The Feelings Won't Go Away

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Cobra -- you have read me right on! It's so true. I have a tendency to run away, and truth be told, right now, running away seems like the best (easiest) option. There is a part of me that is like, bam. I did this horrible thing. Now I'm justified in disappearing from this relationship.

 

But I know it's wrong not to give it my best effort before walking away. Otherwise, what is to prevent me from making the same big mess with somebody else?

 

I think what is so hard is trying to make an effort in a relationship when you just don't feel you have anything left to give. My husband and I are being so...polite with each other right now. I feel so badly about what I have done to him, but I am so angry with him for other baggage from our relationship.

 

And it's certainly unfair to my H, because while I have had months to process this, it is all coming at him at once.

 

The A with the OM lasted only a month or so. Probably even less. The emotional affair went on for about three months, but that culminated in the one night stand. Then we spent one more night together, but that has been it. It has only been two weeks since the last time we were together or had contact.

[Woggle]

Besides you changing what exactly has he done wrong to make you have such resentment? If it because of how you have changed it is unfair to blame him for something that he had nothing to do with and especially unfair tp lay this all on him after you cheated. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute.

[Tomcat33]

All of this has made me realize that I keep hoping someone else will make my decisions for me. Whether it is hoping the OM would ask me to leave to be with him, or that my husband would ask me to leave because of what I did to him. I think what is hardest for me is the growing realization that only I am responsible for my actions, and that I can't blame anybody else.

 

I know that sounds so rudimentary, but I think I have spent my life trying to pass the buck when it comes to life's decisions. And now here I am, trying to do it again, and no one is taking me up on it. It's what I deserve, obviously.

 

 

You are not alone Blind, I think MOST people in the cheater's shoes are this way. They hope to have someone make the choice for them, they just don't have the courage to take such a risk on their own, and some cheaters end up staying in a marriage just to avoid the whole risk/decision. Of course some stay for love, but some, in particular the ones that sit on the fence not knowing what to do yearning to get out but tired of having to contemplate both decisions, would rather stay just to ease themselves from the arduous task of having to take a stance. It can be draining.

 

It is not an easy decision to make so I can see why you would feel this way. It is not unlike any major decision in life, you can really drive yourself mad trying to figure out what to do when on the fence.

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing, by that I mean give yourself time. Of course proceed with the cutting off of the OM but give yourself time to process what you want to do with your marriage, your life.

 

good luck

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Tomcat -- thanks. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that I am sitting on the fence right now. And definitely, I tend to be an impatient person, and so I think a part of me thinks: "if I could just DECIDE what I wanted already, at least I will have made the decision!" And I'm ever-mindful of what Anne Lamott once said: "It's not our problems that are problems, but our solutions that are sometimes the problem."

 

It's just that emotions are so ephemeral. One second I think, I want to separate. I want to go my own way. And then two seconds later I think, "I miss H. I want to go home to him and try to work this out."

 

I know that only time will help me see which is the right answer, but right now, the best metaphor I have is that I'm standing atop two icebergs, and they're splitting. I'm straddling both and I need to make a decision to jump to one or the other, or risk drowning. One iceberg is the very comfortable life I could have with my H, if I'm willing to have kids, keep a nice house, and put my career behind his career. The other iceberg, going it on my own, frightens the hell out of me. It represents focusing on my own career, accepting that my life is built of my own actions, and that I truly have what it takes to be my own person.

 

Friends have pointed out that I am making these two icebergs mutually exclusive of one another, when that is not necessarily the case. But I guess I project into the future, and I know that I don't want to start a family, but that my H definitely does. That's another long story.

 

Woggle -- in answer to your question about what is it I'm so mad at my H about, well, there's not necessarily a great answer that doesn't take forever to tell. During the first three years of our marriage, we were both in graduate school in different cities. I moved to his city and commuted to mine once a week. Even though we both had relatively flexible schedules, I was the one making the six-hour roundtrip every weekend so that we could be together. Then, in his third year of his grad schooling, he fell into a depression that lasted for about three years. During that time, I basically held everything together, and became the go-to person for both his family's and my family's concern about him. At a time when I should have been enjoying my own grad school success (received some prestigious grants and awards) I was worrying about him and his career, and trying to keep us together when everything seemed to be falling apart in his world.

 

At the time, I asked, begged, and pleaded for him to see a counselor, and he refused. I was living in a different country when his depression began, and begged for him to at least move to be with me. He did so, and things calmed down for a few months until we had to return to the U.S.

