Quick Question

[ncpd25]

Hi All,

I had a quick question in hopes of getting some feedback. My g/f and I broke up 1 week ago. She poured her heart out to me for a period of time telling me she was in love with me, spoke of our future together, spoke of children etc. It turned out, she had been lying about breaking up with her boyfriend. She told me, she broke up with him several months ago, when, in fact, she broke up with him a week or two before we met. She ended up telling me she was sorry for hurting me but, it wasn't intentional. The way I see it, she intentionally lied to me for a while about her circumstances.

She ended up running back to her cheating boyfriend.

She has a few things of mine and I initially was going to let her keep and not even contact her at all. There are a couple of things I would really like to get back. I was thinking of sending a quick, to the point email asking her to mail me the stuff and tell her to keep the birthday presents I gave her the week before (I have no use for them).

Then, I thought, I'd send the above mentioned email and simply mention that I don't buy into her "it wasn't intentional comment".

I don't know if I sould let it go, send a two liner email or tell her she was a bold face liar and her actions were intentional. Seems like a no brainer but, I thought I'd ask for your opinions.

Thanks everybody!

[Curious139]

Sometimes it helps to get things off your chest. If saying what you need to say in a short non-emotional way gives you closure, then do so. Just don't expect a positive response.

 

Once you've sent your email you need to go no contact for your own sake. It allows you to heal. Hope this helps.

[Ocean-Blue]

Hi All,

I had a quick question in hopes of getting some feedback. My g/f and I broke up 1 week ago. She poured her heart out to me for a period of time telling me she was in love with me, spoke of our future together, spoke of children etc. It turned out, she had been lying about breaking up with her boyfriend. She told me, she broke up with him several months ago, when, in fact, she broke up with him a week or two before we met. She ended up telling me she was sorry for hurting me but, it wasn't intentional. The way I see it, she intentionally lied to me for a while about her circumstances.

She ended up running back to her cheating boyfriend.

She has a few things of mine and I initially was going to let her keep and not even contact her at all. There are a couple of things I would really like to get back. I was thinking of sending a quick, to the point email asking her to mail me the stuff and tell her to keep the birthday presents I gave her the week before (I have no use for them).

Then, I thought, I'd send the above mentioned email and simply mention that I don't buy into her "it wasn't intentional comment".

I don't know if I sould let it go, send a two liner email or tell her she was a bold face liar and her actions were intentional. Seems like a no brainer but, I thought I'd ask for your opinions.

Thanks everybody!

 

If you still have things to say to her, then say it to her. This is your best bet in terms of healing. But you should know that making such a comment may open the door for further communication (she may respond or want to talk to you about it, etc).

 

So if you're prepared for the possibility of further discussion, I say, tell her what's on your mind.

[AngelsFan09]

This is what I would do.

1. Write a nice/neutral e-mail requesting your stuff.

2. Once you have posession of all your belongings, then send the scathing e-mail or tell her how you feel when you pick up your stuff.

 

If she gets her feelings hurt with the e-mail, she may just say screw you and destroy your belongings.

[ncpd25]

I wanted to thank the three of you for responding to my post. It really helps to get opinions of others as I wouldn't want to make a wrong move or do something stupid . I'd rather hear from others and have the opportunity to have different views on my situation.

 

Curious- I really want to send a response to her saying her actions were not intentional. The more I thought about it, the more agitated I became. She has nerve saying she didn't hurt me intentionally. She agreed that she lied to me for months. Her lies were intentional but, she says hurting me wasn't. Then she chose to be condescending and had the audacity to say "I hope you meet the girl of your dreams" and "you deserve better". I sat back and thought maybe, in this case, silence is golden and I just shouldn't bother. I know it would eat away at me if I didn't say anthing. I'd have to be careful and read what I was sending. I know emotions would defintely come into play and I don't want to give her something to use against me. I'll have to word it in such a way that I get my point across but not be an ass when I write it.

 

Ocean- My ex actually broke up with me in an email. I advised her in an email that I had no desire to speak with her or see her. Her response was about 3 lines and she said, she would not bother me or call me. I don't know if she would bother or not after I send a response. I'm not sure how

I would react as far as if I would continue the dialogue or not. I think if she feels guilty, she may just want to forget about it. It's easier for her to deal with it if she doesn't have something to think about. I think she said her actions weren't intentional in an attempt to ease her guilt. If she did, in fact, respond, I think I would be strong enough to start NC. I just feel I do need to get these couple of things off of my chest.

