Quinch Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 For a while now I've been feeling that I'm not good enough for my friend. This friend has their own business, plenty of money and is getting married next year. They seem to have it all and are as happy as anyone can be. If they are at one end of the happiness scale then I am at the total opposite end. I have almost nothing going for me and, when I compare our lives, it makes me very depressed. It's not as if they're a bad friend because that is not true at all, but I can't help feeling they would be better off without me in their life. I don't know whether I should talk to them about it or just tell them we can't be friends any more. I don't think I can go on with things the way they are. I mightl stop being depressed and stop hurting but I will lose a true friend. What do I do?
underpants Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Just because you and your friend have different experiences why can you not be friends? Don't compare yourself to others percieved good fortune. That adds to bad feelings. I have several friends that probably have it more together then I do. For some reason they still like me okay. Others might not be as fortunate as I am but I don't disparage them for it. I simply like them and enjoy their company. Do you just feel like a loser when you hang out with them? Do they say or do things that make you feel like this or is it more ...in your head, by silently comparing and envying? If they are good people and good influences then I would not push them away. That could further isolate you and make those inadequate feelings grow. You might want to make a game plan to adjust some of the circumstances in your life that you are not happy with. Figure out what you want and address each in small ways to achieve small goals that will led to bigger fufillments. Small thought out steps to make improvements. Consistent small steps will send you leaps and bounds in time.
Author Quinch Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Thanks but I've thought about this for a long time and don't see much other choice. I've prepared a letter to send them which should explain everything but I'll wait a few days before I send it in case I feel differently then.
norajane Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I have a friend like you. He compared himself to me - to my external success - and couldn't understand why I was friends with him, why I bothered with him. It made me really sad, but also angry. Because after all the years we'd been friends, I couldn't believe he thought I was so superficial as to CARE about external successes when I considered my friendships. I didn't care what he did for a living or whether he owned a house or whether he had a lover or not! Why would any of that matter to me?! That's not what friendship is about! What I told him is that I loved him because he was a warm, caring person and a wonderful friend. He was there for me over the years to celebrate birthdays, to watch a marathon of Sopranos episodes and eat popcorn, to go out dancing at all the fun clubs, to go on road trips and not care when I sang terribly to the songs on the radio, to listen when I wanted to talk, to share his stories and make me laugh... Your friends don't care whether you are successful or not. Their lives wouldn't be better without you - how could you possibly make their lives better by walking away?? That's just you feeling sorry for yourself. I have almost nothing going for me and, when I compare our lives, it makes me very depressed. THIS is your real problem. You compare yourself to them and you become depressed about your own life. That's your problem with your own life, how you feel about your own life - that's not a problem they have with you. We all go through life on our own path. You can't compare yours to anyone else's. And you certainly shouldn't drop friends because you're feeling bad about your life.
amaysngrace Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 It sounds like their happiness is bringing you misery. That's not a true friend IMO. A true friend would be happy for their friend's good fortune, not resentful of it. In life there will always be some who have more than you and some that have less than you. There will be some who will be more than you and some that will be less than you. To compare yourself the way that you are is silly really. If I were you I'd accept that fact of life before it damages any more of your relationships.
Author Quinch Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 A true friend would be happy for their friend's good fortune, not resentful of it. I don't resent them at all because I know they've worked hard for everything they have and I don't want to drag them down to my level, I just wish I could elevate myself to somewhere nearer their level. You are right though, I am being silly. I'm sure my old depression has returned and its trying to get to me any way it can. My confidence and self-esteem defences are almost non-existant and its making me paranoid. I think I might have to go back to my therapist again.
underpants Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I don't resent them at all because I know they've worked hard for everything they have and I don't want to drag them down to my level, I just wish I could elevate myself to somewhere nearer their level. You are right though, I am being silly. I'm sure my old depression has returned and its trying to get to me any way it can. My confidence and self-esteem defences are almost non-existant and its making me paranoid. I think I might have to go back to my therapist again. Be good silly then, not bad silly. Silly can be fun. A visit with your therapist might be a good idea. I would say do that before you write off a friendship. There seems to be alot of slight depression going around. Maybe it is the change in season or something? You friends sound like good people by you own admission. Their marriage and changing schedules (incl future children) may make them less available. However, good friendships can last through all that. I have several friends that I seen on rare occasion and it is always good to catch up. As far as what YOU want out of life. Make an outline and get to work on it.
norajane Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I don't resent them at all because I know they've worked hard for everything they have and I don't want to drag them down to my level, I just wish I could elevate myself to somewhere nearer their level. You aren't dragging them down. They're you're friends because they like you, they care about you, you offer something they find valuable.