 

We got back and made the decision to move to my city together so that at least I could pursue my degree. For the next two years in my city, I received another grant so that we could at least afford to be there, etc. He was pretty comatose during this period. Not finishing his ph.d. was the first big failure in his life and he wasn't recovering well.

 

I took it upon myself to apply to jobs for him, and he did end up getting a good position. But his arrogance or whatever it was caused him to be fired from that position after six months. Then he began a part-time job in a related field, and I began suggesting to him that he apply to law school.

 

During this whole time, I tried to be supportive, but at the same time was so angry with him for his depression. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I felt so betrayed. I really think there is no great shame in deciding not to finish a ph.d. But I also feel like if you make this decision, you need to own it, release it, and then move on.

 

Finally, when he got into law school, we both began to think that maybe he would come out of his depression okay. Things went well -- he did well in school, he was starting to feel more confidant. And then...applications for summer jobs began, and he returned to his basket-case self. It was a little better than before, but I was haunted by fear that he would backslide again into anxiety and depression.

 

And basically, that's the cycle we've been in for the past three or four years. He clearly has depression and anxiety issues but is unwilling to seek counseling for these issues. I struggle with enabling him versus trying to let him do things for himself, but then jump in when I see deadlines passing and him unable to deal with them.

 

What happened this summer, is that I just got so scared that my life was tied to a person I couldn't depend on.

 

And so, when he finally received his job offer for next year, my first feeling was relief, and the thought, "okay, if I leave him, I know he will be able to take care of himself now."

 

Isn't that sick? It wasn't even: congratulations! You did it!

 

It made me realize: I've been thinking about leaving him for years, but couldn't do it when he was in his depressive phase. I mean, who leaves a depressed person?

 

But now, with him coming out of it, I think that is why I finally felt like I could leave and not be destroying him.

 

But there is a part of me that thinks: It's just wrong to leave somebody, depressed or not. Like it or not, I married him, and I should stick by him in sickness or in health, right? I mean, had the tables been turned, I know my H would have stuck by me.

 

I look at our lives, and part of me thinks: We're so close. Why am I ruining this now? He has a terrific job offer. I'm almost done with my ph.d. We could be so happy, isn't this what we've always wanted?

 

The other part of me thinks: I just spent almost four years caring for a person who refused to seek other help.

[Woggle]

I do understand why you would feel this way but still having an affair was not the answer and if you do want this to work you are going to have to move on. His depression was nothing personal against you. I am not saying that it was not rough but you were just along for the ride and it wasn't something he was trying to do to you. In order for this to work you will have to forguve him for this and he will have to forgiuve you for the affair and you wipe the slate clean. If not it is better you both part ways.

[Cobra_X30]

I dont think you are ready for a family... at least not with your husband. You have to be ready to accept that he will never change if you decide to try and make a go of this!

 

Short story about me! This may provide you some insight into the situation. The last two years of college I dated this girl that I was pretty sure we would get married and live together forever. I was pre-med and she did nursing, but those last two years working, sports and a heavy class load began to take its toll on my GPA... in fact I nearly failed two full semesters. I applied to medical school and was very confidant because my test scores were good. Turns out they were not good enough! So, I had a dead end job... a degree, and no idea what to do, beyond re-apply and hope. It put alot of stress on our relationship... I spent alot of time spinning in circles trying to figure out what to do. Eventually we broke up! She had helped and supported me through most of the process... and I felt very angry that she was leaving me because I didnt get in. But low and behold... without her holding my hand I stood up and found my own path. I've done very well and now I dont regret not getting in at all because I love my career so much!

 

So, while you may feel bad for going while he is depressed and unhappy... It may be something he needs to become the man he has the potential to be!

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Thanks, Cobra! That is exactly right -- I want nothing more than to see my husband succeed on his own terms. I am so tired of not being able to forgive him, and I see how it eats away at his own sense of success. In my bitterest moments, when he achieves something, I always mutter in my heart, "it's because of me."

 

I acknowledge that I am seeking some sort of affirmation or thanks from him for what he has accomplished. I also recognize that he has given this to me, but that it's not enough.

 

My brother said that our spouse is brought into our life to teach us something about ourselves. That's an understatement! My Achilles heel is that I am a grudge-holder and find it very difficult to forgive others. My husband has already forgiven me, so he says, about my A. And I believe he has.

