Man goes back to wife

[Tomcat33]

Im OK. I went to the doctor last night to get some anti-anxiety medication as I am so stessed and over the edge at home and at work lately.He emailed me this morning and says his wife is gone for 3 days and he is ready to see me today at lunch if I can). I dont get it,he says he wants to fix things with his wife. Why does he want to keep seeing me physically. I dont even get the emotional part or nice things that even went with it before like the sweet words or emails or calls even. Why are men cold like that. I never ever have had the ability to turn emotions on and off like a water faucet. Im getting really close to telling him off but I do still care deeply and Im not an ugly or vindictive person by nature.But he really needs to know the damage hes done once and for all before I say goodbye.

I know most dont want to hear but we really did have an unbelieveable fairytale type relationship while he was separated. And ad I keep stressing this the divorce papers were so close to being signed. This is just so hard to fathom and grasp.I really want to walk away and not speak to him again for what hes done. I really want to get angry and tell him off but something keeps holding me back. Im ususlly a strong independant person. Im tough. Im an electrical engineer working in a sea of many men. But I crumble and fall apart like a mental patient over this dips**it.

 

Good for you for taking steps towards your recovery, ie. seeing your doct etc.

 

I know that what you had seemed unbelievbaly good, I don't doubt it was most rels that are as this usually are and especially if they are based on emotion the sex is just the explosion of all the intense emtiones shared from all the moments of happiness spend togetjer. There are a lot of very intense emotions that felt and lived, that some people may never even experience in a lifetime.

 

But as this is lived so intensely for you it was also like this for him, the worst thing you can do is facilitate for him a situation whereby he continues to have this with you not prompting him to do anything about his marrital arrangement. If you continue to see him at his whim all you will do is prolongue this pain, he will eventually get his fill from you only making easier for him to walk away down the line and never look back. The more he gets of you under these circumstances the more he will feel like he has had his fill. Please think about that when you are thinking with you heart about seeing him everytime he can fit you in.

He needs to feel your abscence too, otherwise you give him no reason at ALL to make any effort to change the current situation. In time you will become more frustrated and disillusioned and all the while he might even be working things out with his W only to find one day he will dump you again, this time for good. I know this sounds harsh but think ahead and not in the immediate gratification. Think long term gain not momentary gain.

[Impudent Oyster]

I know most dont want to hear but we really did have an unbelieveable fairytale type relationship while he was separated. quote]

 

And now he's back from his vacation to fantasyland and ready to go back to reality.

 

He just took a break from the daily grind. How nice for him.

[Havn_a_life]

Thank you for the advice.Im am just not strong enough to braek away I guess and I keep hoping he will realize what he is missing out on with me I guess .I am being selfish I know but it hurts so much.Its not right that I end up by myself with a broken heart. I realize it was not fair to her either as i am not heartless nor a bad person.I happened to fall in love.Its not fair that he can go back home to have his wife accept him back and get his perfect life back and decide to placate me and keep me in his life on the side because hes used to me,or misses me ,or is afraid I will do someting.I guess this pain is my karma but where is his??

 

What he's missing out on is the life he should have with his W. You should bow out gracefully and find a nice SG to share your life with.

Good luck!

[Jinnah]

Earlier you tried to play the innocent party (to bish) by saying: Actually you are wrong. I told him from the beginning to not leave his wife and I wanted nothing to do with him if he did.

 

How mixed up is this?!?!

 

And no I did NOT SLEEP with him until after he left home and had filed for a divorce.And NO I did not know about leaving her the way he did until almost toward the end of our fling.He kept that secret.Im not soem monster.

Then you say:

He emailed me this morning and says his wife is gone for 3 days and he is ready to see me today at lunch if I can). I dont get it,he says he wants to fix things with his wife. Why does he want to keep seeing me physically.

 

... which proves you are not an innocent victim... you know he is married, and yet you still talk to him (and I bet you wind up meeting with him, unless he stands you up).

 

Get out of this! Women (and men) need to realize they deserve more than this!

 

How could you want to be a part of hurting another woman this way?! You wouldn't want it to happen to you! You say you are a torn-up mess... imagine how much worse it is for his WIFE! You are just a FLING (your words).

