JNLVegas Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Okay this is kinda a spinoff from another one of my threads, but the question now is How much time do I give him to sort things out. He is going through a divorce a very ugly and public divorce. He has 2 kids ages 11 and 13 (they are taking it VERY hard) she is taking him to the cleaners (the house, car, retirement, savings, all of it) she does not know about me, they just had this divorce coming for a while. It just got too much, his health started to suffer because of all the stress and got high blood pressure. Work has not helped, he holds a high position at a police department and of course some people are jealous or mad when he reprimends and want to get even. He thinks she might have a PI on him, so he said he needed time. It has been a month and we have had minimal contact. I saw him for work purposes last thursday and he had lunch with our group. I think I overstepped and kept calling and texting him after that wanting to know where things stood. He did text me back telling me he would call me later "promise" of course he has not. It has been 2 days. Then I preceded to text him and tell him "out of all the enemies you have, you are your own worst enemy" I did not get a response. Then I felt bad for telling him that so I text him later that day to say " I am sorry if I was too hard on you, just frustrated" no response. Do you all think I messed things up by pushing him? Last time I saw him he did tell me it was hard for him and that he missed me. I am going crazy, cant even sleep anymore. He told me he loved me in July and we have taken some great vacations together. On Oct 13 it will be a year together.
passionateconfusion Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I think as much as you miss and want to be with him you have to respect that 'time' he has asked for. If he is stressed by what is going on with the divorce the more you text and call him it is going to annoy him. Men are funny like that. John Gray refers to it as the 'cave' or 'rubber band syndrome' just give him that space. Why not try just sending him an email letting him know you are there for him, validate you are supportive of him, and affirm your love for him. Tell him you don't need him to respond. Knowing you are there will help him to cope. I know that may sound like it is all about him but I am sure in the long wrong he will appreciate it. I went through this not long ago and it drove me nuts - I too couldn't sleep, cried all the time. What really helped me was recognizing that what he was going through is something he needs to do on his own without me being involved.
norajane Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Why don't you give him enough time for his divorce to be final? Surely you can see that you can't help him right now, and can only make things worse?
bonehead Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 How much time do you give him? As long as it takes you BOTH to do it right. As someone in close to your MMs position I can tell you it will do as much damage to his professional image to be involved with a married woman as it would to be involved with another woman while married.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 He is going through a divorce a very ugly and public divorce Because of this, as long as it takes. IF you two are meant to be, then you can wait longer. A year, maybe more... Seriously, I would move on for now - Tell him to get intouch with you when everything has settled down. Don't be a part of his daily life, remove yourself completely. LET HIM handle his divorce, his finances, deal with his kids...None of that is your business and it would be easier on him if you left him alone. The support you want to give him will only make him suffer more and possibly make things worse for him.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 How much time do you give him? As long as it takes you BOTH to do it right. As someone in close to your MMs position I can tell you it will do as much damage to his professional image to be involved with a married woman as it would to be involved with another woman while married. Agree with this 100%...
PoshPrincess Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I think I overstepped and kept calling and texting him after that wanting to know where things stood. He did text me back telling me he would call me later "promise" of course he has not. It has been 2 days. Then I preceded to text him and tell him "out of all the enemies you have, you are your own worst enemy" I did not get a response. Then I felt bad for telling him that so I text him later that day to say " I am sorry if I was too hard on you, just frustrated" no response. Do you all think I messed things up by pushing him? This is exactly how I was with my exMM and I DID end up pushing him away. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Give him time and hopefully when he is ready he will come back to you. Just send him a message telling him that you are there for him, you WILL be thinking of him but that you will leave him to contact you when he's ready.
Author JNLVegas Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Do you all think I might have already lost any chances their might have been? He told me at the beginning of this chaos, that no matter what " I Love you Always"....I keep holding on to that. He did tell me he wanted to do things the right way. He said he did not want his kids to hate him and if he could help it he did not want wife to hate him either. He said he wants to protect me too, (from Public finding out and people hating me). It just hurts so bad, I cry all the time. I had to take a week off work.
PoshPrincess Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Do you all think I might have already lost any chances their might have been? He told me at the beginning of this chaos, that no matter what " I Love you Always"....I keep holding on to that. He did tell me he wanted to do things the right way. He said he did not want his kids to hate him and if he could help it he did not want wife to hate him either. He said he wants to protect me too, (from Public finding out and people hating me). It just hurts so bad, I cry all the time. I had to take a week off work. Exactly the same as it was with me and my MM. I don't think you have necessarily stuffed up your chances yet, Vegas. Just let him know you'll be there for him and leave it at that. With me, I just went back on things too many times. I'd tell him I'd give him space but then wouldn't be able to cope without him and would end up contacting him again. I went backwards and forwards like this so many times I drove him insane. He had enough other complications to deal with, without me becoming a nightmare too. I say just make a decision and stick with it.
Author JNLVegas Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 What was your outcome Princess?
