solosail Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 So, I’ve been through denial and the yearning for a reunion. Twice, I’m ashamed to admit. Yes, I knew it would never happen but, strangely, you don’t have to be stupid to be able to fool yourself. Now I’ve realised that I really can’t afford myself the luxury of delusion any longer. I know it’s over, he’s gone, moved on and won’t come back. What happens next? Well, I suppose I’m skimming through all the stages of break-up grief again – it's quicker this time, but depressingly real. I try my best to deal head on, with courage, with each and every stage. I try to acknowledge my role, and the role of my past, in what I experience. Then I wait for the day when I’m finally able to reach acceptance, see the valuable lesson, rely on myself and allow myself to love and – most of all - be loved again. But what if it doesn’t end like that? What if you only see that acceptance stage swish by the window of the de-railed train you’re on? And when the vehicle finally grinds to a halt you find yourself in a wholly different place. That’s what happens to me. It’s like I have a side of my personality that is ready to stand up and fight for me, protect my broken heart, sword in hand. Pick me up, turn its back and walk away, carrying me. There we go, in sorrow, but with dignity. Then I say: “Hey, you can put me down now… anywhere here is fine… I think I’ll be ok from now on”. But all I get in reply from my protective side is a derisive snort, and a lecture: “That’s what YOU think. Don’t you get it? That love stuff is not for you. You’re not… ah, how can I put this.. good enough. Besides, you’re nearly 36… yeah, I know we said it was ok and that life wasn't over yet, but.. you know. Oh please, no more tears now. I’m going to put you down HERE, see? It may be a little dark in here but don’t worry, you’ll be safe here at least. I’m going to close the door now, ok? Just don’t open it to anyone again" I’m sorry about the somewhat strained metaphors, but I would just like to know how I get off at the right stop? How do I stop going full circle, from allowing myself to be destroyed at the hands of another, to bitterness, self-pity and self-destruction? How can I combine self-preservation with hope?
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