SuperHands Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 It's a week after i found out my ex has a new boyfriend and today for some reason I am falling down the rabbit hole. I think back to last week and I remembered that while i was sadder, i was not as depressed as I am now. I've been trying to keep myself busy at work and concsiously avoiding all those negative thoughts, but they built up and suddenly they overwhelmed me to the point where I had a mild panic attack. It's not just my ex that is getting me down. I've been trying to meet someone new through online dating and as yet have had absolutely no luck. I haven't even managed to line up a date and some of my friends have been on several through the same website. This is like multliple mini rejections that are just adding up and kicking me down even more. I've never had a girlfriend before my ex and I just can't see myself getting a new one. I have such low esteem and it eeks out of me. I'm trying to be brave and do everything people say here, but the more i battle, the more I seem to turn on myself. Why am I doing this to myself? So when i think of my ex. I think of her with her new boyfriend, having the time of her life. And there's me, left alone, desperately trying to salvage something from this mess. It makes me wish I never went out with her and also questions whether I have the mental strength to go through this kind of thing again. I only went out with her for 4 months and although i fell in love with her, I was the one that decided to end it. What if it had been 2 years or 4 years or she dumped me?
madgun68 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 You're going to have to let those emotions out at one point or another. People often overwhelm themselves by keeping busy in the hopes that they won't have to go through the suffering, but it's going to happen at some point. Occasionally, I'd force them to come up by just letting my mind wander when I felt the timing was okay. This wasn't difficult by any means.. just think of the ex and after a bit your mind will start sifting through things. (Worked for me anyway.) As far as online dating goes, I'd suggest asking your friends about your profile (if you have one, which I assume is the case.) If so, ask them to look yours over and give opinions. If you're suffering from low self-esteem, its easy to translate that across. Finally, as far as having the strength to try again, well.. Maybe the time just isn't right at the moment for you to try again. There's nothing written down that says when you need to do it. We don't think it, but every time you enter a relationship we're putting our heart out there risking the possibility that it will be stomped on.. Good luck!
Author SuperHands Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 This is good advice. I can see some sense in the way i am feeling and why i sometimes can't seem to cope. After i came back from work, i put on some music and I had a brief but relieving cry. I then came on here and posted this topic, read a few other topics about controlling your emotions and then did a bit of pacing and challenged all my problems with realistic positive thoughts. I've realised that i've actually got alot of extra problems going on, other than this break up and they are all adding up into one huge pile. Also one of my biggest issues is with one of my friends. He literally broke up with his girlfriend on the weekend, had a day of moping around and now today he's as happy as larry. He really loved her and it totally irritates me to see that he doesn't even seem fazed. He's the complete opposite of me and has so much self-assurance it's just staggering to understand how he generates it.
LakesideDream Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 It takes time to get over a heartbreak, however long you were together, however old or young you are. The younger you are the harder it is to be patient. a week to me probably seems six months to you. This may sound trite coming from an 'Old Guy, but take heart. You are young, young, young... there will be many more oppertunities! Half the posters here would love to be in your shoes. As soon as a "new love" comes along, the ex will be forgotten, just a pair of lights fading in the rear view mirror.
Author SuperHands Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Guys. Really thanks for all your words. It's helping alot. I was pretty depressed earlier and while certainly i'm not clicking my heels, i feel like I am going to be able to cope with this again. This website really is a godsend for me and others. Let's face it, it helps ease the burden of our friends having to give emotional support all the time. Better to help each other through this.
Spinderella Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Dont compare yourself to other people. I agree that your unconfidence may be coming across, as well as the fact that you are still on the rebound really. Try to build up your self esteem before you even begin dating someone else. I have had quite a few relationships and break ups, and although I wasnt any more in love with one or the other, its those that happened when my self esteem and confidence was already really low that I found the hardest to get over. Perhaps you are finding it so hard to deal with, because you feel the rejection confirms all your negative beliefs about yourself. It seems you are still giving yourself a really hard time, and comparing yourself to other people etc. Its no time to find another girlfriend. No-one but you is going to make you feel good about yourself. Someone else may do temporarily, but if youre depending on that, well you know what happens if they leave. Stick with the positive affirmations, keep it up until you believe it.
