Man goes back to wife

[child_of_isis]

Or he could be just keeping you strung along so you won't bust him out to his W. Fear has replaced fantasy.

 

I think the only reason he continues contact is because he knows I want him to. He even commented once he wanted me to stay in his life and wait for him. But worded it in such a way ithate "He cant expect me to do such a think as wait as he doesnt want to ruin my happiness but if I care to wait for him to make up his mind". That could take years.. I cant do that..Its bad now.. imagine then..

[OpenBook]

He has shown me a side of a man that i never knew existed. He was a combination of a dad,lover and a boyfriend rolled all into one.I know it sounds strange and it would take to long to explain but i feel so bad after this ended. Im not sure if its true love or the pain of just losing somebody but it hurts so much..Its just so disgusting I get dropped after tons of promises and he forgets everything he ever said to me and wants to fix things with her..I just sit and question my worth and attarctiveness and specialness now.

 

Oh God do those words resonate with me!! Been there, done that girlfriend! First of all, his poor treatment of you has NOTHING to do with your specialness or attractiveness. NOTHING. Do you hear me???? You simply got caught up in a bad situation. You made some errors in judgment. You loved someone who proved to be unworthy of your love.

 

It hurts, it aches, it stings. During times like these, you are not thinking straight. Don't try to make any major decisions right now. You need to work through this first. And I'm afraid I have not found a better way than to just put one foot in front of of the other. Just get through the day. And know that you're not going to be in this kind of pain forever. This is a VERY temporary state of being. It will pass. Little by little, you will return to your old self. And he will become a distant memory.

[BurriedAlive]

I am REALLY sick of these bitter BSs coming to our forum, hijacking our threads and trying to make us feel like we are the scum of the earth. I think we should just IGNORE them. Obviously us getting into these battles and trying to justify our existence as humans is not doing any freakin' good. So, if everyone is with me, why don't we just IGNORE them? Of course the BS's that actually offer respectful advice to us are welcome here.

 

Anyway, back to the issue at hand! Texas, I am really feeling your pain. The feelings of betrayal, hurt & anger that you must have probably feel like they are going to take your breath away? I really don't think that spending time analysing why MM has done what he has done will yield any answer different than he is down right selfish!!! I agree with what JNRR has said.

 

The only advice I can offer you is that you have to cut this man out. It will be like taking off a band aid - it will hurt very badly at first but in the long run, the overall pain will be less. By staying in contact with this man, you are slowly pulling the band aid off.

 

Once you say your goodbye's to him, you must tell your friends and or your family. You will need support and love around you to survive this. I also recommend that you see a therapist. They will give you tools that you can use to help you cope.

 

The fact of the matter is, no matter what, you cannot trust this man. If he chooses tomorrow to leave his wife again and comes back you, everyday after that you will wonder if this will be the day he leaves again. It is insane for a person to live that way. He has issues and needs help. Everyone is right here, it will be no cakewalk for him trying to fix a marriage after sending his wife an email saying that its over....

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Texas, have you tried having absolutely no contact with him at all? It may be easier to heal without the continued pain of hearing from him - you may feel like this contact is helping you, but in actuality, these are mere crumbs of pain being fed to you. Also, you're helping him have the added ego-boost and the added safety-net of thinking he is so special to you that he does not even have to promise a future to get what he wants from you.

 

But where is your ego boost? Where is your safety net?

