Jerbs Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Okay, I won't try to make this longwinded - just as much as I have to. I'm 24, my girlfriend is 20. We've been dating almost 4 years (yeah, don't do the math). Before her, I'd played the field.... a lot. She hadn't. We started dating, and I wasn't expecting it to get serious, but it did. We've been exclusive to each other for the whole relationship. I have my fair share of friends, but after about 2 years I started finding myself spending more and more time with her instead of them - and vice versa. Now I go out with friends on a once-a-month basis instead of a multi-times-a-week basis. She doesn't have any friends to speak of at this time; the ones she had when she started dating me have found other people to hang out with. So, here's the problem. We moved in together 2 months ago. 2 months prior to that, she started working nights at a local club in the area, meaning that she gets home around 4-5am and doesn't actually go to sleep until around 9am. I'm taking 18 hours this semester and usually get up at around 730am and go to bed around 12-1am on weekdays. It's a classic case of ships passing in the night. Up until the move we've had a very active sexual relationship - we have a "toy bag", outfits, and all other kinds of goodies. Since we moved in together I can count the number of times we've had sex on one, maybe two hands. Sometimes the disinterest is on my part, other times it's on hers. I realized that something was amiss when she mentioned a few nights ago that "she never really got the chance to experience things when she was younger" because she was dating me. I, according to her, had the chance to do "a lot", but she hasn't. As a result, she wants my permission to let her have sex with another guy. "It'll be a one-time thing, I just want to do it" she says. "If you say no, I won't. But I'd like to". I told her I needed some time to think about it. She told me "I know you aren't going anywhere, and neither am I, so if you want to have sex with other girls you can". Very nice thought, but as all guys know, it's a lot easier for a girl to walk into a bar and say "Hey, guys, who wants to have no-strings-attached sex with me for one night only?" than it is for a guy to do the same thing. Being of the mindset I am, open to new things, I thought that perhaps swinging would be the next best thing to giving my permission outright for her to have sex with another guy. That way, we both have fun, but we know what's going on and there isn't that chance of things getting ugly later on. She wasn't interested. So, that took that off the table. So here I am, not sure exactly what I should do, but knowing that something has to be done regardless. Tonight she's going out alone for the first time since I've known her - she said she wanted to do this with other people, because she's "afraid she'll get bored with going out with me". I'm worried because she isn't experienced at all with drinking - every time she drinks she gets very, very horny... which I don't like the idea of happening if I'm not around. I know that I can control myself, but the question is if she can control herself. I'm already contemplating booking a ticket for the day after tomorrow for Amsterdam. She doesn't like the idea of me going to Europe on such short notice, as I told her the next time I went I'd bring her along, but I feel that maybe a week apart might do us good. I'll have my fun, she can have hers, and everything will be good. It will be my 7th time back in Amsterdam in the past 6 years, but only my 2nd since I've been dating her (yeah, I know, I know.. but I love travel). So, what are your opinions?
norajane Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 She started working nights at a club, she's going drinking without you, she's regretting not having had sex with other guys before you, she's asked you if she can have sex with other guys and she's told you that it's ok for you to have sex with other women. All signs point to her having sex with some guy soon, whether you agree to it or not. I don't see how you going to Amsterdam will help. It's not that she wants a week away from you - it's that she wants to have sex with other guys because she was 16 when you met and she hasn't experienced a lot of other guys. It may be time for the two of you to break up and see if you want to get back together some time in the future, after you've both had a chance to go out with other people. I honestly don't see how she will just stop wanting to experience other men - so either you break up, you have an open relationship where both of you are free to have sex with other people, or she will cheat on you...one of those nights she's out drinking...
oppath Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 dude, this sucks. Basically, she is not the same person she was 4 years ago, and she is recognizing that she expects to change more over the next couple years. she wants to experience new things. Quite honestly, if I were with a woman and she wanted that, I'd be out the door. I'm also a little bit older, 27, and have gotten my own playing the field out of my system. Maybe you breaking up with her, and giving her the space to miss you and learn what it is like without you will result in her realizing what she has. I do not think allowing her to party and have sex with another guy is the way to go. Let her do that, but let her do it ON HER OWN. Don't be in her corner. Tell her "if that is what you need, and you won't consider swinging so it can be a shared experience, then we are breaking up. Go do what you need to do, because it is not fair for me to have to deal with your curiousness about other people. I can't support it and it makes me feel insecure about our relationship that you even ask; therefore, we need to break up."
tanbark813 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I agree with NJ 100%. She's going to bang someone else, you just need to decide whether or not you're okay with that. But the more important question is: How the hell can you afford to go to Amsterdam 7 times in 6 years while attending college? Sign me up for that gig.
rocketpixie Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I agree with the previous posters. It is time for you two to go your separate ways for now. She sounds like she is ready to sleep with someone else. Perhaps when she's done playing the field you two can start dating again as the different people you are and redefine your relationship later. But she's changed from the beginning of the relationship (which sounds natural since she was pretty young) and that change doesn't sound compatible with your current relationship.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Time to hit the eject button and limit your liability!
