Msblueyes Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 My boyfriend & I are having a talk this evening. Do I bring up the "past" of two weeks where he made a pass at two of my girlfriends? The fact that he was talking to other people about wanting to move out? Or I was thinking to let him speak his mind first and take it from there. The propositioning of my friends made me psycho saturday and I threw him out. Maybe not in the best way but I was furious. He knows how I feel about monogomy. Do I ask him if this issue means he wants to see other people, try the greener grass & then he should have his own place. My mother said if we just started being friends, instead of boyfriend/girlfriend, let him pay his half of the rent/bills & not worry about it. We've been together over seven years. He's 40, I'm 45. I've been married, had children, a wonderful home & an exhusband (doctor) who cheated on me with his nurse & had a baby and then got a divorce from me. My boyfriend was a bartender for 15-20 years, came to florida & got a substance addiction problem & left rehab two months ago. I'm wondering now, maybe our baggage either too much or after spending my money, it's time to go for him onto the next rich lady. He's been in/out of work for the past three years due to drugs. Just started a new one, which he loves but has nothing saved, of course. He has been good taking care of his share of things but demanded money before taking a hotel room on Sat/Sun evening. That's his background and it's not too impressive at the moment, I know. I guess if I get no answers before 5...no computer home....I will do my best to sit, listen & think. I know the world will not end; my heart is still breaking.
Spinderella Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I dont really think its something you could call "past", when its the reason that your relationship is not working, and only happened in the last two weeks. I also think its probably not worth talking about, because this guy sounds like he is incapable of having a relationship with you, and I dont know what he is like, but will probably try to deny he did anything. Do you WANT to be friends with him at the moment? It sounds as though you are still in love with him and your heart is breaking, it would be pretty hard to be friends with someone who you felt this way with. I would say that he almost definetly wants to sleep with other people, since he tried to, behind your back. It sounds like he is treating you as a mother or something. Whats to talk about?
Illicit Angel Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 OMG! not just 1 but 2 of ur friends! Spinderella is right, he isn't the right man for you right now ... not to say that will never change. However it's doubtful, sorry ...... She is also right about it's NOT the past. You cannot trust this man. I understand you love him and have been together a significant amount of time but is this the kind of love you ask for? Do you feel you deserve so much better? and a little respect at least? If you don't ..... i would think about that, not him Is there really that much to discuss? The facts are plain and simple. (imho) Can you cope with him living in your house ..... it's your house, and you are not obliged to have him live with you (just a thought) especially if he shows so little respect for all that you have, and do for him
Author Msblueyes Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 We basically talked gently. He was very upset that when he had come home, I had both of the women in the house to confront him and he did come clean. I guess it was just an ego trip for him...it's hard to tell. He put it on the fact that I was out with my friends drinking & he doesn't like that. He did say just to relax, he knows what he did wasn't right & he was sorry. I guess I'll just let it ride at the moment & the best thing I can do is not to use drinking as a substitute for communication, cause it obviously didn't work. I don't think he wants to be around bars, really. My girlfriend said, with his recovery, it's only like substituting one drug for another; and I do agree with that. I think it's the Mars Venus thing...he couldn't understand why he apologized & came clean, but I had to make it confrontational & enraged. I'll chill for now on it.
Author Msblueyes Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 I see! So it was your fault. Cool. The blow up was and my telling him to get out was. I was wrong:sick:
Illicit Angel Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 The blow up was and my telling him to get out was. I was wrong:sick: As long as you don't make excuses for him hitting on your friends ..... no matter what that is wrong!!
Spinderella Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 He already said it was her fault because he doesnt like her going to bars, and she went to a bar. Thats why she let him back, so she is pretty much accepting that it was her fault.
Illicit Angel Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 He already said it was her fault because he doesnt like her going to bars, and she went to a bar. Thats why she let him back, so she is pretty much accepting that it was her fault. And you think that thats okay? Im pretty sure thats no excuse .... 2 wrongs don't make a right It's all good taking all the blame as long as it's realised that 2 people make a relationship, 2 people have an argument and just because she did something he dosen't like does not mean what he did was okay. Does he have the right to say you cannot go to a bar?
Spinderella Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 No I dont think its okay at all. I think she should find someone who appreciates her, and doesnt make pathetic excuses for pathetic behaviour. But she thinks its okay, by the sounds of it.
Author Msblueyes Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 And you think that thats okay? Im pretty sure thats no excuse .... 2 wrongs don't make a right It's all good taking all the blame as long as it's realised that 2 people make a relationship, 2 people have an argument and just because she did something he dosen't like does not mean what he did was okay. Does he have the right to say you cannot go to a bar? No he does not, actually, he was with me. And we were all out drinking together, he did not like it I went out the night before & got stupid. I think it has to do that my intuition knew something was up, just not what...then my girlfriend told me about him hitting on her; the week before he told me about the other one, & that he was sorry...when it came up again, it just hurt.
Author Msblueyes Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 No I dont think its okay at all. I think she should find someone who appreciates her, and doesnt make pathetic excuses for pathetic behaviour. But she thinks its okay, by the sounds of it. I don't think either of our behaviours were right, but my excuse is I would not have even had my behavior if there was no hitting on my friends. That's why things remain to be seen. If I control my actions, then he has nothing to use an excuse.
Spinderella Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I dont know, I think going to a bar is a bit different than hitting on your friends, besides which, he hit on them before you went to a bar didnt he? I can understand if he is trying not to drink anymore that he might need your support and for you to not go to bars, is that correct? Its hard to get this story straight, about when he hit on your friends. Did you have a good talk about the relationship? Does he love you, want to make it work as a serious relationship? What? Because it just doesnt sound like a proper relationship, it really sounds like you take care of him and let him off for everything he does like he cant help it or something, and he is irresponsible. I dont know, maybe Ive got this all wrong and am missing something. Should you NEED to watch your behaviour so that he has no excuses? Is the relationship so fragile that if you do anything that annoys him he will hit on your friends? Do you think the relationship is good? Do you feel there is an equal balance. Do you feel you support each other?
Illicit Angel Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Sorry im getting confused too ........ If he hit on your friend .... told you, then a week later did it again with a different friend? If so i would be very concerned! But like spinderella said we could be missing the point? If i am 'sorry'
Author Msblueyes Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 Sorry im getting confused too ........ If he hit on your friend .... told you, then a week later did it again with a different friend? If so i would be very concerned! But like spinderella said we could be missing the point? If i am 'sorry' He hit on two different girls, one he told me about, one he didn't. I'm not sure what the point is anymore either! I went nuts like ya know & told him to leave, he said I'd regret it because I wasn't in my right mind & it's true. I don't want to throw away the relationship due to miscommunication but I don't want him to hit on my friends & his excuse was I was drinking too much. OK, fine, we can eliminate that issue, that's why I'm going to take that action & see what happens.
Spinderella Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 He hit on two different girls, one he told me about, one he didn't. I'm not sure what the point is anymore either! I went nuts like ya know & told him to leave, he said I'd regret it because I wasn't in my right mind & it's true. I don't want to throw away the relationship due to miscommunication but I don't want him to hit on my friends & his excuse was I was drinking too much. OK, fine, we can eliminate that issue, that's why I'm going to take that action & see what happens. Sorry, I thought you said he hit on both of your friends on two different occasions. Once he was drunk (or you were drunk ) and once he/you was sober. Do you think his excuse my have been valid? Or are you just waiting to see what his next excuse is to catch him out?? Whats this about for you, are you hoping he will change, and think if you have a better argument than he has he will see reason and change? I dont know, it seems really pointless.
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