pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Just call this intuition or something, but this is how I feel. Yes all I have been seeing a MM since last March, the 20th to be exact. So what it has been about 16 months, keep in mind in the beginning even though I suspected or asked him if he was married and he lied and said no I eventually found out. Also I have not posted about this in a long time so please no bashing, I already know the damage that this has caused, I am frustrated lonely and second guessing myself and this whole freakin relationship. You know what I put myself out there and opened myself up to love again and I am probably with someone that even though I care deeply for him I still am lonely and feel little satisfaction but at the same time I feel like he is in my life for a reason but don't want to live like this any longer but don't want to live without him... I also know I don't think I am getting what I want... and it hurts. He asked me to move in with him about two months ago but I told him that I need time because I have plans of buying a house, since then he has pushed me further away. I wish you guys could see the relationship and how he is it is difficult to go into detail. I just know that I have an empty feeling right now. HELP
noforgiveness Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Is he separated? Living on his own? Maybe he does not want to live alone without a woman all the time. Maybe he is dating someone else because you said no when he asked you to move in.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 No he said that he was thinking of leaving, you guys it is like he wants me to do everything, find the apartment, rent it ect ect... He got mad at me one day because I told him to call me to get the number of the rental agent he said that if I really wanted to move in with him then I would have called... I am not ready in a financial way, and I know that he is not either. I got a promotion into a sales position where I work, if this works out I could make what I need to to do what I need to do. It is such a long story...
noforgiveness Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 So he's still living with his wife and wants a nice cushy place to land when she finds out or he tells her? Have you told him you can't handle being the ow anymore? Don't see him, don't talk to him until he is legally separated from his wife with paperwork to show for it. It is the only way to know. He has to be a man and grow some balls. Are you sure you really want someone like this?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 He's looking for a 'mama' to take care of him, while he goes and plays with OW. I guess when he emotionally discarded his wife, and put you into that position he felt that he needed an OOW to take your 'OW' place. Unless you feel like supporting a guy who clings to you in some sort of weird mother/son while you support him and take care of him while he continues to see other women behind your back, I would ditch him Priscilla. It may not seem like it, but if you could find your way out of this you will have dodged some serious heartache bullets. You think its bad now? I have a feeling this guy will shred you in the end, just like he did the wife before you.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 So he's still living with his wife and wants a nice cushy place to land when she finds out or he tells her? Have you told him you can't handle being the ow anymore? Don't see him, don't talk to him until he is legally separated from his wife with paperwork to show for it. It is the only way to know. He has to be a man and grow some balls. Are you sure you really want someone like this? Right that is how I feel as well. I am not the type of girl that needs attention all of the time however I feel so lonely, I am not going to deny that any longer.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 He's looking for a 'mama' to take care of him, while he goes and plays with OW. I guess when he emotionally discarded his wife, and put you into that position he felt that he needed an OOW to take your 'OW' place. Unless you feel like supporting a guy who clings to you in some sort of weird mother/son while you support him and take care of him while he continues to see other women behind your back, I would ditch him Priscilla. It may not seem like it, but if you could find your way out of this you will have dodged some serious heartache bullets. You think its bad now? I have a feeling this guy will shred you in the end, just like he did the wife before you. He is still with his wife... I want a real relationship
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 He is still with his wife... I want a real relationship He may still be with her, but it sounds like he has transferred his 'wifely' feelings from her to you, but I have a feeling he will continue to stay with her in the marital home until he knows that you will get a place for him to move into and support him in the lifestyle that he prefers. It sounds like he is grooming you for the 'wife' position, while getting a new OW lined up. Is there any way you can find out about OOW? Is that something that would allow you to make your break from him?
