jan22 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I don't have many people I can talk to about this, so I'm hopeful someone here would kindly offer some advice. I've been seeing my guy for the past few months, we live 2 hours away from each other but stay in contact very frequently and see each other often. Things have been going extremely well, although the 2 year anniversary of his partner's death just passed, so he wants to take things slow. I'm fine with that. However, yesterday I found out he is actively looking for sex from other people. I calmly asked him about it, and he said he only has exclusive sex when he enters into a monogamous relationship. Granted we never *did* have a conversation regarding exclusivity (i had simply assumed), but it has thrown me for a loop, as we've talked about our plans together extending into the future. He is incredibly loving and sweet, but the fact he considers random sex acceptable, despite telling me he "needs time" and wants to take things slow, is causing me some pain, and I don't know what to do. I said it bothered me, but he refrained from saying he wouldn't do it again. I've voiced my concern about this behavior once. Do I do it again, and say I will leave if pursuing random sex continues? Or do I wait until more time passes from the anniversary of his previous partner's death, before insisting we go monogamous? -very confused
Cobra_X30 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Crap! You need to choose! Can you handle a non-monogamous relationship? If not can you handle dumping him?
vivi Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 You'd better get yourself tested for STD's. And you need to decide if you can handle a Friends with Benefits situation, because that's what you have. If you want monogamy and he doesn't, you must decide if you can continue. meanwhile, you might cut off his talk about the future, because that's an empty promise....you can't assume anything with this person. and frankly, if he's into random sex this early in your relationship, he's either not that into you or he's a player. I sniff trouble!
Author jan22 Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 I cannot handle a non-monogamous relationship, and told him it bothers me greatly. However he did tell me that he wants to be absolutely sure I am the one before making the big decision, and he doesn't want to make that choice "half heartedly." He is open to being monogamous with me, but said he needs to sort things out in his head first. We have discussed eventually moving in together, marriage, kids, we are very much interested in each other. So it's hard for me. I would be devastated after dumping him.
norajane Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Stop having sex with him. Continue to go out on dates and get to know each other better, but stop having sex with him until (if) he's ready to commit to a monogamous relationship with you. Stick to it and you'll find out if you're just another one of his sex partners or if he's really interested in a relationship with you.
Trialbyfire Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 In line with your title, tell him to pursue it without you or to remain monogamous. His choice, your action.
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Break up with him. You are falling for him and he isn't ready to committ to you or anyone else. He wants to play the field and still see you? Uhhhh, no. This is a very clear choice. I'm sorry that you're hurting, but if you stay with him, you'll hurt more.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I cannot handle a non-monogamous relationship, and told him it bothers me greatly. However he did tell me that he wants to be absolutely sure I am the one before making the big decision, and he doesn't want to make that choice "half heartedly." He is open to being monogamous with me, but said he needs to sort things out in his head first. Thats very noble of him! So many guys just jump right into an exclusive relationship, without really looking around and seeing what is available! I think that you too may be rushing into monogamy! Perhaps you should inform him that you would also like to play the field, just to make sure that he is "the one"!
MystifiedByMen Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Thats very noble of him! So many guys just jump right into an exclusive relationship, without really looking around and seeing what is available! I think that you too may be rushing into monogamy! Perhaps you should inform him that you would also like to play the field, just to make sure that he is "the one"! I agree, and notice how he reacts if you tell him you want to play the field. Would be interesting for you to know. And if he's ok with it, date others, and cut sex off with him but continue to see him. Show him he can't have it all unless he invests all to you.
Author jan22 Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 I go back and forth with each post. Dump him, give him the benefit of the doubt, dump him, give him the benefit of the doubt. What's worse is that he's out of the country for two weeks, so I cannot have the conversation with him in person.
norajane Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Benefit of what doubt? There's no doubt he's looking for other women to have sex with - you know that for sure.
Trialbyfire Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 You decide what you're willing to put up with. For some, monogamy is a hard boundary. For others, it's not that important. Myself, if a relationship isn't exclusive, I won't even think about sleeping with someone nvm accepting that my partner is hooking up with others. I have to be the priority in someone's life, not the one of many. I'd rather walk than accept an arrangement like that. If you're like I am, you will also be willing to risk it and know that you could easily lose the guy in the process. Oh well, there are millions of fish where that one came from. *shrugs*
MystifiedByMen Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Benefit of what doubt? There's no doubt he's looking for other women to have sex with - you know that for sure. OR maybe he already has and liked it. so, he'd thought he ask if it's ok with you before he decided to move on 'to figure things out'. Just me, but I 'd wonder what my guy was up to and what brought this on...
Cobra_X30 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 If you're like I am, you will also be willing to risk it and know that you could easily lose the guy in the process. Oh well, there are millions of fish where that one came from. *shrugs* You snap your fingers and the fish jump onto your net! Some girls have to drag thier bait all over the pond!
MystifiedByMen Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 You snap your fingers and the fish jump onto your net! Some girls have to drag thier bait all over the pond! most guys too. and he seems he could be one of them.
Trialbyfire Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 You snap your fingers and the fish jump onto your net! Some girls have to drag thier bait all over the pond! That's not true and even if it was, give me some credit for being selective.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 That's not true and even if it was, give me some credit for being selective. LOL... That was a comment on your ability to attract men... and how! Nothing to do with which ones you throw back!
Trialbyfire Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 LOL... That was a comment on your ability to attract men... and how! Nothing to do with which ones you throw back! I'm going to smack you... It's not that bad.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I'm going to smack you... It's not that bad. Smack me? I'm not that way! Seriously Jan22, I used to work with a girl in your situation... she stayed with him... had a baby... married him. Nothing could make him stop cheating! Last I heard from her... they had decided to start swinging, for him not her!
Author jan22 Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Thanks for the advice everyone. We had a talk. I said no sex from me if he is having it with others. He said he respected that. If he doesn't commit, he never liked me as much as I thought he did, and I'll move on knowing it wouldn't have worked out. I am now relaxed
Cad Rake Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 wow, you relax easily. Glad you guys worked it out. I personally won't limit myself to one woman until there's a ring on my finger. I assume he's the same. My momma always said, "Date LOTS of women."
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