Green Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 well as far as going to amsterdam he either is good at saving up money... has some one like a parent giving him money... or is doing it on some sort of credit. I agree your gf is going to have sex with some one else at this point no matter what you do things have been set into motion. You should probably break up with her. Since she wants to do the entire swinging thing its to bad she cant bring any girls home for you, that should be a requirement that way she helps you get laid before this whole thing goes to heck. Try doing what that guy in Nip/Tuck did and trade your gf for money or something hahah pimp it be like I found the perfect guy for you to have sex with mean while its one of you friends who gave you some money maybe alot depending on how hot she is.. You pretty much have to break up, the only kind of open relationship I would be in is the kind where I get to have other people and she agrees to be just mine
LoveLace Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 She says she "isn't going anywhere", but it also asking your permission to do just that! If she feels such a strong need to explore sex with other guys, you should just break up, because even though she says it'd be ok for you to hook up with other girls, this kind of a deal always ends up too complicated and someone ends up too jealous. I don't think it's a solution to the problem, it would only be adding to the problem in my opinion. In reality, there are only 2 ways to go here: you can give her an ultimatum to choose b/tween you and "experience"...but if she chooses you, there's the risk that she'll eventually resent you for it. If she chooses experience, tell her that's a one-way road so there won't be any coming back to you -- for any reason. Maturity-wise you 2 have reached the point where you are no longer in the same place; she isn't ready to settle down as much as you are. And if your a good boyfriend, you should have no problem finding a woman who would gladly be yours and only yours. Easier said than done, but I think it's time to cut her loose.
woodsfield Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 But the more important question is: How the hell can you afford to go to Amsterdam 7 times in 6 years while attending college? Sign me up for that gig. yeah, i missed that part of college too. Jerbs: i think you need to decide for yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life thinking about some cat(s) your gf (possibly wife) banged when she turned 21 because you "let her", or tell her that it's just you or the highway. already sounds like she has a guy lined up or maybe she's already been doing him at the bar. either way, i'd be pissed if she asked me the same thing, no matter the age difference. like you said, it will be easier for her to find dudes than you chicks. if you go off searching and come back, you will have to deal with her getting screwed by other dudes, no matter how many chicks you get. IMO, swinging is just gross. i wouldn't even think of it MYSELF.
Green Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 yeah, i missed that part of college too. Jerbs: i think you need to decide for yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life thinking about some cat(s) your gf (possibly wife) banged when she turned 21 because you "let her", or tell her that it's just you or the highway. already sounds like she has a guy lined up or maybe she's already been doing him at the bar. either way, i'd be pissed if she asked me the same thing, no matter the age difference. like you said, it will be easier for her to find dudes than you chicks. if you go off searching and come back, you will have to deal with her getting screwed by other dudes, no matter how many chicks you get. IMO, swinging is just gross. i wouldn't even think of it MYSELF. yeah man up if some girl I was into started talking about banging other guys id be pissed and let her know. I get pissed if some girl I know even hangs out with some other guys let alone talks about sex with them
Minxy Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I was with my exb/f for 7 yrs .. we had been together for 5yrs and i did the same thing she is doing now. We had the whole talk about how i settled down to young, and felt the need for experience .... he gave me permission to do it (21yrs old at the time) as long as he never found out. It worked for a while. I cheated on him for about 6mths ..... 2yrs later we split up. Not because i got caught but simply we grew apart and no longer loved each other. I saw the permission thing as him not really caring that much about are relationship. Slowly everything just fell apart I was young and stupid .... i wouldn't allow it if i were you. She will lose respect for you and the relationship (Just my experience)
tanbark813 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I was young and stupid .... i wouldn't allow it if i were you. She will lose respect for you and the relationship If he says no she'll just do it behind his back. At least she's giving him fair warning.
LoveLace Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 If he says no she'll just do it behind his back. At least she's giving him fair warning. Exactly why this is probably a no-win situation. She'll cheat with or without his permission. Either way the relationship is in trouble.
jcster Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 You have 2 choices. 1. go along with her proposal and let her goof around on you. 2. tell her that it's impossible and that it's obvious that she isn't ready for a committed relationship - in other words: break up. If you go with #1 - you will eventually break up and it will be ugly and over forever. There's no way that she will ever respect you again for going along with her request to see other people. If you go with #2, you might have a chance later to reconnect with her. It's a long shot, since she's going to change a lot in the next few years, but at least she'll still respect you.
Green Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 You have 2 choices. 1. go along with her proposal and let her goof around on you. 2. tell her that it's impossible and that it's obvious that she isn't ready for a committed relationship - in other words: break up. If you go with #1 - you will eventually break up and it will be ugly and over forever. There's no way that she will ever respect you again for going along with her request to see other people. If you go with #2, you might have a chance later to reconnect with her. It's a long shot, since she's going to change a lot in the next few years, but at least she'll still respect you. Those are pretty much ur 2 options go with option #2, heck she might even say forget it and not do it, but even if u do really break up u'll save face, std's, baby confusion if she gets pregnant.... just break up
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