TexasSadGirl Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Hello: I was in a relationship with a mm man for 8 months.I started emailing him as a friendly hello one day and never expected i would turn into a realtionship.In fact I told him to not leave his wife at first.He gave me the usual speeches I guess about he has been in a blah marriage for the last 7 years of a 23 year marriage and contemplated doing somehting like this before. It turned into a whirlwing unbelieveable realtionship where we talked every day,texted ,emailed and he eventually left his wife or moved out to be with me and was in the process of filing for a divorce and told me all that was going on every step of the way.He was so special and unlike any other,and treated me like a queen.He invested so much money,emotion,time,feelings and effort on us.He said the most beautiful things a man could ever say to a woman.I have shown friends these emails and they cant believe some of the things he said. He spent an unbelieveable amount of money showering me with gifts and treating me very well. He said he loved me and made promises for our future and said he could not wait to start our new lives together.All this attention and persuing lasted 8 months. He hurt his knee one weekend and after taking him to the doctor he was told to stay home the whole week and get rest.Well the whole week he contemplated the way he left his wife of 23 years (which was messed up I do admit.He dumped her in an email at work stating Ive left,dont come looking for me,dont call my phone,etc..). Well I thought things were perfect with us in fact we were supposed to spend friday together this would have been end of Aug and I chose not to come over becausre I did not feel well.At 5am I get a text message from him saying he cant go on hurting his family anymore and went back home. Please make me undersatnd how someone can just turn their love on and off and forget all his promises. I know Im being selfish and i feel bad for the wife too but my heart is still broken after a month. We still email each other but its me emailing him and then he responds.He emails first sometimes and I have to beg him to call me to hear my voice. We have gotten together 2 times since then and Ive cried and weve talked a little and weve had sex once. He claims he left his wife in a bad way and needs to fix things first and if they decide things are not fixable they will walk away like adults.He is going to church now every day as the post we work on has mass and I know he is doingit too make the wife happy.He seeing a therapist weekly as well.Hes painting the house and doing all these things now. Ive never gotten a decent apology for breaking my heart and I cant let go.He said he still has love for me and thinks about me everywhere he goes.The only time he has for me is emails during the workweek and even then somedays he is up and some he is down with his attitude.And maybe we meet for an hour once a week or every other week.This is killing me.He says he needs to do this first and maybe we can have a chance one day but hes not promising. Hes going to mass and therapy and still can sleep with me.This man is 54 and not a typical 20,30ish man.I thought older men were different.He was ready to divorce.I feel useless and worthless now.Ive sent a million letters and emails apologizing for what I might have done wrong and saying Ill fix things next time.I tell him over and over I love him and picture out our future together.How could he just forget it all like that?? Any advice???
StillConfused Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I guess his wife was thinking the same: how he could do this to her after so many years of marriage. Leaving your wife of 23 years with a message is really not a nice thing. He's doing to you the same thing he did to his wife. And if you let him into your life again, he'll redo the same thing. Say goodbye (maybe this time forever) via a brief text message. 1
Author TexasSadGirl Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Thank you for the advice.Im am just not strong enough to braek away I guess and I keep hoping he will realize what he is missing out on with me I guess .I am being selfish I know but it hurts so much.Its not right that I end up by myself with a broken heart. I realize it was not fair to her either as i am not heartless nor a bad person.I happened to fall in love.Its not fair that he can go back home to have his wife accept him back and get his perfect life back and decide to placate me and keep me in his life on the side because hes used to me,or misses me ,or is afraid I will do someting.I guess this pain is my karma but where is his??
StillConfused Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 he'll pay his own price. You'll see. You don't seem to have kids yet. So you are young and can meet someone who'll treat you better. He's got a wife and kids. Just imagine that his wife was in much worse situation than you because she does not have all those possibilities you've got in life. Plus she's got kids to take care of. He will pay a price for his selfishness: both for you and his wife. I think his imminent punishment would be his children. Because they will never be able to fully forgive them for what he's done to their mom. When I think of love, I think of growing old with a person that you can trust. I doubt that his wife is still thinking of growing old with him. I am sorry this has happened to you. It has to most of us. But see this as an opportunity. Often unfortunate events turn into fortunate ones.
