two girls, one guy.

[Sleek Geek]

How do love triangles work when everyone is their early 30s? Do the old "I saw him first" rule apply? I feel really really bad because I am very attracted to a guy, Greg, who my friend Kate is very interested in, and has been interested in for some time now.

 

Greg and I went to college together. We were acquaintances back then and I was always a bit intrigued by him.

 

I ran into him in the spring this year, thought he was absolutely adorable and proceeded to start a shameless flirting campaign.

 

Enter Kate. Kate and I met this summer and became really great friends really fast. I love the girl. She's amazing, smart, funny and she deserves nothing but the best.

 

Within a week of knowing each other, Kate told me she was attracted to Greg. I probably said something like "yeah he's quite the catch", since, at the time, I hardly ever saw Greg and honestly thought they would make a great pair. I soon realized that her feelings for him ran deep. I didn't really worry about it, but decided that Greg was off-limits for me.

 

Except that well, lately Greg and I found ourselves at the same events a few times and I still find myself feeling very attracted to Greg. I am having a hard time holding off and I am starting to feel like I'm lying to Kate, especially when she shares her feelings for him with me.

 

Should I talk to her about my feelings?

 

Plus, I'm very confused as to what to do about Greg. He is a very friendly guy and has been reaching out to me. A part of me really wants to get to know him better but I fear it might make my feelings for him grow even more. Yet, I am having a really hard time holding off. I don't really know how I would justify not answering his emails etc.

 

I am rambling. But I hope someone can help.

[Trialbyfire]

It's strange how another girl's interest can change your perception of the man in question. Are you certain you're not experiencing feelings of "dog in the manger"?

[Sleek Geek]

I was interested in him before I met Kate and decided to hold off when I realized how strong she felt about him. Does anyone understand what I mean? You know when you're younger, there's this kind of moral code that if one of your friend really has it bad for a guy, then he's off-limits? Well this kind of feels the same way. She really has it bad for him.

 

So I don't think this has much to do with me wanting him because she's interested. I've never done that in my life.

 

Perhaps the fact that I had to veer off my usual flirting course is what has me confused. I am usually pretty straightfoward with guys and when I am interested in someone, I find ways to let them know so that I don't end up hanging on for nothing. I can't do that this time... and he does little things that make me think he could be interested in me, which makes the whole situation even more confusing.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Think about poor Greg and who he may be interested in, he may not be interested in Kate, or either of you in that way.

[Sleek Geek]

Think about poor Greg and who he may be interested in, he may not be interested in Kate, or either of you in that way.

 

That would actually solve the whole thing wouldn't it???

 

Maybe I am making a big fuss about nothing.

 

I guess one of the reason the whole thing is on my mind is because sometimes I feel like he is sending me these little hints that he is perhaps interested in me. Problem is, I try not to reciprocate. But it's starting to bug me... maybe I am missing out on something...

 

I'm just confused about which I should prioritize. My friendship with Kate or some unknown dating potential with Greg.

[sweetbutcheeky]

That would actually solve the whole thing wouldn't it???

 

Maybe I am making a big fuss about nothing.

 

I guess one of the reason the whole thing is on my mind is because sometimes I feel like he is sending me these little hints that he is perhaps interested in me. Problem is, I try not to reciprocate. But it's starting to bug me... maybe I am missing out on something...

 

I'm just confused about which I should prioritize. My friendship with Kate or some unknown dating potential with Greg.

 

I understand if you have started to like him too, you don't want to feel like you are lying to Kate.

 

But I would find out who he is interested in, then it's not you beating her to him. It's who he has connected with and also not your fault if he picks you over her!

 

Though if he does like you too and you two decide to go out, you probably so want to talk to Kate. Saying you were honest to her about Greg, just that recently you both have grown on each other and he told you he was interested in more than friends. Something like that.

 

But ya finding out if he is interested in either of you would make things clear.

 

Good luck!

