Toxic Ex-W but have joint custody-how do you make them go away?

[hyjacked]

Typical toxic ex-w. Im divorced and happily remarried for 10 yrs. My 3 teenage sons that are now feeling the "heat" that stoked up between their mama and I. I have Joint custody, her with primary physical custody. Wifey and I have been kissing ex's arse for 10 yrs now to hold the peace but things are esculating as the ex is radically changing her lifestyle from standing on the pew bible thumping to internet dating/partying.

 

Ex-W hardly goes a day without an email or phone call if nothing more than to touch base about the kids. mmm...that we have nearly every evening. Seems like she wants to let me know she is around. Ive asked her not to do this but of course she does it anyway. I dare not disagree or oppose her point of view or the scream fest and show of muscle then begins.

 

It's gotten so toxic we cant just ignore her and her ways, lately it's been her job to tell me I dont have the perfect home and marriage I think I do. Its effecting my own home now and my wife. How or do you shut the ex down and still rear the kids that are jointly shared? I dont diss on her to the kids but they know whats up. My 14 yr old is shutting down. Any thoughts you kind people?

[a4a]

How about having the kids call you instead of the ExW?

 

Of course if something goes wrong or it is an emergency she will have to call you about the kids.

 

You are going to have to meet with her with your current wife and make it clear that these boundaries must be adhered to.

 

No conversation about anything unless it has to do with the kids.

 

You can do this. Even if you have to bite your tongue and just tell her "I will not reply to that question or comment, it has nothing to do with the kids".

[LakesideDream]

Hopefully, you don't have long to go, (how old is your youngest)? Sadly, there is nothing you can do about your ex. Obviously she is jealous of your home and stability, it's in her nature to create chaos so that she can feel "equal" to you.

 

Frankly if it were me I would just listen and agree with her whenever possible. When she realizes she isn't causing you consternation she will probably stop as it takes a lot of energy to be a female sheppard.

 

Your 14 year old knows what's up too.. and doesen't want to be put in the middle. Taking away the fuel always dampens the fire, kill your ex with kindness and wait her out. Have your giggles in private knowing that you are living the life you choose... and she isn't.

[Melovator]

I kind of agree with both a4a and Lakeside: But there's a particular technique I call "Smile and Nod": when your XW starts talking about something you don't want to; just smile and nod. If you get challenged on that just keep smiling and say "There's nothing I can add to what you've already said." and if that doesn't stop then go to "Broken Record" and you just keep smiling and repeating that phrase (or any other you find suitable for the circumstances).

 

It's hard to argue with someone who is just a blank wall and won't argue back and just keeps smiling. It's also very useful to think about how really happy you are with your life while you smile, your XW is clearly not happy... people who aren't happy with their lives don't understand how other people can be, and they want to pick apart that happiness just so it confirms their worldview.

 

You keep showing her your happiness maybe she might get a clue and realise that she is her own problem, not anyone else. Smile and Nod and Broken Record only really work if you don't back down from what you want. Which is for her to respect your boundaries.

 

Her behaviour is an unacceptable intrusion into your life. Make a set time for when you will accept phone calls from her and don't accept them from her outside of those hours. Tell if there's a real emergency then she can text you saying "call it is an emergency" and then you will call her.

 

You could also as a drastic measure change your phone numbers and just give her one mobile phone she can contact and change primary email and don't give it to her.

 

Best of Luck

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's doing this because she knows it annoys you. You have to learn to let her antics go unanswered.

 

Buy the kids cell phones of their own and put them on your phone bill. That's quite a solution for you to stop the calls. The kids are old enough to have them right plus they can call you on their own terms, you wont have to deal with an x-wife. Also you can communicate by email if you dont want to hear her screeching voice.

 

It warms my heart to know that after your marriage you have remarried happily. I think that is why she does what she does because your happy and she is not. If she was she wouldnt be such an annoyance as you say.

 

deal with it better.

[hyjacked]

Thanks one and all for your thoughts and input. There were several things suggested that I might try that I have done such as get the kids cell phones, tell her I only want to talk about the kids and nothing else, dont call/email my wife and I everyday ect. Just kinda tells me Im on the right path. One thing Mel said was to keep smiling and showing her my happiness. I should be doing that instead of letting her know by my body language and tone of voice she is irritating the #$%! out of me.

 

Lake my youngest is 13. I swear havent a clue of how I am going to manage another 5 days of prison parole let alone 5+ more yrs of this. Im sure some of you have been there.