georgejungle Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I have the feeling that if my wife had it her way, we'd grow old together and not have to have social contact with anyone else other than our Parents for the occasional dinner or birthday. First off, i Love Her. I'm mad about her. I treat her really good, i'm patient, caring, i love providing for her, etc. she's mad about me. We get along so good, like best friends in love. She's caring, loving, silly, fun, adventurous, playful and just really fun to be around. But only when it's Just Us. Forget about asking her to come with me out to dinner with a friend and his wife. She'd be WAY too uncomfortable... Uncomfortable to the point of silence that comes off as Rude on her part. She even turns down her nice friend at work, Cindy who asks her out to lunch or a concert every now and then, because she doesn't feel "cool" enough. Can't seem to shake her of these self esteem issues, no matter how much I try to encourage her or How much i write it, say it, show it, etc. I can understand her behavior because i myself was very shy as a teenager. But i've outgrown a lot of that stuff. My friends are not loud, rude or agressive, so no one has ever made her feel uncomfortable, i've asked her. She's just so afraid to be out among them. I'm starting to resent her self-concious behavior and my own behavior towards putting up with it and letting it slide. I'm getting tired of coming up with excuses to my friends for why my wife didn't come or why we couldn't make it. I tip toe around the subject, because she's so sensitive about it and half the time (my own fault) I ignore or or shrug it off, out of pity i guess. It's frustrating because it only has to do with people either close to me or her. Nothing to do with the general public, she's not shy about laughing out loud in a public restaurant, or acting silly out on the street. And the self-esteem issues are becoming a tad annoying, she's beautiful. People tell her all the time. I'm trying to handle it with care and love, but it's rough. i'm frustrated.
rocketpixie Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Does she complain if you decide to go somewhere without her? I don't mean this to be funny, but maybe she needs some counseling. There has got to be a reason for her self esteem issues. It seems like this is really bothering you, so you will need to talk about this with her. If your friends enjoy her company, tell her that. Get her to dress up in whatever makes her feel her most confident and after the social interactions, complement her on what she does well. Maybe you and your friends could go out and do something she likes?
Curmudgeon Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 She's just so afraid to be out among them. I'm starting to resent her self-concious behavior and my own behavior towards putting up with it and letting it slide. It's less her behavior that's endangering your relationship and more your resentment. Was she this way while you were dating? If so, how did you cope with and handle it then? If not, what do you think has changed? Is she actually afraid or is she merely uncomfortable and not willing to subject herself to that. My wife and I are not very social and prefer one anothers' company to that of others. However, since we both work /worked in politics we've had to attend numerous social events. We learned how to "work" a room, schmooze with the best of them then leave after a short period of time with everyone feeling like they'd gotten our attention and spent time with us. It was kind of a "fake it 'til you make it" thing. Maybe she can learn to go into character and do the same. If your wife won't explore her discomfort with you then I think she could benefit from some counseling to get to the root of it. If that's not something she'll agree to then you have to decide if you can accomodate her without resenting her. If it's a matter of smother-love for you then it will decidedly and negatively affect your marriage over the long-haul. Good luck!
Micke81 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I understand how your wife is feeling. I get that way too, although maybe not as severe. You need to talk to her about working on it. And before you get bright idea, "working on it" doesn't mean that you force her to go out and "see what happens". You give her armour to take with her. Before you go out with someone, and this should be no more than the two of you and one other couple, give her something that she can talk about with them. First of all, in some social experiment that was done, people ranked people that asked them questions and talked very little about themselves as much more interesting than people that did most of the talking. When I heard this I sighed a HUGE sigh of relief. I HATE talking in groups as I'm always scared I'll say the wrong thing, sound stupid, or generally say something that someone at the table disagrees with. So, reassure her that she doesn't have to do much talking, and do some exercises where she learns how to ask questions, and/or subtly shift the conversation to you or back to them. If she asks questions, she definitely won't come out as rude. What kind of questions? Of course this depends on the people that you are going out with, but some ones for someone you've just met: 1. Name? 2. Where did you grow up? Where do you live now? 3. Do you have pets? 4. Do you have a family? 5. What kind of job do you do? Is it hard/interesting/fun...? 6. Have you traveled anywhere interesting? And come up with some follow-up questions. Also, since lots of people take there questions to ask you from what you've just asked them, make sure she has thought of the answers herself, so she will be able to pre-think answers she is comfortable with. For now, steer away from questions about politics, religion, or basically anything controversial. Try and keep conversation in the "no wrong answer" zone for now. Of course if you know about the answers to the questions above already, she can start with the follow-up questions. Like, "Jim tells me you went to Hawaii last year, how was it?" Things of that nature. Have patience with your wife. It's very scary. Keep the groups as small as possible and run some of these question drills. I bet she wished that she was better in groups and with your support it will improve.
