The Infamous Getting the Stuff Back

[jaelynne52]

I have the traditional problem of getting my stuff back from my ex, but with a twist. We have a lot of pictures, and not just of us together, but of our friends and vacations that we took, and even of my cat, and all of them are digital and stored on his computers. When I told him that I was no longer going to be contacting him, I asked that he copy all the pictures to a CD and let me know once he's done that, and that then I would stop by his house while he was at work and do the exchange of things.

 

He said he was fine with this scenario, and said that he would shoot me an email once he had everything taken care of. (We parted on good terms, as good as they could be considering...) I have no reason to suspect that he has no intention of actually doing this. He is very honorable, and it isn't in his character to hold a grudge or not complete a favor.

 

It's been two weeks now since I went NC, and I still haven't heard from him about exchanging belongings. I knew that it would be complicated for him to organize all the pics and make CDs for me, but I thought I would have heard from him by now. I don't want to break NC to ask if he's still working on this for me, because it's been so hard to resist writing or calling him already, but it's driving me crazy not having this resolved. I feel like I'm never going to fully start healing myself so long as I have this hanging over my head.

 

So my question: should I break NC to ask how things are going with the CD? Should I give him a little more time, and see if he gets to me later? I really don't want to give up on getting those pictures from him, because I know that I'll regret it later down the road. The best plan I've come up with so far is giving him another week, and then shooting him an email asking what's up. Does this sound like a good plan?

 

Please, any advice would be welcome!! Thanks a lot!

[Spinderella]

I can see what you mean about getting in touch sooner rather than later so that you can get over him without thinking that you will be seeing him again. He could just post the CD to you though so you dont have to see him in person. It depends on how you feel. If you are still harbouring any hope of getting back together, then either do it now while you are still hurting so that you can put it all behind you quicker, or decide to not do it for another few months.

[VIP]

I think if you stay NC, he will not have any motivation to do anything for you.

[ijustwannago]

i'm in a similar spot. but the last contact we had i told him that i really wanted those photos(on his puter too like yours). I'm just going to give this LOTS and LOTSA time because;

 

1) i like him wondering how i'm doing and if i'm ok (not to say that he is, but in my pea sized brain TODAY that's what I've DECIEDED he does every morning)

 

2) do i really want access to all the great photos of us having amazing times together. yes at some point i do, but right now? hmmm that's only going to set me back.

 

3) i'm just gaining serious control over my emotions, i feel a little stronger today i think i need to protect that and my heart.

 

 

I'd wait, and you know my reasons. please remind me when did you breakup?

[jaelynne52]

I agree with all your points, and is one of the reasons I'm questioning this so much. I'm sure he's avoiding going through them for the very reasons you mention, that in order to sort he's going to have to look at all those moments we've had together. I know it's got to be hard for him...

 

And I'm like you, in that I'm just starting to feel like I'm moving on, a little. (Notice all of the insecurity in that statement...) I'm just beginning to have thoughts like maybe this wasn't an entirely bad break up, I've discovered so much about myself, and found things I haven't seen inside myself in a VERY long time.

 

He knows how badly I want them, so I don't have any fears of NOT getting them. He's not the kind of guy to play games like that, to say one thing and do another. I just don't like the feeling of nervousness I get every time I sign into my email, wondering if he's written me or not. I want to get it out of the way and move on.

 

And I've been single now for almost two months, after a two year relationship and a 10 year crush.

[ijustwannago]

ha my ex an your ex should date i think they are looking for eachother... funny you nearly described my ****uation...lol

 

 

That being said....

 

"I'm just beginning to have thoughts like maybe this wasn't an entirely bad break up, I've discovered so much about myself, and found things I haven't seen inside myself in a VERY long time."

 

Good for you...I'm right behind you!!!

[niceguy27]

What about her leaving her stuff at my house? It's been a month now and she just wont get it all out. She lives with a bunch of other roomates and doesnt have room for all her stuff. I have it all in the spare bedroom ready for her to come get it. But the last two times shes come over to get it, she kind of freaks out about it and doesnt take anything. In the meantime, I see shes still wearing my ring I got for her and hasnt updated anything on her sites.

 

SHould I just pack it up myself and do something with it? Take it to her mom or dads house?

[jaelynne52]

That's a really good question. I still have some of his stuff sitting around my house, and because I'm waiting for him to contact me about the exchange, it's still just sitting there.

 

Maybe you should give her one last chance, if you are still on speaking terms with her, and tell her that you don't want it in your house anymore, and if she doesn't take it with her you're going to take it to her parents' and leave it there.

