coping with death

[lovesparis]

i'm not sure if this is the best forum for this topic, or if i should be on the family board....

 

i've been dealing with the breakup of a relationship and i've been really messed up by it. some days have been better than others, but the past week i've been crying daily. i've been doing a lot A LOT of thinking about that and have begun to realize that part of that crying and being upset is related not to the breakup, but to the death of my father- the 2 yr anniversary is coming this week.

 

my relationship with my dad has always been difficult. he was an anti-social, alcoholic, obsessive-compulsive, control freak. my childhood was pretty dysfunctional and as i got odler i realized that more and more. my dad was extremely controlling and we fought a lot, b/c i stopped letting him control me. anyway, he died 2 years ago, and was dead for 2 days before i found him. 10 months before he died my younger brother died. and 2 weeks after my dad died, his father, my grandfather, that i lived with also died. i was a complete wreck upon finding my dad. i was on my way home from one job to take a shower before going to my 2nd job, he hadn't called my grandmother in 2 days and she was VERY upset. i told her i would stop by to make sure there wasn't something wrong with the phone--- i really didn't think anything had happened, or at the very least, he may have been hurt?

 

i was really messed up for a week. and i took a leave of absence from the end of sept-jan from one of my jobs; the other i was only working a few days a week. i had to function in some capacity i was just unable to function on the level i had been-- i had taken the 2nd job the week after my brother died, so i basically worked out my grief for him, but it was too much for me to handle with my dad. i felt like i handled everything pretty well, i have a morbid sense of humor (especially with as many deaths as i've had to experience-- oh yes, there have been more since then) and all my friends have told me how strong i was.

 

2 years later, i've finally decided to sell my dads house (i bought it after he died) and i've finally gotten it cleaned out (i mentioned he was OCD, i didn't mention his compulsion was hoarding) and it's coming up on 2 yrs since he died. we share a birthday. my brothers was 4 days later. my now deceased grandmothers bday was yesterday.

 

so i've been crying like everyday. i've been crying about every little thing. a sad song, a happy ending, anything. i have been in the process of realizing that i'm still not ok about my dad dying. maybe its just b/c it's the anniversary time? all i know is i've never really told anyone my feelings about my dad dying. honestly i don't know what my feelings are about it. i know that i'm able to verbalize my feelings on my breakup and i keep attributing these spells to that, but i've begun to think that maybe that's more convienient b/c i know how i feel about that. i don't know how i feel about the dead-people thing.

 

friends have been suggesting i may be depressed about the breakup, but i haven't felt depressed until this past week, which leads me to think i may in fact be depressed but not about the breakup, about my dad.

 

does this post even make sense? anyone with similar experiences? words of wisdom? anything?

[Jmina]

I am suprised that you thought you had handled the death of your dad. you havnt yet dealt with his death, let alone found any peace with it. and also you havent dealt with your childhood. you either need to spend time writing and writing and writing what ever comes to you and work your way through your grieving or get some help. if i were you, id get some help. this is a tough situation for you and there is no reason why you shouldnt get some help to get better from it all.

dont try and take it all on, im sure you are very strong. but remember being a strong person doesnt mean holding all their problems on their on, and basically telling themselves to 'toughen up' being strong means working through it all and coming through an open-hearted, peaceful, hopeful person. also a good way to deal with your own hurt is to help others. you might be able to use all your hurt and pain as a way to find soemthing you have compassion for and then act on it to help people. usually when that happens its from a pivotal point in someones life.

 

this sounds like a pivotal time for you. you can change it for the better.

 

good luck, and know that you are not alone. you would find that there a quite a few that have had to deal with deaths and breakups all at the same time.

[Spinderella]

It sounds as though your dad died before you had a chance to come to some peace or understanding with him. Therefore you may feel blocked on two levels, one on healing from your childhood, and another on healing from the grief of your dad dying. It sounds as though you used a coping mechanism for the people dying around you, but possibly did not allow yourself to fully grieve.

Maybe your break up triggered a need for healing on all levels from all of these events. Like how homeopathy works, in giving you a little extra of a disease to kick start your body into healing from the whole disease (I think. . I'm not a homeopath so dont quote that). It sounds like you need to allow yourself to mourn all of these things. Its alot to go through alone though, so I dont know if you have anyone who can help you through it. If not then maybe counselling, or there are some amazing books out there, which can help to guide you through a healing process.

I think the main thing is in recognising the need to grieve and heal and finding a way to help you through that, that works best for you and being as good as you can to yourself.

[lovesparis]

thank you both for your responses.

 

spinderella, you offer such widsom sometimes.

Maybe your break up triggered a need for healing on all levels from all of these events.

i feel like i'm having to clean house and totally start over. i lost my boyfriend, who i really thought was going to become my husband in the next few years. i gave up one of my best friends who has supported me through everything b/c my reliance on him is what caused my breakup. and i was really looking forward to having a boyfriend who was AWESOME! to be with me and support me though this year's crappytime (my birthday-jan are just crappy times. i have my birthday which i share with my dad, my brothers bday, my dads anniv, my brothers anniv, thanksgiving, christmas, and this year is my grandmas 1yr anniv, and i sat with her while she died last year) but now, after anticipating having his support and someone to help me, i'm back on my own.

