Older man younger married woman

[r1jeepv]

I am 38yo male divorced for 5yrs after 9yrs of marriage, with no children, a good job, secure financially, no mental issues, and have been told I am handsome (I am maybe 20lbs overweight and working on it). Worse thing I have been called is a little controlling over myself, or I want what I want, but everyone says I am a fun friendly giving person that they like to be around. I like kids and have come to the conclusion that it may be late for me to start a family so a woman with children is ok because I like playing Dad and am good with kids.

 

I have had a few dates a couple relationships since the d. But I don't seem to be able to meet people my age that are single that don't have major issues (physically or mentally). The last relationship I was in was with a 28yo woman with 4 kids and little or no income, which would have been fine with me but she was mentally unstable.

 

Now I find myself in a relationship with a married woman that has 2 children and is 22yo, and was a friend to my previous gf so she is in the same low income boat. She filed for divorce right after she told me she liked me, but still has 3mo left before its final. She has been talking to me about having more kids with me, and getting married for the last time to me. We seem to communicate well and we are sexually compatible. She seems to honestly love me, and is willing to wait for my doubts to clear about the legitimacy of this relationship.

 

Before she told me she liked me I hung out with her husband and my ex-gf for a few months, we all got along great but she and I always seemed to communicate above and around the people with us, like on another level. So now I am wondering if she just knows how to play me, or if this is real. I know that this whole being interested in a woman that is married and still living with her husband is wrong and I have told her that she should really get her own place before we see anything about us. I really don't want to upset her husband because we get along good and hes a good father/guy.

 

The reason she is leaving him is because hes a drunk and beats her. I havent seen the beating thing but I do know for sure he is a drunk. He also is a auto mechanic and doesnt make enough to support them both, so she isnt happy with their income. I make about double and I think she might be attracted to that fact but realistically its not that much more in the overall scope. She also sees that I am a much more intellectual person and is attracted to that, because her husband is kinda stupid and doesnt really care what she does as long as its not in front of his face, so she doesnt feel like he cares for her. I think he does and hes giving her the divorce because he wants her to be happy. They have filed for divorce 3 times before but never gone through with it, and their relationship has been one of convenience instead of love. The whole thing makes me sick...but I think I am in love with her, but its probably infatuation.

 

I have read alot about the older man younger woman thing, and my ex-wife was 8 years younger than me. But this is 16 so its pretty scary. I also have kinda made the observation that uneducated women are pretty crazy until about 30, and cant be expected to keep to anything, which worries me. I am not sure if I just want another 8-10yr good relationship that will blow up, leaving me in my 50's...probably with children this time.

 

SO I guess I after telling you my story I have a few questions:

 

1. Should I give up on younger women and just take defective women my age?

 

2. Is there really no hope for a relationship with a 16yr difference in age?

 

3. Because we couldn't wait to start the relationship until her divorce was finished is our relationship destined for failure also?

 

4. I know shes a ego booster for me and the only thing I really get besides the flower in the lapel syndrome is the pride in being able to help her further her life and maybe the chance at some children (which I really want)....but is there anything else in it for her beside the upgrades in security and lifestyle?

 

5. I don't really want to stop it....I dont think I can...but if things were to work out for us, I want her husband still to be friends because of the kids. Will this be possible or will the fact that we started before the divorce make this impossible?

 

6. will she really leave him? or what is the chances she will go back?

 

Feel free to flame me or whatever I am just kinda messedup right now...and I will just ignore anything that is right in front of my face probably....

[whichwayisup]

She won't leave him. Not with you still in the picture...

 

Just FYI, 38 years old is NOT too old for a man to start a family! Just make sure it's with someone you can trust.

 

Even if she leaves him, could you fully trust her?

[r1jeepv]

well she was already in the processes before I knew her....several times like I said. I think I might have give her a reason, or just given her the strength. She has communicated that she doesnt know what she wants but she doesnt want what she has now. She is strong willed and I do believe she was going to leave him with or without me.....but I guess that remains to be seen.

 

TY for the words encouragement on starting a family! Trust is a big issue and one of the reasons why I haven't had children yet.