 

I feel for you, Texas

[TexasSadGirl]

Thank you for your advice and kindness. I will take things day by day. Its so hard though. I could sit and defend him for hours saying hes not like that normally and this and that and maybe hes confused and stand up for him and think maybe karma will work its magic.Maybe he will miss me and come back. Maybe someday...My mind keeps rehashing and analyzing why this and that and I just dont understand.I sit there everyday at work staring at the computer all day waiting for his emails to pop up.My work and life are affected. I know its pathetic but I figure little contact is better than not at all. I keep hoping and praying that in the future we will be together when or if he divorces. I know this may never happen.Ive tried letters convincing and telling him my feelings.Ive read the books of what to do and not do.Im not vindictive and really dont want to cause him problems.What do I do to mend my heart other than time. I think besides time he would be the only one to take away my hurt as sad as that sounds.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I am REALLY sick of these bitter BSs coming to our forum, hijacking our threads and trying to make us feel like we are the scum of the earth. I think we should just IGNORE them. Obviously us getting into these battles and trying to justify our existence as humans is not doing any freakin' good. So, if everyone is with me, why don't we just IGNORE them? Of course the BS's that actually offer respectful advice to us are welcome here....

 

I'm weary of it too, BA. The complete disregard for human pain astounds me sometimes.

 

But I refuse to ignore it. New posters looking for support have their threads highjacked far too often in this forum. These are new people, dont recognise the politics, and probably feel crucified when they are feeling at their very lowest. I refuse to allow them to be bullied by sanctimony.They're in pain, confused, and are looking for support, guidance. Constructive criticism an perspectives are offered by some posters who have come from the other side of the fence and I fully support that. However, I'm going to continue addressing these posts because a) At least the original poster recognise someone in their corner and, b) I dont believe in bullying.

[BestAdvisor1]

I'm weary of it too, BA. The complete disregard for human pain astounds me sometimes.

 

But I refuse to ignore it. New posters looking for support have their threads highjacked far too often in this forum. These are new people, dont recognise the politics, and probably feel crucified when they are feeling at their very lowest. I refuse to allow them to be bullied by sanctimony.They're in pain, confused, and are looking for support, guidance. Constructive criticism an perspectives are offered by some posters who have come from the other side of the fence and I fully support that. However, I'm going to continue addressing these posts because a) At least the original poster recognise someone in their corner and, b) I dont believe in bullying.

 

Je Ne Regrette Rien, you never responded to my last post.

 

To everyone else, you're wrong if you assume that I'm a BS. It really does not take a BS to figure out how immoral a OW/OM is. It's just common sence and common decentcy and if you can't see that by assuming things, it says alot about you.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

At 5am I get a text message from him saying he cant go on hurting his family anymore and went back home.

Come on Texas. You watched the guy treat his wife of 23 YEARS like a stray dog in the street, by telling her was leaving via EMAIL. What kind of total crud does that? Bad enough he's a cheater and liar, but to tell his wife he's leaving via EMAIL? It gets no lower than that.

 

You watched him do it via email to his own WIFE. Why are you surprised that you got a text message? Did you honestly EXPECT anything more out of this parasite?

 

Please make me understand how someone can just turn their love on and off and forget all his promises.

Again, Texas. You saw how rotten he treated his wife of 23 years - cheating, lying, sneaking, deceiving, dumping her by email. You were given a full view of his total lack of character and integrity. WHY would you expect any more out of him? He screwed you over after 8 months - he screwed his wife over after 23 years. He's a loser who can't do right by ANYONE. I'd never give the time of day to some crud who'd dump his wife of 23 years by email.

 

I know Im being selfish and i feel bad for the wife

I honestly don't believe you feel bad for his wife or you would have NEVER allowed him into your life after you saw how shabbily he treated her after giving him 23 years of her LIFE. Were you feeling 'bad' for her when you claim your 8 months with him were deliriously happy? I'm thinking not.

 

I am NOT a betrayed wife but as a HUMAN BEING with compassion for other people, I find what he did to his wife deplorable. Absolutely the lowest of the low.

 

We still email each other but its me emailing him and then he responds.

I ask with all seriousness - does this puke know any OTHER method of communication besides email? Does he? What a loser.

 

He claims he left his wife in a bad way and needs to fix things first and if they decide things are not fixable they will walk away like adults.

He has YET to act like an adult. He's acted like a hormonal 17 year old boy who thinks with his d*ck. And the loser's STILL reverting to his disgusting behavior - cheating on and lying to his wife, after crawling back asking to 'fix' things. What's the point? Someone should tell that poor woman what a puke she really married.