 

i was thinking about getting counseling in the past but just when i started to really think about it i started feeling better.... plus private practices aren't cheap, and b/c i have insurance, i don't know if i could even use community services. and where would i start? i feel like i'd become the client that the counselors secretly dread, the one they tell their coworkers about and try to pass off, the one they roll their eyes about when they see on teh schedule. oh man, i don't want to be that person.

 

and do i see a secular therapist or a faith-based clinician? i never really believed in the faith-based counseling, but i've been doing a lot of talking to the higher power i choose to call God, and i don't want that part of things glazed over in my sessions.

and did i mention i over-analyze everything. which is the main reason i had to take as long as i did to reach a solution about whether or not i could accept my bf's "ultimatum" (for lack of a better word) about giving up my friend... which i guess had to do with why he broke up with me (afterall, he'd given me the 5months we were together to make up my mind... and i wasn't able to do that, but he ignored? wasn't aware? i didn't point out? that it wasn't a decision to choose him over my friend or my friend over him but at it's simplist form, to choose whether or not i was going to give up a belief i had been holding for as long as i can remember)

 

oh, i have too many roads in my woods.

 

sorry, i'm very weapy now.

 

thank you both again for your responses. it's nice to have a lot of people to talk to and get a lot of feelings/opinions/responses from all sides

[Spinderella]

Thankyou. I havent got much time at the moment, but I wanted to reply quickly now. I dont know whether your faith is religious or a faith in God, so I'm not sure, but could possibly some meditation, or yoga or something that helps you to naturally heal yourself, alongside some counselling help you?

It sounds as though you are afraid to be a burden or something, I dont know, why would you think the counsellors would roll their eyes about you?

 

As for your boyfriend I think that after you have given him the space that he asked for, you should explain things as you did in your other thread. In the meantime you will be working on healing yourself. It might not be too late there.

It sounds as though this IS healing aswell though. That you are going through now. Like you are purging or something, but with it being so overwhelming at times, it would probably be useful to have something to aid you through.

 

Take care

(((hugs)))

[lovesparis]

spinderella, thanks again for your support. i don't know you, but i appreciate you.

 

yes, i'm terribly afraid of being a burden to anyone. i've relied on myself for as long as i can remember b/c i learned early on that i'm the only one i can rely on. then i meet this guy and i fall in love and i try to share my burdens, and it all goes to hell.

 

as for why do i feel a therapist would roll their eyes about me... i feel out of control and all over the place. (i think my posts reflect that too..ugh) and i've seen counselors behave like that about their clients (never to their faces, of course)

 

i would love to really get into yoga. i tried a few years ago and didn't have the space, i may try that again. thanks for the suggestion, just thinking about it, calmness washed over me.

[Spinderella]

Yes things like yoga are very grounding, and getting in touch with that stillness within when everything is swirling around and out of control around you (including your own emotions), is essential.

Its the same with meditation, but that can be hard to do when you are in a high state of anxiety. After awhile of doing yoga, meditation becomes easier too.

Its like whilst everything else is unstable, (which it sounds as though you must have felt for such along time), you always have something real and still within you. Something that you CAN rely on, always, without fail.

Those counsellors sound pretty bad to me.

[Kasan]

he died 2 years ago, and was dead for 2 days before i found him. 10 months before he died my younger brother died. and 2 weeks after my dad died, his father, my grandfather, that i lived with also died. i was a complete wreck upon finding my dad. i was on my way home from one job to take a shower before going to my 2nd job, he hadn't called my grandmother in 2 days and she was VERY upset. i told her i would stop by to make sure there wasn't something wrong with the phone--- i really didn't think anything had happened, or at the very least, he may have been hurt?

 

where important people in my life died. I didn't take the time to grieve for them like I should have, because there were other things going on in my life at the time.

 

Also compounding the issue was the pre-conceived time that people have in supporting you in your grief. When I was finally able to grieve for these people (a year later) I found I was pretty much on my own.

 

I walked around in a fog for about a year. Strange things would trigger crying and anger. I learned how to be kinder to myself and gave myself permission to feel the intense feelings when I was by myself. In my experience, all it took was one event to happen and all the grief would come flooding back.

 

You most likely have a lot of unfinished business with your loved ones (especially your dad)....things that you wished you had said and done. I am wondering if you had managed to push your feelings for him down and the final act of cleaning out his house has forced you to face your issues with him.

 

I think that it's very important for you to really face these feelings cleaning out his house. Scream, rage, cry, and forgive in this house....get it all out, so that when you leave you can feel a measure of peace, in other words finish your business.

 

Grieving takes as long as it takes, and yes, it will creep up on you. On the other hand, don't let it consume or define who you are. Know that you are not alone.

[lovesparis]

kasan, thanks for the suggestion. the house is totally empty now, maybe it would be really good to go over there and get all my stuff out before i sell it and i don't have the oppertunity to do it anymore. htanks for listening