Fallen_Angel Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I've met my fair share of schmucks over the past 2+ years, so I was pleasantly surprised when I met a sweet, polite guy at a bar two Saturdays ago. Okay, so maybe the shirt I was wearing was cut a little too low (I'm small and don't have anything to show off anyhow!)... Anyway, we talked for a little while and then went to another bar to meet up with a few of his friends. We were getting along really well; he kept smiling at me and we were both laughing and whatnot. He even held my hand when we walked back to my car. I drove him and his roommate home since I was going past that area and they didn't have a ride. Next thing I know we're in his room and clothes are removed. Basically we did everything but have sex. I knew he wanted to, but I told him I wanted to wait. Part of me knew I should have stopped earlier, but I felt really comfortable with him. Earlier in the night he talked about going out again, but of course since I'm so paranoid/overanalytical, after all was said and done the next day I figured he just said that to get in my pants. But to my absolute wonderment and surprise, he called Wednesday. We were both busy this past weekend so we're going out this weekend. Half of me is ecstatic. I've only been on a handful of dates since my ex broke up with me eons ago because I keep finding jerks who don't want to date, and to some extent I was shying away from "nice" guys because I wasn't attracted/didn't want to get hurt again. Now I found a seemingly nice guy who I'm actually attracted to! But the other half of me is, as per usual, paranoid. Did he only call because he wants to finish what we started the other night? I do too, of course, but I don't want it to turn into THAT (because I've had enough of the FWB/booty call lifestyle, thank you very much). I want to date and see what happens. I don't know any of the "rules" though (do you tell him you're busy, blah blah blah - and why bother with those games anyway?! Shouldn't you be honest?!). What if I lose his interest, what if I'm not "pretty enough", etc. etc. etc... I've always had confidence issues. Every time I think I've made some headway, I end up falling further back. I want to be calm and be myself (well, minus the paranoia!) How do I keep the demons, so to speak, at bay? And did I doom things from the start? (I'm promising myself to keep my pants on this time!)
CaliGuy Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 If he wants you for you, he won't persist to have sex. Tell him up front you want to get to know him better and sex is out of the question until you're comfortable. If he high tails it, you have your answer. If not, maybe it will be a blissful relationship.
Pyro Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I agree with CG on this one. Unfortunately and IMO, at this point I really do think that he is in it for one thing. He came so close to getting sex from you that he probably just wants to finish the job, but hopefully I am wrong and he takes the time and effort to get to know you for who you are and will want more from you then just sex. Keep us updated.
MystifiedByMen Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I agree with CG on this one. Unfortunately and IMO, at this point I really do think that he is in it for one thing. He came so close to getting sex from you that he probably just wants to finish the job, but hopefully I am wrong and he takes the time and effort to get to know you for who you are and will want more from you then just sex. Keep us updated. This makes me ask the question, How long do guys really wait around if they get none because a girl wants to wait? If he likes her, how long will he wait? If he just wants sex, how long before he gets bored and moves on?
CaliGuy Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 This makes me ask the question, How long do guys really wait around if they get none because a girl wants to wait? If he likes her, how long will he wait? If he just wants sex, how long before he gets bored and moves on? Trust me, if the guy is insisting on sex right away, that's all he is after. If he really cares about you and wants to get to know you for the long term, he'll wait as long as it takes.
MystifiedByMen Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Well, most guys don't insist anything verbally really. It's basically what they are thinking and not saying. As a woman, it's hard to weed out the ones who have good intentions from the ones who don't in the beginning. I guess, maybe there are signs that the guys with bad intentions may put off?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Trust me, if the guy is insisting on sex right away, that's all he is after. If he really cares about you and wants to get to know you for the long term, he'll wait as long as it takes. i agree, i think caliguy is right on. i've even had a guy insist on being my friend first (after we had sex once, so it wasn't really "first" but we both were a little tipsy so whatever ) and then we had a relationship for quite a while even after the friendly/semi-romantic thing, and i was the one who ended up ending it. he wouldn't have. so i say anything is possible. just like not all women are the same, not all men are the same....they aren't all looking for sex and only sex, even if most of them are, or it just seems that way.
CaliGuy Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Well, most guys don't insist anything verbally really. It's basically what they are thinking and not saying. As a woman, it's hard to weed out the ones who have good intentions from the ones who don't in the beginning. I guess, maybe there are signs that the guys with bad intentions may put off? Confident, self-assured women will easily be able to weed out the bad men from the good. Simply ask yourself "Does he care WHAT I am or WHO I am?" When you can answer that effectively you can easily weed out the bad apples.