 

We have talked about her going to school and how to live on her own and things like that. I know I have an empowering effect because I do actually want the best for her and she can see that, at the same time I and she says she wants more.

 

I am not sure if I could trust her..but then again I am divorced so who could trust me? I know....There was no cheating in my divorce... it was that my wife changed what she wanted when she turned 28....she decided no kids and no family, and she moved out of the small town where we and our family's lived and moved away to the big city all alone. So trust is just the way things are perceived on experience. I am just taking her word for things right now....

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

1. Should I give up on younger women and just take defective women my age?

 

With all due respect R1, I dont think women around your age are necessarily defective

 

2. Is there really no hope for a relationship with a 16yr difference in age?

 

I dont think it matters about age difference necessarily...its the people who count and how strong the relationship is. That said, this woman will go through many changes through her twenties, as will you as you reach 40. Are you strong enough in your relationship to cope with these changes?

 

3. Because we couldn't wait to start the relationship until her divorce was finished is our relationship destined for failure also?

 

Again, I believe its down to the strength, honesty, trust and belief of one another in your relationship. If you doubt any of them, failure is probably likely

 

4. I know shes a ego booster for me and the only thing I really get besides the flower in the lapel syndrome is the pride in being able to help her further her life and maybe the chance at some children (which I really want)....but is there anything else in it for her beside the upgrades in security and lifestyle?

 

There may be many things in it for her, including love, trust, belief etc. However, it may indeed be a paycheck. What I would really be asking yourself is whether a relationship where you are "saving" the MW will work once you've saved her. If you're only getting a flower in your lapel, what else do you expect from a fully blown relationship with her?

 

5. I don't really want to stop it....I dont think I can...but if things were to work out for us, I want her husband still to be friends because of the kids. Will this be possible or will the fact that we started before the divorce make this impossible?

 

Of your own admission, her husband is a drunk who beats her. If this is true, I doubt a friendship will ensue with the W after she leaves him. He beats her now, so why would friendship be borne from abandonment? IMO this will be impossible, and definitely if her H knows W has had an A with you

 

6. will she really leave him? or what is the chances she will go back?

 

I dont think so in all honesty. She has put up with violence and still remained in the marriage. They have "threatened" divorce yet it never materialises. I dont think she will leave, although the fantasy of starting a new life with someone who can support her and who wants to save her must be very strong.

 

Feel free to flame me or whatever I am just kinda messedup right now...and I will just ignore anything that is right in front of my face probably....

 

No flaming from me, I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you think you may be panicking about wanting to settle down, have children etc? That you're choosing the first woman who you have a connection with?

 

There doesn't seem much love in this relationship, in all honesty. I dont mean that unkindly, but you yourself have said it is more of an ego boost for you. Does that equal love for you?

[r1jeepv]

Sorry I didnt mean all women are defective my age..it just seems all the good ones are in relationships and the ones that aren't do not match up, and I live in a rural area which makes it triplely hard!

 

 

Thanks for the upfront answers, and the questions.

 

I am no panicking about settling down, thats been my dream and goal forever (with the right person). She seems like the right person, but in the wrong situation...of course. I have several women in my life that are candidates but our connection is the strongest...thus my reasoning for overlooking such major drawbacks and still considering a relationship. I know Q.4 sounded very cut and dry so it sounds like there is no love... there is quite the contrary, we can sit for hours and talk and look intoeach others eyes and see there is so much more than even can be said, and when we do talk we each chip away at the ice around our hearts and feel that sinking feeling that the other is melting away barriers we each have put up. If its not love its, its pretty dang close, because it sure does feel good just to be with her and have her do and say things that I want but dont ask for.

[whichwayisup]

Do a site search on oyster, bonehead, and ratingsguy. All OM involved with MW. Their stories all had a sad ending....

 

well she was already in the processes before I knew her....several times like I said. I think I might have give her a reason, or just given her the strength. She has communicated that she doesnt know what she wants but she doesnt want what she has now.

 

Sadly, you might be known as the exit affair...But, not the one she ends up with at the end of it all. The rebound...