 

This is horrible and needs to stop.

 

Of course he is still trying to meet with you while HIS WIFE IS AWAY. He is a cheater and you are second best to him.

 

Sorry to be so harsh... just think about it. I really hope you can get out of this... this is no life to live. Get something better than this.

[precious1357]

This is the worse...talk about harsh, i thought this forum was for some type of support or at least a listening "ear". This forum is more of a "stoning" session! Good grief, most of the people in this group are miserable. Who would want to stay married to a bunch of miserable people!

[Jinnah]

This is the worse...talk about harsh, i thought this forum was for some type of support or at least a listening "ear". This forum is more of a "stoning" session! Good grief, most of the people in this group are miserable. Who would want to stay married to a bunch of miserable people!

 

People with morals will not support sin, but they will provide help on how to get out of the situation... if the person doesn't realize their mistake it makes it more difficult b/c they need help in seeing what they did or are doing is wrong.

 

Don't expect people to candy-coat everything and tell you what you want to hear... that's not real help.

 

You sound very judgemental... you just "stoned" everyone that told her the truth just b/c you don't happen to agree... not our fault.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, like it or not, the MM made a choice to cheat on his wife, and he did. He also has the right to change his mind and decide he doesn't want to have an affair anymore, therefore ending it. HIS CHOICE and as much as you may not like his decision, it is what it is. If you can't deal with his choice, get some therapy to help you cope.

[Tomcat33]

The thing is, like it or not, the MM made a choice to cheat on his wife, and he did. He also has the right to change his mind and decide he doesn't want to have an affair anymore, therefore ending it. HIS CHOICE and as much as you may not like his decision, it is what it is. If you can't deal with his choice, get some therapy to help you cope.

 

Well said. That's just it unfortunately! As an OW if you give him all the

power he will have all the power, one has two choices, let him decide or take the situation in one's own hands and decide for ourselves. Some of us can do it some of us can't.

[TexasSadGirl]

TomCat can you tell me what you did to get over heartbreak.

 

I know nobody will like to hear what I have to say but his wife left out of town for 3 days and I met him in town and he took me to his house the past several nights. I had never been there before. It was kind of strange. He took me on a tour of the house and it was just weird now visualizing where he lives and his house and seeing pictures of his wife. I do feel bad and I do not appreciate the non OW who just dont understand the situation. I am not asking for people to lie to me and tell me what I want to hear and I do not want to be chastized for my morals either.

 

I realize he is not mine to love. I cant help it but I do love him. Im very fond of him and I miss him so much.I realize that a marriage of 23 years with freinds,family and a history does not even begin to compete with a short relationship such as the one we had.I realize the W is the one really hurting and since she was cheated on and dumped in her first marriage by her first husband that this must be especially devastating to have to relive it again but at least he is back in her life.

 

Anyway we had an incredible 2 nights together and did everything romantically possible.I know in my heart that he is not mine to covet or keep.

I know he has feelings for me and is very fond of me and does miss me.We would like to remain in each others lives but he does want to try and fix his marriage and if not they will walk away instead of him just up and leaving the way he did. In a strange way I respect him for his actions and he is being honest about it. He knows the way I am feeling and knows that I would love to have another chance with him, someday. He tells me "I know this probably isnt going to sound right or come out right but if thinks dont work out just know you are the only other woman I would ever be with but I cant promise right now or tomorrow or how far down the line it wwould ever be"

 

I know I need to work on myself. I know I need to get focused as I have not been able to work or concentrate at work since the breakup.I need to concentrate on my MBA classes. I need to get in the gym and get healthy again. I dont understand the attraction. Maybe its because he treated me so special when he was with me or its the same ole line humans want what they cant have. Maybe its because he is an older man. Im 38 he is 54. Not that big an age difference. But older men just act differently not like any other immature man Ive ever been with.I cant let go. I know it sucks and Im not waiting around for him to pick me or anything. I will go out and meet people and see other guys but suffice it to say that I choose to stay in his life. I know its never going to be just friends because of the history there but he is too important to me to just up and NC and disappear. I cant play these games of NC and go away and just swallow my feelings and pretend they dont exist.