 

I really dislike dealing with the physical evidence of the end of my relationship. It depresses me more than all the conversations!! I just want it gone so I can move on, and hopefully start forgetting about him.

[Chiquita27]

I think having his things sitting around would actually bother me because they would remind me of him. I say you wait a week and if you don't hear from him you send him an email asking for the CD and letting him know you will drop off his stuff.

 

I would avoid seeing him......but that's because I know I'm a bit weak and who knows what I would feel when seeing him...or it would really bother me to see him.

[ijustwannago]

I put the few things of his that i have in a box. I'm going to mail it. no note, no card nothing... I think I pushed myself to let go as fast as possible so i did somethings a little too soon for my heart. I put the box in my closet and haven't sealed it yet just in case I come across anything else of his I don't wanna do it twice. I'm planning on mailing it off on Monday.

 

But in the case of he/she Still leaving things at your place. yeah I'd take it to his/her parents house. But be sure to call them first. and I'd send an email to the effect of what and when you are going to drop their things. I'd pack them too it should help you move onward and upward.

[jaelynne52]

Okay, so I'm having a whole new problem now. I've been NC two weeks now, and I think it's wearing on my ex. I hung out with two of our mutual friends last night, and they both told me that he wants to talk to me. Hearing this made me really angry, and I know that talking to him right now would not be good for me, not now.

 

I'm getting the feeling that now that I'm not there for him to turn to, he's starting to miss me and get depressed about everything that happened. As I've said in past posts, when I told him I was going NC, I tried to get him to open up to me and tell me what he was feeling, and he either couldn't or wouldn't do it. I feel like he shuts himself off from how he feels, and now that I've been gone for a while it's harder for him to avoid it. He wants to work through all this with me, I think, and honestly I don't know if I want to go through it all over again. I'm just starting to let it go, and move on.

 

My only problem is that I still love him. I don't know for sure what he wants to talk about, and if he actually has something constructive to say, then I'd be willing to listen. I just don't want to rehash the same old excuses he's already told me just so that he can feel better again about why all of this had to happen. I've already heard them, they hurt my heart, and I don't want to hear them again.

 

I'm tempted to send him an email explaining this to him, but even that feels like I'm giving into him. I don't want my emotions to be played with at his every whim. I had to come to my conclusions by myself because he wouldn't be there for me, and now that he is hurting he wants me to be there for him and I don't see that as being fair. God, the guilt!! I should be the bigger and better person, having gone through what he did to me I shouldn't wish that on someone else, but I can't help it. I'm just so angry!!

 

What should I do? Right now my friends have told him that it would be better to give me more time before he tries to contact me, so I have some leeway to think this over. Should I tell him again that I'm done, I don't want to hear his excuses again? I definitely do NOT want to see or hear him, because it hurts me too much, but I might be up to reading an email...Should I let him know that? I need to cool down and center myself before I can do anything, but in the mean time, any help would be appreciated...

[Chiquita27]

I totally understand how you feel. I think hearing or seeing your guy might be a bit painful right now. I feel the same way about mine. I had contact with him through email and instant messanger. And although it was still a bit difficult to deal with, it was better than talking on the phone or in person. Email gives you more time to think about what you want to say..and maybe it's a better way to express what you are feeling or thinking. Plus, like that they don't get to see if you are getting upset if that's a concern for you.

 

I only say this in case you decide to contact him. I don't think you have to, but if you ultimately decide to, that would be a better way.

 

My humble opinion....

 

Hope you are doing well today

[jaelynne52]

Thanks Chiquita!

 

I'm really angry that this has been placed on me again. I feel like I'm being manipulated, even if it is unintentional. I was just starting to feel strong again, feel like my own person, and now I have this decision hanging over my head. And what's worse is I don't think he has anything new to say, it's just guilt for how things ended the last time we talked. I don't need that right now.

 

If I do have any contact with him, it's definitely going to start out in email. I can't even think of hearing his voice or seeing him right now. The idea of it makes my tummy do somersaults. I just can't decide if I should wait for him to contact me, and see what he has to say, or if I should start off by letting him know I'm not happy about this.

 

It's so hard because I don't hate him. I want him to be happy, so I want to do whatever I can to help him, but I don't want to sacrifice my own happiness in the process. I understand how much it sucks to not know what the other person is thinking and feeling, because that is what I was going through during the entire breakup. Do I really want to put him through that same mess? I want to be the bigger person...