Author TexasSadGirl Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 He is older and his kids are grown.They have 4 children.2 from his first wife whp dies from cancer.And 2 from her first marriage.Her first husband cheated on her and left her.But their kids are in their 30s and grown with kids of their own.
Author TexasSadGirl Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 I know it is. I realize this. i just cant let go.I know Im being used. I just cant let go of the love I have for him and accept that now hes done a complete 180 and went back to her. But he still sees me.I know I have the control and Im in charge of my own life and Ive been reading all the books.But it is so hard when you have an attachment to someone to let go.
Author TexasSadGirl Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 It did not start out that way.We used to email each other about work stuff.I expressed clearly in the beginning when he hinted about leaving his wife thatit was not right and I wanted no part of it.But after time I developed feelings. Im not making excuses Im just telling you what happened.He tells me all these months later that the first night he met me out that he had walked out on their anniversary that evening. I was appalled when I heard that. But what do you do when you are in love..How do you turn it off..I have no hate for his W in fact i feel bad for what he did,but Im mad at him breaking my heart. I would never tell his W about his continuing contact even though she found my cell number from awhile ago and called and left me a message that he was back home with her.Its not fair taht he can do this..And he asks me of late for some dirty pics of me so he has something to look at..Can you imagine??
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 But what do you do when you are in love..How do you turn it off.. You start with telling yourself it is over, telling MM it is over, and asking for and establishing 'no contact'.
StillConfused Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 BestAdvisor1, I think sometimes you are being too harsh. Most of the times the affairs are born because it's the MM / MW who manipulates or lies. I've been the other woman. He was not married. He turned out to have a girlfriend but when I started seeing him and fell in love with him he told me that he and his girlfriend had broken up and she just had to move her stuff out of his house. TSG, I am sorry for what I am hearing. You're torn apart for the love you feel and he's asking you for sexy pics of yours when he's trying to make things work with his wife? Dump this bastard before it's too late. Get your integrity together. You're lucky cause he's showing you clearly with his gestures that he does NOT deserve any of your love.
StillConfused Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Pardon, let me ask you a question. Are you ready to get dumped by him 20 years from now when you have his kids to grow? Run while you can!!!
annabelle75 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 He is treating you the same as he has treated his wife. That should tell you alot about him. He has no idea what it means to respect a woman or be in a committed relationship. I know it will be hard, but you need to let him go. Accept that he has chosen not to be with you. You will survive without him. I promise you, you're life isn't over.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Texas, I'm sorry for your situation. Your MM has tasted a sweet part of life, has been infatuated with your R and then suddenly it looks as though the pain he has caused to his family has crept up on him and he knee-jerked back into the family fold. It happens. However, he is not recognising your pain at all which is probably where your anger stems from. He has hurt you. You're right - he did a despicable thing telling his W of so long that their M was over. And yes, as a poster said above, he has done the same to you, which again is not surprising. Some MM's know all of the right buttons to press, the right things to say and maybe he DID feel these things. But those feelings now seems as though they have been replaced in some shape or form and he is now disrespecting any nice memory you may have taken from your R with him by emailing, asking for sexy pictures and continuing to have sex. He shouldnt be doing this. If I was you, I would look at this PREVIEW he's giving you to YOUR FUTURE if you were with him. A man who can discard a relationship at the drop of a hat and disrespect your feelings now -thats not going to improve in the future. I say, leave him to get on with whatever mess he has created. Take time to heal your heart, its only been a month, time does heal as they say. As for consequences? Trying to rebuild a marriage with a W you dropped by email will be the hardest job he's ever had and its not going to be pretty. You just take care of YOU Hugs (())
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Its not fair taht he can do this..And he asks me of late for some dirty pics of me so he has something to look at..Can you imagine?? One of the best ways to end an affair is to expose it. Maybe you should consider calling his wife to inform her that her husband has been sleeping with you recently and that he continues to ask for pictures of you. That way, for the first time in this affair, you will be doing something (one thing) right by informing the wife. If you do that, when you walk away from this affair, at least you know that all through this affair, you have been doing something wrong, but at the end, you did the right thing to inform the W and to take the necessary step to end the affair for good.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Why did you allow yourself to get close to him or to get attached to him when you knew he was married? Why do you bring yourself to such low level as the other woman? Best advisor, again, I will remind you that this is a forum for OW, and the problems, the issues, the pain they face/have faced. You're closing the barn door after the horse has bolted because if you're trying to "reform" OW's and questioning how they could become a OW, the act has already taken place. Why not try something more constructive?