 

Have any OW out there keep in MM lives and had it end up turning out OK. Like a good friendship or a comforatble realtionship formned and you guys were just always kind of there for each other.

 

Can you tell me how to rid of the heaviness in my heart and the feeling in my chest that just does not subside. I know I need to step aside and let him do what he needs to.Im not sure I could ever give him what she in 23 years gave but I have these feelings that wont go away...

[Ladyjane14]

I cant help it but I do love him. Im very fond of him and I miss him so much.

 

See, this is the part that I just don't understand. You say you "can't help it"... but really, IME people are perfectly capable of putting their logic ahead of their emotions. Feelings are just that... feelings. Facts are the building blocks of logic. Logic is the cornerstone of good decision-making.

 

The first step to getting the facts is to RECOGNIZE this guy for what he is rather than what you want him to be. This is a guy who has not only broken the vows he made to his wife, but has now violated the sanctity of HER HOME.

 

Really... you're 38. Not a kid. This woman's investment in her marriage and home-life is 23 years old. That's the equivalent of YOU dedicating your life to something at the age of 15 and sticking with it. All those years... gone. Nobody can ever have even one minute of their life back. And with this betrayal he has WASTED the best years of this woman's life, the woman he vowed to love and cherish FOREVER.

 

How can you "love" somebody who would do such a thing?

It's just doesn't stand to reason that you do. What is MORE reasonable is that you just think you love him because you've made him into more than what he actually is. What he is... is a snake, who brought his mistress into his wife's private domain, ADDING to his betrayal of the vows he made to her and the years she's invested in being his partner.

[TexasSadGirl]

LadyJane I guess you are right.

I am a weak person that doesnt like to let go.

Im not sure if you read through all my stuff. I just really thought he was leavig her to start a future with us and Im fixated on that. I do have deep feelings because while we were together and he was in process of filing for a divorce we had ti all it seemed and then he felt guilty and neededto go back. We have feelings for each other and its hard to let go.

[TogetherForever]

LadyJane I guess you are right.

I am a weak person that doesnt like to let go.

Im not sure if you read through all my stuff. I just really thought he was leavig her to start a future with us and Im fixated on that. I do have deep feelings because while we were together and he was in process of filing for a divorce we had ti all it seemed and then he felt guilty and neededto go back. We have feelings for each other and its hard to let go.

 

TSG,

You both have feelings for each other but he has guilt for what he has done to his wife. The guilt must have been much stronger than what he feels for you. Sounds harsh (sorry) but I truely (sp) believe it.

Could it be that guilt = love for his wife? I think maybe.

((((TSG))))

[Ladyjane14]

I am a weak person that doesnt like to let go.

 

Is that the person you want to be?

Because if it isn't, change starts with YOU. No one else can make you into someone you don't want to be unless you let them. You're not some silly kid who doesn't already know that.

 

Yeah... putting knowledge into practice is harder than putting it on paper, but in the end, it's effort that will directly benefit YOU... an investment in yourself and in the person you MOST want to be. I don't see how you can maintain a positive self-image if at your core you view yourself as "weak".

 

You know, succumbing to weakness once doesn't necessitate that you must always be so. But to defeat it and invoke positive change in your life, you must defeat it in the mind. That's where it lives. So, you have to exchange the old, worn-out thought process for something new and more positively charged. The old mindset has led you to where you are today... and obviously, it's not getting the job done because you're feeling "weak" and unhappy, settling for less than decency in your relationship.

 

It takes deliberation and it takes self-monitoring, but it IS possible to replace the old stinkin' thinkin' with something more uplifting that will help you to creatively visualize a better future, a future with YOU in the starring role as "that woman I started out to be". If you change your inner mantra you empower that which you've creatively visualized.

[whichwayisup]

LadyJane I guess you are right.

I am a weak person that doesnt like to let go.

Im not sure if you read through all my stuff. I just really thought he was leavig her to start a future with us and Im fixated on that. I do have deep feelings because while we were together and he was in process of filing for a divorce we had ti all it seemed and then he felt guilty and neededto go back. We have feelings for each other and its hard to let go.

 

Will you please take a break and consider talking to a therapist?

 

He changed his mind and somehow you need to accept and deal with that. It's over...

