solitude Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 So he has not contacted you since you ended it? Unless he called but did not leave a message. I don't know. I have not talked to him since I left him. I date another guy but I can't forget my MM so it's just friendship for now.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 I meant, you can't be in a healthy committed relationship while you're in the midst of this relationship. You have to end this relationship first. I know... why do I feel so angry right now Well I am going home now... you all have a good week and thanks for your reply's... I will not call him I swear... if he is messing with me or trying to get out of this easy then we will see now... I am too tired to care
mopar crazy Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 No he said that he was thinking of leaving, you guys it is like he wants me to do everything, find the apartment, rent it ect ect... He got mad at me one day because I told him to call me to get the number of the rental agent he said that if I really wanted to move in with him then I would have called.. I didn't need to read the rest of your thread to know what kind of man he is. This is a BIG red flag here. Even if this guy is a SG I don't see anything good about him w/ his attitude. It's bad enough he seems like a controlling jerk, but a M one at that. You can do better hon.
PoshPrincess Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Unless he called but did not leave a message. I don't know. I have not talked to him since I left him. I date another guy but I can't forget my MM so it's just friendship for now. Solitude, I really feel for you. The past 8 months must have been so hard. I split with MM last year after only a year together and not I day goes by where I don't think about him often. I still miss him despite the fact that I am now in another R (with a SG of course!) Priscillia, the 'getting out' is the hardest bit. You will do it when you're ready but even so it will still be tough. Do you have a good support network around you? Do you have friends/family who know about your R with MM. If so, hopefully they will give you the love and encouragement you need to get yourself through this. You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for a man who is not prepared to put you first.
Ocean-Blue Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I know... why do I feel so angry right now Well I am going home now... you all have a good week and thanks for your reply's... I will not call him I swear... if he is messing with me or trying to get out of this easy then we will see now... I am too tired to care I hope you stuck to your guns!
Impudent Oyster Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 This is not a flame or a bash, but could someone PLEASE explain the thought process wherein the MM having a wife is okay, but an OOW is not? I can't wrap my brain around that logic. You already know he's committed to another person, that he sleeps with another woman and that's OK, but the minute an OW gets an inkling of yet another OW, they get offended. Why? Is it because the belief in his lies about not loving his wife or having sex with her will then be applied to you when he starts lying to the new OW? Is it because it's so much harder to kid yourself about what his true feelings are when he lies about you too?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 This is not a flame or a bash, but could someone PLEASE explain the thought process wherein the MM having a wife is okay, but an OOW is not? I've heard it explained like this: When OW and MM got together, OW did it with the understanding that he had a W. One that he wasn't in love with anymore, one that he doesn't sleep with anymore (or if he does, its bimonthly duty sex), and one that he is not emotionally connected with like he is with OW. OW can handle this, because they tell themselves that MM is getting what he is missing at home with them, and doesn't need it from anyone else. So... OW overlooks the W, because in her mind W is simply an obstacle in their relationship - no more, no less. OW sees that MM is emotionally committed to her, and only obligationally committed to W. Now... enter OOW. If MM gets with an OOW, OW fears that he is looking for something that he is missing with OW. OW begins to feel like perhaps MM isn't in love with her anymore, that MM doesn't really want to sleep with her anymore, that MM doesn't have that emotional connection anymore... because he is giving that to OOW now. When MM gets himself an OOW, he has broken the emotional commitment that OW perceives herself as having with MM. All bets are off on OOW, because OW feels that MM feels something for her that he doesn't feel for the W. An OW can handle the "sexless, passionless marriage" in her face, but not the "passionate, hot 'new sex' excitement" of a freshly minted affair behind her back. I've heard it said verbatim: I signed on for W, not OOW. The interesting thing is that OW are perplexed when MM gets an OOW. Its simple really. When MM begins to put his OW in the 'wife' category in his mind, he has to find someone to take that empty OW spot. Lots of MM do this, because they are simply cakemen who are wired that way, and will probably never change. They could, I guess. But most wouldn't want to.
bish Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Just call this intuition or something, but this is how I feel. Yes all I have been seeing a MM since last March, the 20th to be exact. So what it has been about 16 months, keep in mind in the beginning even though I suspected or asked him if he was married and he lied and said no I eventually found out. BOOM!...thats when you should have dumped him. Also I have not posted about this in a long time so please no bashing, I already know the damage that this has caused, I am frustrated lonely and second guessing myself and this whole freakin relationship. Ok...so this man lied to you...he is married...you know the damage this has caused...yet you are still with him?? I guess its true that lying, cheating jerks get the women. You know what I put myself out there and opened myself up to love again and I am probably with someone that even though I care deeply for him I still am lonely and feel little satisfaction but at the same time I feel like he is in my life for a reason but don't want to live like this any longer but don't want to live without him... I also know I don't think I am getting what I want... and it hurts. for petes sake...get away from this man then! go out and find a real man that isn't a cheater. if this man can do it to his wife...he can, and will, do it to you. He asked me to move in with him about two months ago but I told him that I need time because I have plans of buying a house, since then he has pushed me further away. thats because he doesn't have a live in sex slave now. sounds like he wanted you to move in so you would be there every night for him. I wish you guys could see the relationship and how he is it is difficult to go into detail. I just know that I have an empty feeling right now. HELP Ok...so I take it that he is no longer married? either way..you are different than most of the OW/OM that post here...you were lied to...but you kept on with him. He is a cheater and a jerk...get rid of him. Prove that it isn't true that all the cheating, lying jerks get the women. Cause if thats true...maybe I'm looking at this all wrong and need to become a dog myself.