 

He is going to church now every day as the post we work on has mass and I know he is doingit too make the wife happy.

Ahh, one of those hypocritcal "cafeteria Catholics," is he? You know the type - they pick and choose which part of the religion they want to actually FOLLOW and which parts they DON'T. Obviously lying and adultery are two he left on the cafeteria warming table. Big surprise.

 

Ive never gotten a decent apology for breaking my heart and I cant let go.

Again, Texas. You knew he was a snake when you picked him up. Did you HONESTLY expect him to do right by you? Honestly? I wouldn't trust this guy to shine my shoes.

 

The only time he has for me is emails during the workweek....

There we go with the email again. What is this guy, emotionally stunted or something?

 

This man is 54

So this is a LIFETIME of disgusting behavior then. Good luck with that.

 

I tell him over and over I love him and picture out our future together.

Why would you even speak to this piece of garbage after he dumped you via TEXT MESSAGE? Do you have NO PRIDE whatsoever?

 

Any advice???

Yes, TONS of therapy, the sooner the better.

[BestAdvisor1]

ICallEmAsISeesEm, I agree with everything you said. I think you and I share the same view, just giving good advice and call them as we see them. Yet, I get the same problem as you do, being constantly accused of being a Betrayed Spouse, which I am not. I guess these OW/OM are so low that they believe that only a betrayed sposue will be able to identify their lack of morals, but, it's certainly not true. It only takes a human to see how low they are.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Je Ne Regrette Rien, you never responded to my last post.

 

To everyone else, you're wrong if you assume that I'm a BS. It really does not take a BS to figure out how immoral a OW/OM is. It's just common sence and common decentcy and if you can't see that by assuming things, it says alot about you.

 

I had already apologised to the OP for the threadjack - so I'll apologise again to answer your question, Bestadvisor. I dont think another posters thread is a place to "debate" your issue.

 

I have no idea what your issues are as I have checked your history and you have yet to post a thread. Thats your call. However, as you mostly respond to issues of infidelity I assume you have been affected by infidelity in someway, and will continue to make that assumption based on the fact you have not shared your story.

 

If you have not been affected by infidelity in some way, I fail to see exactly why you are so interested in these threads. If it is to take the moral highground, what possible benefit is that to posters?

 

I will Yes I am an Other Woman. Yes, I have morals. And your view is singleminded if you fail to see how understanding perspectives, even if we disagree with them, can help us grow as people.

 

Ive said my piece, bestadvisor and I am not going to hash out this argument in another posters thread, its disrespectful to the issues the poster is going through.

[TexasSadGirl]

Thank you for sticking up for me. These people do not know me or of me other than I made bad choices and fell in love. I feel heartbroken and sad as it is without having to feel worse from ones who dont know the situation. All OW are not the same...

[BestAdvisor1]

 

I will Yes I am an Other Woman. Yes, I have morals.

 

That's bull shxx and deep down, you know it. I just read some of your posts. So, you're this OW who got pregnant, huh? How low is that? You didn't even care to use protection? I feel sorry for your kid, but not for you. Yet, you still claim that you have "morals." I guess you and the rest of the world have a different definition of the word "morals." Are your parents proud of what you did? Would you be proud if your kid become you?

 

How would you feel if your future husband (assuming you will have one, but probably not since you're a single mom who was impregnated by a mm) did the samething to you your mm did to his wife after years of marriage?

[BestAdvisor1]

All OW are not the same...

 

That's what a typical OW tell herself so she can sleep at night or feel better about herself.

[whichwayisup]

Please make me undersatnd how someone can just turn their love on and off and forget all his promises. I know Im being selfish and i feel bad for the wife too but my heart is still broken after a month.

 

Sorry, but an 8 month or so affair does not compare to a 23 year marriage. It just doesn't. Even if he cares for you, loves you - HE has built a LIFE with his wife, had children, they have friends, family together...They have a history.

