rules for the relationship. Hoping things will work out, never works. You both have to agree what didn't work and work on fixing them and setting up new patterns for behaviour that would be satisfactory to both of you.
Author niceguy27 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Got ya. We have already had our long drawn out discussion about a month ago. Things ended on an ok note (see past threads). When/if the relationship comes up, its going to be her doing it, not myself. I totally agree with hoping. Hope doesnt cut it. If she wants to talk, I'll talk about it then. My point was to not have it be the main focal point of our meeting. Especially the first couple times. Its in her court now. Cali...No I haven't read it yet. I do have it on my list though on amazon.
CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Cali...No I haven't read it yet. I do have it on my list though on amazon. Highly recommend you make reading it a top priority. It will definitely help you to understand many things about how a "man's" nice behavior (read: door mat) kills attraction in a relationship and what to do about it.
Author niceguy27 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Thanks. I actually just ordered it a little while after mentioned that. Be here in a few days!
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