 

I am sorry you're in this much pain, and I hope you DO get stronger, wiser and with help of counselling, gain the strength you need to walk away, cut him out of your life, your heart and find happiness again.

[stillafool]

You're 38? You'd better get moving on making your own life now. Do you want kids? If so, you don't have time to mess around with this guy.

 

 

Let me tell you something - he is a liar and a cheat. I haven't read every post but I'm sure you've been told that if he lies to his wife he certainly will lie to you. The money he spent doesn't matter because he spent it making himself happy. Even if you had him he would do the same to you. When you said he let you (his mistress) stay in he and his wife's home for 2 days and had sex. That tells me all I need to know about this guy. You're right he isn't that much older than you but has the maturity level of a 16 year old boy. I can't believe you let him disrepect you by not even spending money on a hotel room but making you "do it" in his wife's home. No, this guy will not leave his wife. I'm sorry you're hurt but you are not a child and you must have realized where this would lead at your age. I suggest you get into counseling and not waste another minute of your precious life on this loser.

[foreverchanged]

The definition of morals: principles or habits with respect to right or wrong behavior or conduct.

I believe that no one has the right to judge us on being the OW or accuse any of us of not having morals. Clearly they have no morals themselves or they would not behave in an accusatory manner toward those who's shoes they have not walked in (especially when they have never been OW). Judging others, insulting others, and trying to make others feel ashamed is not moral behavior either becauase it is WRONG. Please don't let those posts steer you away from reaching out for our support.

 

So, you are saying in order to form morals, one has to participate in every activity right or wrong? Not to bash OW/OM, but if your behaviour was honest, good and accepted in polite society, then you wouldn't be HIDING and LYING about what you are doing, would you? I don't have to willingly have sex with a married man, to know how wrong it is on ALL levels. I feel for Texas, and hope she learned an important life lesson. I am sorry about her pain, she didn't deserve to be treated like this, but you know what they say, lie with dogs and you will get fleas. If I were her, I would let the wife know he is still contacting me. Who knows, that might be the wife's deal breaker. I would like to hear from her in a year, she sounds like she has alot going for her, all she needs is to gain some self respect and esteem.

[TexasSadGirl]

Ladyjane

Thank you for helping. It really hits close to home whe you say these things. I want to be strong. To leave. To stop emailing him. To stop answering his. To stop living every minute of my life waiting for him to come back. I feel so much like breaking down and crying but I am at work and Ive had enough crying.How do you make the heart stop hurting.I feel so awful for going to his house like I did. I just hoped it would make him take me back. To give myself false hope. He even says he loves me still and I continually buy it. I was rading LilaBlues posts earlier (scary) I just feel like I am losing my mind . Like Im obsessed, Why is that??

[reboot]

The best thing about this forum is learning you aren't alone, and you're not just stupid. You see lots of other people with the same problems and the same feelings. Life, and love, is hard. It just is. Somewhere along the way you just have to learn to love yourself too. Good luck.

[stillafool]

You need to make an appointment with a therapist right a way. I know you say you are weak but you need to have "no contact" with this guy. It is the only way you will be able to pull yourself out of this depression. Talking, seeing and having sex with him will just keep you hung up in a hopeless situation. He isn't going to leave his wife. That's the reality. Think about how proud he was showing you around his house. He isn't going to give that up nor his life he has built with his wife. So now you have to stop thinking about him and tell yourself "this isn't going to happen". Stop telling yourself you are weak but that you are strong and you will get through this and will give your love to someone who deserves it. Hopefully, his wife will discover the same.

[whichwayisup]

Ladyjane

Thank you for helping. It really hits close to home whe you say these things. I want to be strong. To leave. To stop emailing him. To stop answering his. To stop living every minute of my life waiting for him to come back. I feel so much like breaking down and crying but I am at work and Ive had enough crying.How do you make the heart stop hurting.I feel so awful for going to his house like I did. I just hoped it would make him take me back. To give myself false hope. He even says he loves me still and I continually buy it. I was rading LilaBlues posts earlier (scary) I just feel like I am losing my mind . Like Im obsessed, Why is that??

 

If you want this to stop, those obsessed like feelings, the pain and confusion in your life, please go to counselling.