Bosiell Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Super, I fully agree with Spind re trying to find someone else. It is way to soon for that. Tho it may be very tempting to try find someone else straight away, you will be doing it for all the wrong reasons, it will not be fair on yourself and more importantly the person you will be with. Also, the last thing you need right now is any rejections, and you will have them, unless you Mr perfect or Mr fortunate, they will only heave more doubt and further lower your esteem. You must find your feet first before any more relationships. Good luck mate.
Author SuperHands Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 I thought this was the case. I think i'm coming to terms with the fact that i need to chill and get myself right before I can move on. I must learn to be comfortable with myself and learn to take rejection on the chin too. It's gonna be really hard, but I think i can do it. I'm looking at the idea that, you can have the confidence knocked out of you, so you can have it knocked back into you. I will keep an eye out for the girl of my dreams, but yes, I should concentrate on myself first.
Curious139 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I can relate to your story Super having lost my love through my own fault. You are too vulnerable to be dating yet. That day will arrive but better to heal yourself first and that takes time. Don't be worried about the internet dating game. As others have said, you have possibly used words which subliminally convey your sadness in your profile. It won't look like that to you but get other people to check it. And don't worry about your friend, we are all deal with loss in different ways. He may very well be quite emotionally shallow but hides that. It tends to be people with high empathy who stay on this site. Best wishes.
Author SuperHands Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 Thankfully today I have had a better day. I did have another low point just before lunch, but to be honest I think it was just because I was hungry and also that the boss effectively told us that all our job rolls are changing and no one in office quite knows where we are all going to land. So yeah work is tough too, which isn't helping me one bit. So when i'm not having random flashes of my ex with her new boyfriend, i'm worrying about my job. arrrgh! However, I have begun challenging my negative thoughts and I think it is doing good. Everytime I think of her, I say to myself 'yes she has a new boyfriend, but in time you will have someone new in your life'. On a positive note, my friend actually got back with his girlfriend, so I guess he wasn't so happy as he may have pointed out.
Bosiell Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Keep on fighing Super, roll with those punches, wipe the blood from your nose and pick yourself up each time youre down. Two weeks I was so beaten down I was close to handing in the towel. This evening I am now standing over all my hurt and saying Come on then, is that all youve got! Sure it will kick me in my soft bits for a time to come when I am not looking, but Im sure gonna grin and give it back harder. Quitters never win, winners never quit!
mourningMM Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 He literally broke up with his girlfriend on the weekend, had a day of moping around and now today he's as happy as larry. He really loved her and it totally irritates me to see that he doesn't even seem fazed. What makes you think that being shallow and uncaring is a good thing? Now I agree that self-confidence is a good thing. And after a break-up it is as solid as fog in the spring.....especially when the object of your affections has gotten involved with someone else. But really, don't devalue the fact that you are really processing your pain; don't dwell. You will learn from this experience and by you increased emotional maturity you will attract an even more wonderful woman. And with each relationship you will learn more about yourself, and come closer to finding someone who really feels like she is the missing part of you. But I understand how it feels to have a huge gaping hole that needs to be filled. Good luck.
Author SuperHands Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Thanks again guys. I believe I am coping again now. I've learnt so much from everyone here and have come to realise that I was going about this break up all the wrong way. I took alot of advice from my friend, who i have just mentioned above, and as I aspired to be like him I put his advice into action. But now i see that we are two totally different people and what works for him does not work for me. I have also learnt to let my emotions out, quietly and when the timing is right. Before i used to fight them. Ignore them and battle against them to not let them win. While I think challenging your negativity is good, I believe you have to let it win now and again to let that emotion out. Otherwise you end up stressed, weary, churned up and exhausted. Today has been a mixed day of highs and lows. I felt very happy this morning but then I accidently stumbled upon a few pictures of me and my ex on my work computer by accident. I forgot they were there and I soon as I spotted them, i deleted them. But it was too late, it only takes a glance to fire up those neurons and then you are battling it again. No panicking or anything though. Just more pain on the pile. So it shows i'm recovering slowly which is encouraging.
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