 

Nothing would make me happier than for my husband to find fulfillment and success in his career. But I also accept that I will always be sort of wary, jealous, and angry about his success.

 

And these past two years, I think I kept expecting him, now that he was "better" to start holding up his end of the bargain. I went to work full-time, and he was a student. I'm still working on my dissertation, and so I was feeling very overbooked trying to juggle both. I asked him to please help out more with making dinner, paying bills, and cleaning the house because he was now a full-time student while I was working full-time while still a graduate student as well. But, he ignored me. And this was a year ago. It makes total sense in some ways for why I exploded this summer.

 

I was living by myself, and enjoying it. I had a feeling of peace I hadn't felt in a long time. It worried me that I was enjoying being alone so much. Granted, I wasn't "alone" given the EA, and that's what makes me second-guess myself.

 

Again, I am not justifying my A. Obviously, that was a horrible way to "learn" something about myself. But I also think that at some level, I did it to again "protect" my H for when I leave.

 

Because I had an A, I can be the b*#! that messed everything up. It won't be my H's fault, and he will have a support network because I am the one who f$#cked up, not him.

 

I know this is so messed up, but it's almost like my A makes it really easy and explainable to our family and friends as to why our "perfect" marriage didn't work.

[Cobra_X30]

My brother said that our spouse is brought into our life to teach us something about ourselves. That's an understatement! My Achilles heel is that I am a grudge-holder and find it very difficult to forgive others. My husband has already forgiven me, so he says, about my A. And I believe he has.

 

But I also think that at some level, I did it to again "protect" my H for when I leave.

 

Because I had an A, I can be the b*#! that messed everything up. It won't be my H's fault, and he will have a support network because I am the one who f$#cked up, not him.

 

I know this is so messed up, but it's almost like my A makes it really easy and explainable to our family and friends as to why our "perfect" marriage didn't work.

 

Your brother is correct! Every relationship provides the opportunity to learn, but you must pay attention to the lesson. Many do not learn and create a cycle which continually drags them down. So, take this and learn! You say that your emotions are ephemeral! If that is so... why allow them to rule your descisions in this matter! Choose soon what iceberg to float away on! Waiting serves nobody.

 

Regardless of what this has done to your H, remember that these things take a toll on you and how you view yourself! You will suffer the judgement of others along with that of your own internal judgement!

 

This will be your burden to bear!

[whichwayisup]

Or is wanting to do that simply a sign that I want to get back in contact with the OM, even though the OM has cut off contact with me.

 

Because he cut off contact with you, do not contact him. Respect HIS wishes to go NC with you. Now, if he does contact you by email, maybe write him a little note just telling him that you're with your husband now, that he is aware of the A. And, that it would be best if you two kept the NC going forever. But, I doubt the OM will contact you seeing as he was the one who intiated it first and hasn't contacted you since.

 

Let your husband know IF the OM contacts you. Let him be part of writing an email to the OM. DO not exclude your husband, always tell him the truth, if the OM contacts you, TELL your H right away. BE an open book...

 

Give him time...Understand his pain, sympathize with him, don't blame him for your choices, own up to them and let him know in words and inactions that you are sorry and are going to make things right again. If you love him and he loves you, hopefully your marriage CAN be fixed. As long as you're both willing to go the distance and work together to make it work...Just give him time to think, to digest everything.

[bish]

Is your husband working on the marriage? Or is he pulling back? Do you have alot of resentment towards him?

 

The question is, does he have alot of resentment towards her for cheating? My guess would be yes.

 

And if she is wondering if she is giving up something "special" in the other man..then she doesn't need to be married to her husband. Her husband doesn't deserve a wife who is pining for another man.

 

If the husband resents her for what she did, then I'd say its time to think about divorce. Face it...she is obsessed with this other man and its not fair to the husband to be married to someone like that.

[bish]

I think what is hard right now is that although I still have these feelings of resentment and want to work on the relationship, it is almost impossible to do because my husband is now putting me off emotionally. He doesn't want to discuss what happened and has asked for some time to process this.

 

Of course he doesn't want to discuss this...my god..you really think he wants to talk about events that put visions in his head of this other guy sticking it to you? You can't even begin to imagine the pain you have caused and you have exiled him pretty much to a life of having thoughts of what you did with this other guy.

 

So if you resent him for not wanting to discuss things that are painful...because of pain YOU caused..well thats just plain nuts and insensitive on your part.

