I really must be the stupidist person alive!!

[lonelybird]

Everyone at some time has hope for things that will never pan out because hope is what keeps us alive.

yes, hope is what keeps us alive, but if put hope on wrong place, it is a terrible thing.

 

could it possible that because of this 'unavailableness of MM' made some to think IF IF IF I can be with him, I would be happy? but in reality this IF make some to suffer, paid great price, but nothing return

 

in fact, no man or any man in the planet can 100% fulfill a woman's heart, only God can do that, maybe people just seek that fulfillment in a very wrong place, and get frustrated again and again, and wondering why she cannot find that fulfillment of heart. if we fulfilled the hunger of love or heart 98% before finding a man, then we have more chance to have a healthy relationship with a man

[Tomcat33]

Someone having an affair with a married person and who continues to stick around to wait for a married person who says he isn't leaving in hopes that they will leave DOES have self esteem issues. Man or woman. Doesn't matter. Self esteem issues are not gender orienated.

 

 

I agree and that is the minority. The majority of OP that stick around even if the person does not get the D is because they are given hope that a D is comming. So if that is what you are being told and shown you stick around in the hopes it is true. In time people find out it was not true and they take apropriate messures. For the most part when a person is told "I am not going to leave my W/H" the A ends. I think it is a gross overstatement to say most people stick around getting crumbs when they are told flat out "it's is DEF 100% done".

 

 

could it possible that because of this 'unavailableness of MM' made some to think IF IF IF I can be with him, I would be happy? but in reality this IF make some to suffer, paid great price, but nothing return

 

 

Lonelybird: well yes and no. I see what you are saying but it is only natural that a person in love with another engaged in a rel is going to want that rel to progress, wanting more or "all" is only natural. Most people want progression in a rel not stagnation.

And yes the reality is that the waiting is want breaks people down, it creates a lot of suffering and pain the not knowing and the waiting for things to come. But at that point you are so vested in the situation you can't help but change it, this is where hope plays a big part.

 

It is no different than dating a person to see if the rel will progress to more, some people are slower than others to fully commit and some people wait around for the commitment, while others get tired and work at a faster pase and leave. this is not all that different in theory, in practice and the technicalities are more complex for obvious reasons.

[liddie]

To clear the issue of protection up...yes I am on the shot and have been for awhile. When I said that if you play with fire you are going to get burned what I meant was the only sure fire way to guaranty that the OW doesn't get pregnant is to not have sex at all! We all know, or atleast I know, several ppl who have gotten pregnant on the pill, shot, IUD and with a condom.

 

It baffles my mind to read the responses on this thread. Some of you are acutally OP and some of you are obviously the BW. As much as I value the advice from both sides, I think the OP can agree that we don't come on this particular site to get beaten up and degraded by BW who for whatever reason were cheated on by their spouses.

 

I have said this before and I will say it again...if you could control who you fell in love with there would be no OP now would there?

 

Alot of what our problem is like someone said it is the hope and expectations that make these relationships so hard. I found myself expecting way too much from my MM. To be fair to him he has never made any promises to me one way or the other. I just got wishing and hoping which is a natural thing to do in a relationship.

 

He is on his way out west and he called me this morning, and no doubt will call me quite abit while he is gone and within cell service. We did agree that we both have alot to think about and that is exactly what we are going to do.

[Touche]

To clear the issue of protection up...yes I am on the shot and have been for awhile. When I said that if you play with fire you are going to get burned what I meant was the only sure fire way to guaranty that the OW doesn't get pregnant is to not have sex at all! We all know, or atleast I know, several ppl who have gotten pregnant on the pill, shot, IUD and with a condom.

 

It baffles my mind to read the responses on this thread. Some of you are acutally OP and some of you are obviously the BW. As much as I value the advice from both sides, I think the OP can agree that we don't come on this particular site to get beaten up and degraded by BW who for whatever reason were cheated on by their spouses.

 

I have said this before and I will say it again...if you could control who you fell in love with there would be no OP now would there?

Alot of what our problem is like someone said it is the hope and expectations that make these relationships so hard. I found myself expecting way too much from my MM. To be fair to him he has never made any promises to me one way or the other. I just got wishing and hoping which is a natural thing to do in a relationship.

 

He is on his way out west and he called me this morning, and no doubt will call me quite abit while he is gone and within cell service. We did agree that we both have alot to think about and that is exactly what we are going to do.

 

I just wanted to address the bolded part above. What many of you fail to understand is that you CAN control who you fall in love with. You chose not to. It's that simple. Did you know he was married when you met him? If so, then it was your CHOICE to walk away and tell him to call you when he's free.

 

If you didn't know he was married, that's another matter. But at the point that you found out, you had the CHOICE to walk away.

 

Oh and by the way, I've never been cheated on. Never. I guess I'm passionate about this topic because when I was single I had married men come on to me. Some very attractive ones at that. But I said NO. Can you believe that?

 

And why are you so convinced that he will call you a lot once he's gone? Isn't he trying to end this with you?