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Best advisor, again, I will remind you that this is a forum for OW, and the problems, the issues, the pain they face/have faced. You're closing the barn door after the horse has bolted because if you're trying to "reform" OW's and questioning how they could become a OW, the act has already taken place. Why not try something more constructive? If you read my last post, you will see that I did add something constructive. Some of these OW/OM don't have or don't realize what morals are and they have the tendency to cross that line again and again. This OP might be an exception, because whether or not she learn her lesson or not, she is paying for her mistake regardless as a single parent with the additional label of having a child by a married man. Unfortunately, many OW/OM will not be paying/suffering as much as the OP does and they will cross that line again and again when the opportunity presents itself.
bonehead Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 JNRR I fully agree with what you said to Best. I have never understood how telling someone how bad they are for their actions, and continueing to bash them for it is going to get them to change. when people come on here and put the OW down they actually are playing into part of what keeps alot of OW as OW. Low self esteem. TSG, he made his choice. Now you need to break all contact and mourn the passing of the relationship.
Author TexasSadGirl Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Thank you so much. I appreciate the kind words. Most people would look upon me as the bad one.I am suffering alone. I know you are right. Its just hard making a break.Its not as if I cant find anybody Im relatively young,blonde,intelligent,great job.I guess Im insecure and low self esteem issues. He has shown me a side of a man that i never knew existed. He was a combination of a dad,lover and a boyfriend rolled all into one.I know it sounds strange and it would take to long to explain but i feel so bad after this ended. Im not sure if its true love or the pain of just losing somebody but it hurts so much..Its just so disgusting I get dropped after tons of promises and he forgets everything he ever said to me and wants to fix things with her..I just sit and question my worth and attarctiveness and specialness now. I think the only reason he continues contact is because he knows I want him to. He even commented once he wanted me to stay in his life and wait for him. But worded it in such a way ithate "He cant expect me to do such a think as wait as he doesnt want to ruin my happiness but if I care to wait for him to make up his mind". That could take years.. I cant do that..Its bad now.. imagine then..
Author TexasSadGirl Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Best Advisor I dont have any children by this man. They ,he and his wife,have grown children out of the house.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 If you read my last post, you will see that I did add something constructive. Some of these OW/OM don't have or don't realize what morals are and they have the tendency to cross that line again and again. This OP might be an exception, because whether or not she learn her lesson or not, she is paying for her mistake regardless as a single parent with the additional label of having a child by a married man. Unfortunately, many OW/OM will not be paying/suffering as much as the OP does and they will cross that line again and again when the opportunity presents itself. Bestadvisor, I think you may be talking about another post on the forum as this OP does not have a child by a MM. I think it is shortsighted of you to focus on what morals OW/OM have. I have morals. I am an OW. I feel plenty of guilt. However, my existence is not defined by being an OW. Perhaps it would be best just to post a thread stating your morals and how you think those involved in A's are wrong instead of individually criticising each poster in the OW/OM forum. The OW/OM can all read them if they wish and you will have done your job in reminding everyone that in your opinion, affairs are morally wrong. Sprry for the T/J OP, I just wanted to address bestadvisors post alongside offering you my perspective
