cecil brown Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 That's been the hardest part of my progress. My counselor drills me with that constantly, but yet my heart still refuses to believe it. I try to think about all the problems we had, but all that does is make me blame myself. Can anyone share some insight on how they've dealt with accepting that there is life beyond the ex?
loveinlife Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 hi cecil, im still coping not sure what to say. Some of my days are good and some days are bad. if our ex if good for us, they wouldn't leave. All i can think of is to pamper ourselves instead of beating us up. I try to understand my ex, what if it was the other way around and i wanted to move on... maybe its for the better for us both to be apart. the other thing is that we can't make our ex love us if they don't. keep your strength together and concentrate on your vulnerabilities, so it won't happen again. gluck cecil =)
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 That's been the hardest part of my progress. My counselor drills me with that constantly, but yet my heart still refuses to believe it. I try to think about all the problems we had, but all that does is make me blame myself. Can anyone share some insight on how they've dealt with accepting that there is life beyond the ex? Believe that you will reach the stage of acceptance. It just takes a longer while for some. I have also been at a stage when I thought I'd never get over it, but I did. It did take me almost a year, though. You might also be taking your time to get over it. The important part is to LET yourself heal. There's no point in scraping at old wounds, or blaming yourself. There is no such thing as "the ONE and ONLY" love. All of us have plenty of potentially great matches out there. And really, the best way to truly get over a broken relationship is to be in another, better relationship. Allow yourself to grieve, but at the same time, keep your focus on getting over all of this. You will be in a much better relationship eventually, and be much happier and much more fulfilled. And you'll remember that I said that there is no such thing as a "one and only" love.
Author cecil brown Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 I know I need time to heal. I try to tell myself that things happen for a reason and that I'll move on to bigger and better things. However that leads me to my other main issue. To put it bluntly, I pretty much ruined two relationships and have caused a lot of heartache. I believe that you reap what you sow and I think that the pain and anguish I feel now is payback of sorts. Honestly, due to my past, I feel I don't deserve a happy future.
loveinlife Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I know I need time to heal. I try to tell myself that things happen for a reason and that I'll move on to bigger and better things. However that leads me to my other main issue. To put it bluntly, I pretty much ruined two relationships and have caused a lot of heartache. I believe that you reap what you sow and I think that the pain and anguish I feel now is payback of sorts. Honestly, due to my past, I feel I don't deserve a happy future. no one deserves to be sad, feelings and emotions come and go. Is this something that you have been feeling for awhile? i notice that its like a roller coaster ride for me and everyday its different. =) we are how we see ourselves.
Author cecil brown Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 no one deserves to be sad, feelings and emotions come and go. Is this something that you have been feeling for awhile? i notice that its like a roller coaster ride for me and everyday its different. =) we are how we see ourselves. I've been feeling this way for a long time....At the end of the day, when I'm lying in bed, I realize that I truly have no one to blame but myself.
loveinlife Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I've been feeling this way for a long time....At the end of the day, when I'm lying in bed, I realize that I truly have no one to blame but myself. Sounds like you did some thinking. i do believe lots of things are created by us. like where our computer is at, where we put the keys, how is the closet done. Its our creation and its our creation on the healing. so ask yourself how do you like to heal? =)
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I don't know the exact details, but if they ended as badly as you say, then it's going to be difficult to deal with the guilt, regardless of whose fault it really was. The constant blaming is absolutely futile. It is not going to change anything that happened. You know that already, so why are you doing it? Even if I let you have your way, and say "Yes, you deserve everything that you're going through right now", it doesn't change a single thing. So, it's upto you, really. Do you want to wallow in the guilt/self pity? Or do you want to admit that you made mistakes, and move on to improving yourself and not repeating those mistakes? Look, even if perchance you're "getting back what you gave"...there is always room for making amends with yourself. There are people who've done much worse, and they have gotten over it because they were willing to give themselves another chance. As long as you're alive, there's hope to make up for the mistakes that you made. Don't give up so easily.