 

Either way, he changed his mind and decided what he has isn't worth giving up for you. Sorry, don't mean to hurt your feelings...

 

As much as it's killing you, you knew going in he was married and took a chance. Unfortunately you got burned. I hope you heal well, and move on, don't look back.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your advice and kindness. I will take things day by day. Its so hard though. I could sit and defend him for hours saying hes not like that normally and this and that and maybe hes confused and stand up for him and think maybe karma will work its magic.Maybe he will miss me and come back. Maybe someday...My mind keeps rehashing and analyzing why this and that and I just dont understand.I sit there everyday at work staring at the computer all day waiting for his emails to pop up.My work and life are affected. I know its pathetic but I figure little contact is better than not at all. I keep hoping and praying that in the future we will be together when or if he divorces. I know this may never happen.Ive tried letters convincing and telling him my feelings.Ive read the books of what to do and not do.Im not vindictive and really dont want to cause him problems.What do I do to mend my heart other than time. I think besides time he would be the only one to take away my hurt as sad as that sounds.

 

Take a break. Go somewhere with your girlfriends. Have fun and forget things for a while.

 

Sending him letters right now is pointless. He knows how you feel and still isn't leaving, yes? So, continue to write those letters, (for you and for theraputic reasons) but do not send them. Make your own closure, do your best to keep busy, distracted and if you are having trouble with the pain, moving past this stuff, seek some counselling to help you cope.

[TexasSadGirl]

Yet again Im not pregnant nor have I had a child

[noforgiveness]

I'm weary of it too, BA. The complete disregard for human pain astounds me sometimes.

 

 

This is where you are missing the point. The complete disregard for human pain is what the ow does. They get involved with a man who they know is married and has another life. They ignore it and disregard the wife and her future pain for their little short lasting happiness.

 

At the end everyone is in pain. The man, the wife, the ow and all the children involved. Tremendous pain all around. An affair can not occur without someone having pain. The ow chooses to ignore the pain she will eventually be partially responsible for.

 

She would not have pain if she chose to do what she knew was right. Not to get involved with a married man.

 

Tsg the only way to end the pain is to totally disattach. Block his calls and his emails. Talking to him will only bring hurt.

[annabelle75]

 

That's bull shxx and deep down, you know it. I just read some of your posts. So, you're this OW who got pregnant, huh? How low is that? You didn't even care to use protection? I feel sorry for your kid, but not for you. Yet, you still claim that you have "morals." I guess you and the rest of the world have a different definition of the word "morals." Are your parents proud of what you did? Would you be proud if your kid become you?

 

How would you feel if your future husband (assuming you will have one, but probably not since you're a single mom who was impregnated by a mm) did the samething to you your mm did to his wife after years of marriage?

 

Ummm ......... no. Learn to read.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

 

That's bull shxx and deep down, you know it. I just read some of your posts. So, you're this OW who got pregnant, huh? How low is that? You didn't even care to use protection? I feel sorry for your kid, but not for you. Yet, you still claim that you have "morals." I guess you and the rest of the world have a different definition of the word "morals." Are your parents proud of what you did? Would you be proud if your kid become you?

 

How would you feel if your future husband (assuming you will have one, but probably not since you're a single mom who was impregnated by a mm) did the samething to you your mm did to his wife after years of marriage?

 

Ah, I see, so its too terrifying for you to post a thread on exactly what your issues are that you need to attack others? Must be painful...

 

Just so you can get your facts straight, I am the OW who did get pregnant and aborted the pregnancy.

 

My parents? Yep, I think they were absolutely over the moon. Well, my dad was...right up until his dying day when I cared for 24-7 through a horrifying terminal illness for a good few years. My mum? She's proud. I cant tell, because she has some prolific mental health issues.