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 P, I hope you're doing better today and have been doing some thinking too.... Bish, good post reply, except one thing - Don't become a dog. Too many of those types in the world today.
OWoman Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I've heard it explained like this: When OW and MM got together, OW did it with the understanding that he had a W. One that he wasn't in love with anymore, one that he doesn't sleep with anymore (or if he does, its bimonthly duty sex), and one that he is not emotionally connected with like he is with OW. OW can handle this, because they tell themselves that MM is getting what he is missing at home with them, and doesn't need it from anyone else. So... OW overlooks the W, because in her mind W is simply an obstacle in their relationship - no more, no less. OW sees that MM is emotionally committed to her, and only obligationally committed to W. <snip> LB I suspect that's probably right for a great many OW, but to me that position makes no sense. I've always assumed with all of my MM that, since they have wives, they're likely to be sleeping with them, whether or not they admit to it (and however perfunctory that sex may or may not be). I've also always assumed that, since I'm unwilling to be exclusive, it's unfair to demand or expect that of someone else. I have no issue with any of my MM having an OOW or an active relationship with their Ws. That's their call, and if it were to impact negatively on our R - not seeing enough of them, or whatever - then I'm free to go elsewhere. But I WOULD demand and expect of them to be honest with me - if I discovered that there was an OOW despite his denials, that would break the agreement and end the R.
PoshPrincess Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 I've heard it explained like this: When OW and MM got together, OW did it with the understanding that he had a W. One that he wasn't in love with anymore, one that he doesn't sleep with anymore (or if he does, its bimonthly duty sex), and one that he is not emotionally connected with like he is with OW. OW can handle this, because they tell themselves that MM is getting what he is missing at home with them, and doesn't need it from anyone else. So... OW overlooks the W, because in her mind W is simply an obstacle in their relationship - no more, no less. OW sees that MM is emotionally committed to her, and only obligationally committed to W. When I was with MM I fully expected him to be sleeping with his W and although obviously I would have rather he didn't, she was his W, she was there first, and had a right over him that I didn't have. If I had thought our R was casual (ie just no strings sex) then I would've also assumed he was a 'shagger' and also sleeping with other women besides me. However, I stupidly believed that we were in love (well, I was - who knows about him!) and therefore would not have expected him to be sleeping with anyone else (aside from his W - God, does this sound as f*cked up as I think it does?!) Now... enter OOW. If MM gets with an OOW, OW fears that he is looking for something that he is missing with OW. OW begins to feel like perhaps MM isn't in love with her anymore, that MM doesn't really want to sleep with her anymore, that MM doesn't have that emotional connection anymore... because he is giving that to OOW now. When MM gets himself an OOW, he has broken the emotional commitment that OW perceives herself as having with MM. If my MM had got with a OOW then I would have rightly assumed that he wasn't really in love with me, his W or anyone else. I've heard it said verbatim: I signed on for W, not OOW. The interesting thing is that OW are perplexed when MM gets an OOW. Its simple really. When MM begins to put his OW in the 'wife' category in his mind, he has to find someone to take that empty OW spot. Lots of MM do this, because they are simply cakemen who are wired that way, and will probably never change. They could, I guess. But most wouldn't want to. ....as my signature says! It is all seriously f*cked up and totally unjustifiable in thinking like that. I guess basically, if a MM has made some sort of verbal commitment then we feel, rightly or wrongly, that he should be staying faithful to us.
Author pricillia Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 so since I posted this thread, I had not called him for two days... On the second day at about 9:30 at night he called, I answered on the 3rd call. He was upset that I did not call him.. ect ect. He could have called me.. There is more to this story but I just don't feel like getting into it right now
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 so since I posted this thread, I had not called him for two days... Good for you!! Hey, who cares if it upset him. He's a big boy and can deal with it. Maybe now he'll see that you aren't bending to HIS time frame 24/7 and you not contacting him for two days hit his ego, knocked him down afew pegs. Stay strong P. You can do this, just take baby steps.
Havn_a_life Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 The feelings you are experiencing is how his W felt. You can get away from this guy. He's jerk, Pricillia. he's done it to 2 women you know of, mentioned above. Now he's on a 3rd, or how many more that you don't know of. You have a choice to either keep dealing with it or get out of it. I say get out of it. He probably does have an OOW, or numerous others. Men like that always do. Best of luck to you.
Author pricillia Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 The feelings you are experiencing is how his W felt. You can get away from this guy. He's jerk, Pricillia. he's done it to 2 women you know of, mentioned above. Now he's on a 3rd, or how many more that you don't know of. You have a choice to either keep dealing with it or get out of it. I say get out of it. He probably does have an OOW, or numerous others. Men like that always do. Best of luck to you. That is the thing I am not sure... Thanks for the luck. anyway I am tired..
ladybug63 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 My question is what is it that you want? If he cannot provide you with what you want,you probably don't need to be with him. It seem to me that you deserve so much more but you don't need someone along for the ride. You can do bad by yourself. Ask yourself what can he offer me? You replied to a post on my thread I think you must have read my story. Best of luck to you.
IpAncA Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 If he can't be exclusive with his W what makes you think he will be with you? Plus he's proved he can't just by being with you. You shouldn't even really expect him to actually. I'm not going to try and convince you or anyone on here that they deserve better because I think if you or anyone wanted better, I honestly believe it would happen. I guess I don't understand why anyone would want to be the women that fills the need(s) MM's marriage doesn't. If those needs were met, OW wouldn't be there in most instances. What does that say other then a chess piece that gets moved when MM has an itch that needs scratched here and there? Guess fantasy is better than reality. But I can say the same thing you said about it being nature. Maybe it's not in his nature to remain exclusive and to actually be able to committ himself in a relationship.
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