serendip Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I mean it does neither of us any good to keep in touch. All it does is remind us that we are not together any more and how sad it is...especially when the good times out-weigh the bad times. It's not like we will get back together...that time in our lives has passed. Why do we torment ourselves with the past. Somedays I feel like a friggin hamster running on that wheel...I keep on running but I end up no where. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds...but maybe the wounds are what makes us human and perhaps we can learn to live with them in time. I don't what's going on anymore but I grown weary of these mixed emotions.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 i don't think there is any good reason to keep in touch with an ex, unless there are children involved and it's unavoidable. once i cut people off, they're gone from my life. no phone calls, letters, IM's, nothing. dunzo. some people, many people, maybe even most people, do not do that though, or are not capable of doing that. i don't know why i am. i think it's natural to be curious about someone with whom you've spent some amount of time with. if it's starts to affect you emotionally, though, or continues for quite some time, or even into a new relationship, it's time to move on.
SuperHands Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 No not really, but i understand why we do. Before i went out with my ex, we were friends and along with her best friend (whom i still socialise with) we used to have a good laugh and do fun things. Now that it's over, I yearn to get back to that time when we were a fun little pact. But that can never happen again and it makes me really sad because i've lost a friendship i've cherished and it's limiting the friendship I have with her best friend.
Author serendip Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 That's it....I'm building a time machine.
LakesideDream Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I kept "in touch" with my cheater "ex" for over a year after the divorce. It was a huge mistake. All I accomplished was to delay my own emotional healing, and cost myself a considerable sum of money that would have been usefull in re-establishing myself financially. I thought I was being a gentleman (there was no hope of reconsiliation, she moved in with her OM/OMM the weekend I helped her move out). While I deluded myself in to believing I was compassionate, and a nice guy, she was exploiting me for the sucker I was. She knew it too. When I finally said enough is enough she literally laughed at me for being a sucker. By that time, I was reinforced for "blowing her off", not hurt by her behavior. A few years later when our adult son got into legal trouble I was unable to cooperate with her for his benifit. I forged ahead helping him myself. When she contacted me angry because she had also stepped up to help him, and he had accepted her help, and used the help for things beside his already paid legal bills she shut up quick when I told her the reason.... She had lied so much in the past I couldn't trust her.
Trialbyfire Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Keep in mind that each person has good and bad traits. You were once attracted to the good traits and if they're still present, you can establish a decent friendship with an ex, without the complexity of a romantic relationship. You have to be completely over them and they have to be worth friendship. Most of my exes have been worth friendship, so when they call, we chat and enjoy each other's company. Beyond that, fo'get about it. They are exes for good reason...
Spinderella Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I suppose that dumpers keep contacting because they want to keep the good parts of the relationship without the bits they could no longer deal with. Dumpees are usually just in denial. Or they both want to keep the comfort of having that person to talk to, usually its the person you share the most with, at the end of the day, after a bad day, fight with someone etc. Really though it just keeps you stuck.
CaliGuy Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I kept "in touch" with my cheater "ex" for over a year after the divorce. It was a huge mistake. All I accomplished was to delay my own emotional healing Bingo! There's no reason to stay in touch with an ex whatsoever (unless you have kids). No stalking them, no reading their myspace, no wondering what they are up to. All you are in doing in the process of keeping tabs on them is living in and regretting the past. You can't possibly move forward towards your future if you're always stuck looking at the past. The bible explains it as "You can not till a field if you're always looking behind you..."
frd150 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 One word.... Hope. Hope for something that will probably never happen. Not in all cases I know but its a factor in alot of them.
oppath Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Keep in mind that each person has good and bad traits. You were once attracted to the good traits and if they're still present, you can establish a decent friendship with an ex, without the complexity of a romantic relationship. You have to be completely over them and they have to be worth friendship. Most of my exes have been worth friendship, so when they call, we chat and enjoy each other's company. Beyond that, fo'get about it. They are exes for good reason... I agree with TBF. Friendships -- or more aptly described, civil acquaintanceships -- are possible after TIME and SPACE under the right circumstances, the circumstances being no lying or deception or abuse throughout the relationship. If both parties are clear they weren't the right people for each other, and romantic feelings are gone, some level of contact is ok EVENTUALLY. RIGHT AFTER the breakup, however, people need time and space to heal and separate. I really feel contact should be kind of sparse until BOTH people have healed and are dating, and if one of them were to get in a relationship, they could tell the other person "I'm in a new relationship" without hesitation, because if you can't do that, then you are not JUST friends. The only gf's I've kept in distant contact with are the ones who were HONEST with me, the ones who said "I like you, you're great, I should be falling madly in love with you, but I'm just not feeling it and don't think we are right for each other to continue this relationship" because they allowed me to reach that same conclusion rapidly, whereas women that have given me soft sells, it can take a couple months to finally realize we weren't right for each other.