Magnatolia Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 You're not going to like what I have to say. I think it's pretty poor that you would break a friendship simply because they are better off than you. They wouldn't be much of a friend if they judged you on your life (but it doesn't sound like they do). You say that you have nothing going for you, yet you have a friend. I have some friends, but have trouble making decent friends. And the fact that you were going to do all this in a letter is pretty poor. I get that you are depressed, but perhaps you are feeling sorry for yourself. A lesson I've learnt in life is that friendship is one of the most important things a person can have. You can have a great job, nice house, nice car etc but they bring fake happiness whereas friends bring true happiness.
fadedgreenhoody Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Hello Quinch! I know how you feel, I think. I have been dealing with depression for years, and it still seems to come back again and again, no matter what you do. I'm having an ok evening... not feeling that bad, and in this moment, after reading your post, I reckon; 1. That your true friends know who you are over and above that, and they stick by you through it... in their own way (That's hard to explain - for me, but the gist of it is they stick there). 2. When you find a way out of depression, you find that it leaves you quicker when it comes back... I hope it eventually goes for good... 3. When you are out of it, you know somewhere inside you, what you have/ who you are, and you can enjoy your friendship in that/ those moments. 4. Think hard about walking away, cos good friends are really hard to come by, and it sounds like you think highly of this person, which means that a) you will only end up feeling even worse that you have lost a valued friend and b) you take away the opportunity to enjoy that friendship when you feel ok. 5. Maybe, you can talk to your friend not about them doing so well and you not, but more in the sense that you're struggling with where you are at the moment and feeling depressed. Maybe they can help you... with their support. 6. Maybe you could also give yourself a little space and time to find your feet on your own (don't isolate yourself... I know it's all you want to do when you feel like that, but, and this will probably not come as a surprise, it's the worst thing you can do when you're depressed), and figure out a path towards starting to feel better yourelf. If you really feel that you are depressed, you could possibly go see your doctor... they might be able to help with medication if you both agree that it will help. Also therapy might well also help... it's not something that can sort it out for you, but it is a support while you're therapist helps you to figure things out. You can find a therapist on the BACP website (I'm guessing you're in the UK cos of the flag). 7. I understand you don't resent them, and in fact you're happy for them, and I know you just feel down about yourself. If you're like me, you probably worry about being a bad person if you do resent them or feel jealous, but in your heart, you know that that's not who you are, you are just struggling in yourself, added to which, we all feel the way we feel, and there is nothing wrong with that. The question is what are you gonna do with how you feel. It's not easy, but you have to embrace all your feelings and figure out how to deal with them. Self help books might also...erm... help... Try Pulling your own Strings by Wayne Dyer, Conversations with God by neale Donald Walsch and Emotional Alchemy by Daniel Goleman... Also NLP is good to look into... Try Anthony Robbins (Forget all the show around him, his books are good). Myself, I've been single for ever, my self esteem and confidence is through the floor and depression keeps coming back (I know I sound ok right now, but that's how it goes sometimes... you feel like your drowning in the middle of the ocean one moment, and then all of a sudden, you'reon dry land, safe as houses and feeling ok). I am studying for something at the moment... distance learning, and although I get a few steps forward (in life) at times, I also drop back too, and lately I feel like life's going nowhere. The biggest thing in my life (that gets me down most) is being single... (it's been 13 years, and she was the only one... stupid thing is, deep down, I know I'm ok... (people say I'm good looking, with a nice smile, the say I'm a nice person, and they have a good time with me... but on the surface, I feel like I'm nothing to look at, boring, self centred and unattractive)... Anyway, a good friend of mine has just found himself a girlfriend (he's been single alll the time we've know each other) and he's started going out a lot, having fun, living life, and much as I am really happy for him, I cannot help but feel crap about where I am... So what can I do... well, I'm trying not to isolate myself too much, trying to spend time with thefamily rather than hide away and study in my room, and I'm ticking things along in the friendshipp... emails here and there, and I'm trying to lift myself up and remember the good things I know about me. Ok, so you've probably had enough of this post, but I'll leave by saying, good luck whichever way you go, and i'll mention a lovely line in a Crowded House song (It's only Natural)... Ok I'm paraphrasing and it's not about platonic friendships, but... You've seen me at my worst And it won't be the last time I'm down there... It's only natural that I should want to be there with you It's only natural that you should feel the same way too
Amiss Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 You can't stop being friends with someone because their life is going well.If you spoke to your friend,what would you want them to say? Afterall,they haven't done anything wrong and only you are responsible for your self esteem issues. You should concentrate on your life instead of looking for reasons to be down.Your friend would of 'dumped' you if they thought you were beneath them. Try to be positive and happy for your friend
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