 

How are you today? Staying strong??

[Chiquita27]

Hmmm...I'm just thinking....If he's the one that wants to talk about stuff, why can't he contact you?

Because he wants to resolve his issues first?.....I'm just assuming here.

 

I don't know if it would do any good to any of you to talk at this moment.

 

The whole feeling manipulated issue...I have felt the same...specially when my guy contacts me when he's having one of his low moments... I feel like he only looks for me when he's down...but when he's ok I get pushed away.

 

You have to be careful with that.

 

I'm holding ok I suppose......I'm trying to hang out with friends and be as busy as possible. The only thing is when I'm driving home by myself and feel lonely I start thinking about my ex and that's when I look at the phone and wish he would call.

 

I suppose that's normal

[jaelynne52]

Yeah, it's when you're alone that you feel the weakest. I found that singing along to music helped distract me. If I sing along, I have to concentrate more, and then I didn't think about the phone not ringing as much...

 

I'm glad to hear you are keeping busy. That's the plan for myself this weekend, or I'm scared I'll break down and contact him.

[Chiquita27]

I really hope you get to be busy this weekend and you don't think about him as much.

 

Do you ever think of him just moving on smoothly and meeting new people and therefore a new girl. When I spoke to my Ex he mentioned to me that he's putting himself out there (not really sure in what sense) and that he's meeting new people and all that jazz. I'm happy that he's doing that. But I feel like he's moving on so fast when he says he has to work on his issues.

 

Whatever, I don't mean to take over your thread....heehee........

 

This one is all about you

[ijustwannago]

Jae,

wow...i hope you are doing alright. i'm still up. had wayyyy to many dreams last night and i'm not in a hurry to sleep now. i need it though. you said it best when you expressed feeling about manipulation. good thing you have a wall of friends. and you most likely do need to center yourself. take all of your own advice! i started singing on tuesday it does make me feel better too. if you think tthe benifit of breaking NC strongly outweighs NC then i'd ONLY email. at least you have the chance to edit. Do your best and try to keep NC! let me know how you are...

[niceguy27]

I dont mean to hijack your thread but in regards to my ex leaving her stuff over my house I am torn on what to do. She keeps procrastinating on getting it out. She is still wearing a ring I got for her last year and keeps putting this stuff off.

 

I spoke to her mom about it when I took some things over to her storage unit her mom told me that she thinks she will come around once things settle down with her and that her keeping those things at my house is a connection for her. Her advice was to just let her get it on her own. If I force it out, it would be essentially cutting the connection in her mind. Her mother is rarely wrong about her too.

 

What I keep thinking is this...If she is involved with someone else pretty heavy, then wouldnt she just say "Take to wherever. Not a big deal." Because then in her mind its really done. That is how I would feel it was me. I know it sounds like shes stringing me along, but its her stuff and I really dont care what she does with it. She wants it, she can come get it is how I feel. It sits in a spare room not taking up my space.

 

Any suggestions? Listen to her mom or take the stuff out myself? We have been in LC for about a month now too so I dont talk to her a lot.

[ijustwannago]

NG27,

read the 10th post. if she is involved with someone else she needs to get her things. you are being taken advantage of. box it up. call her mom, let her know that you really appreciate her take on things, and it's become apparent to you that you need to move on. then ask her mom to come by and pick up her things, or when you can bring them by. get that crap out of your space. do not wait any longer this is bothering you and enough is enough...man up.

 

don't know what to tell you 'bout the ring..why do you think you can have that back? a gift is a gift.

 

good luck let me know how things go....in you own thread...

[jaelynne52]

I ended up speaking to him. I realized that the reason I didn't want to see him is because I didn't want to ruin the sense of peace I had gained since I went NC, but since I found out that he had things to say to me, it was gone anyway, so what was the point? Before we talked I made sure to spend some good long hours with myself, thinking about what I had to say to him, what he could possibly have to say to me, the best and worst possible outcomes from all of this, and to reaffirm what has become important to me in the recent months. I knew that no matter what he had to say, I was best continuing with my current plan, so I felt safe in seeing him.

 

We met for about three hours and talked. He started off by saying that a lot of the things I said to him in the initial weeks of our breakup were right, and that it took him being away from me to really see that. He said that he agrees with me that he is depressed, and he said that as long as he's working through this with himself he can't give me the love that I deserve. One of my biggest issues with him was that he wouldn't open up to me, wouldn't communicate, and he said that he saw what I meant by that now, but that it's hard for him to communicate what he feels when he doesn't even know, and thinks he's fine.