noforgiveness Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Now is a great time to start on that real relationship. Getting a promotion and starting a new job in sales will put you out there to meet new men. Start fresh with the new job. If it was meant to be he will be a man and come to you when he separates. New job start of new happier life.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 He may still be with her, but it sounds like he has transferred his 'wifely' feelings from her to you, but I have a feeling he will continue to stay with her in the marital home until he knows that you will get a place for him to move into and support him in the lifestyle that he prefers. It sounds like he is grooming you for the 'wife' position, while getting a new OW lined up. Is there any way you can find out about OOW? Is that something that would allow you to make your break from him? Yes it would make me make a break from him. You know it is funny I just got a headache thinking about this. Lately it is me making all of the effort, I call him he does not call me. I will just stop calling him, I bet he won't call me any longer
Ocean-Blue Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Considering that he cheated on his wife with you, why are you surprised that he may be cheating on you (although, when you are the OW, how is that possible). You are an adult. You knew the risks of getting involved with a MM, and yet you took them. You obviously let your feelings for him cloud your judgment. Based on what you've said in this thread, this man doesn't seem to be providing you with much. So why kill your soul by staying with such an unfaithful, fickle man? If you are lonely, get out there and find someone else. Do whatever you have to do...but the sake of your health, get the hell out of this relationship. He is using you - you have become his safety net. When all else fails, he'll run to you, because thinks (I'm sure) that because you began in such an illicit way, you will understand...that you will condone whatever comes your way (the downside of being the OW I'm sure). Cheating is such a cruel thing to do. And I'm sure you've heard it all...so I'll save you the speech. But as a woman...I hope you do get out of this and take care of yourself. And love yourself. Being with this man is self-inflicted pain really. Think about that.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Considering that he cheated on his wife with you, why are you surprised that he may be cheating on you (although, when you are the OW, how is that possible). You are an adult. You knew the risks of getting involved with a MM, and yet you took them. You obviously let your feelings for him cloud your judgment. Based on what you've said in this thread, this man doesn't seem to be providing you with much. So why kill your soul by staying with such an unfaithful, fickle man? If you are lonely, get out there and find someone else. Do whatever you have to do...but the sake of your health, get the hell out of this relationship. He is using you - you have become his safety net. When all else fails, he'll run to you, because thinks (I'm sure) that because you began in such an illicit way, you will understand...that you will condone whatever comes your way (the downside of being the OW I'm sure). Cheating is such a cruel thing to do. And I'm sure you've heard it all...so I'll save you the speech. But as a woman...I hope you do get out of this and take care of yourself. And love yourself. Being with this man is self-inflicted pain really. Think about that. Your right it is cruel...I do think that he is using me He is fickle Today is my count down guys.. since I am doing all the work... I will not call him... let's see if this dissolves
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 He is still with his wife... I want a real relationship The only way to have that is ending with him. He's a dead-end...Meaning, you want him? Things will be the way they are for a long time, or for however long you want to be in this affair. Do the list thing. Good list - All the things you like/love about him. How he makes you feel etc... The bad list - All the things you dislike about him, how he makes you feel bad, how you are missing out on so much by waiting for him...etc... I think once you see for yourself HOW little this man actually has to offer you long term, that is IF he ever leaves his wife, and if you could ever fully trust him - You'll end it. Sure it will probably hurt like hell, you may need counselling to help you cope, but YOU WILL survive. And, you'll go on with your life without the drama, the rollercoaster ride and all that pain. The stresses, anxiety, everything will be gone... P, I really hope if you do NC, do it for you. Not to see if he calls or doesn't call. Use that time to start healing yourself, making your own closure...Detaching and getting used to not having him in your life. He is not healthy for you at all, this A is killing WHO you are in so many ways...
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 I just can't imagine things without him...but I am giving much more than him that is for sure. He did come se me before work today, but he won't answer any of my calls. Hey I know that he has things going on in his life... but I want him to be there for me. He isn't and don't think he will be
norajane Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 You know what I put myself out there and opened myself up to love again and I am probably with someone that even though I care deeply for him I still am lonely and feel little satisfaction but at the same time I feel like he is in my life for a reason but don't want to live like this any longer but don't want to live without him... I also know I don't think I am getting what I want... and it hurts. He is in your life for a reason - you allow him to be in it. Did you read what I wrote in Fun2BeMe's thread - the one where I asked her why she's drawn to unsuitable or unavailable men? Maybe you keep him in your life because you really aren't ready for a committed, intimate, forever-type relationship. You opened yourself up to him even after you found out he was married - doing that is one way to keep yourself from loving someone you really could end up with. It seems counter-intuitive, since you want love in your life...but this way you get a version of 'love' without taking it to a deeper level.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 He isn't going to be there the way you want him to be. Ever. He's married and has other committments. Sadly, because of this, you may put him first and make him your 'everything', but he won't do that for you... I know you can't imagine things and life without him...But, can you imagine your life as it is now for another 5 years? 10 years? Give that some thought Pricilla. Doesn't that just scare the crap outta ya? Would you rather settle for less because you're scared of feeling the pain and the loss of him not in your life? Or would you rather work through the pain, heal and find a man who can offer you the world?
