april sunshine Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Just a quick update....I made the decision to take my life back and succeeded, it was not too difficult or traumatic. My threads will fill in the gaps for those of you who are interested in the background. The strategy I used involved extricating myself from the emotional mess of a relationship with a mm. No contact very quickly ensured a diminishing level of focus on the mm and our R'ship. I kept myself busy with other things in my life - work, kids, catching up with friends. I avoided talking about the r'ship (again, to redirect my focus), I stopped visiting loveshack as I found that I was vulnerable in terms of identifying with similar situations, and visiting the forum meant that I was overly focussed on my own situation. It was important to acknowledge my feelings for mm, and to then file the thoughts away in a place where they are memories instead of feelings that define my life each day. I feel so much better for having gone through this process...I have my life back, I am not depending on decisions that another person might make to shape outcomes in my life. I am responsible for my own happiness, I am also responsible for behaving in a way that I can be proud of. Loveshack was so valuable in terms of sensible advice from thoughtful and wise people, my decision to move on and leave the R'ship behind was in part inspired by the great advice I recieved from people on this site...thankyou! I have no desire to return to my former situation, and I will never allow myself to be in a similar situation again.....who needs the stress/guilt/pain? I am now at the point where I can wish him well in his life and imagine a future that does not include him. I do not think of him very often, and when I do think of him it's not painful, in fact it is more with a fondness or wistfulness. I have accepted that life does not always turn out the way we would like it too, and when it doesn't, sometimes there is value in choosing not to persist. Anyway, I wish luck to those of you who are trying to move on. I want to tell you that it can be done, and that it is not nearly as difficult as it first seems........again thanks to those who have given me some really helpful advice in this forum, particularly earlier this year. April
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Hey April! Congrats on healing yourself and realizing that you're better off without the MM in your life. Enjoy life, love your kids and I hope you find someone special that you can share everything with!
Meaplus3 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Just a quick update....I made the decision to take my life back and succeeded, it was not too difficult or traumatic. My threads will fill in the gaps for those of you who are interested in the background. The strategy I used involved extricating myself from the emotional mess of a relationship with a mm. No contact very quickly ensured a diminishing level of focus on the mm and our R'ship. I kept myself busy with other things in my life - work, kids, catching up with friends. I avoided talking about the r'ship (again, to redirect my focus), I stopped visiting loveshack as I found that I was vulnerable in terms of identifying with similar situations, and visiting the forum meant that I was overly focussed on my own situation. It was important to acknowledge my feelings for mm, and to then file the thoughts away in a place where they are memories instead of feelings that define my life each day. I feel so much better for having gone through this process...I have my life back, I am not depending on decisions that another person might make to shape outcomes in my life. I am responsible for my own happiness, I am also responsible for behaving in a way that I can be proud of. Loveshack was so valuable in terms of sensible advice from thoughtful and wise people, my decision to move on and leave the R'ship behind was in part inspired by the great advice I recieved from people on this site...thankyou! I have no desire to return to my former situation, and I will never allow myself to be in a similar situation again.....who needs the stress/guilt/pain? I am now at the point where I can wish him well in his life and imagine a future that does not include him. I do not think of him very often, and when I do think of him it's not painful, in fact it is more with a fondness or wistfulness. I have accepted that life does not always turn out the way we would like it too, and when it doesn't, sometimes there is value in choosing not to persist. Anyway, I wish luck to those of you who are trying to move on. I want to tell you that it can be done, and that it is not nearly as difficult as it first seems........again thanks to those who have given me some really helpful advice in this forum, particularly earlier this year. April April, Thank's for sharing your moving on success story, I am so happy for you! You sound like your in a GREAT place! Best of luck to you. Thank's for sharing your update! AP:)
Shades of Grey Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Thanks for sharing your story April. I'm glad that you are doing so well. Can I ask how long from initiating NC it took to reach this point?
OpenBook Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Anyway, I wish luck to those of you who are trying to move on. I want to tell you that it can be done, and that it is not nearly as difficult as it first seems........again thanks to those who have given me some really helpful advice in this forum, particularly earlier this year. April Way to go April! It's good to hear that your efforts turned out to be so successful for you. I wholeheartedly agree with your approach - getting away from the whole mess is the key to moving on -- it helps us not to dwell on it, and over time it becomes less and less important, and finally fades into a distant memory. However, I do think it is a very difficult and excruciatingly painful process for many of us, and the length of time it takes varies drastically from person to person. It took me two years to get over mine, and I still don't know what finally kicked in the survival instinct and made me decide to get up and get moving. It's been almost 20 years now, and I don't remember much of the details about him and our interactions together -- but I clearly recall the intense pain after we split. It's almost like a reminder to me, somewhere in my brain (like a rubber band around my wrist), never to get into that situation again! Snap!!
PoshPrincess Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Can I ask how long from initiating NC it took to reach this point? I was going to ask the same question! Well done April, and thanks so much for sharing your story with us. It gives all us 'finished with MM but not quite over them' some hope for the future! All the best to you and good luck in meeting someone special who can give you what you truly deserve x
silktricks Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Congratulations, April. I hope you have a very happy life.
