The Feelings Won't Go Away

[jmargel]

Wow -- that was hard to hear, even though I know you're right. Here I am thinking I had this amazing emotional connection with the OM, when in reality, once I told him that I cared for him, he dropped me like a hot potato, and here I am in this mess.

 

I guess this whole thread started because I wanted to get over the OM -- your post definitely helped.

 

What is in your head about this OM and what reality is are two different things. You are taking a very small moment in time and comparing it to all the ups and downs you had with your husband over the years. You are taking this small amount of time with this OM and projecting it over the rest of your life in what it would be like. But in all reality it is not even close to that.

 

This OM played you. What a player does is to make you think a certain way so he can get what he wants. He will tell you what you and your heart wants to hear. To him it's an adventure, to see where it will go. He doesn't have to face any consequences since he's not the one married.

 

IMO you still need to come clean with your husband about the second time. Otherwise it's going to nag at you and any counseling you have still won't overcome the amount of deceit that is still in your marriage. I don't know how he would react but wouldn't it be better to get it all out and start showing how serious you are about getting this marriage back on track?

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Thank you so much for all of this perspective. It really feels like a punch in the gut, but in the best possible way. JMargel, your observation that what I am doing is projecting the OM over the rest of my life is exactly right. Thanks for pointing that out, because it made me realize how ridiculous I am (continuing) to be in having thoughts and feelings for the OM.

 

And BufZookie, I appreciate your words too -- you have said what my brother has said: that every relationship has its ups and downs, and I am realizing that my whole attitude towards this marriage has been so childish.

 

I really thought I was an "adult" and have been blaming my husband for his "inability" to become an adult with me. But this whole experience has shown me just how immature I am. I project all these fantasies onto one person or another, instead of just recognizing that it is ME I am unhappy about.

 

I agree that I should tell my H about the second time with the OM. But honestly, I don't think I have it in me to do it. I am at the point where I am just so tired of dealing with this and thinking about it. I am trying to "embrace simplicity" and just focus on the things that are real: 1. I am married. 2. I need to finish my dissertation.

 

Nothing else needs thinking about right now. I know that sounds like I am burying my head in the sand, but I think I need that right now. To just pretend like things will be okay, and then maybe they actually will turn out to be okay.

 

I now realize that my husband is able to show me "real" love. That he, in exhibiting forgiveness doesn't make him weak. That in fact, his forgiveness makes him a stronger person than myself.

 

Who am I to hold these ridiculous grudges against him? Relationships ARE tough! I think I have been making this his problem, or the OM's problem, or my desire for the OM versus my H.

 

I now fully understand that I need to focus on ME. What am I bringing to my marriage? How can I best serve this relationship? Rather than constantly scanning the horizon searching for someone to help me escape from all of this.

 

I don't know. I guess this is just a way of saying that I'm signing off from here for awhile. I have really appreciated everyone's perspective, and you've certainly pulled me back from a place where I thought I was going to burst.

 

I've got a looonnnggg way to go before I think I'll see anything resembling clarity, but thank you, thank you, thank you for putting in the time and effort to help me deal with this.

 

Being an adult...sucks.

[InaPanic]

Wow, Blind, reading your thread is like reading my own personal diary. What you have done, how you dealt with it & the feelings afterwards are eerily similar to me & what i have done. I wish I had some way to PM you, I feel like i have so much i want to say to you & share but for some reason just not feeling like rehashing it on a board.

[Darth Vader]

Cobra -- you have read me right on! It's so true. I have a tendency to run away, and truth be told, right now, running away seems like the best (easiest) option. There is a part of me that is like, bam. I did this horrible thing. Now I'm justified in disappearing from this relationship.

 

But I know it's wrong not to give it my best effort before walking away. Otherwise, what is to prevent me from making the same big mess with somebody else?

 

I think what is so hard is trying to make an effort in a relationship when you just don't feel you have anything left to give. My husband and I are being so...polite with each other right now. I feel so badly about what I have done to him, but I am so angry with him for other baggage from our relationship.

 

And it's certainly unfair to my H, because while I have had months to process this, it is all coming at him at once.

 

The A with the OM lasted only a month or so. Probably even less. The emotional affair went on for about three months, but that culminated in the one night stand. Then we spent one more night together, but that has been it. It has only been two weeks since the last time we were together or had contact.

 

 

Have you even bothered to tell your husband about the other time you slept with OM? If you haven't, your husband can't start the healing process, full discloser, or forget the marriage.

[Darth Vader]

If you don't tell your hubby about all the times you and OM had sex, you're continuing to disrespect him, how would you feel if he did this to you?

[lost4ever]

DO NOT TELL HIM the details of the sexual affair (yes tell him it happened) but no details...Darth I respect all you say, I take your advice to heart, but this is wrong...Me telling my husband "what" happened was the worst mistake, yeah I know they tell you to tell all so they know and that is the best...it's bunk!!! When someone is stabbed in the heart, you don't walk up and twist the knife so "they know" without a doubt! ((oh, that was bad, sorry))

[Storyrider]

Do you know why your husband refuses to see a counselor about his depression? Does he state a reason?