 

You're letting your obsession, those intense feelings take over and it isn't healthy...It's scary, you're out of control...

 

Please go talk to a professional to help you get control again, to get YOU back so you can BE the woman you're meant to be.

[Ladyjane14]

Like Im obsessed, Why is that??

 

I'm not a professional, but just in observation.. people-watching you could call it... I notice that people, who are presented with a vague and/or seemingly insurmountable problem within themselves, tend to avoid the conflict of that problem by fixating upon something more concrete and substantial.

 

Sometimes, we have so much trouble identifying what's really going on internally that we MAKE a whole new problem to fret over. It doesn't make much sense, but I think we all do it to some degree. It's kind of like dreaming really, where the subconscious mind takes over. In cases like this though, the "dream" creeps into our real life and takes over our reality.

 

You see it alot in young men who are just starting their families and subconsciously worried that they won't cut the mustard in providing for their wife and kids. Next thing you know, he's focused on an attractive co-worker. You see it alot in married women who are confronted with a stubborn husband who's unresponsive to repairing the problematic relationship dynamics. Pretty soon, she's emailing an old boyfriend. Those are just two examples.

 

I think everybody does it to some degree, and it can manifest itself in all sorts of ways. Anxiety on the job might lead a person to obsessive birdhouse building.. because s/he is anxious that on-the-job failure cause the family to lose their income.

 

If you can get back in touch with YOU, and focus this excess energy on identifying what you need from yourself... I think you'll beat this thing.

[Ladyjane14]

Don't forget that the Infatuation response is both emotional *AND* physiological. Your body is getting a chemical payoff through the release of dopamine and other agents when you interact with the object of your affection. Even negative interactions and drama will release adrenaline.

 

Part of beating this thing is beating the addiction. You may have had underlying reasons that maybe you weren't consciously aware of for getting initially involved, but now that you're in... you'll have to fight it on both fronts.

 

The good news is... once you've engaged in this tough fight and won your way out... you've proven to yourself that you're anything BUT "weak".

[bish]

People with morals will not support sin, but they will provide help on how to get out of the situation... if the person doesn't realize their mistake it makes it more difficult b/c they need help in seeing what they did or are doing is wrong.

 

Don't expect people to candy-coat everything and tell you what you want to hear... that's not real help.

 

You sound very judgemental... you just "stoned" everyone that told her the truth just b/c you don't happen to agree... not our fault.

 

this is what i've been saying all along. There is a difference between someone looking for advice on how to perpetuate what is wrong, and someone looking to get out of a situation that they know is wrong.

 

Nobody with morals will tell someone what they want to hear if said advice is perpetuating something that they shouldn't be doing.

[TexasSadGirl]

JNRR I was hoping you could read my latest situation and give me your advice

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Ladyjane

Thank you for helping. It really hits close to home whe you say these things. I want to be strong. To leave. To stop emailing him. To stop answering his. To stop living every minute of my life waiting for him to come back. I feel so much like breaking down and crying but I am at work and Ive had enough crying.How do you make the heart stop hurting.I feel so awful for going to his house like I did. I just hoped it would make him take me back. To give myself false hope. He even says he loves me still and I continually buy it. I was rading LilaBlues posts earlier (scary) I just feel like I am losing my mind . Like Im obsessed, Why is that??

 

Hi Texas,

 

I read your latest situation. Honestly? I think you need to leave MM to get on with working on his marriage. It is what he requested. If his marriage doesn't work, then you maybe have a shot at a relationship with him.

 

Think about this: Say MM left today and moved in with you, you know he has unresolved feelings for his Wife and his Marriage. Is it not better to let him work those unresolved feelings out now than pursuing the pain of the relationship you're in with him at the moment? The fact that you are unwilling to allow your R to end with him (even temporarily) shows that you are worried that he will just return to the marriage fold and forget about your relationship - and that doesn't give much hope as to how much you trust his dedication to your relationship.

 

Every situation is different Texas, and I know its hard, but maybe going to his house reinforced his life he has at home. Having the pain of seeing that may have reinforced that you cant continue with this pain. And the way to end the pain is to end the relationship - he requested it Texas and you need to respect that - even if he isn't respecting you and your pain.