 

I know I can't justify my actions. But right now, I look back on our seven years of marriage and realize that a lot of pain and anger was swept under the carpet. I spent a long time "mothering" him and that made me angry. I felt like my career and desires always took a backseat to his. And I have to be honest, we don't have kids, and there's a part of me that just wonders, maybe this is the time to leave this marriage?

 

I'd say that is a good idea. Because if you will cheat because of things like that, I'd hate to think what you'd do if you 2 REALLY had problems.

 

But that is what is so strange about his reaction to me telling him about the affair. I said: ask me anything. I want to be as honest as possible and I want you to trust me.

 

You can't make that statement to him..."i want you to trust me"..you blew that trust..completely. Can you get it back? honestly.....no...not completely anyway. All you can hope for is that there are times when what you did to him doesn't enter his mind.

 

He was simply quiet for awhile, then said he forgave me, and that was that. A few days later, I asked him about it again, and he said, "Yes, I'm angry. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or acting."

 

And so I suggested therapy, but he is resistant to it.

 

And the most horrible part is that I find myself getting so irritated and angry with him. He told me that I was "kicking him when he was already down."

 

Well you getting angry with him shows that you probably really don't care about him. You betrayed him in the worst way...he is angry..and he is going to be angry for a long long time. You have to expect it and you have to be willing to take it...afterall...you caused these types of reactions from him.

 

But I feel so frustrated, and so sad. I know my husband wants our relationship to work out, but part of me wonders how he can just seal himself off and move on without talking about it.

 

What do you want to do? Piss him off even more by hashing out the details of what you did?? Some people that are betrayed want to know the details....some don't. And believe me...even the ones that want to know the details get angrier when they hear them.

 

If the tables were turned and he had cheated on me, I think I would be totally ballistic and want to know everything. But we're very different people...

 

And when you knew everything, you'd get even more ballistic.

 

But you are getting mad at him for not wanting to talk about it. You have no right to get mad at him. You are the one that cheated on him. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then thats it. Leave the poor man alone and let him deal with it in his own way....and that may take more than a year too.

[Tomcat33]

Again, I am not justifying my A. Obviously, that was a horrible way to "learn" something about myself. But I also think that at some level, I did it to again "protect" my H for when I leave.

 

Because I had an A, I can be the b*#! that messed everything up. It won't be my H's fault, and he will have a support network because I am the one who f$#cked up, not him.

 

I know this is so messed up, but it's almost like my A makes it really easy and explainable to our family and friends as to why our "perfect" marriage didn't work.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you have been through a real rollercoaster of emotions in the last few years and I can see why you sought an escape, if nothing more than to project what you have been toying with for some time now. That's not to justify an A, there is never a good reason for it, but I can see what lead to this path.

 

Also I wanted to add living with someone with depression is very hard, it's a moral choice of the non-depressed person at the end of the day and one that is by some seen as par for the course when a marriage is formed. Someone very close to me has lived her whole life with a manic depressive person, and it has been a very hard life indeed, especially since he refused for the most part of his life to seek help and she was the brunt of his highs and lows. The highs at times are not necessarily highs of pleasantries they were highs of unfounded anger caused by the imbalance itself. At least your H has done things to treat himself. But the bottom line when deciding what to do, looking at it from the outside, in any tragic event that changes the dynamic of a marriage is how much love there is to sustain the change? And I don't mean the hollywood fantasy type love, I mean the empathetic, tollerant and even unconditional type love that helps any human being stand by the side of a best friend in need. Again you know your situation best, morality is how the world sees it looking from the outside in, reality is how the person actually lives it.

 

 

The last part of your post caught my attention and left me with the following question: what if your H really wants to work on the marriage that much more, he does not want to let you go? What then? I know you are thinking that this was the perfect scenario for a "clean" guised exit, but what if he does not want to let go? Would you be inclined to make that decision yourself? This may be something you need to consider.

Affairs sometimes, no a lot of times, have the opposite effect the BS wants to hold on with dear life...anger and all.

 

On a side note and contrary to "some's"belief you don't sound "obsessed" you sound confused, confused by the big picture overall. You are not a victim but on the same token I don't think you have been acting from a place of selfish whyms, you seem to be looking for an escape in a wrong way, but an escape nonetheless.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I wonder -- would it be wrong to write the OM a letter, explaining that I told my husband about the affair and that I am trying to make this situation right?