Bosiell Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Frd summed it up for me. Hope. Even that one in a million chance, is still hope, on which we cling to as if below us a bottomless chasm. I recently made contact again with my ex, only via text, I wasnt expecting a repy and never got one. Tho hope is fading and I am facing forward the best I can, I did it if only to say i am still here, I havent forgotten, please dont forget me yet. Yep sure i had doubts about sending it, but hey I am not going to beat myself up about it, I am only human.
Trialbyfire Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 RIGHT AFTER the breakup, however, people need time and space to heal and separate. Exactly. This is very important for both parties. You have the opportunity to get over the "separation anxiety" and strengthen your core, to the point where you're able to look at them objectively, like strangers. No love, no bitterness.
oppath Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Exactly. This is very important for both parties. You have the opportunity to get over the "separation anxiety" and strengthen your core, to the point where you're able to look at them objectively, like strangers. No love, no bitterness. Sadly TBF, most DUMPERS I've encountered do not understand this. My last ex told me I was being immature and silly when I said "I won't be able to be your friend for a couple months, it will be too painful for me. I will seek you out once I've healed, but I expect that to take a few weeks. Please give me the time and space I need, as I can't be your friend unless I possess no feelings of anger or bitterness, AND no feelings of attraction or desire." She's not the only one. I haven't been dumped yet where the girl understood it. Of course -- I've also ended up with girls who have NEVER been dumped -- so they haven't had to go through it. They try to be friends to assuage their guilt and it is quite selfish, sometimes leading to DRAMA. The girl I'm seeing now and will likely commit to soon, she does understand. She is friends with some of her ex's and I asked her "how did you manage to do that?" She replied "it took some time where we didn't talk to each other, a few months." Ultimately though, I don't think you should be HANGING OUT 1-on-1 with the ex, especially because at some point, you will be in a new relationship, and ex's are rational threats unless your new partner gets to meet the old.
Trialbyfire Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Sadly TBF, most DUMPERS I've encountered do not understand this. My last ex told me I was being immature and silly when I said "I won't be able to be your friend for a couple months, it will be too painful for me. I will seek you out once I've healed, but I expect that to take a few weeks. Please give me the time and space I need, as I can't be your friend unless I possess no feelings of anger or bitterness, AND no feelings of attraction or desire." She's not the only one. I haven't been dumped yet where the girl understood it. Of course -- I've also ended up with girls who have NEVER been dumped -- so they haven't had to go through it. They try to be friends to assuage their guilt and it is quite selfish, sometimes leading to DRAMA. The girl I'm seeing now and will likely commit to soon, she does understand. She is friends with some of her ex's and I asked her "how did you manage to do that?" She replied "it took some time where we didn't talk to each other, a few months." Ultimately though, I don't think you should be HANGING OUT 1-on-1 with the ex, especially because at some point, you will be in a new relationship, and ex's are rational threats unless your new partner gets to meet the old. Absolutely there needs to be some form of meeting. This way, your current partner can gauge for themselves your level of closeness. When exes used to call me, I would sometimes get my existing partner on the line so they could be part of the chat. The last thing I would ever want to do is to threaten the existing relationship, if it's serious. Many times though, my exes have been within the same group of friends so it's been no secret, therefore, nothing threatening.
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Personally in my opinion...when either one in the relationship is still in love with the other or still has strong feelings for the other...then the person who no longer has those feelings should let them go....because it just prolongs the hurt for the one still in love etc. It's only fair. It's selfish to keep clinging to them when all you want is friendship when you know how they feel. With luck, they'll come back ready to be friends one day and it can be a healthy friendship for both parties. I rarely keep in touch with any of my ex's, it causes problems and hurt, for me mostly because i always get bloody dumped and it's a bit pants. Currently im working on being friends with my first love...very messy very messy indeed and he doesnt deserve my friendship but my feelings for him have died after i finally realised who he really is and all the wrong he's done to me. Its all ironing out now, im sure we'll be good mates in the future. If i had the choice to go back in time...i wouldnt have bothered at all. The good hasnt outweighed the bad not by a long shot. He's still got time to be a good friend.
CaliGuy Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 For clarity, what does "..it's a bit pants" mean?
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 For clarity, what does "..it's a bit pants" mean? it means its - a bit crap...or a bit poo....or a bit sh*t like whoopsy daisies really means 'oh f*ck' its just backwards brittish...curb the swearing etc
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 To be quite frank, and a bit crude, I'd rather **** a cactus than talk to my exes, let alone be friends with their asses.