 

But most importantly...am I proud of myself. I deal with what life throws me as well as I can and I do a pretty fantastic job. But you know what I'm most proud of? That the pain I have endured, in some pretty thankless tasks have never made me bitter - instead they help me understand pain and from this grows compassion.

 

Compassion. Look it up in the dictionary.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

This is where you are missing the point. The complete disregard for human pain is what the ow does. They get involved with a man who they know is married and has another life. They ignore it and disregard the wife and her future pain for their little short lasting happiness.

 

At the end everyone is in pain. The man, the wife, the ow and all the children involved. Tremendous pain all around. An affair can not occur without someone having pain. The ow chooses to ignore the pain she will eventually be partially responsible for.

 

She would not have pain if she chose to do what she knew was right. Not to get involved with a married man.

 

Tsg the only way to end the pain is to totally disattach. Block his calls and his emails. Talking to him will only bring hurt.

 

No, you're missing my point...

 

WWIU does not pander to OW/OM...however...

 

 

 

Sending him letters right now is pointless. He knows how you feel and still isn't leaving, yes? So, continue to write those letters, (for you and for theraputic reasons) but do not send them. Make your own closure, do your best to keep busy, distracted and if you are having trouble with the pain, moving past this stuff, seek some counselling to help you cope.

 

...is constructive.

 

In comparison...

 

That's what a typical OW tell herself so she can sleep at night or feel better about herself.

 

...is not.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Yet again Im not pregnant nor have I had a child

 

I'm sorry Texas, often these threads become opportunities to hash out issues and you've become caught up in it. You're not here to justify your relationship but some posters cannot realise that.

 

Back to thread, I know Low Contact may feel better than nothing, but you need to think about what pain this is causing you. Is there anyway you could maybe try a certain time limit of no contact? Say, a month? And then compare it to how you are feeling with low contact? Sometimes, its what we fear the most that makes us stronger, and maybe having no contact will be a good first step to healing for you.

[Tomcat33]

Texasgirl I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds almost exactly like mine was when I came here. Word for word it could have been me, why? how is it possible that...? the answer is yes it is all possible. this man is like a lot of men in those shoes are: selfsh cowards. They only think of themselves, and though they do love you and feel all the things they said they feel and have put in so many love letters, when they made love to us or bought us beautiful meaningful gifts or took us away on romatic vacations to show their love for us, one day when it all sinks in the guilt suddenly seems to outweigh their own needs. It's a cowardly wishy washy way to live. Not only did they mislead us and make us think something that was not, with all the empty promises, they don't have an iota or empathy for any women in their lives. Why? Because it always was and will be about them no one else. It is unfortunate we had to fall prey to thir crap.

 

I don't think there is much you can do at this point other than try to heal yourself from this whirlwind of an experience, you will find a lot of comfort in sharing your thoughts here with us, but be careful not to get caught up in all the foolish nasty bable of posts of those who have nothing better than to prey on the misery of others. I urge you just ignore them, they have problems FAR bigger than you or I or any of us who were in our shoes have or ever will have. Understand that their hostility is NOT about your they are so broken within that they need to bully others on here to make themselves feel better and the worst thing you can do is feed into their bullcrap comments, which are just that. Morality if for the individual, who is ANYONE to tell you how to live, certainly don't let a few jacka$$es here tell you otherwise who harp on the obvious like some bible thumping televagelists you cannot get rid of at your doorstep.

 

Stick around and you will see what is worth reading and what is most certainly not. You can find a lot of constructive support here in those times you feel you need your questions answered in getting closure.

 

Off topic: the best advice can't possibly come from someone who names themself that, how CHEESY can you get? No time for THAT! So that in itself should help people steer clear of what they shouldn't even bother reading let alone respond to.