 

Angelsfan- You and I think alike in some respects. While I was cutting my lawn, I was running scenarios through my head and thought if I did send an abrasive email initially, she could damage my stuff and then send it. She doesn't seem the type but then again, she didn't seem the type to screw me over either.

 

Anybody else have opinions they could provide to assit me?

Thanks Everybody, I truly appeciate your time and assistance!

[Spinderella]

I usually think its better just to lose the stuff. At least ask yourself if its really the stuff you want, or her.

Weigh it up. Is the stuff worth it or not?

[ncpd25]

Hi Spin,

I thought about that as well. I thought about the stuff that she has and wondered if I really need it. She has a couple of cd's and a dvd. I could easily replace them. The one thing she has is a shirt that my buddy in the FDNY gave me. I was a cop in N.Y. and lost friends on 9/11. I'm actually trying to reach my friend to see if he can send me another. If I can get one, I may just walk away.

 

I know it sounds petty, but, I hate to think that she has this mind set that she didn't do anything intentional. I just wanted to let her know what I thought of her. I realize it won't make a difference and to be honest with you, I don't think I would even want to get back with her as I'd never trust her again. It has been eating away at me and I thought, if I had the opportunity to tell her, I'd feel better. I haven't had any contact with her and I won't have a problem with NC. I'm confident about that. I just don't want it to continue to eat away at me.

[Spinderella]

Hold on! I just re-read your first post. So she only lied about how long it had been before they broke up, and then you ended things because of that?

 

Have you asked her why she felt the need to lie about it? Are you worried that she may still be seeing him?

[ncpd25]

When we first met, she told me she got divorced 4 years ago and made no mention of her boyfriend. A while later, she told me about him and told me she had broken up with him at the beginning of the year. When I went to a therapist, 1 1/2 years ago, a determination was made that I gravitated towards women that were either just divorced or just broken up with someone. My therapist told me, if I met somebody in those circumstances, to just say "It was nice meeting you" and move on. I adopted that mindset and moved forward. I told my ex about it and she advised me that wasn't the case with her and she would never use me as a rebound. I got to the point where I trusted her with my heart and soul. I told her I never wanted to be a rebound again and she told me not to worry about it.

 

Initially, I didn't know that she was not being truthful with me. In my opinion, she broke up with me in her voicemail when she advised she had mixed emotions, wasn't ready for a relationship, thought she loved me but didn't and she needed to work through issues with her ex. He visited her 5 days before all of this happened. She said, she never trusted him, he was dating somebody behind her back (but, he wasn't sleeping with her), they never did anything together and she and her ex were more roommates than anything else. She said she did not want that in a relationship.

 

When she spoke with him, she said he explained why he lied to her and she said she understood why he lied.

 

I felt it was rather ruthless and cold-hearted that she told me this in a voicemail but, I've listened to the voicemail time and time again to make sure, I wasn't reading into it. I kept drawing the same conclusion, that she was dumping me. She advised me in her response that she was sorry but, didn't intentionally hurt me. She said, many of the things I said in the email was true and she still cared for me.

 

No, I didn't ask her why she lied to me. To be honest with you, after receiving that voicemail and not hearing from her for the rest of the weekend, I was pretty upset by her actions. I didn't send my email until 2 days later. She really gave the impression she was blowing me off. It seemed she went from being so sincere and genuine to being totally non-chalant about it. I never expected that fom her. I don't feel I misread her voicemail due to her saying she wasn't ready for a relatinship and she didn't think she was in love with me. I know I shouldn't assume but, I feel she didn't tell me the truth about her circumstances with her ex in fear of me walking away or she didn't want to appear she was getting into a relationship immediately after breaking up with him. As a matter of fact, 4 days days before her voicemail, we spoke about his visit. She became concerned that I would leave her over it. I told I wasn't going anywhere. She always seemed insecure. I was always trying to reassure her that I would always be by her side.

 

I tell you, I'm really confused but, I have a hard time believing she wanted to stay with me. I think he begged her to get back together when he went over her house and he won her over. I don't know how many other times he was around when we were dating if he was at all. I do think she ran back to him.