Author april sunshine Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 It has taken about three months to feel confident that I am free to move forward in my life. The first four or five weeks were really difficult - poor sleep, no appetite/weight loss, not concentrating at work, not keeping up with things at home, being isolative, tearful, headaches, etc, etc. Thankfully I did not look backwards and I am very happy to be where I am today. I am quite sure that the timeframe would be different for everyone....perhaps I was lucky that I have a tendency to be impatient and I counted on losing interest once NC began. In terms of telling mm of my decision to cease contact...it was difficult as we had a significant friendship before our R'ship became intimate, and I knew that I would miss him as a friend. he would have liked to stay in contact, however I felt that emotionally it was likely to be too painful for me. I know that I will not go back to him unless he has a finalised divorce and at least 12 months of living alone AFTER a divorce has been finalised, even then I would be wary, and there is no way that I would enable any contact before he was able to fulfill the divorce rule. I am also open to the idea of meeting someone else and I will not allow myself to miss an opportunity to be with someone amazing because of any lingering ideas of MM. Perhaps I found moving on to be relatively easy as I have been single for over six years, I like living alone, I enjoy my own company, and would really have considered a 'live in' R'ship only with this particular person....in reality there has been a touch of relief that I get to maintain a lifestyle that has suited me very well before I became involved with MM. Thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts!
PoshPrincess Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 It has taken about three months to feel confident that I am free to move forward in my life. The first four or five weeks were really difficult - poor sleep, no appetite/weight loss, not concentrating at work, not keeping up with things at home, being isolative, tearful, headaches, etc, etc. Thankfully I did not look backwards and I am very happy to be where I am today. I am quite sure that the timeframe would be different for everyone....perhaps I was lucky that I have a tendency to be impatient and I counted on losing interest once NC began. In terms of telling mm of my decision to cease contact...it was difficult as we had a significant friendship before our R'ship became intimate, and I knew that I would miss him as a friend. he would have liked to stay in contact, however I felt that emotionally it was likely to be too painful for me. I know that I will not go back to him unless he has a finalised divorce and at least 12 months of living alone AFTER a divorce has been finalised, even then I would be wary, and there is no way that I would enable any contact before he was able to fulfill the divorce rule. I am also open to the idea of meeting someone else and I will not allow myself to miss an opportunity to be with someone amazing because of any lingering ideas of MM. Perhaps I found moving on to be relatively easy as I have been single for over six years, I like living alone, I enjoy my own company, and would really have considered a 'live in' R'ship only with this particular person....in reality there has been a touch of relief that I get to maintain a lifestyle that has suited me very well before I became involved with MM. Thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts! Brilliant April! Really helpful insight - thanks. Three months isn't bad going and I kept thinking, "Why has it taken me over a year?" but then again, after 2 months of NC (my PB) I end up giving in. You have given me a three month marker to aim for now. I am at a month now (and one day.....) so only 2 more months to go. Hope to God I am feeling the same as you one day! My milestone to reach before that though is his BD next month. I know he will expecting to hear from me so I will be doing really well if I can get through that one! x
Shades of Grey Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Thanks April. It's been 4 months for me since MM agreed to try again with his wife and 1 month of strict NC initiated by me. I know that i'm am doing better when I remember back to the first few months when I was at the lowest i ever thought it possible to get but I am still consumed by thoughts of him and have many bad days. I think it will be a long time yet before I get to the place it seems you are at. My big milestone will be my birthday in a few weeks time. Although I am confident that I will be able to resist any contact made by him, I am certain he will get in touch and I know that it will be terribly difficult. Thank you for sharing your story. x
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 That's brilliant April, you sound like a very focussed and determined person and I'm sure your positive attitude can help posters here who are going through the end of a relationship with their MM. Keep strong and keep happy
PoshPrincess Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 My big milestone will be my birthday in a few weeks time. Although I am confident that I will be able to resist any contact made by him, I am certain he will get in touch and I know that it will be terribly difficult. Hey, that's tough! At least I don't have to worry about my exMM contacting me anymore. It's just myself I can't trust! Hang in there Shades, you're doing better everyday!
Shades of Grey Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Hey, that's tough! At least I don't have to worry about my exMM contacting me anymore. It's just myself I can't trust! Hang in there Shades, you're doing better everyday! Thank you xx
Author april sunshine Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I want to wish luck to the ladies who are trying to move on, it's not easy but it can be done. I certainly had some horrible days emotionally and I had to keep reminding myself that overall each week that went by was less painful than the one before. I also anticipated that his birthday would be difficult, so I sincerely wished him a happy birthday in advance, and told him that I hoped he would have an amazingly happy and fun day with his family, this allowed me to resist the temptation to contact him when the day arrived. Even though I miss him, my life has become enjoyable again, it is steady and emotionally consistent - I have learned that these things are far more valuable and fragile than I realised before. I have never had an affair before this one, and I would never put myself through this again. The process has been a big life lesson...a difficult one, but worth experiencing in any case, at the least I have learned enough to not repeat the experience. Again, good luck ladies. April
PoshPrincess Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 The process has been a big life lesson...a difficult one, but worth experiencing in any case, at the least I have learned enough to not repeat the experience. April I may not quite be over MM but I have also learned the same lesson. NEVER NEVER NEVER would I put myself through that again with anyone!
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