 

Do you realize that you can choose how you will deal with his depression? For example, you don't have to fill out job applications for him. You could draw boundaries and set expectations. Or you could choose to continue to mother him, but just know that it is your choice. He isn't "making" you do it.

 

Don't have children with this man if you feel you don't want to do so. If you feel trapped now, just think how you will feel once children are involved.

[Darth Vader]

DO NOT TELL HIM the details of the sexual affair (yes tell him it happened) but no details...Darth I respect all you say, I take your advice to heart, but this is wrong...Me telling my husband "what" happened was the worst mistake, yeah I know they tell you to tell all so they know and that is the best...it's bunk!!! When someone is stabbed in the heart, you don't walk up and twist the knife so "they know" without a doubt! ((oh, that was bad, sorry))

 

 

What right does the WS have to dictate the future of the BS? It's all control on the behalf of the WS, to keep, or rather to force the BS to stay in a marriage that's not real! Why would anyone want to live a Lie? If that person finds out years later, and they almost always do, the betrayal is even worse, because instead of having the choice of finding someone else, or deciding to work on the marriage, they've been given no choice, in essence, they've been robbed of their time! You can't get that back!

 

At least your husband can move on, eventually.

[Innoncence]

I'm in an almost identical situation, I now how you feel so I can just say good luck dealing with all this!

[PollyIvy]

Me too, I am finding this thread incredibly insightful. I am so impressed with how thoughtful and intelligent all the posts are. I haven't dared to talk about my own situation on LS yet, but maybe will be able to soon as there are people like you all on here! I particularly appreciate that there are some significantly different perspectives but all (well, almost all ) are so well and respectfully stated and entirely valid.

Thanks to everyone for all these posts, you all are helping more people than just blindleadingblind...

[beautiful women]

I am a newly married women and before I got married, my partner did alot of cheating on me. The trust factor carried over into the marriage. Now I feel like every time he goes out he is going to do it again. Im so scarred. And even though we are married, he still lies about things he did in the past. Its like he cant tell me the truth about anything. We have two kids together, and i want to make it work, but it so much a good women can take. Im lost and Im hurting really bad.

[jmargel]

One person can only do so much. Unless the other person is willing to put forward the effort needed to maintain security and trust within' the relationship, your marriage is just a piece of paper.

 

If he's not willing to goto MC and get to the root of the problem, then in the long-term you will be living in misery. You'll be on a constant roller coaster ride, wondering where he is at, what he is doing and what secrets he is still holding from you.

 

Trust and communication is the foundation of the marriage, once that goes just like a house the rest will fall.

 

A relationship/marriage takes ALOT more than just love.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Hi everyone -- I took a break from posting for awhile because things were getting really overwhelming. But with a few weeks perspective, I wanted to check in again with some relatively positive news.

 

As you know, I did tell my husband, and my initial reactions were so mixed. There was a part of me that wanted to flee, move to another city, and start life over again.

 

But then a pretty amazing thing happened: my husband and I started to talk to each other. I mean, really talked to one another in a way we haven't talked in years.

 

I released a lot of my resentment about the past couple of years and his depression and refusal to seek help. I was forthright about the fact that my affair wasn't just a "one-night stand" but that it also involved a pretty lengthy emotional affair. I did NOT tell him about the second time, because in the end, I felt that it was my emotional attachment to the other man that was the big betrayal, not the fact that the one-night stand was actually a two-night stand. I made this decision after talking with my therapist, who said that sex is often just the manifestation of an emotional connection. There will be those of you out there who disagree with my decision not to reveal the second night I had with the OM, but I think I have made peace with this decision.

 

I still have maintained no contact with the other man, although certainly there have been many times when I have longed to reach out and send an email or text message or call. But with each week that passes, that gets a little easier.

 

I want to thank you for carrying me through those turbulent first few weeks. If there's anything I can say from my still on-going experience with this is that taking time before making decisions really helps a lot.

 

My husband and I have seen a marriage counselor. Our communication is beginning to improve. We're going to try working on this.

 

I think out of all of this, the best thing that has happened is that my husband and I are at least talking again. We had one really open discussion, where I told him that part of me wanted to try a separation. I really thought he would crumple up and not be able to handle it when I said those words, but he responded in such an admirable way. It made me see that I COULD trust him to deal with difficult, emotional issues.

 

So for now, we're not separating. We're working on our relationship and slowly trying to rebuild. It's certainly not easy, and there are times of true, deep sadness and of course, the regret will be there forever.

 

And yes, I still think about the OM every day. But I do feel like I am in a much better place regarding him than I was a few weeks ago.

 

This community has really helped me. Another site that I found helpful was Marriage Builders. There's an article in there about the adulterer's perspective which mirrored my experience to a tee.

 

It also helped to develop some empathy for the OM's perspective. I was swinging emotionally from desperate love to pure hatred and anger towards him.

 

Anyway, this is not to suggest that "everything is fine" or anything. But just an update to everyone who was so helpful to me.

 

Thanks.