PoshPrincess Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 What was your outcome Princess? There was no good outcome for me but I definitely think it was because I became too pushy, too demanding. We had gone NC for him to sort his life out (whichever way that would be) but I just couldn't handle it. Then he stopped even telling me he loved me. For quite some time I knew he still did; he would refuse to tell me he didn't. My R with MM was more of an EA than anything else and one of the things he loved most about me was my strength of character. He had seen me leave the father of my son, find somewhere temporary to live, find myself a job and then a permanent home and cope with it all. I know I was also very different from his W. Not that there was anything wrong with her - just different. He loved my independence and my intelligence. Of course, after DDay I became a total wreck and he saw a side to me that he had never seen before. He couldn't cope with it at all and I knew then that it was pretty much over (he DID have a lot of problems with one of his kids which didn't help). Six months ago we were still friends (ie not really in touch much but would be friendly if we saw each other). I sent him a really nasty message one evening which I truly regret but I was hurting so badly. Needless to say, that was the final straw for him. I have never heard from him since (this was 3 months ago) and when he saw me in my local pub a month or so ago, he walked straight out. Maybe I did myself a favour because it's only now I can see there is no hope! Don't let this happen to you! Give your MM the space he needs. Even if it doesn't turn out in your favour at least you can walk away with some dignity, unlike me. That hurts me more than anything he's done to me! Lots of luck x
Mino Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 There was no good outcome for me but I definitely think it was because I became too pushy, too demanding. We had gone NC for him to sort his life out (whichever way that would be) but I just couldn't handle it. Then he stopped even telling me he loved me. For quite some time I knew he still did; he would refuse to tell me he didn't. My R with MM was more of an EA than anything else and one of the things he loved most about me was my strength of character. He had seen me leave the father of my son, find somewhere temporary to live, find myself a job and then a permanent home and cope with it all. I know I was also very different from his W. Not that there was anything wrong with her - just different. He loved my independence and my intelligence. Of course, after DDay I became a total wreck and he saw a side to me that he had never seen before. He couldn't cope with it at all and I knew then that it was pretty much over (he DID have a lot of problems with one of his kids which didn't help). Six months ago we were still friends (ie not really in touch much but would be friendly if we saw each other). I sent him a really nasty message one evening which I truly regret but I was hurting so badly. Needless to say, that was the final straw for him. I have never heard from him since (this was 3 months ago) and when he saw me in my local pub a month or so ago, he walked straight out. Maybe I did myself a favour because it's only now I can see there is no hope! Don't let this happen to you! Give your MM the space he needs. Even if it doesn't turn out in your favour at least you can walk away with some dignity, unlike me. That hurts me more than anything he's done to me! Lots of luck x Hi POSH , Please dont be so hard on yourself. I too am pretty strong and independent. I am also the opposite of my mmw. she is meek, dependent.... I too have crumbled to the point where I did not reconize myself. Coming across needy, having anzeity attacks, writing nasty emails....but I think maybe your mm was a just a coward. He made you crazy. then blames you , No Posh you are fine, he is the one who is at fault not you. He is the one who did not have the balls, dont take the blame here. we have many different sides to us, thats what makes us human, just because he activate this side in you, is no reason to run away. He ran because he did not have the balls himself. Sounds like you were the strong one and he was the weak on in R.
Author JNLVegas Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Sorry for your past pain posh. I have not sent any nasty emails or texts (just the one about him being his own worst enemy) but do you think that one was bad? We were supposed to go on a trip to LA in Jan. when should I bring that up. Dont know if its still on. It seems like now is not the right time. I hope I have not ruined any chances. I did not text him yesterday or today. I did send him an email yesterday telling him I understood and that I was sorry for stressing him into giving me an update. I also told him I would give him the time he needed. Should I wait for him to give me an update, or should I wait a while and email him to see how he is doing in a couple of weeks. ITS KILLING ME NC!!!!!
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 JNL, you need to keep busy and as much as it hurts you, just let him be. He'll contact you when he feels it's time. If you ask him questions about what is going on, or ask if the trip in January is still on, you may not like what he has to say. Use this time to have fun in YOUR life. Do some fun stuff with family and friends.
Author JNLVegas Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I Came across this on the internet, kinda helped me.... There's not enough said for time being a factor for love. Time can prove a lot of the elements needed for love--care and concern for the other, not being demanding of them, loyalty, continued friendship over time and distance, affection, understanding and acceptance of their faults and that they are not perfect. Saying you "love" someone is a lot easier than really loving them.
passionateconfusion Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Good for you for sending the email - now just believe in what you said - one day at a time. This is what has and is helping me: 'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.' 1 Corinthians 13
frannie Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Give him exactly as much space and time as he needs. Divorce can be extremely difficult and he has a lot of emotions to process. ALSO the more you can distance yourself from the actual process, the better the chances of future happiness... you don't want him blaming you for anything down the line. It is hard... but there are resources to help. There are other OW forums out there with boards for OW whose MM are divorcing (use google)... also there's a book out called Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce, which may also help. Best of luck and try to stay busy and positive!
PoshPrincess Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Thanks Mino & Vegas for your kind words! It IS good to know there are others out there who can see where I'm coming from. I AM ashamed of my behaviour but I am now trying to have more dignity. No, Vegas, I don't think your txt was in any way nasty. You were saying what you said because you care for MM, and he knows that. Re the trip in January, he will remember so I don't think you should bring it up. It may not happen but if you're giving him the space he needs then hopefully there will be many more enjoyable trips ahead for you both/ Hang in there! x
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