IpAncA Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 No Pricillia he's not. After 16 months look where you still are. I get that you want a real relationship. You can still have that, just not with a MM. Sounds like you've run your course with this man and I think deep down you know this isn't going to work. You've wasted enough time with him. Why waste more?
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 He is in your life for a reason - you allow him to be in it. Did you read what I wrote in Fun2BeMe's thread - the one where I asked her why she's drawn to unsuitable or unavailable men? Maybe you keep him in your life because you really aren't ready for a committed, intimate, forever-type relationship. You opened yourself up to him even after you found out he was married - doing that is one way to keep yourself from loving someone you really could end up with. It seems counter-intuitive, since you want love in your life...but this way you get a version of 'love' without taking it to a deeper level. I am ready for a committed relationship! And as far as comparing me to FUN... I don't have the need to seek out multiple men for adoration and drama.
solitude Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 This is my first post here but your story brought sad memories. I lived somehing similar with a married man. I was doign all the work. I finally left him after 3 years. He never left his wife. I don,t think she ever found out about me. What he wanted was sex on the side with a comfortable life at home with his wife and kids. He lied to me all those years saying he would leave her. The pain is still raw. I left him 8 monts ago. I do miss him a lot.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 This is my first post here but your story brought sad memories. I lived somehing similar with a married man. I was doign all the work. I finally left him after 3 years. He never left his wife. I don,t think she ever found out about me. What he wanted was sex on the side with a comfortable life at home with his wife and kids. He lied to me all those years saying he would leave her. The pain is still raw. I left him 8 monts ago. I do miss him a lot. I am sorry solitude, hang in there, wow 8 months that is a long time... keep it up, I know that you miss him but you did the right thing.
norajane Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I am ready for a committed relationship! And as far as comparing me to FUN... I don't have the need to seek out multiple men for adoration and drama. The comparison I see with you and Fun is both of you are unable to be in a healthy, committed relationship as long as you're devoting your energy to unavailable men, whether it be emotionally or physically unavailable, and/or married. If you are ready for a committed relationship, get rid of this guy who will not give you that.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 The comparison I see with you and Fun is both of you are unable to be in a healthy, committed relationship as long as you're devoting your energy to unavailable men, whether it be emotionally or physically unavailable, and/or married. If you are ready for a committed relationship, get rid of this guy who will not give you that. wo... wait a moment.. I am able and willing to be in a healthy committed relationship... I am not making any excuses for myself or him for that matter.
solitude Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I am sorry solitude, hang in there, wow 8 months that is a long time... keep it up, I know that you miss him but you did the right thing. It is a long time, I know I did the right thing I just hope I can keep it up. I sometimes have such an urge to call him, I know he woudl be back right away. He said he will always love me. I wrote him a letter but never sent it. It's in my drawer, I read it from time to time. It is so hard. I miss him so much.
Author pricillia Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 It is a long time, I know I did the right thing I just hope I can keep it up. I sometimes have such an urge to call him, I know he woudl be back right away. He said he will always love me. I wrote him a letter but never sent it. It's in my drawer, I read it from time to time. It is so hard. I miss him so much. So he has not contacted you since you ended it?
norajane Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 wo... wait a moment.. I am able and willing to be in a healthy committed relationship... I am not making any excuses for myself or him for that matter. I meant, you can't be in a healthy committed relationship while you're in the midst of this relationship. You have to end this relationship first.
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