In your mind, what purpose would this serve ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

TomCat -- thanks for your understanding and empathy. Last night, my H and I had our first good long talk in awhile. And you're exactly right -- he doesn't want to let me go. I asked him what he gets out of this relationship, and he said, "I remember what it was like for me when I was trying to finish my dissertation, and I want to be there for you. I know how hard this is."

 

I tried to tell him that it wasn't just dissertation anxiety. I really don't think it is. But his willingness to hold on to me despite how horrible I have been really floored me. I told him, "I just don't understand why you still love me despite what I've done to you."

 

He does want to work on the marriage, and I owe him at least that. I am working on letting my feelings for the OM dissipate. I try to imagine my feelings as a bird that I was clutching to my chest and now I am trying to let it fly away. That sort of helps.

 

Thanks for recognizing that I am not obsessed per se. Those feelings of neediness get less everyday. But definitely the confusion still lingers.

 

After my conversation with my H, I felt I released a lot of my resentment and anger towards him, and just started to feel very empathetic and sad. He told me that he "couldn't guarantee he wouldn't get depressed again" but that he is "so joyful and hopeful for our future." And kept saying that "we're so close to everything we've ever wanted." He also acknowledged that there were parts to him that he needed to work on and change.

 

After the talk, I felt very free and lighthearted, and I started to think: maybe this will turn out okay. I truly was so blown away by his desire to make this work between us. And I thought -- here's the main difference between us -- he DOES truly love me unconditionally whereas I've always withheld a small bit from him. But when I said this to him, he said, "well, if I truly had loved you unconditionally, would I have taken you for granted and ignored you like you said you've been feeling?"

 

And that made me feel better -- that he did acknowledge that he had played a role in all of this. Again, this doesn't, and never will justify my A, but it just helped to know that my H is trying to address what went wrong between us for that A to happen in the first place.

 

This morning, I received a call from a woman who I contacted regarding a possible sublet in a different city, and again am confused.

 

I feel like I need some time alone, but also feel again the question of: how can I even contemplate doing this to someone who loves me so much he is willing to let me have an A and STILL want to be married to me?

[Woggle]

With some men you can treat them like garbage and they will love you even more. He is a like a puppy with no spine and even though it sounded sweet last night you will lose respect for him if he keeps handing over his balls. I am don't mean this in an insulting way but if I were him you would have been served with divorce papers already. If he did that you probably would want him more because you would respect him. The main crux of the matter with this is your lack of respect for him and that is the reason the attraction is lost.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Woggle -- he did ask me last night if I "respected and admired" him. I know that for men, that respect and admiration is paramount.

 

I have to say, I am a bit dumbfounded by his reaction, although to be fair, he is taking it in the vein that I told him, so I am to blame again. As someone said earlier, I was trying to "cushion the blow" by telling him this was a one-night stand and that I was drunk at the time.

 

That part is true, but it doesn't explain why I continued the affair an additional time and kept in contact with the OM until the OM began to pull away.

 

So, I guess my H takes what I say at face value. He has no reason to doubt me, because in his mind, I have already been "honest" about what occurred. I recognize this is unfair and wrong.

 

But when he asked me whether or not I respected and admired him, I really had to pause. It is difficult when there are truly things I do love and admire about him: he is the smartest person I know. He is dutiful and loving and kind to everyone around him.

 

But do I respect him? I guess that yes, I would respect him more if he DID show some spine, some emotion, and get angry.

 

Although last night I said to him, "I keep wishing you'll get angry and yell and that will give me a reason to go." And he said, "well, I'm not going to give you that reason."

 

He DOES know me so well. He knows that I always have an urge to flee. And he knows that the best way to keep me here is to remain calm and patient with me.

 

Again, I don't feel I deserve this consideration from him. I WANT to respect him. And his behavior in this whole horrible A does make me respect him more. But do I respect him enough to stay? I just don't have an answer to that.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

And you know what is so sick? I know, with some certainty, that if we were to separate and he were to find someone else, that I would be jealous and want him back.

 

Partly, that is the stupidity of the game and wanting what you can't have (or have given away). But the other part of me really wants to know he can make it on his own. That he is capable of going out into the world without me and surviving.

 

I think that is why the thought of motherhood has been so exhausting to me. I've already been a mother -- to him for the past four years.