[Spinderella]

Oh I see. Well she did mislead you, no doubt about that. Its your right to have a relationship with the type of person that you choose to, and I can understand you being upset that somebody heard your criteria and misled you to believe they fitted that.

It is interesting that you still gravitated toward the same type of woman.

I dont think its a label you need to give yourself though, you may be acting how you expect yourself to act. Do you know what I mean?

Its much better to think I dont need to question a woman because I am only attracted to women who are fully ready to have a relationship with me.

Affirmations work, I believe.

[ncpd25]

It's kind of odd to place myself in a position where I have to question (not verbally) someones postion with respect to relationships and I'd rather not have to do it. I previously placed myself in a position where I was continually being a rebound. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time but, my therapist advised me I needed to break that cycle.

 

When I met my current ex, we spoke of relationships etc.. She asked me why I wasn't with anybody because she said, it seemed odd that "such a great guy with looks isn't with anybody". I proceeded to tell her a little bit abount my past relationships (I had one girlfriend that said, she wanted me to give her $5000. a month so that she could maintain her lifestyle!!) and my being a rebound in the past and each time, I would not immediately look for another relationship but, I would take time to myself and get over any ill feelings before going out with another. I will not use anybody as a rebound. I explained to her about what I was advised and didn't actually direct a make a comment that I thought she was included in my "criteria" (she was looking for a rebound).

 

That is when she said, she would never do that to me. I feel she knew where I stood about it. As an afterthought, I thought that would have been the perfect opportunity for her to tell me the truth about her circumstances.

 

I thought I was following my therapists advice and when I did, I was told bold face lies and burned anyway.

 

I honestly felt she was "the one" after all of the talks we had and how she claims she felt. That's what bothers me the most. I feel even if she did decide to contact me and discuss the matter, I don't think I could ever trust her again.

 

It may sound stupid, but I really feel as if I should just give up on relationships and stay on my own. I'm tired of getting hurt. My trust levels are pretty much non-existent at this point. I never had a lot of people in my life I could trust anyway, including family. I really trusted with her with all of my heart and soul. I feel I gave her my trust and she walked all over it.

[Ocean-Blue]

I agree with the other poster...send her a polite email, get your stuff back AND THEN email her whatever you want to.

 

I don't think it's petty that you want that stuff back. You value some of those things, there is nothing wrong with wanting them back. If it were me, I wouldn't want her to have those things...it's not really about the things themselves (aside from the sentimental stuff), it's more that SHE has them...sort of unsettling I'm sure.

 

Hope you get your stuff back!

[ncpd25]

Hi Everybody,

Just wanted to make a quick post about my decision on how to handle the issue of getting some personal effects back from my ex.

 

First of all, I placed a call to my buddy who works for FDNY and I asked him if he could get me another shirt. He advised it shouldn't be a problem (Thank God!!!).

 

I then wrote a quick email to my ex advising her to keep the gifts I gave her for her birthday (She said she would mail them to me if I wanted them). I didn't say this but, I have no use for the things I gave her. Among other things, I gave her collectible Disney figurines.

 

I then advised her I didn't need the CD's back as I already replaced them and I also told her I replaced a DVD as well. I advised my ex, I would let her know about my shirt that she has (the one mentioned above).

 

Her response was short and sweet. She said, Thanks for the birthday gifts and to let her know about the shirt. She said she could leave it at the guard at the gate house where she works.

 

She seemed rather condescending which I'm not sure if I expected that or not. She never acted like that before. Now, she's as cold as ice. Maybe due to the fact, she may have gotten back with her ex???

 

I decided I will not contact her either way about the shirt. I figured, if my buddy can get me another...Great. If not, I think I can live without it. I don't think I would want the one that she has back anyway. I don't need the constant reminder. Not to mention, I'm not going to her place of business to pick something up after she dumps it in someone elses hands.

 

As for writing out my feelings about her in an email, it probably won't make a difference, it may make me look like a fool, she probably won't care anyway (eventhough, she claims she still cares about me, she has a funny way of showing it) and I won't give her the satisfaction of sending an emotional email.

 

I figure....walk away, don't look back and leave it at that.