MystifiedByMen Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Confident, self-assured women will easily be able to weed out the bad men from the good. Simply ask yourself "Does he care WHAT I am or WHO I am?" When you can answer that effectively you can easily weed out the bad apples. Well, my ex and I were in a LTR for 6 years. I took a year off from relationships and figured out my life, almost done with school, moving to a new place this week.. and I think I'm ready now for a new relationship. I'm confident, and self assured in all aspects in my life but putting myself out there and trusting a new potential guy. Maybe I'm a lil rusty?
MystifiedByMen Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 i agree, i think caliguy is right on. i've even had a guy insist on being my friend first (after we had sex once, so it wasn't really "first" but we both were a little tipsy so whatever ) and then we had a relationship for quite a while even after the friendly/semi-romantic thing, and i was the one who ended up ending it. he wouldn't have. so i say anything is possible. just like not all women are the same, not all men are the same....they aren't all looking for sex and only sex, even if most of them are, or it just seems that way. I agree, sometimes it does feel as though that's all they are looking for! But, I know there are some good ones out there. Probably lots!
spookie Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I'm in a similar situation. I met the guy I am seeing in the same way, and we went just as fast the first night. He called me, we went out again on a nice long nonsexual date (7 hours) followed by a night of more nakedness at his house... and though I was comfortable with everything that went on, in a lot of ways I feel the same insecurities you do. In my opinion sex and like are unrelated, so there is no need to feel bad about what happened. But, if you want committed sexual things in the future, you just have to wait until that's what you have. With this guy, try to take it easy and just see how things progress.... I wouldn't write him off just yet. What you did wasn't wrong and it doesn't make him a bad person for being involved. I am not sure how interested my guy is in me, but I know most if his interest is not related to wanting to sleep with me. That was obvious to me both our first night, when I still doubted whether he was really who he was pretending to be, and thereafter. With time you will be able to tell. I know it's easier said than done, but just don't obsess and try to have fun.
Krytie TV Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Trust me, if the guy is insisting on sex right away, that's all he is after. If he really cares about you and wants to get to know you for the long term, he'll wait as long as it takes. I hear you, but I agree with the other poster. Most guys don't verbally ask for sex, but will take it when it comes. How can anyone possibly blame this guy based on the information given for anything. She took her clothes off the same night they met... what do you want from him? Her taking her clothes off does not necessarily mean that he is only in this for sex. But even if he is he may not ask for it. From what I read, he may not even have to, she may do it for him. But really, this guy is in an unfair no-win situation. If he doesn't call, he only wanted sex. If he does call, he's only in it for sex. Ummm... what exactly are his options... I'm confused?
FrequentFlyer Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 this guy is in an unfair no-win situation. If he doesn't call, he only wanted sex. If he does call, he's only in it for sex. Ummm... what exactly are his options... I'm confused? I'm also confused. Now, I'm sure there will be others who will disagree, but you set the "yardstick" pretty low on the first meet...you took your clothes off, hon. I'm sure that will be the new bar...it's expected that your clothes WILL be coming off again on date #2. And from his perspective, hopefully more will be happening. Just my .02
lino Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I'm also confused. Now, I'm sure there will be others who will disagree, but you set the "yardstick" pretty low on the first meet...you took your clothes off, hon. I'm sure that will be the new bar...it's expected that your clothes WILL be coming off again on date #2. And from his perspective, hopefully more will be happening. Just my .02 I agree. From what the OP says, she wanted to be in that situation just as much as him.
tanbark813 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I agree with Kry. The guy didn't do anything wrong (nor did you, FA). He even made a follow-up call so he's probably interested. Did he only call because he wants to finish what we started the other night? I do too, of course, but I don't want it to turn into THAT So why are you assuming the guy wants it to turn into "THAT"?
Author Fallen_Angel Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 But really, this guy is in an unfair no-win situation. If he doesn't call, he only wanted sex. If he does call, he's only in it for sex. Ummm... what exactly are his options... I'm confused? You're absolutely right. I guess we do put guys in an unfair position, because I was definitely thinking this. Since my last relationship ended I've been in one FWB situation after another and I guess I got used to the ebb and flow of such things (ie. obviously things are physical from the start, etc.) When I drove him home I had no intention of letting things go as far as they did. But I went with my gut and got a little carried away. So he has every right to think that things will only continue along that line, although I'm not about to let that happen. I'm currently obsessing over the right outfit and whatnot and am strongly considering a burka/chastity belt combination. Tan, I'm only assuming based off the types of guys I've met recently. I could be totally wrong about him maybe wanting a casual FWB scenario, and if I am I couldn't be happier. And CG, I <heart> you. You have a way of putting things very clearly!
