Micke81 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 So, this is somewhat of a complicated opinion question. If you H (or W) does something that is really jerky, but when you call them out on it, agrees and apologies, does that automatically mean that you should let it go? I'm thinking about this hard right now. Here's my situation, but I'd like the posts to comment to the general scenerio as well, as I think it's an interesting question. Last night H and I were too tired to have sex, but we were both horny. In fact, we had been watching some porn in the other room. Since neither of us had the energy to "be on top" or the one putting out the most physical effort, sex was clearly not going to happen. H said, "I've got enough energy to masturbate, but not enough to do all the work with sex." Okay fine. So, I say, "Want to masturbate together?" He says, "I'd rather go into the other room and watch videos (porn)." This hurt my feelings for what I hope are obvious reasons. When I pointed it out to him he said, "I'm sorry. I was being a jerk." I do appreciate that he understands that was a jerky thing to say, and I did accept his apology. But it still bothers me that he would have that opinion in the first place. That he'd rather sit in front of the computer by himself than with me. He can't do anything but offer the apology, so does the apology mean I should just let it go? What type of offences is this appropriate and which ones are apologies inefficient? Obviously, in domestic violence apologies shouldn't be "enough" but what about the not so serious offences like mine? Where do you draw the line?
Touche Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Don't you and your H have a "lazy sex position?" Or is it just us. (HINT: You're both lying on your sides.) As to the question at hand: Every person has to decide for themselves where that line is drawn and what is out of your comfort zone. Pick your battles wisely in marriage though. If you don't, you BOTH stand to lose. You just have to ask yourself each time, "Is this worth it? Is it worth rocking the boat over?" Ask yourself what will be gained by it? He can't take it back after all. But he realized it was insensitive which tells me he's not likely to say that again. So what possible good would come of making an issue out of it? None that I can see. And that's my litmus test for all issues. I ask myself what the payoff is going to be if I make an issue of something. And guess what? I have found that MOST things are not worth that effort. Mostly, there's no payoff. In fact, just the opposite..you end up losing, more than you win. I hate to quote Dr. Phil but I really agree with this: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? You decide.
Trimmer Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 This raises an interesting distinction between the feeling/opinion he had (his preference to go into the other room), and the behavior he executed (telling you about it.) Does his apology cover just the behavior (I shouldn't have said that; it was jerky to say that to her...) or does the apology cover the feeling (I don't know why I felt that way, in the light of day, I realize of course, I would rather have shared intimacy with her than to go be alone...) I don't know if I have a good answer for you yet, but I just wanted to point out a possible difference between apologizing for your actions, and apologizing for an attitude or feeling that you have reconsidered and realize "wasn't really you..." This also points up a possible source of misunderstanding. If what he said was "I was being a jerk", you might have heard "I was being a jerk to say that," and you are still concerned that he felt that way. Is is possible that he was actually saying "I was being a jerk, that's not really how I feel," and if so, would that make you feel any better? The other thing I would say, is that you may be building it up bigger than it really is... You say: But it still bothers me ... That he'd rather sit in front of the computer by himself than with me. Look, you already admitted you were horny, but both too tired to put the work into having sex together (honestly, as a guy, I can't imagine that, but I'll take it at face value ) at that point, I wouldn't assume that whatever gets blurted out at that moment is descriptive of your entire relationship, but your statement above sounds like you are on the verge of generalizing it too broadly. This conversation only described that moment in time, when neither of you were able or willing to put the energy into a fully joint encounter - let the repercussions of that conversation only inform that moment in time, and don't generalize it too broadly. Now, having said that, how is the rest of your relationship? He's obviously willing to consider your feelings and apologize in cases like this; is he generally a considerate partner and lover? And even given my comments above, I don't know if I would ever pick a video screen over a live partner right in front of me... Is the porn something you both enjoy, or is it more driven by one or the other of you? So to summarize: did you end up feeling like he was apologizing for his attitude, or just for having stated it?
quankanne Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 You just have to ask yourself each time, "Is this worth it? Is it worth rocking the boat over?" or, "will this really matter in five years?" Because you might be miffed now by his behavior, but in the larger scheme of things, it's like being bothered by a mosquito while there's a tornado filing toward your home ... some things just need to be accepted at face value. For a man to admit that he was being a jerk by saying something like what he did shows a certain level of sensitivity and awareness, and that's to be commended. and honestly, if you two were in agreement to watch porn in the first place, what on earth is so offensive about him wanting to finish his movie? It's obviously a part of y'alls lovemaking, so he doesn't see it as something he's withholding from you by furtively watching the stuff. My guess is that even if he's only got the energy to choke the chicken, he's still going to need visual stimulation, and the film was doing a good job anyway ...