 

She has way too much baggage and I don't have enough skycaps to get her to the curb!!

 

I'm fairly confident, if she is back with her ex, he'll end up lying and cheating on her again anyway. One thing I know for certain, she won't have me to turn to next time. She's on her own!!

[Ocean-Blue]

Hi Everybody,

Just wanted to make a quick post about my decision on how to handle the issue of getting some personal effects back from my ex.

 

First of all, I placed a call to my buddy who works for FDNY and I asked him if he could get me another shirt. He advised it shouldn't be a problem (Thank God!!!).

 

I then wrote a quick email to my ex advising her to keep the gifts I gave her for her birthday (She said she would mail them to me if I wanted them). I didn't say this but, I have no use for the things I gave her. Among other things, I gave her collectible Disney figurines.

 

I then advised her I didn't need the CD's back as I already replaced them and I also told her I replaced a DVD as well. I advised my ex, I would let her know about my shirt that she has (the one mentioned above).

 

Her response was short and sweet. She said, Thanks for the birthday gifts and to let her know about the shirt. She said she could leave it at the guard at the gate house where she works.

 

She seemed rather condescending which I'm not sure if I expected that or not. She never acted like that before. Now, she's as cold as ice. Maybe due to the fact, she may have gotten back with her ex???

 

I decided I will not contact her either way about the shirt. I figured, if my buddy can get me another...Great. If not, I think I can live without it. I don't think I would want the one that she has back anyway. I don't need the constant reminder. Not to mention, I'm not going to her place of business to pick something up after she dumps it in someone elses hands.

 

As for writing out my feelings about her in an email, it probably won't make a difference, it may make me look like a fool, she probably won't care anyway (eventhough, she claims she still cares about me, she has a funny way of showing it) and I won't give her the satisfaction of sending an emotional email.

 

I figure....walk away, don't look back and leave it at that.

 

She has way too much baggage and I don't have enough skycaps to get her to the curb!!

 

I'm fairly confident, if she is back with her ex, he'll end up lying and cheating on her again anyway. One thing I know for certain, she won't have me to turn to next time. She's on her own!!

 

C'est bon!

 

I think you're handling all of this quite well. You are moving on and not letting her get to you. Pretty soon, she'll be nothing but a distant memory. You're a sweet guy for not being a total a$$ about all of this.

 

[ncpd25]

I don't know what it is with me. I just feel that there's nothing I can really do about it. If she went back to her ex, that's her business. Yes, I'm upset and I feel like a total fool but, I don't know if I'm accepting of it because I've been in this position before and I've become somewhat numb to it or if I just really don't want to rub my own nose in it and feel like a bigger fool. To be honest with you, if she did go back with her ex (I can't think of any other reason that she would do a 180 like she did), I'm fairly confident, he's going to continue to lie to her and cheat on her. Even the girl who arranged this whole thing told me "She is so going to regret this".

I know I won't be there to pick up the pieces for her again.

 

I honestly don't believe I could ever get back with her, if it became an option. I know I would never be able to trust her. Call me a ding-a-ling but, I honestly feel the cornerstone of a meaningful relationship is based on trust and communication.

 

I've sat around the past couple of weeks really wondering if I'm "too nice" and maybe I need to adopt a crapier attitude (I really don't believe I could change like that, it's not me) or if something is wrong with me. I keep running into women on the rebound. As much as I tried to avoid that, I thought I met somebody that wasn't going to use me as a rebound and she told me bold-face lies and I got burned again anyway.

 

It sounds a little foolish but, I'm seriously beginning to think I'm not meant to be with anybody. I'm prepared to resign myself to the fact that maybe I should just stay on my own and avoid all of the high school headgames.

 

Thanks for your time and input. I really appreciate you visiting my post and providing me with much needed insight.

 

I'll talk with you again!!

[LakesideDream]

Kudo's ncpd25. In my experiance, the key to maintaining and building your personal self esteem begins with honoring the limits and standards you set for yourself.

 

Obviously you recognize that you have made questionable relationship choices in the past, identified them, and have taken steps to avoid them in the future.

 

You explained your situation to this lady, and she decided her needs whatever they were should be placed before your personal limits and standards and told lies to try and accomplish her aims.

 

Good for you for showing her the door!