 

I told him that there are no hard feelings on my part. I said that I accept him going through what he is going through at this time, and while the situation sucks, I can't blame him for being who he is. I said that I've been doing some soul searching myself since I quit speaking to him, and I've come to realize that this isn't all bad for me.

 

We both agreed that it's best for us to keep being alone and on our own for now, maybe forever. We didn't talk about the future, except for me saying that I still think it's best that we not be friends, that I'm not ready for that yet. I told him I didn't want him to feel like he had to go out of his way to avoid me either though, that if something important came up that he wanted to talk about, I'd be willing to listen to a certain extent. I set my boundaries, that's for sure.

 

At the end of the conversation I asked him if he still thought the reasons he initially gave for the breakup were valid (that there was a deeper connection missing that he needed) and he said yes. This seemed to make him sad and he said that he wished he could give me what I wanted. I told him it didn't matter either way, because even if he offered I couldn't take it, since my trust in him has been shattered. This almost brought him to tears, and I feel bad, but I'm glad I said it.

 

Anyway, I thought I should give an update for those who have been reading. I don't think the full conversation has hit me yet, I've been in a sort of daze since. I think I'm okay though, and I'm pretty sure it was a good thing for me to have done it. There was a lot of conclusion in it for me.

 

Thanks everyone for listening!!

[Chiquita27]

Hey!

I just read your post at the NC thread and decided to reply on your thread instead of taking over someone else's.

 

I totally understand what you are going through because I feel the exact same way. Remember yesterday I had such a good day, well today is a bad one. Specially because of my dreams and the fact that I miss him so much.

 

I am sure you are feeling the same way. Remember, our exes are people that need to find themselves and accept themselves before they even think about caring about someone else. My ex said it to me.....he doesn't like himself, he doesn't like his life...he can't accept the fact that someone likes him. The problem with him is that he normally just would go on a rebound girl that doesn't involve any attachment or any affection. But that's not something I should think so much about because it would hurt me more.

 

I know you are confused.....I feel the same way..........but you have to stay away from contacting him...specially because talking to him might not do good for him. Or he might no respond the way you would like him to.

 

My thoughts are with you!

[jaelynne52]

I don't know why, but your post brought me to tears. I'm really sort of angry at myself, because I know I'm stronger than all this. I know what is right for me, I know what I shouldn't do, I know that not talking to him will be good for me, but it's so hard today. It's not like I have anything new to tell him, nothing has changed. I'm miserable, I miss him, and I want him to love me, and I know that he is incapable of doing that right now, if ever.

 

Thanks though, for writing to me. It's good to know that I have someone who will listen to me when I get all upset like this. I wish life weren't so complicated! I feel like today I've taken ten huge steps backwards. I think I just need to go home after work and cuddle with my cat and a good movie. I'm sorry to hear that your day isn't going any better either. At least we have each other to be miserable with though, right? That's at least some consolation.

[Chiquita27]

I'm so sorry if my post made you cry........I know these days are the hardest to deal with.

 

But we all have low days..........I think we are allowed to have them.......I think if you feel like crying just do it, cry all you want until you feel a bit better. If you miss him....allow yourself to miss him...allow yourself to feel any sort of sadness your heart wants to feel.

 

Think about it, you love this guy, he means a lot to you, you are away from him not because you asked for it but because he pushed you away...of course that's going to make you sad. I feel the same way, I don't hate my ex, I love him and care for him. I wish I could be with him in these times, but I can't. And I can't force him to reach out to me if he doesn't want to.

 

Hey...at least you have a cat......I want to get one but I'm not allowed to have pets in my place

 

Cheer up a bit.........Please!

[jaelynne52]

I feel loads better since writing to you and going to lunch. I think I just needed a distraction from my own thoughts and miseries. I told you before that I was keeping myself really busy in order to deal with everything that has happened to me, and I think this week has just been too busy for me, so I felt a little overwhelmed on top of everything else. I need to remember that taking a break and relaxing by myself is also necessary.

 

Thanks for the support. It wasn't so much your post that made me cry as knowing that I was feeling miserable and someone felt miserable for me. I'm one of those people that if you cry, I cry, even if I don't know what's going on. It's a pity party for JaeLynne, that's all. I'm much better now.

[Chiquita27]

Glad you are feeling better

 

I'm the same way as you.....if you cry I cry.....specially because I'm so sensitive lately...anything gets to me.