[AngelsFan09]

Why hasn't Kate stepped upto the plate? Is it unrequited love? You may want to coax Kate into diving into this head on and figure out what Greg's thinking. (IE, actually getting Kate to talk to Greg and see what's he's feeling.)

[Ocean-Blue]

Why hasn't Kate stepped upto the plate? Is it unrequited love? You may want to coax Kate into diving into this head on and figure out what Greg's thinking. (IE, actually getting Kate to talk to Greg and see what's he's feeling.)

 

No offense AF, but this is the last thing she should do.

 

What if, Kate, thanks to SG's "coaxing" actually approaches Greg...and Greg says "why not" and starts something with her? Perhaps he wasn't really that into Kate, but b/c she approached him, he considers it and gives it a shot.

 

Once a friend goes there, you don't. So SG's chances with Greg are now gone (I gather from what she's written she's unlikely to pursue a man her friend has dated - even if it was a casual thing).

 

SG, you should talk to Kate. Leave Greg out of it for now. Ask her what she's thinking. And if she's the kind of girl that values honesty, then tell her how you feel. Perhaps you two can come to an agreement or something. But proceed with caution (she may end up resenting you).

 

Or you can just leave it...and let time sort it out.

[mental_traveller]

I would say go for it - the guy is an adult and will choose who he prefers. He's not a plot of land that your friend can lay claim to.

[Sleek Geek]

Why hasn't Kate stepped upto the plate? Is it unrequited love? You may want to coax Kate into diving into this head on and figure out what Greg's thinking. (IE, actually getting Kate to talk to Greg and see what's he's feeling.)

 

No offense AF, but this is the last thing she should do.

 

What if, Kate, thanks to SG's "coaxing" actually approaches Greg...and Greg says "why not" and starts something with her? Perhaps he wasn't really that into Kate, but b/c she approached him, he considers it and gives it a shot.

 

Once a friend goes there, you don't. So SG's chances with Greg are now gone (I gather from what she's written she's unlikely to pursue a man her friend has dated - even if it was a casual thing).

 

SG, you should talk to Kate. Leave Greg out of it for now. Ask her what she's thinking. And if she's the kind of girl that values honesty, then tell her how you feel. Perhaps you two can come to an agreement or something. But proceed with caution (she may end up resenting you).

 

Or you can just leave it...and let time sort it out.

 

Funny... I actually thought about coaxing her to do something about it. But then that would feel even more dishonest. If it did work out between them, then I would have my answer, but if it didn't, then, like OB pointed out, the situation could be even more complicated.

 

And Kate has told a few friends about Greg and they are all encouraging her to step up to the plate.

 

It feels like there is no right decision for me in this situation. I think I will just let it sit. I don't want to approach him with anything ressembling a revelation because I just don't believe in those. Right now, I am at a stage where I feel attracted to him, would like to get to know him more by dating. I don't know where it could go, and it's never been my style to rush into anything. I believe in dating lightheartedly at first.

 

The ideal solution, if he is interested in one of us, would be for him to do something about it.

 

I think that, if the subject comes up, I might try to mention something to her. Although, I tried in the past. I've even said he was an attractive man, but I think she read it as me supporting her crush on him.

 

Thanks for the replies. I will keep you posted if anything happens either way!

[Sleek Geek]

i won't go into too many details but I just found out that he isn't interested in her.

 

He basically told me straight out and out of the blue (no prompting on my part). Something along the lines of : Kate is a great friend but nothing more. Oddly, when he told me it really felt like it was in context, by which I mean I don't think he was trying to tell me that he was available or anything like that.

 

I've wondered whether or not I should tell Kate and decided it was best I didn't. Besides, I think she is starting to realize that it isn't going anywhere. But if anyone has any idea on how to handle this, I'd be glad to hear it!

 

Now I have no idea where this leaves me... I guess I'll just take it as it comes and see if anything happens between us.