[ncpd25]

Lakeside,

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I still think she is the one that broke up with me (in a voicemail no less). Two days after her ex boyfriend stopped by her house unannounced, and cried to her, she advised me that she now understood why he constantly lied to her. He seems like a pretty pathetic individual. He owned a restaurant that he lost due to not paying the taxes on the place, he borrowed $25K from her to pay for his divorce and said he would pay her back when he sells his house (that was 2 years ago). He lied to her about what he used the money for. His wife actually paid for the divorce and he took the money that was given to him and bought a boat (that he's actually living on right now) and other frivilous things. He cheated on her (his wife and my ex) but he said, he was only dating the woman, he didn't sleep with her. My ex bought that.

 

It was five days after he came to her house crying that she dumped me via voicemail. She said she wanted to meet with me and talk but, I told her I didn't see the need, I didn't need to hear any more lies or excuses. I told her to walk away and don't look back. I was civil in my voicemail but, I really cut her down saying she's deceitful, ruthless and cold hearted for breaking up with me by voicemail.

 

I also told her that she asked me for my trust and then she proceeded to walk all over it. I didn't even want to see or speak with her. As I said, if she did, in fact, go back to her ex, it won't be long before he's treating her like trash again. If that's what she wants, she's got it. She told me they never even did anything together, he did his things and she did hers. She described them as being "roommates" more than anything else.

 

I just don't have patience for people like that. As hurt as I was, she's just not worth it. I'll eventually get rid of this lousy feeling and move on.

 

Thanks again for contributing your views etc... I really appreciate it.

[popey]

good for you. you seem to have a thoughtfull and mature attitude. That is a very desirable attribute that should help you find a better relationship.

[ncpd25]

Thanks for the compliment. I've always believed in treating my girlfriends with dignity and respect. Until, of course they do what my ex just did. I hope that someday I'll meet somebody that will accept me for who I am and I can trust that person with all of my heart.

 

I guess it's a situation of "Hurry up and wait"

 

One good thing though, I just received an eamil from my buddy in the FDNY. He's sending me 4 shirts and a sweatshirt to replace the one my ex has. Talk about overkill!!

 

Thanks again for your input. I really appreciate it.

[Ocean-Blue]

I don't know what it is with me. I just feel that there's nothing I can really do about it. If she went back to her ex, that's her business. Yes, I'm upset and I feel like a total fool but, I don't know if I'm accepting of it because I've been in this position before and I've become somewhat numb to it or if I just really don't want to rub my own nose in it and feel like a bigger fool. To be honest with you, if she did go back with her ex (I can't think of any other reason that she would do a 180 like she did), I'm fairly confident, he's going to continue to lie to her and cheat on her. Even the girl who arranged this whole thing told me "She is so going to regret this".

I know I won't be there to pick up the pieces for her again.

 

I honestly don't believe I could ever get back with her, if it became an option. I know I would never be able to trust her. Call me a ding-a-ling but, I honestly feel the cornerstone of a meaningful relationship is based on trust and communication.

 

I've sat around the past couple of weeks really wondering if I'm "too nice" and maybe I need to adopt a crapier attitude (I really don't believe I could change like that, it's not me) or if something is wrong with me. I keep running into women on the rebound. As much as I tried to avoid that, I thought I met somebody that wasn't going to use me as a rebound and she told me bold-face lies and I got burned again anyway.

 

It sounds a little foolish but, I'm seriously beginning to think I'm not meant to be with anybody. I'm prepared to resign myself to the fact that maybe I should just stay on my own and avoid all of the high school headgames.

 

Thanks for your time and input. I really appreciate you visiting my post and providing me with much needed insight.

 

I'll talk with you again!!

 

I'd say what you are feeling is what most people feel after a break up. They question themselves ("am I too nice?" and the like). I suspect this is temporary.

 

That said...and at the risk of sounding like a biatch... Perhaps you are attracting a certain kind of woman? I know nice guys sometimes get shafted in the end... Don't be a welcome mat for these women. I'm not saying that you are... BUT if you've experienced this before, it might be something you may want to look into. Sometimes it's easier to hurt a nice guy than a mean one (b/c you don't fear the repercussions). I'm certainly not saying that you should turn into a mean SOB...but perhaps you might want to look within and figure out what it is that brings such women into your life.

