What do I do with fiances ex-lover who is still his friend?

[sunnyphoenixgirl]

Okay, here is my story. My boyfriend has a long standing friendship - 10 years - with a female friend he works with. She recently changed departments, so they don't see each other every day anymore, but they are still in touch. In fact, they were pretty close friends - talking on the phone every day, meeting for lunch. I had a weird feeling about her but he swore they were just really good friends.

 

About a year into our relationship I found out that he had slept with her a few times early on when we first started dating. Apparently they have not been "just friends" - there was a period of time (before he met me) when they were really hot and heavy. They broke it off, but it started back up again while I was dating him and after we said that he and I were exclusive.

 

Oh - one more important fact - she is married. Her husband never knew any of this and to this day he doesn't know.

 

I forgave him this cheating and told him I could get over it and fully believing it. We went through a really rough patch getting past the hurt, the lies, etc - but we did make it through. We are now engaged and things are great - sort of. He continues to be friends with her, although just casual friends. So they talk on the phone occassionally and sometimes will have lunch with a group of mutual friends, stuff like that.

 

But every time I hear her name it makes me sick. I am trying to move past this and how in the heck can I do this if she is still in the picture? He swears up and down there is nothing sexual going on and I do believe him. This was 3 years ago now and our relationship has progressed from casual dating to engagement. But I can't help but want her out of his life permanently. Is this wrong of me? Am I a horrible person for asking him to give up a ten year friendship if there is nothing going on?

 

I hate that I told him I could live with this, and now I am discovering that I can't. I thought I was stronger, thought I was above it. But I guess deep down I relive the affair over and over every time he brings up her name. I told him all of this recently - I just couldn't keep my feelings hidden from him any more. If we are going to be married than I need to get real and get honest.

 

His response was that he understood my feelings...BUT he thought we were past this and now I am bringing it up AGAIN. He wants me to stop looking to the past and start looking to our future. He said he can reduce contact with her, but finds it hard to cut her off 100% as they still have many mutual friends and might run into each other at work functions, social get togethers, etc.

 

How do I fix this?? I am hurting so much over this! (P.S. Wedding is planned for March)

[TogetherForever]

sunnypg,

When in doubt, Don't!

Theres still a trust issue here as far as she is concerned.

I don't trust HER!

[whichwayisup]

Either you get to know this woman, and ALL of you become friends. You, him, her and her husband...

 

You also let him know that you think they're having an emotional affair. There is NO real reason for them to talk on the phone, get together and have lunch. They aren't a couple and by seeing eachother one on one, talking one on one IS a problem. I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy if you had a guy in your life in the same way.

 

You two need to talk and definately sort this out before you get married.

[sunnyphoenixgirl]

So we had a talk and I was completely honest and told him he needed to get her out of our lives for the betterment of our relationship and future marriage. He gave it some thought and then agreed. HOWEVER He does not want to approach her and tell her that I know. (She has no idea that I found out they were cheating together.) He has not called or spoken to her since. But it's not like she won't notice that he suddenly dropped out of her life. Eventually she is going to call him and ask him what's up. And then he is going to tell her that because of their past, and his present relationship (me) that he needs to let her go.

 

What do you all think? Do you think she will leave it at that?