[Ocean-Blue]

The context in which this came up is important. What was his reason for telling you (if it was not to let you know he's available?).

 

I think it's a good idea that you decided not to tell Kate about this. Her feelings will get hurt (even if she wasn't too interested in the first place) and you will not benefit in any way. If she's told you this isn't going anywhere...well that gives you the go ahead to proceed the way you see fit. I'd give it some time and then see what happens.

 

How is he with you? I'm sure, on some level, you probably have an idea of whether he's interested in you or not. I know with me, when I know a guy is interested, I sit there and stall b/c I want ABSOLUTE confirmation that he is into me (so I don't get rejected) - of course I'm not suggesting this is how you are.

 

Sometimes you just gotta take the plunge. Good luck SG!

[Sleek Geek]

Basically what prompted his comment was that Kate called while I was talking to him (ran into him in town) and when I hung up I think I said something like: that Kate, she sure cracks me up! (because she had been making endless jokes on the phone). And he continued on with "She's great, she's a great friend and nothing more. I used to worry that she had feelings for me but now I don't think that she does."

 

It was a weird thing to say. I didn't really reply anything except ah yeah?. I wasn't about to say: oh but she does!

 

To be honest, I think the reason I am thinking about this whole thing so much is because I can't help but think that he is perhaps as intrigued by me as I am by him. He buys me drinks, opens the car door for me, etc.

 

what I don't know is if this is normal procedure for him.

 

He could have had the opportunity to kiss me at one point and he didn't. And he hasn't asked me out. Yet.

 

I think I'll give it a few more run-ins before I make up my mind. Besides, call me old fashion, but while I like to encourage guys to ask me out, I much prefer it when they do the asking out.

[Ocean-Blue]

Basically what prompted his comment was that Kate called while I was talking to him (ran into him in town) and when I hung up I think I said something like: that Kate, she sure cracks me up! (because she had been making endless jokes on the phone). And he continued on with "She's great, she's a great friend and nothing more. I used to worry that she had feelings for me but now I don't think that she does."

 

It was a weird thing to say. I didn't really reply anything except ah yeah?. I wasn't about to say: oh but she does!

 

To be honest, I think the reason I am thinking about this whole thing so much is because I can't help but think that he is perhaps as intrigued by me as I am by him. He buys me drinks, opens the car door for me, etc.

 

what I don't know is if this is normal procedure for him.

 

He could have had the opportunity to kiss me at one point and he didn't. And he hasn't asked me out. Yet.

 

I think I'll give it a few more run-ins before I make up my mind. Besides, call me old fashion, but while I like to encourage guys to ask me out, I much prefer it when they do the asking out.

 

SG, I like it when a guy makes the first move too!

 

It seems like he's into you. You can compare how he was with Kate on the phone to how he is with you... Note anything different? If you do, you have your answer.

 

But I caution you not to wait too long. You don't want this turning into a Ross-Rachel thing.

[Sleek Geek]

SG, I like it when a guy makes the first move too!

 

It seems like he's into you. You can compare how he was with Kate on the phone to how he is with you... Note anything different? If you do, you have your answer.

 

But I caution you not to wait too long. You don't want this turning into a Ross-Rachel thing.

 

Thanks Ocean and don't worry! The reason I tend to be pretty upfront with guys is that I learned the hard way, when I was younger, how draining it can be to hang on to those kinds of feelings for too long. I'm pretty good at keeping myself from getting to invested in someone who doesn't return my feelings.

 

I'm still not sure how he feels because I'm not even sure he treats me any differently then he would any other woman, Kate or otherwise. Lately my radar has been really off when it comes to discerning interest. A few weeks ago I thought this guy was into me... and it turned out he was gay!

 

Greg is a really nice guy and I'm pretty sure that no matter what, things will work out for the best, whether we end up being friends or more.

 

I've been really stressed about other things lately and it's been nice feeling that little twinkle for someone.