 

I'm a strong believer in vibes and the like. At the least this is food for thought, no?

[ncpd25]

Ocean,

I agree with you 100%. The funny things is when I went to a therapist, I was told to list my exes, where they had been and why we had broken up. It was odd, because I never really placed much thought into it, but, as I made the list I began to clearly see that I had pursued women who were either just getting divorced, recently divorced or just broken up with somebody.

 

My therapist advised me to walk away from anybody in those circumstances. The thing that bothers me is, I tried to protect myself and casually find out the circumstances of my current ex. When we first met, she told me she had been divorced for 4 years. I thought "Four years, that's seems enough time to heal and move on". She failed to tell me about her ex boyfriend until a few weeks later.

 

She then advised me, they broke up several months ago. I again thought "seems like an adequate amount of time". I don't know if I was making excuses, I really cared for her.

 

I then found out, she lied about going to visit her daughter for the weekend. I asked why she didn't call me, we could have done something that weekend. She told me she spent the weekend with her ex boyfriends son. At the time, I thought maybe the boy missed her and she wanted to spend some time with him.

 

Another weekend, her exes other son went to a concert with his girlfriend and they spent the night at my ex girlfriends place so they didn't have to drive so far to get home. I thought "O.K., seems innocent enough". The following day, she had to step out of the house and she told me later that when she arrived home, her ex, his son and girlfriend were all hanging out at the house with the music blaring and they were all carrying on. That upset me some. I thought to myself "Why is he coming by unannounced"?

 

She claims she was really upset that he was at the house and told him to leave. Then he stopped by to pick up his personal effects the following weekend. Again, I thought to myself "What the hell is going on, he moved out seven months ago and he's just getting his stuff now"!!

She told me he never took it with him due to him living on his boat and not having room for it.

 

He still had a gun cabinet with rifles and shotguns in it when you walk into the bedroom. I assume the beers in the fridge were his as my ex only drinks wine and she doesn't have much, if any company over house.

 

Then he ended up stoping over the house one Sunday evening all upset and crying. He was upset about the relationship ending. My ex told me she was reluctant to let him in the house but, it turned out to be a good talk. She claims that he explained why he always lied to her and she now understood why he lied to her for 4 years. She then told me about his visit in an email and advised me she didn't want to hide anything from me. She was in love with me and she didn't want to lose me over this. She then asked me to have patience with her and she promised not to "let me down". Then I thought, they broke up several months ago, and he's coming by 9 months later?

 

I honestly believed she was being forthright with me. Two days later, we went to take a walk on the beach. I told her, I wasn't comfortable with him stopping by unanounced. I said, "what if I had been there, he just stops by whenever he feels like it, why doesn't he pick up the phone"? At that point she asked me "You're not going to break up with me are you"? I said no, but I was a little upset about what was going on. I told her I wasn't going to walk away from her and things would be O.K.

 

A couple of days later, I was supposed to go with her to N.J. but I wasn't able to make it. She advised "That's O.K., they'll be plenty of more opportunities for us to go"

 

The following day, less than 24 hours later, she left me a voicemail advising she had a long talk with her girlfriend and she now has mixed emotions, she thought she was in love with me but she isn't and she didn't feel she was ready for a relationship. She said I was perfect, treated her like gold and she still really cared about me and everytime she looks in my eyes, she melts. Her voicemail was crystal clear that she didn't want to be with me and she had to address issues with her ex.

 

I mentioned things in an email I sent her the following day advising I didn't feel she was being honest with me from the minute she met me and I believed she had broken up with her ex only a week or two before meeting me. I wished her and her ex well.

 

She responded by saying many of the things I mentioned in my email were true. She then stated that, whether I believe it or not, she still really cares for me. I never responded back with the exception of the personal effects she had.