[Woggle]

You would respect him even more if he showed some spine and left. I know that is what my ex did. She had an affair and left and when she realized I know no longer wanted anything to do with her she did an about face wanted me back but then it was too late.

[Cobra_X30]

Honestly... part of me says that sounds more like pity than respect. You can respect aspects of a person, yet not respect the person as a whole! That may be the case here.

[Woggle]

And you know what is so sick? I know, with some certainty, that if we were to separate and he were to find someone else, that I would be jealous and want him back.

 

Partly, that is the stupidity of the game and wanting what you can't have (or have given away). But the other part of me really wants to know he can make it on his own. That he is capable of going out into the world without me and surviving.

 

I think that is why the thought of motherhood has been so exhausting to me. I've already been a mother -- to him for the past four years.

 

If he went out in the world and thrived you would be very attracted to him. Once a woman knows a man can survive without her she wants him more.

[jmargel]

You would respect him even more if he showed some spine and left. I know that is what my ex did. She had an affair and left and when she realized I know no longer wanted anything to do with her she did an about face wanted me back but then it was too late.

 

That's part of the reason why she wants the OM. He shows confidence, the ability to live life on his own without her. It's the challenge for her. However to the OM, she was just a piece of ass. He knew what he was doing, he knew there was no strings attached. He knew it was easy, free sex. He played her and she fell for it.

 

Her husband has a long emotional investment into her, so right now he is weighing that and what she's done to him. That's where his confusion sets in, and though he might say somethings in wanting to work it out, the clarity of what he is going to do is not there yet in his head. Check out confuszed's posts. His wife cheated on him and he kept trying to get her back but he eventually knew in his head that he was bound for better things.

 

You still haven't told the whold truth about having the second fling. You need to tell him about this, he deserves it. You also need to get checked so that you don't put your husband's health at risk. You have no idea if this guy has STDs or not.

 

You two have to find the root of all of this. There is a reason why all of this has happened.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Wow -- that was hard to hear, even though I know you're right. Here I am thinking I had this amazing emotional connection with the OM, when in reality, once I told him that I cared for him, he dropped me like a hot potato, and here I am in this mess.

 

I guess this whole thread started because I wanted to get over the OM -- your post definitely helped.

[Woggle]

Wow -- that was hard to hear, even though I know you're right. Here I am thinking I had this amazing emotional connection with the OM, when in reality, once I told him that I cared for him, he dropped me like a hot potato, and here I am in this mess.

 

I guess this whole thread started because I wanted to get over the OM -- your post definitely helped.

 

If your husband treated you the same the OM is treating you he could make you fall in love all over again. I am not saying this to be insulting but most of the time it is true.

[GracelessWomenCom]

wow. thats all i can say. but basically, what you need to do is to date a whole lot. and get rid of anything that reminds u of ur ex

[Bufzookie]

Sorry to jump in to this but I just had to say a few things about your situation.

 

I know you are confused and there must be so many things on your mind. Dreams of what life would be like "outside the box" and exsperiancing things that you hadn't before because as you said, you left one dependancy for another...........but here is the really hard thing about all that.

 

Every person in there life goes through changes! You are a different person then you used to be a few years ago correct? and so is your husband. Its gets confusing sometimes because sometimes you and your partner don't grow or "change" in the same way...so things get twisted and diffunctional and that can leave a person feeling like they want to get the hell out of there.

 

But there are so many things you can do to get your marriage out of such caois. But you have to work really really hard for it. No one said that was going to be easy and EVERYONE.....no matter how stable/faithful/perfict there marriage seems......EVERYONE questions there marraige at one point in time or multipul times because so many factors play into that. The "what ifs" take control and our minds wonder. Yeah, you made a bad desition and that got you thinking about how you really feel, and you leaving and trying to make a get a way. Well, I don't think that would be best really.

 

You said vows and I'm sure somewhere there was a death due you part in there. Yeah, so you broke the "forsaking all others" but you are human and entittled to acting so. Not saying I agree with what you did, because lord knows I don't....but you need to take a hold of what you already have and find strength to fight for your husband as he is willing to do for you. That MEANS something hun........he loves you That much to not let you leave. Not a lot of men would do that.....thats special and should be treasured. Keep getting help and talking about how you feel. Get things out in the open. You need to get balanced somehow and until that happens you wont be able to be there 100 % for your marraige. Please think about it and realize that life is going to throw you a ton of obsticals, you just have to learn how to cope with them appropriatly.

 

Hope that helped a little!