2sunny Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 i agree with the suggestions for conversations listed above me. if your wife understands that this can be engaging conversation and make others feel comfortable, she will enjoy herself much more. also, you may want to consider inviting another couple to your house for dinner. that way she is in her own comfort zone and may be more open to enjoy their company if you go out to dinner or a movie in the future. find out how to make her comfortable and then work your social life from there. also - have her read that book called - how to win friends and influence people - by Dale Carnegie- it's very insightful and simplistic.
IamASelfishSOB Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Are you sure you're not married to my wife? We have some of the very same issues. Perhaps not as severe as yours, but it is a big issue in our marriage. She would truly prefer to always stay home and do nothing. I need other people. I need other's senses of humor and intellectual conversation. I like to have fun. I also am resentful of this and she has recognized this and has started to make some changes. I told her that I would literally go out with anyone she desired. I want her to be comfortable. Just set it up and I'll do it. I truly appreciate her efforts.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 Each person in a relationship or marriage NEEDS to have 'their' time. Whether it be doing a hobby, relaxing, seeing friends, going out with friends...Spending time apart is healthy. Spending too much time together and making eachother the only source of support, fun and entertainment is not healthy...Putting all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my friends! I like my time to myself, as does my husband. Man, if we spend TOO much time together, I go squirrelly and he drives me nuts. I know too, I get on his nerves too. GeorgeJ, your wife needs to find other things to do, make friends and spend time doing things that she does independantly. I hope once she spends time doing things she likes to do either on her own, or with some girl friends, she'll realize SHE will be happier and not have to rely on you for everything.
NYCmitch25 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 While I agree that your relationship resentment can fester and perhaps ultimately act as a catylist for it's destuction, I think you got into the marriage knowing that this was an issue. This is certianly something you can both work through - but not alone. I think in a very tactful way you discuss it with her, perhaps post here what she has said. Also speak with a professional, seek methods for how to approach this and how to get her to seek help. Look into insurance discounts and so forth - hopefully you aren't one of the 90 million Americans without insurance. She probably has an anxiety disorder (or not), it's not a big deal, a lot of people have them to some degree. What she will need is that friend she married and not the fustrated hubby you'd probably rather be.. :-) Thats my 2 cents.. have a good night ..
popey Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I have this issue with my sister. She is such a great time, but has some sort of anxiety disorder. I have to say, while admittedly I don't understand how it feels to be them; I can say that for me, it would go a long way if my partner wanted to work out an issue together with a counselor (which it sounds to me might be beneficial). The relationship you describe in the first part of your post, sounds like something many of us strive for and/or envy. So build off of that, and make sure she knows from you expressly that this is where you are coming from. Work on the situation together. A difference that you want to work on to find a happy medium. And remember that she probably hates the situation even more than you do.
Author georgejungle Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 I can't tell you all how much i appreciate your thoughts and advice. Sincerely, It means a lot. I'm going to be her friend in this, like I have been. I want to be patient and not let the resentment ruin anything. Yes I knew she was a little bit shy when I met her. But it just seems like it's gotten worse. I hear a lot of self-concious talk from her tons more than I used to. She talks down on herself a lot and I only ever tell her how great she is, how beautiful she is, how much i appreciate her, but she'd rather look at the Negative side of things ALWAYS. Ho Hum, well, Again I'm taking the hard caring road to help her out.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 If she is having anxiety, or is agrophobic, encourage her to seek cognitive behaviour therapy. It specializes in dealing with people who suffer from anxiety disorders and it does help! I am walking proof! I saw a therapist for 2 years because of my anxiety disorder.
Meaplus3 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Are you sure you're not married to my wife? We have some of the very same issues. Perhaps not as severe as yours, but it is a big issue in our marriage. She would truly prefer to always stay home and do nothing. I need other people. I need other's senses of humor and intellectual conversation. I like to have fun. I also am resentful of this and she has recognized this and has started to make some changes. I told her that I would literally go out with anyone she desired. I want her to be comfortable. Just set it up and I'll do it. I truly appreciate her efforts. Oh gosh SOB I can relate! Except I am a Wife who's H alway's want's to stay home! I on the other hand love people and life. I desire to be out there any chance I can get. This is why I why I need to make a change. I am just so lonely. AP:)
Recommended Posts