 

So, you see, eventhough, I had some foresight about protecting myself and what to avoid, I thought her circumstances were O.K. Of course I began to question things but, she always seemed to have a good answer and continuously told me, she no longer had feeelings for him and she was over him (I realize now, she was telling me bold-face lies). I guess I gave her the benefit of the doubt when maybe I should have been more sceptical. I guess I had no reason not to trust her. I feel I had every intention of protecting myself, but, she was a good liar (Something she claims she never does). I was mad at myself for being hoodwinked but as I said, I truly cared for her and wanted to believe in her. If you were to look at my ex and speak with her, you would think "What a sweet person". She really comes across as a genuine, caring person. That's one of the things I was so intrigued about. She appeared down to earth. I would never have pegged her to lie to me. She really shocked the hell out of me. When I told my friends (male and female) what happened, they had responses like: She's self absorbed, she's selfish, she's a bi***, She's a psychopath. They met and knew her. Of course they're going to take my side and try and make me feel a little better.

 

It'll be a while before I date anybody. I'll need a while to recover from this one, if I can trust again. As for her, if she's back with her ex, she'll be cheated on and lied to again.

 

Thanks for the insight Ocean!!

[Spinderella]

I dont know why men always say that they are too nice and need to turn into an arrogant jerk to get a woman to stay with them. So sounds like this one had unfinished business with the ex.

You say theres always a similar theme to all your relationships. Just wondering from things you've said, whether you try to take on a rescuer role in your relationships?

The trouble with being a rescuer, is that you always get troubled women!

Maybe you need to work on some self esteem or something else, so that you feel you can have a normal equal relationship. I know you say this woman lied to you about the ex, but I think theres a certain vibe that damsels in distress give out, or confused women give out, perhaps that feeds into a knight in shining armour image you have of yourself.

Just guessing, and only because I have been in many confused states, and I have had heros come to save me. The truth was, I didnt want to be made to feel weaker by that type of treatment, I was desperately unhappy, and wanted to feel strong. It was scary for me, to feel that I was possibly becoming dependent on someone who was doing too much for me, and I did not want to trust it, because I did not want to feel weaker. I would say that I wanted to get strong alone, and they would say thing like "Anything you need, I'll be there".

Dont know if that makes sense or not.

Anyway, if I am way off just tell me to be quiet!

[ncpd25]

Spin,

 

First I'd like to say Thanks for your views. I appreciate them and I always value them.

 

When I said I should adopt a crapier attitude, I wasn't really considering it. I won't try to change who I am for anybody. I feel I'm a good person and if somebody doesn't care for who I am, that's O.K. I will not adopt an image that doesn't portray me accurately, especially for an unjustified reason.

 

As for the rescuer issue. I don't feel that was the case with my ex. I walked into the relationship with a certain mindset and knew what I didn't want to get involved in. The fact of the matter is, when I met her, I found her to be absolutely incredible. As I got to know her, I found, she was great at her job, she appeared very sure of herself, where she was going and knew what she wanted. I always thought, she was different from the others. We actually discussed how she became more confident and more independent after her divorce. I told her that was fantastic. I can certainly repsect that. It wasn't until later, that I learned that she began dating her boyfriend as soon as she seperated from her husband. Her boyfriend was still married at the time too.

 

I later believed that she had never been on her own and when she and her boyfriend broke up, she was in uncharted waters. That's where I come in. I don't know if she used me as a crutch to get though being alone. Of course I had no idea until after the fact. She seemed so confident of her not having feelings for her ex any longer. She claims she told him that she had moved on and he needed to do the same. She assured me that she no longer had feelings for him and it is now a part of her past.

 

I don't know if she was embarassed to tell me the truth or not. I wish she had been upfront with me. I certainly would have reconsidered my feelings of getting involved. The last thing I want to do is repeat history.

 

When she spoke with me, she always conveyed a message that she was so sure of her feelings for me. There never seemed to be any doubt in her mind at all. I took what she told me as the truth but, I have a difficult time believing she was telling me one thing one day and less than 24 hours later, she did a 180.

 

Of course, I'm upset things didn't work out but, I'm also agitated that she was so convincing with everything she said to me and I later found out, none of it was true. She would look me dead in the eyes and tell me things that she knew wasn't truthful.

 

I guess she threw me a curveball. I hoped that if somebody had recently broke up with somebody, they would say that instead of fabricating another story. I'm not saying I hate her, I just wish things turned out on a more positive note. I highly doubt I could ever trust her if the opportunity ever came up for a second chance.

 

I have to regroup and eventually I'll piece myself together and move on.

 

Thanks again Spin. I appreciate it and, no, you don't have to be quiet!!