[raslers]

Texasgirl I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds almost exactly like mine was when I came here. Word for word it could have been me, why? how is it possible that...? the answer is yes it is all possible. this man is like a lot of men in those shoes are: selfsh cowards. They only think of themselves, and though they do love you and feel all the things they said they feel and have put in so many love letters, when they made love to us or bought us beautiful meaningful gifts or took us away on romatic vacations to show their love for us, one day when it all sinks in the guilt suddenly seems to outweigh their own needs. It's a cowardly wishy washy way to live. Not only did they mislead us and make us think something that was not, with all the empty promises, they don't have an iota or empathy for any women in their lives. Why? Because it always was and will be about them no one else. It is unfortunate we had to fall prey to thir crap.

 

I don't think there is much you can do at this point other than try to heal yourself from this whirlwind of an experience, you will find a lot of comfort in sharing your thoughts here with us, but be careful not to get caught up in all the foolish nasty bable of posts of those who have nothing better than to prey on the misery of others. I urge you just ignore them, they have problems FAR bigger than you or I or any of us who were in our shoes have or ever will have. Understand that their hostility is NOT about your they are so broken within that they need to bully others on here to make themselves feel better and the worst thing you can do is feed into their bullcrap comments, which are just that. Morality if for the individual, who is ANYONE to tell you how to live, certainly don't let a few jacka$$es here tell you otherwise who harp on the obvious like some bible thumping televagelists you cannot get rid of at your doorstep.

 

Stick around and you will see what is worth reading and what is most certainly not. You can find a lot of constructive support here in those times you feel you need your questions answered in getting closure.

 

Off topic: the best advice can't possibly come from someone who names themself that, how CHEESY can you get? No time for THAT! So that in itself should help people steer clear of what they shouldn't even bother reading let alone respond to.

 

 

Texas Girl, one day at a time is the way I got through my situation. Everyday gets easier. I agree that trying NC is the way to go. You need to surround yourself with people that make you smile and offer you support. When you feel the need to contact him call a friend instead. I did that lots. I didn't have any friends that knew about my situation, so when I called it was to see how they were doing and not think about myself so much. Getting out of myself to think of someone else works for me. Maybe it will for you.

 

As for the harsh words that have been said to you I agree with Tomcat, ignore that sh&*. Most of us are here to offer each other support. I'm sorry you have to be treated badly by people who don't really know or want to understand you and how you are feeling. They just want to judge.

 

The definition of morals: principles or habits with respect to right or wrong behavior or conduct.

I believe that no one has the right to judge us on being the OW or accuse any of us of not having morals. Clearly they have no morals themselves or they would not behave in an accusatory manner toward those who's shoes they have not walked in (especially when they have never been OW). Judging others, insulting others, and trying to make others feel ashamed is not moral behavior either becauase it is WRONG. Please don't let those posts steer you away from reaching out for our support.

 

Big hugs to you.

[justfine]

TexasSadGirl...

 

 

Although you're feeling hurt right now, You'll be back to normal in a few weeks. You've only been dating this MM for eight months. It's just a relationship that didn't pan out, very common.

 

Hopefully, you have learned the error of your ways and will never involve yourself with a MM. I'm wondering if these women posting on this board habitually date MM. They seem to be a support group for women who date MM as a way of life and justify their unethical, immoral acts.

 

There is another woman on this forum who is currently six months pregnant by a MM who is now ignoring her. Her problems are huge compared to yours. Just be happy you only spent eight months in an affair that was likely to end badly; could have been much worse.

[raslers]

TexasSadGirl...

 

I'm wondering if these women posting on this board habitually date MM. They seem to be a support group for women who date MM as a way of life and justify their unethical, immoral acts.

 

I do not date MM as a way of life and I don't come here to justify my "unethical or immoral acts". The MM I was seeing was the only MM I have and ever will be with. I'm sure there are many like me. I came here for support of others who have felt the hurt I felt. I needed to stand firm in my decision to get out of a relationship that was killing my heart. I found support here. I think many other women (maybe men too) come here looking for the same support. I try to give the same support to others without being judgemental of them. We have all made mistakes in our lives whether it be an affair or something else. It does not make us all bad people. I have learned from my experience and want to help others who are hurting as I have and still do.