 

One cannot jump out of a marriage, especially one that you say is abusive. She will need time alone to BE alone, heal and be independant.

 

Also, you say trust is an issue, well, how will you trust her if she cheating on her husband with you now? Imagine yourself married to her - Could you fully trust her not to cheat on you too? If you have trust issues to begin with, this affair is NOT going to help that at all - It will only make you trust less.

 

This woman has children and a husband, and as much as you think you're helping her, you aren't. You're hurting yourself...You're helping her HURT her husband and betray her kids - The family unit. Abused or not, that doesn't give her the excuse to cheat. If she is miserable and wants out - She should get out because it's best for her and the kids...Not because you're in the picture.

[BestAdvisor1]

r1jeepv, it seems like you're "settling" for someone and I don't mean it in a good way. Do you really, truly love her and if so, can you truly trust her?

 

To Je Ne Regrette, I might be a little harsh on certain things I said, but it's the truth and sometimes, truth doesn't sound good. You seem like an educated person and someone who's intelligent. Why did you settle or get involved with a married man and continue to do so even after his refusal to leave his wife and even after your abortion. Is he really worth all these pain, downgrading yourself, etc.? Does true love involve pain like this? Can you really see yourself happy with him and trust him? How do you feel about his wife? I'm just curious.

[OpenBook]

To Je Ne Regrette, I might be a little harsh on certain things I said, but it's the truth and sometimes, truth doesn't sound good. You seem like an educated person and someone who's intelligent. Why did you settle or get involved with a married man and continue to do so even after his refusal to leave his wife and even after your abortion. Is he really worth all these pain, downgrading yourself, etc.? Does true love involve pain like this? Can you really see yourself happy with him and trust him? How do you feel about his wife? I'm just curious.

 

BestAdvisor, why are you dogging Je Ne? What's in it for you?

[r1jeepv]

whichwayisup thankyou for your harsh but true observations...thats probably something I needed to hear.

 

The trust issue is definitely a hold up at this point...isnt it that way in all these types of relationships? How do they actually end up working? ...if they do...

[whichwayisup]

Harsh is good because it opens your eyes.

 

I mean, imagine her husband finding out and confronting you. What would you say? How would you feel? Or, what if one of her kids saw you two together...How would you react to that?

 

So many threads OM/MW, MM/OW, or even married folks cheating with other married folks...It is so rare that one comes out on a positive note.

 

I can't remember his name, but there is a man who divorced his wife to be with his OW. The thing is, he distanced himself from her, never had sex with her, until he got a divorce. If I can remember his name, I'll post it later.

[justfine]

R1Jeep...

 

 

Your relationship with this MW is one that is likely to end up in disaster. Relationships are difficult enough even under the best of circumstances. From what I see, this MW sees you as a mealticket for her and her children. And forget about maintaining a good relationship with her husband after her divorce. If he's abusive with his wife, he has violent tendencies, which in turn, may end up being directed at you.

 

There is a good reason why adultery is a sin and you are playing with fire. Think with your head; not your heart. Pass on this woman; too much baggage.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

r1jeepv, it seems like you're "settling" for someone and I don't mean it in a good way. Do you really, truly love her and if so, can you truly trust her?

 

To Je Ne Regrette, I might be a little harsh on certain things I said, but it's the truth and sometimes, truth doesn't sound good. You seem like an educated person and someone who's intelligent. Why did you settle or get involved with a married man and continue to do so even after his refusal to leave his wife and even after your abortion. Is he really worth all these pain, downgrading yourself, etc.? Does true love involve pain like this? Can you really see yourself happy with him and trust him? How do you feel about his wife? I'm just curious.

 

Bestadvisor the "truth" is only the truth from your perspective and therefore becomes an opinion - opinions, perspectives and guidance is what this board is all about. However, judgements and criticism that is unconstructive is not what Loveshack is about and that is where I have issues with those too eager to criticise without offering understanding or constructive criticism/guidance.