CaliGuy Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 To be quite frank, and a bit crude, I'd rather **** a cactus than talk to my exes, let alone be friends with their asses. That's gotta be painful And yes, I see no reason to be friends with any of my ex's. There's nothing they can offer me that a true friend can not
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Not as painful as it is to talk to some of 'em!!
Curious139 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Oh dear, I'm in a minority here. I'm a hopeless romantic and I do keep in touch in a small way with my exs. Rarely see them, just Christmas cards etc. However my recent crisis was with an ex whom I lost for the second time in my life - by failing to committ to her. Talk about deja vu! Have I learnt a lesson? No, probably not. I don't regret the love affair despite the pain. It was wonderful and it was real..........but I threw it away without realising what I was doing.
oppath Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 That's gotta be painful And yes, I see no reason to be friends with any of my ex's. There's nothing they can offer me that a true friend can not For the most part, yep. We need to remember for any painful breakup, a true friend wouldn't ever make us feel deceived, used, betrayed, or any of the negative emotions that we feel. There are some amicable relationship endings where both people realize "hey, we are not the right people for each other" simultaneously. But MANY relationships end with some kind of lies/deceit/disrespect the last few weeks/months, or at least we feel that way, because one person usually isn't assertive at expressing what is on their mind. Other than the loss of the relationship -- and really, the loss of hope and dreams for the future -- a true friend does not make you feel bad about yourself in any way.
wmrjw82 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 For me, unfortunately, i've never had the strength to stop talking to them right away after the relationship ends. I have insecurity/abandonment issues that stem from childhood (or so my therapist says which were passed down from my parents...thanks mom n dad! ). I wish I could turn it all off right away like an earlier poster in this thread said. I just can't. When i'm in a relationship with someone I truly love I give my all to that person and when and if they leave my world crashes. Its like I lose my own identity and become a shadow of my former self. Its really quite pathetic and sad if you think about it. I believe it will eventually lead to one of three things: 1) I will get married, have kids, followed by divorce which will lead to the biggest setback of my life and destroy me; or 2) I will begin to hate that emotion which is really no greater than large amounts of chocolate we call "love" and be a single lonely old man; OR hopefully, 3) I will find the strength in myself through therapy, sites like this, and a solid family/friends unit and beat this DISEASE. Ah well...we'll see.
NorCalDave Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I mean it does neither of us any good to keep in touch. All it does is remind us that we are not together any more and how sad it is...especially when the good times out-weigh the bad times. It's not like we will get back together...that time in our lives has passed. Why do we torment ourselves with the past. Somedays I feel like a friggin hamster running on that wheel...I keep on running but I end up no where. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds...but maybe the wounds are what makes us human and perhaps we can learn to live with them in time. I don't what's going on anymore but I grown weary of these mixed emotions. I feel you. Everything you just wrote. Honestly, time does heal. But....for me, I know it would be sooooooooooooooooooooo much easier to get over chasing the ghost of my ex if I COULD MEET SOMEONE ELSE I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT. I have never felt anywhere near the connection my ex and I first had. I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel that strongly about a girl again. I revert to the past because I know what it was. It happened, it was real, I have pictures, I touched her, we connected. All that. Not knowing the future and not being assured we will ever meet that special someone is a scary notion. So, we play it safe and revert to what we know, what we already experienced. It's kind of cowardly actually. It just would be really, really nice to fall in love with someone else. I know I would have a much easier time getting my ex out of my head and heart. So, I think we have to be brave people. We have to tell ourselves that although nothing is EVER guaranteed -not even our next breath- we have to carry that faith that we will live for many many years, and we will love much much more in our lives and THIS TOO SHALL PASS. We just have to have faith, basically, that this world provides us with whatever we seek. So, patience,+ faith= love again. Right? I reeeeeally want to believe that another great woman will rock my world someday.
Author serendip Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 ....and of course I write this thread yesterday...and what do I do this morning...I reply to a email of hers for no reason a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine got into a serious accident(almost died) and I wrote the ex a email telling her what happen and that life is too short to have resentment(we were arguing back and forth via emails) and regrets....and that she's a good person. I told her to forget about me...move on and be happy. I even said goodbye. She replies with "Sorry to hear about your friend. I hope he is OK."...and I wasn't planning to reply...but after 5 days...I replied this morning with just a paragraph talking about the friend and his progress. No mention of us or anything like that. I don't even know why I did it...I mean...clearly from her one line email...she wasn't looking for a reply. She didn't even ask how my friend was...just 'I hope he is ok'. I mean what was the point of that? She doesn't care about the progress of my friend...she doesn't know him. So I don't know why I bother telling her his progress. It's kind of a useless email...if anything I should have just email back 'thanks'. oh well...such is life in the land of heartache. Maybe I can find solace in that I don't expect or need her to reply.
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