Author Micke81 Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 You just have to ask yourself each time, "Is this worth it? Is it worth rocking the boat over?" I know. I'm not a boat rocker in general. Like I said, I did accept his apology, and I haven't mentioned it again. I'm just having a problem shaking it. I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship where my bf would do things for the sole reason that he knew it would hurt me. The good thing about that is that now I am usually very good about letting things go. I always ask myself if hurting me or my feelings was intentional, and if it's not (which it never has been with H) it's usually very easy to let things go. I think Trimmer is on to something with: Does his apology cover just the behavior (I shouldn't have said that; it was jerky to say that to her...) or does the apology cover the feeling (I don't know why I felt that way, in the light of day, I realize of course, I would rather have shared intimacy with her than to go be alone...) He did just say, "I was being a jerk". But I guess I'm in shock because I've been with my H for over 7 years, and he is soooo NOT a jerk, and this is the first time he's ever turned down intimacy with me for "alone time". I wouldn't even say I'm mad at him...but the fact that he felt that way is what hurts my feelings...not so much that he chose to express that to me. And you can't always help how you feel, so I'm not mad at him, just surprised and confused about how I feel. I can't really put my finger on why I'm struggling with this, but I do agree that I should let it go. He didn't mean anything by it, he certainly wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, and he didn't get out of bed to go watch porn.
Tomcat33 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Well you were watching porn together, the only reason he got horny was because of what he saw on tv. Is it really a big surprise that he wanted to continue to enjoy the imagery and please himself while he was at it? It amazes me so many women that complain about their men getting hornier over porn than they do their own partenrs, but they sit there and watch the films with them anyway...So what do you expect?
Moose Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I hate to quote Dr. Phil but I really agree with this: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?Sorry to correct you on this.....but "Dr." Phil got this quote from me 3 years ago......I knew I should've gotten a trademark on it....
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Last night H and I were too tired to have sex, but we were both horny. In fact, we had been watching some porn in the other room. Since neither of us had the energy to "be on top" or the one putting out the most physical effort, sex was clearly not going to happen. H said, "I've got enough energy to masturbate, but not enough to do all the work with sex." Okay fine. So, I say, "Want to masturbate together?" He says, "I'd rather go into the other room and watch videos (porn)." This hurt my feelings for what I hope are obvious reasons. When I pointed it out to him he said, "I'm sorry. I was being a jerk." Hate to say it, but I think under the circumstances, this hornyness wasn't going to ever turn into an intimate and affectionate love making session. This was being turned on by porn...So, you two were too tired to have sex, so masterbation came into play. Still on the sexual lines here - You should have just enjoyed the room to yourself, pleased yourself and gone to sleep. I know he hurt your feelings by choosing to jerk off the porn and not 'with' you - But atleast he was honest. If you two are gonna do the porn thing, then set up some rules or loosen up abit. Otherwise it will ruin your sex life, make you feel bad about you and possibly lead to other issues in your marriage.
amaysngrace Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I know he hurt your feelings by choosing to jerk off the porn and not 'with' you - But atleast he was honest. If you two are gonna do the porn thing, then set up some rules or loosen up abit. Otherwise it will ruin your sex life, make you feel bad about you and possibly lead to other issues in your marriage. I agree with WWIU. Maybe one rule could be "no porn if we're too tired for sex".
Touche Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Sorry to correct you on this.....but "Dr." Phil got this quote from me 3 years ago......I knew I should've gotten a trademark on it.... Ha ha! Why does that not surprise me Moose? Ok, I stand corrected. From now I'll say "I hate to quote Moose but it's like Moose says..etc. etc.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I can't really put my finger on why I'm struggling with this, but I do agree that I should let it go. He didn't mean anything by it, he certainly wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, and he didn't get out of bed to go watch porn. He made a mistake, realized it, acknowledged he was at fault and apologized. Also, by your own admission, it was out of character for him. From my standpoint, that earns him a pass. You're on the right track to let it go... Mr. Lucky
LoveLace Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Now that he knows how you feel about it, I would think he'll know better than to say that from now on. In this case letting go is appropriate. But I think it would bother me, too. What about masturbating together while watching porn? If that sounds ok to you, then maybe it's a good compromise next time your both too tired for sex. Sometimes men prefer other kinds of visual stimulation when it comes to getting themselves off -- I understand your feelings but it's probably nothing you should take too personally.
Author Micke81 Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Yeah, I think if he said, "Let's grab the laptop and watch porn while WE masturbate", I'd have been all for it. It was the exlusionary tone of his statement that bothered me. But...we had some good sex yesterday, and I am over it!
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 But...we had some good sex yesterday, and I am over it! Funny how those two things can go hand-in-hand ... Mr. Lucky
LoveLace Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Yeah, I think if he said, "Let's grab the laptop and watch porn while WE masturbate", I'd have been all for it. It was the exlusionary tone of his statement that bothered me. But...we had some good sex yesterday, and I am over it! Nice...ah well, now you have an idea for next time the situation arises! (no pun intended)
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