 

Another posters thread is not the place to talk about the decisions I have made and why. You are welcome to ask questions on your own thread and I, and other OW/OM will answer them there. Do not ask me to reply again on another posters thread about my own issues as I do find it disrespectful to the original poster and therefore believe it best to start a thread concentrating on your questions.

 

If you are looking to gain understanding on extramarital relationships, I respect that and will answer your questions. Just not when the focus is on another posters problems.

[OWoman]

Hi r1jeepv,

 

My take, on reading your question, is that you've already answered it yourself. Your post contains a long list of reasons why not, dotted here and there with a couple of good things. If the good things were that good, there'd be more of them, or you'd have made more of them in your post. Instead, a long list of doubts and potential problems.

 

I don't think any of those issues in itself is a reason for it not working - but all together, and without enough positive stuff to counterbalance that, you need to ask yourself if it's worth the effort. It will certainly take lots of effort, and give you lots of pain in the process, and you need to decide for yourself whether the staring into each other's eyes and feeling a connection is enough to get you through all of that feeling like it was the right choice.

 

From what you've said so far, it sounds like your answer is "not".

[bish]

SO I guess I after telling you my story I have a few questions:

 

1. Should I give up on younger women and just take defective women my age?

 

So women your age are defective? Maybe that means you are defective too?

 

but go ahead...hook up with a woman 16 years younger...then when she is a hot looking 40 year old... and you are a wrinkly, droopy ass and sack 56, you'll end up catching her in bed with someone else.

 

2. Is there really no hope for a relationship with a 16yr difference in age?

 

In the short term...but in the long term....IMO....no. You have nothing in common with her. You were learning how to drive a car when she popped out of her momma.

 

 

3. Because we couldn't wait to start the relationship until her divorce was finished is our relationship destined for failure also?

 

No...it won't fail because of that reason.

 

 

4. I know shes a ego booster for me and the only thing I really get besides the flower in the lapel syndrome is the pride in being able to help her further her life and maybe the chance at some children (which I really want)....but is there anything else in it for her beside the upgrades in security and lifestyle?

 

Nope...not really...thats about it. maybe she likes an experienced man...at least until he becomes a seasoned citizen.

 

 

5. I don't really want to stop it....I dont think I can...but if things were to work out for us, I want her husband still to be friends because of the kids. Will this be possible or will the fact that we started before the divorce make this impossible?

 

That depends on her husband.

 

Feel free to flame me or whatever I am just kinda messedup right now...and I will just ignore anything that is right in front of my face probably....

 

Trust me...when you get older and not looking so good any longer, and she is in her prime at 40 and getting the younger, more toned guys wanting to pound her...she'll weigh her options...wrinkly old guy...or hot young stud.

 

IMO, its always better to find someone you can grow old with...but for some reason you see women your own age as defective.....so I guess you are screwed.

[norajane]

Shop around some more. Don't settle for a married 22 year old with 2 kids who has major marital problems.

 

Because if she leaves her H, (BIG if), then you get all her issues dropped in your lap. And just because you don't know and can't see her issues right now (because you are in affairyland and not living in the real world doing real world things with her), doesn't mean she doesn't have those issues. You just aren't privy to them yet (although she's 22 with 2 kids and already cheating on her husband...the warning bells should be going off loud and clear in your head!)

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I get the extreme impression she's looking for someone to rescue her. Enter YOU.

 

I found it kind of amusing that she looks down on her husband for being 'stupid' but let's be honest - she's only 22 and already has 2 kids. That's stupid. Most 22 year old youngin's I know are in COLLEGE or just graduating college - they're certainly not spitting out kids like a brood mare with a drunken 'stupid' mechanic. Methinks her intelligence level is right on par with her husband's.

 

And you know it.

 

And you also know you're scraping the bottom of the trailer park barrel by thinking you could actually have a decent marriage with her. She's looking for a meal ticket, dude. Nothing more.

 

Oh, here's a thought - tell her to quit spitting kids out and get herself an edumecashun. Then she wouldn't be looking to older men to bail her a*ss out of the mess she's gotten herself into.

 

You're FAR too superior to settle for her. I'm being dead serious. You are.