annabelle75 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 If you read my last post, you will see that I did add something constructive. Some of these OW/OM don't have or don't realize what morals are and they have the tendency to cross that line again and again. This OP might be an exception, because whether or not she learn her lesson or not, she is paying for her mistake regardless as a single parent with the additional label of having a child by a married man. Unfortunately, many OW/OM will not be paying/suffering as much as the OP does and they will cross that line again and again when the opportunity presents itself. You're just mean. It does no one any good to read what you post. You're just a mean person that enjoys bashing people over the head with your morality.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Thank you so much. I appreciate the kind words. Most people would look upon me as the bad one.I am suffering alone. I know you are right. Its just hard making a break.Its not as if I cant find anybody Im relatively young,blonde,intelligent,great job.I guess Im insecure and low self esteem issues. He has shown me a side of a man that i never knew existed. He was a combination of a dad,lover and a boyfriend rolled all into one.I know it sounds strange and it would take to long to explain but i feel so bad after this ended. Im not sure if its true love or the pain of just losing somebody but it hurts so much..Its just so disgusting I get dropped after tons of promises and he forgets everything he ever said to me and wants to fix things with her..I just sit and question my worth and attarctiveness and specialness now. I think the only reason he continues contact is because he knows I want him to. He even commented once he wanted me to stay in his life and wait for him. But worded it in such a way ithate "He cant expect me to do such a think as wait as he doesnt want to ruin my happiness but if I care to wait for him to make up his mind". That could take years.. I cant do that..Its bad now.. imagine then.. He made you feel special, worth something, and in love. The he took it away. Now he expects you to "wait but dont expect anything to happen". Why does HE get to make the decision as to whether your special and attractive? YOU need to know that - dont let him be the one to define who you are. You sound angry, and with good reason. You're angry at believing him, your continued contact is in attempt to recapture the special and attractive feelings that he once made you feel. But ask yourself this. After causing you the pain he has caused, can he ever make you feel special and attractive again? Could you ever go back and recapture that feeling knowing how he has behaved? Its so hard Texas, and many of us have been through similar. And the only thing I can advise you is that you have got to start working on rating your self worth a lot higher than the treatment you are receiving at the moment.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I have morals. I am an OW. Those are two very contradicting statements. You obviously don't feel guilt if you call yourself a "moral other woman."
OpenBook Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 When I think of love, I think of growing old with a person that you can trust. I doubt that his wife is still thinking of growing old with him. I think this is EXACTLY what he's thinking -- and why he found it so easy to walk away from you. He's thinking, "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't." He's 54, he's only got another 20 years or so left. To start all over now, with someone he really doesn't know that well, and certainly doesn't have a long history with (like he does with his W), was probably overwhelming for him, and he decided it's just too much of a gamble -- it's safer to stay with his W. And I think his W is thinking along the same lines... "Who am I going to grow old with?" So she gave him the opportunity to come home again and make it work. The A was a wake-up call for both of them. I'm so sad for you, and for him, and for his W - the whole situation. There's so much pain for all parties, and it's going to take a lot of precious time to work through. Time that could have so easily been spent joyfully. If only this hadn't happened. I'm so sorry.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Those are two very contradicting statements. You obviously don't feel guilt if you call yourself a "moral other woman." Thanks for telling me what I feel bestadvisor. If only I had read your posts before I got involved with my dastardly MM. I wouldn't be off to burn in hell. Your posts make all of the difference to me. Now, all I need is a time machine... I doubt your posts have any affect apart from causing pain bestadvisor and I'm sorry that OW/OM come to this forum looking for support and are greeted by your sanctimonious rubbish. If your intentions are to "guide" those involved in relationships with married people, why not try to concentrate on offering constructive advice or guidance?
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Thanks for telling me what I feel bestadvisor. If only I had read your posts before I got involved with my dastardly MM. I wouldn't be off to burn in hell. Your posts make all of the difference to me. Now, all I need is a time machine... Let me get this straight, you were not only involved with a MM, but you are still involved with a MM? And if the answer is "yes," you still believe that you have morals? This is becoming absurd.
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