Author cecil brown Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 It's not that I'm trying to feel sorry for myself, or wallow in self pity. It's a moral dilemma that I'm having. Does one deserve to be happy, regardless of their prior actions? Why should I be able to find peace, when I caused others to suffer?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Does one deserve to be happy, regardless of their prior actions? I wouldn't say "no". Yes, everyone deserves to be happy. People make mistakes. You're not the only one. As long as you sincerely regret your actions, there's no reason why you can't put it behind and move on. Why should I be able to find peace, when I caused others to suffer? From what I've read of your posts, you've suffered enough. Honestly, the way you're putting it, it seems like you're bordering on masochism. That's a strong word, but I can't find another term that would better describe this. All I can say is, it's time to move on. It's time you made amends with yourself.
Author cecil brown Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 From what I've read of your posts, you've suffered enough. Honestly, the way you're putting it, it seems like you're bordering on masochism. That's a strong word, but I can't find another term that would better describe this. That's an interesting view....I don't find pleasure in my pain, but I do feel a sense of deservedness, so maybe that is a form of masochism.
Spinderella Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 It's not that I'm trying to feel sorry for myself, or wallow in self pity. It's a moral dilemma that I'm having. Does one deserve to be happy, regardless of their prior actions? Why should I be able to find peace, when I caused others to suffer? Realising that the best way to not cause pain to others is to heal yourself is a first step in loving others. Thinking about it in this way, to keep beating yourself up is really the best way to ensure you end up hurting someone else again. Its like the old adage, you have to love yourself before you can love others. Each goes hand in hand I believe. Forgive yourself, you will be more forgiving....etc Its good to have self awareness, but this happened to open your eyes, now you take the lesson and learn it. Resolve to be better, start with loving and forgiving yourself. Thats that. Once you have changed, you have changed. Beating yourself up for the way you were before, is internally interpreted as that you are still the same. Your beliefs about who you are affects the way you act. I'm sure you must have done some reflecting on why you behaved as you did previously, and addressed the problems.
SuperHands Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I would say that the very fact that you have realised you had done wrong should be comforting enough to realise that you do care. You feel bad about it, but you can't go through life making everyone happy.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Realising that the best way to not cause pain to others is to heal yourself is a first step in loving others. Thinking about it in this way, to keep beating yourself up is really the best way to ensure you end up hurting someone else again. Its like the old adage, you have to love yourself before you can love others. Each goes hand in hand I believe. Forgive yourself, you will be more forgiving....etc Its good to have self awareness, but this happened to open your eyes, now you take the lesson and learn it. Resolve to be better, start with loving and forgiving yourself. Thats that. Once you have changed, you have changed. Beating yourself up for the way you were before, is internally interpreted as that you are still the same. Your beliefs about who you are affects the way you act. I'm sure you must have done some reflecting on why you behaved as you did previously, and addressed the problems. Well said, Spinderella. That was good avice.
Spinderella Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Well said, Spinderella. That was good avice. Thankyou. So was yours.
CaliGuy Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 That's been the hardest part of my progress. My counselor drills me with that constantly, but yet my heart still refuses to believe it. I try to think about all the problems we had, but all that does is make me blame myself. Can anyone share some insight on how they've dealt with accepting that there is life beyond the ex? Yep. All you have to know is that someone who truly loves you wouldn't walk away. They wouldn't have treated you badly (if they did). The point is, those who really love you would be willing to stick out the bad times with the good times. Those that won't simply do not love you. And why would you waste your love on someone who doesn't appreciate it? I can't think of a bigger waste of time. And when you think about it, wouldn't your time be better invested with someone who feels the same way about you? It's hard to let go of the past for we fear the future. But really, the future has many possibilities for success where the past is quite often littered in failure. The sooner we leave our past behind, the sooner our future will come.
Author cecil brown Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 It's hard to let go of the past for we fear the future. But really, the future has many possibilities for success where the past is quite often littered in failure. That's a good point; I am afraid of the future. I had everything planned around her, and when she left, it all came crumbling down.
NorCalDave Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Yep. All you have to know is that someone who truly loves you wouldn't walk away. They wouldn't have treated you badly (if they did). The point is, those who really love you would be willing to stick out the bad times with the good times. Those that won't simply do not love you. And why would you waste your love on someone who doesn't appreciate it? I can't think of a bigger waste of time. And when you think about it, wouldn't your time be better invested with someone who feels the same way about you? It's hard to let go of the past for we fear the future. But really, the future has many possibilities for success where the past is quite often littered in failure. The sooner we leave our past behind, the sooner our future will come. Thanks CG, great words. I can't think of a better reason to want to forget about my ex....the pain of wasted time...
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