CaliGuy Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 And CG, I <heart> you. You have a way of putting things very clearly! Thanks. I'll take all the I can get (Flattery gets you everwhere with me! lol)
CaliGuy Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I hear you, but I agree with the other poster. Most guys don't verbally ask for sex, but will take it when it comes. How can anyone possibly blame this guy based on the information given for anything. She took her clothes off the same night they met... what do you want from him? Her taking her clothes off does not necessarily mean that he is only in this for sex. But even if he is he may not ask for it. From what I read, he may not even have to, she may do it for him. But really, this guy is in an unfair no-win situation. If he doesn't call, he only wanted sex. If he does call, he's only in it for sex. Ummm... what exactly are his options... I'm confused? I'm not absolving either of them. I guess my point is, if you want to know if a man is interested in you for sex or for a relationship, abstain from sex. That will give you the answer In her case, the next one that comes along that she's really interested in she should abstain until she's sure he's in it for the long haul. I know a lot of people disagree with that philosophy but when you start relationships with sex, that is mostly what they'll be based on. Taking the time to get to know someone before you hop in the sack is just common sense.
Ruthieo01 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 [COLOR=black]I am in the exact same situation you are in. Well the guy that I almost had sex with I've have know my whole life! Which only makes things worse. But the weird thing, is that we have hit the point of dating/being more than friends about 6 times. So last night, I told myself that I didn't care how uncomfortable it might make things I totally put my self out there. Not in a sluty way but in a dating way. So when we broke the touching barrier and got comfortable. I didn't stop him from kissing me. This was last night and I am hoping to hear from him again. I don't want him to think that I am the type of girl who is just going to give it to him. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]My opinion is that I let my feelings show. Who can honestly say " I like you and I am attracted to you, but I don't want to have sex with you or anything physical for that matter." Everyone want to be intimate with another person. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]What is done is done, if he calls and is genuine Great! Go with it, if your interested. If he turns out to be a jerk then "Next please" [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]This is what makes the dating world so freaking difficult. [/COLOR]
daphne Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I know a lot of people disagree with that philosophy but when you start relationships with sex, that is mostly what they'll be based on. Taking the time to get to know someone before you hop in the sack is just common sense. I agree. And those that say differently believe in Santa Claus too.
Krytie TV Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I agree. And those that say differently believe in Santa Claus too. What... there's no Santa Claus?
tanbark813 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 What... there's no Santa Claus? I used to believe in Santa Claus but he only wanted sex.
Krytie TV Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I used to believe in Santa Claus but he only wanted sex. Just can't trust anyone anymore. Men... they're all the same, even if they don't exist.
Sleek Geek Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I used to believe in Santa Claus but he only wanted sex. LOL I know what I'm putting on my list for Christmas!
Author Fallen_Angel Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 The good news is that last night we had a fabulous first date. The bad news is that my chastity belt/burkha plan failed and we pretty much did everything we did the last time. He did the whole hold-my-hand thing again, and opened doors and such too. He's new to the area and I've lived here my whole life, but he wanted his choice of restaurant to be a surprise, which I thought was so sweet. We talked a lot about a zillion different things (even what I thought to be taboo first date topics like previous relationships, though we didn't talk about these in too much detail). He found it a little tough to believe that I hadn't been on a real date in so long - all the jerks I've dealt with recently considered hanging out at the bar a date, I suppose. We ended up at a bar a little later and he started to apologize, referencing my earlier comment about those jerks and I quickly reminded him the major difference is that he's making an actual attempt to get to know me. He smiled at me all night just like he did before, which definitely made me swoon. He says he's shy but he's so easy to talk to. After a while we met up with a bunch of his friends at a different bar. (Two of them recently became engaged.) I guess I was trying too hard to help the girl celebrate, or I should have moved farther away from the bar, because before I knew it I was drunk. I have vague recollections of the ride back to his house. Then we fooled around again. I told him again that I wanted to wait and I'm almost POSITIVE I told him I like him - the thought kept running through my mind and of course the alcohol loosened my tongue. And then I passed out for a while. D'oh. I woke up right around sunrise and had to go home. I think I told him I had a really good time (I really did!) and hopefully I apologized for being a silly drunk...hehe. I believe his exact words were something like "you call me OR I'll call you" so nothing definite. Ahhhh. Commence my overanalyzation. Oddly enough it turns out he was pretty drunk when we first hung out (so he says), though I really couldn't tell. Hmmm. Now what?!?
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