trulysomething Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I will try and keep this story short and to the point... I met my boyfriend (now ex) last October. We hit it off and everything was lovely. We live about 45 minutes away. (I am from another country and am here for school..I am 33, he's 32) We met randomly at a school party and have never bumped into each other at school before. He is ridiculously shy and has only ever dated 1 other person before (3 years prior - she lived in another country and they had not seen each other in 2 years) Our dating was lovely and very comfortable from the start. Perhaps too comfortable. He had had panic attacks and we had to adjust to so many new transitions in a short time. I stuck by him and cared for him while he was stressed about his life and his health. While he was dealing with his panic attacks, he took medication that affected his libido. I was fine wih that and knew that in the long run, he was definitely worth it. He would cry at night and talk about how glad he was to have me in his life and how good we were. Fast forward to spring...things were still lovely and comfortable, still no sex, but we did have intimacy. He stayed with me about 3-4 days every week. It was around then that I discovered he was still involved with his ex. They would call each other and talk for hours, send each other gifts and cards..promising that they would see each other soon (and yet, it had been 2 years and he had been lying about his entire life - me/job/school to her) It truly was a fantasy relationship between them. I was devastated. I associated his lack of sexual drive with me to wanting to be with her (he still had no libido or drive..even with himself), I associated all of our problems to be linked to her. He told me that he was never going to go and see her and she was never going to come back for him. He said he considered himself to be single when we met and that she was horrible to him, but that she was his first love. We had made plans to go to my country for the summer (living in my small bedroom for 3 months). I wanted him to travel (something else he had never done for financial and anxiety issues) and had hoped that with her farther away, things would get better. At the last minute (literally) he thought he shouldn't go. I convinced him to go. We had a great summer, he stopped contact with her and although it was tough living in such a small space with each other, we enjoyed it. We came home again and I suspected he was back talking with her.(This was within 2 days of being back) I had a big blowout on the phone and told him that he needed to end it with her or me and that this was ridiculous. I pretty much said everything I wanted to say..and cried more than I ever thought I would. I told him that I didn't want to hear from him til he made a decision. He said he would. I had invited him to come in the following week. The week came and went. He called and said that he wanted some space. I asked him if he wanted to date other people..he laughed and said no, he just wanted to get back into his routine. I thought that was fair and had no contact with him (unless he called, etc. Because of our past and his anxiety, I didn't want to go completely cold turkey) as that's what he had asked. About 2 weeks in, he called me and said "I think we should just be friends. I don't want to lose you, but I don't really feel anything." I was shocked and just said.."thanks for being honest." He called me everyday since..he came in and took me out on a proper date (we did kiss and hold hands) and he cried about how he was making a mistake and didn't know what to do and that he hated himself and didn't want to lose me. All I said was.."we can get back together..but it needs to work for both of us, not just you. There are things that I need that I haven't been getting and I have not been happy in this relationship for a while." He did not have much to say. He's been calling everyday since and it has been friendly, even bordering on dating. As ridiculous as this sounds..I do have good days AND very bad days. I'm back in a country that I enjoy, but all my memories have him in them. I thought he was potentially "the one"..and I'm devastated to think that it might all be gone. Part of me thinks I am insane to want him back, but I miss his companionship, his cuddles and his bad sense of humour. He made me feel good about myself and more at ease than I have ever felt with anyone. How do I go about maintaining some sort of normalcy? I want him back,but is it far too late?
Spinderella Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I dont know, it all sounds very complex. He should know by now what he wants, I really think thats true. Its best to take some time away from him until he really knows what he wants to do.
rocketpixie Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 "I think we should just be friends. I don't want to lose you, but I don't really feel anything."I'm sorry, but if someone tells you who they are, believe them. Would it be okay for you to be in a relationship with someone who felt this way? Is he still talking to his ex? I would be really careful. If you have any questions at all about if he wants to date you, the answer is probably no. It sounds like he's going through some things and he might just need you as a friend. Not a friend that's interested in him as more than one, but just a friend. And as long as you're still wrapped up in him, you won't be able to move on (much like him and his ex while he was dating you). My two cents. Take a little bit of focus off of him as "the one" and start looking for other people. He might come around when he sees that you're not waiting in the wings for him. And if he decides you're the love of his life, great. If he doesn't, you'll have started pursuing other people and it won't make his decision the end or beginning of your world. Give it time...you and your heart and future are worth the time to find someone really special just for you!
Author trulysomething Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 I do believe him. He has a lot of issues in his life (which I doubt he'll ever really fix). He really needs friends (which he also lacks in his life) and I so do want to be his friend. But yes, I definitely need to busy myself with others and take some for me too. He's been talking about getting back together to go out again and I want to, but I definitely need to draw the line in order to be a good friend and ..what do you know..he just called to ask me to do something this weekend and have a quick chat. *sigh* I am messed up, but will manage. We always seem to in the long run. I am trying not to drive my flatmates crazy with my constant moaning about it all, so I definitely appreciate this board. Thanks!
Author trulysomething Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 We've spoken every night on the phone and it's been rough. But I've stuck to being the one to say goodbye, etc. I went out tonight with someone else. Not really a date, but a meet up. He knew I was going out. He's coming in to visit me tomorrow and we're planning on going out to the movies and coffee. It's bizarre. We had a talk last night and he said that this was the best decision for him at the moment and I was getting upset, but agreed that it was probably for the best. I'm sad and lonely far away from my family and friends. I'm even worrying about Christmas which seems silly. But I suppose it's just a day that I can spend doing what I want to do. *sigh* I know he'll probably invite me to have Christmas with his family.. I even spoke to his mom the other day who wants to go out for lunch with me sometime. *ack* I feel like I'm floating out in space, waiting, hoping, and moving on, but still tied to the past. I do love him and want to be his friend..we are like best friends, so this breakup has been really tough. Especially because he wants to be friends so quickly...and I can't say no because I want it too.
Recommended Posts