vivi Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Since I asked about marriage, my lover has been giving me the slow jilt. He acts like everything is fine, he calls me every day, but now he says he's really busy and can only see me once a week or so, and we used to see each other a few times a week. Now he is being vague about getting together....saying call me tomorrow about meeting, and then saying he can't make it. He's vague about his doings but wants to know what's going on in my life and he keeps asking about my availability but seeing me less and less. I'd like to get through this without feeling/seeming pathetic. Any ideas? I've been seeing him for more than a year. I am concerned about doing it in person. Also, I've been sending out mixed signals like crazy...I'm still very enmeshed with him but angry at times because he used to be so attentive and now he is withdrawing. He had mentioned doing an overnight with me earlier but he just called and said he will be really busy all week. Any thoughts from either sex would be welcome. I don't want to accept its over, but I have to and it hurts so goddamned much.
birdie Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 do the two of you talk at all? I mean properly, not just chit-chat
lindya Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Since I asked about marriage, my lover has been giving me the slow jilt. He acts like everything is fine, he calls me every day, but now he says he's really busy and can only see me once a week or so, and we used to see each other a few times a week. Now he is being vague about getting together....saying call me tomorrow about meeting, and then saying he can't make it. I think you're suspecting that raising the subject of marriage is what caused him to withdraw - and I'd see it that way too under those circumstances. When you're in a relationship with someone who plays hot and cold, you can keep/increase their interest by mimicking those actions. It works. The problem is that often all you're really going to achieve is to delay break-up day....and as long as you stay in a situation like that, you're reducing the chance of meeting someone who is whole-heartedly into you. You could raise the subject directly - eg "I think that since I mentioned marriage, you've withdrawn from me. I suspect you want out but just can't quite say it." From that point, I'd say as little as possible. Let him do the talking - if indeed he has anything to say. Break up discussions are horrible...and if you're on the weak end of the power balance (which you most certainly are if you want marriage and he doesn't) then it's best to focus on staying calm and giving away as little as possible in terms of what you're feeling and thinking. Screw all the theories about open and honest discussion. That's fine while a relationship is in progress....but when it's coming to an end, looking after your own interests has to take priority, and doing that includes reducing your vulnerability in that person's presence. So you can listen to him, but make sure you emotionally detach yourself from the discussion as much as possible. Imagine that rather than being you, you're your most sensible, closest friend listening in and getting ready to step in if the discussion takes a potentially damaging turn. So for instance if, in all the stress of it, he starts saying saying cruel or thoughtless things that are likely to bite away at you in the long term, you'll be in a better place to recognise the potential harm of those comments quickly and speedily end the conversation. It's tempting to want to say your piece and defend yourself/the relationship in the face of someone else expounding on why they think it wouldn't work out (as he's likely to do if you force discussion on this)....but if that's how they feel, nothing you say will change their mind or bring you a subsequent feeling of resolution. The quicker you get this knocked on the head, the better you'll be in the long run....but I know it's terribly painful.
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 While lindya makes sense, do what feels right for your personality type. Myself, I prefer the open, honest dialogue but then, I'm a direct person. If he continues to withdraw after an open discussion, withdraw permanently. Games only add to the confusion. Once you've withdrawn permanently, use all that personal energy to focus on healing yourself. Don't worry about him. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. If he isn't a big boy, why is he playing big boy games?
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