confusingsituation Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Hi Everyone. About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend of 4.5 years decided to call it quits. I am completely devastated and it took me 3 days just to get out of bed after it happened. His reasoning was that he could not see us getting married. He said at the time that he loved me but not enough and would give me no other reasons as to why this was occuring. I begged with him to reconsider as (I thought) we had a very loving and compatible relationship. The next day he called me and said he was confused, that he didnt know what he wanted and that he needed some space and time to think. I decided that I would have very limited contact with him......basically just enough to get me through. On saturday we agreed to meet up. When I saw him I just burst out crying. I love this man more than anything even with his faults. We went for a drive and he told me that he wants to work on it. He says he has his own issues and he needs me to make some changes if this is going to work but that he loves me, misses me and is in love with me. He says he wants to make plans for the future with me now. This has happened once before - approximately one year ago. We broke up for 2 days and then he begged for me back saying he had made a horrible mistake. So my question is - how many times do you take someone back before you have to cut your losses and walk away from the situation. I do very much love this person with all my heart but I am scared that if he can walk away so easily twice that he may keep doing it again and again. I dont want to live in fear that we end up married and he leaves me when we have children etc. Plus I have a very protective family and they saw how badly this affected me and now they absolutely hate him, this worries me as I am very close to my family and their support means everything to me. help please I am so confused!!
norajane Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 You have to find out what those issues of his are that he's referring to, and what he thinks you need to 'change'. Depending on what those things are, and how the two of you plan to resolve them, you may or may not want to give him another chance. If you just get back together without discussing those issues, agreeing on the steps you'll take to resolve them, and then actually take those steps, then you're likely to break up again.
LakesideDream Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Another possibility, Your BF uses "breaking up" to control you. Could it be that he floats the break up, see's your reaction, confirms his hold on you then relents, secure in the knowledge that he's in complete control of the relationship? This is a fairly common senerio used by men with sociopathic symptoms, and is easily found in the lititure, (google it).
cbauche0 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I feel for you Hun! Ive been with my fiance for 4.5 years and he started acting weird, and I just found out it was because of another girl... he cheated on me for 2 months... he just moved out this weekend and I am a basket case. I know what you are going through it feels horrible! People tell you to just get over it but I know you put your heart and soul into this relationship and its so hard just to walk away. I would do what you feel is best in you heart, and if it does not work out at least you know that you gave it your all. NO REGRETS! It would be his loss!
mental_traveller Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Taking someone back once is the maximum. If it doesn't work after 2 attempts, it's unlikely to ever work.
bloodaye Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 i agree with lakesidedream,that is quite a possibility,hes trying to convince himself and assure himself that u r totally devoted to him,it gives him a rush to know that u get so upset,thats an insecurity on his end,and we all know what insecure people do..... right?
Tony T Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Second chances are no more or less likely to work than first chances. However, after the second, that is the third, etc., you're in dangerous territory. Relationships aren't games to be played. I certainly don't want anybody around me who isn't very certain they want to be with me.
NorCalDave Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Second chances are no more or less likely to work than first chances. However, after the second, that is the third, etc., you're in dangerous territory. Relationships aren't games to be played. I certainly don't want anybody around me who isn't very certain they want to be with me. Great point.
lindya Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend of 4.5 years decided to call it quits. I am completely devastated and it took me 3 days just to get out of bed after it happened. Right there is why you should not be getting back with this guy - either ever, or until you've managed to get yourself to a stage where a break up with him isn't going to have that kind of impact on you. For three days you felt unable to function. How many more spells like that do you want to subject yourself to? You need to sort out whatever it is that's making you respond like that. The next day he called me and said he was confused, that he didnt know what he wanted and that he needed some space and time to think. I decided that I would have very limited contact with him......basically just enough to get me through. You sound like an addict talking about heroin. I don't mean that to sound heartless. I do really feel for you - but I have to say, you sound like an addict. On saturday we agreed to meet up. When I saw him I just burst out crying. I love this man more than anything even with his faults. We went for a drive and he told me that he wants to work on it. He says he has his own issues and he needs me to make some changes I don't know if what some of the guys here are saying about him deliberately mucking you about in order to control the relationship is right. Maybe it is...or it could be that he's sensed he has this "control" to make you either blissfully happy/incredibly miserable, and he's terrified about having that effect on you. I know I would be. I'd be interested to know what changes he feels you need to make. I think that'll provide some clues as to whether he's a decent guy who's feeling scared, or a sh*t who's just playing games. This has happened once before - approximately one year ago. We broke up for 2 days and then he begged for me back saying he had made a horrible mistake. That does suggest he's got a few problems of his own. So my question is - how many times do you take someone back before you have to cut your losses and walk away from the situation. I don't know. To be honest, I think your first focus right now should be on your current emotional state - and getting help for that. Whether your bf is an okay guy who's running scared, or a creep who gets a kick out of playing mindgames with you is almost irrelevant. What needs to be addressed as a matter of urgency is your reaction to all of this. You mentioned that your family hate him because of the impact he's had on you. That they're very protective. I'm telling you that you need to take some responsibility for your own emotional state here. It's just not good enough to think in terms of "I love this guy so much that I spent three days unable to function when he said he wanted to break up with me." Unless you've got a physical illness that confines you there, not getting out of bed for three days is a sign that there's something emotionally or psychologically wrong that isn't going to be magically fixed just by getting back with your ex. Seriously - go and see your doctor.
Author confusingsituation Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 Thanks everyone for posting your responses. I am feeling a lot better than what I was when this all happened. Since my discussion with him on Saturday we havent really spoken. I tried calling him yesterday but he got angry at me. The 'changes' that he has asked for have not been outlined and he said that he is not ready to talk about it properly yet as he isnt feeling well.... Seems like a complete cop-out to me. I'm getting pretty tired of all this game playing to be honest and I am starting to think that I am being manipulated somewhat even if he probably doesnt realise what he is doing. Lakesidedream - I actually did look up the sociopath symptoms and scarily he does seem to have a lot in common....not that I'm qualified to make a complete diagnosis. cbauche0 - I am so sorry I know exactly how you feel it's just so horrible isnt it - if you want to chat to someone you can PM me! hope you are making a recovery xxx Lindya - I know what you are saying, in a way I think there is an addiction there to him. He really meant the world to me and the way he broke it off 'over the phone' no less really did leave me completely devastated - all of my dreams and hopes came crashing down around me. After those first couple of days I went to the doctor pronto and got myself sorted with a therapist. I still miss him though. Guess I will just wait out the next few days and see what he has to say for himself....
lindya Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I know what you are saying, in a way I think there is an addiction there to him. He really meant the world to me and the way he broke it off 'over the phone' no less really did leave me completely devastated - all of my dreams and hopes came crashing down around me. After those first couple of days I went to the doctor pronto and got myself sorted with a therapist. Well done for taking that initiative. I hope things work out well for you...whatever decisions get made regarding the relationship.
tinke Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 lakeside dream and bloodaye..interesting views! men and women do think diffferently! in your opinion...how far would one go to get this reasurrance? do you believe they can dive into another relationship immediately for a reaction? how about speaking of marriage to someone else they just began dating? confusingsituation, i couldn't agree more with the importance of discussing the needed changes beforehand. exactly what are the expectations, etc.
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