[Tomcat33]

I guess I'm passionate about this topic because when I was single I had married men come on to me. Some very attractive ones at that. But I said NO. Can you believe that?

 

 

 

It's one thing to have a married man come to someone, it is anohter to be engaged emotionally with someone. EVERY woman has had a married man come on to them, do you really think you are THAT special that this has only happened to you? Quite frankly married men who wanna pick up are not ALL that selective, sex is what they want so anyone will do.

 

It's not about saying NO to married men coming on to you. A lot of affairs don't start with "hey baby wanna come back to my place, I just live over there...?" as he points in a direction showing off his marriage finger with a ring. Yet another oversimplistic view of how some As start.

 

maybe read how some of these stories start, it was not a knee jerk reaction, in a knee jerk reaction we are ALL capable of saying no. A lot of times these frienships start in an innocuous manner, could be through work or partnerships though a special interest and then before you know it you start developing feelings. Of course one could always say no at the point of hopping in the sack but realistically as long as the emotional tie is already set, the jumping in the sack is a technicality. The long hours spent getting into each other's heads is a FULL fledged affair. Sex is a fornality the emotional investment is beyond return and exactly why people do crazy things as they start As.

 

And if you were refering to being able to say no once you have invested yourself in a married man emotionally, then you took it one step to far as well, you are NO better than us who took it all the way. As I said sex is a formality the emotional investment is already crossing the line.

[Touche]

Sorry but you didn't debunk anything. And furthermore, taking it to the physical level IS crossing the line in my book. It's not the same thing at all as the emotional. So we don't agree there. Of course long hours getting into each others' heads, as you say is not quite appropriate and should not be allowed to happen. But one CAN, of one so chooses, stop that before it really crosses a line into the physical.

 

And sorry but it IS about saying no. If you know that most of them want only sex then, why go further with it?

 

And what's this nonsense about "sex is a formality and the emotional investment is beyond return?" What bunk! Beyond return? Is someone holding a gun to your head? Have you no free will? (And I don't mean 'you' specifically...general you.)

 

Oh and yeah (to answer your question)..I DO think I'm special since I never gave in to one of these married men. I'm proud of that.

[liddie]

I think that Touche needs to remind herself that this thread is here for support from people who have been the OP not for ppl who have no clue what it is like to be in our shoes.

 

Tom Cat - I agree wholeheartedly with what you said. Sex is an added bonus in any relationship and the emotional connection is what makes you fall in love and stay in love.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is Liddie, what do you plan on doing while he's away? Do you want things to continue between you two? Do you want to stay the OW long term? Do you want to detach yourself, use this time for yourself so you can push him out of your head?

[stillafool]

[quote=liddie;1334544 It baffles my mind to read the responses on this thread. Some of you are acutally OP and some of you are obviously the BW. As much as I value the advice from both sides, I think the OP can agree that we don't come on this particular site to get beaten up and degraded by BW who for whatever reason were cheated on by their spouses.

 

I didn't read where anyone's comments were beating you up. Everyone seems to be giving you good, sound advice. It may not be what you want to hear but no one is beating you up. They are trying to open your eyes to a hopeless situation. I am not a OP or a BW. When you log on to this site you will get all opinions. And my opinion about him saying he will be away for a month and no cell contact is him trying more to break a way from you and give you a chance to move on. Perhaps he thinks things will calm down with you after 30 days and no contact. I guarantee he will find a way to contact his wife during those 30 days he's a way. So he could contact you if he wanted to. I don't know your age but please don't waste your good years running after a mirage. There are some great men out there and you could have something real to hold on to. The man you love belongs to someone else and he knows this. It's time for you to wise up.

 

I have said this before and I will say it again...if you could control who you fell in love with there would be no OP now would there?

 

A lot of people are attracted to married persons. Some find instant chemistry with others spouses. You have to set boundaries in all things and you certainly can stop yourself from getting emotionally and sexually involved with someone else's spouse. It is a choice.

[Touche]

Stillafool. You're NO fool. EXCELLENT post. I don't even have anything to add in response to the previous posts. You said it all and said it very well.

[liddie]

Stillafool - I agree that you are subjecting yourself to all sort of responses and suggestions from various people. I personally don't offer advice to someone unless I have been in their shoes and I actually know what they are going thru. That is just my philosophy and everyone is different.

 

We redefined our relationship before he left and for the time being both of us are happy with the way things are. I am not going to "read" anything into it and get my hopes up. As true in any R you need to stay on solid ground and not let your head get in the clouds. We are just going to take it one day at a time.

 

As far as him not being able to contact me...I said that there will be times when he won't have service at all. He will call me and I will call him just as he will call his wife and kids and they will call him.

 

I am not a person with low self esteem or one who things poorly of myself as many of you have suggested in your posts.

 

It may not sound like it but I do value your opinions and what you all have to share!!

[TogetherForever]

liddie,

Let us know what happens when mm gets home.

TF