Now I am feeling anger

[StillConfused]

I am on my third day of NC and don't worry I am as strong as ever. I am always more confident that I am doing the right thing. The only difference with respect to other days is that I am just feeling this anger. I am usually a very sensitive and profound person. Always trying to understand everybody. So anger is not a common feeling for me. I am not enraged with him. I am enraged with myself for ever believing him. This morning, I am here, thinking about all the events that have taken place and that had clearly indicated to me that he was lying. How could I be so stupid to fall into his net? I saw all this stuff even before, I doubted all this stuff even before, I asked for explanation but for one reason or another he always had a plausible explanation. He always exploited my altruism. My need for helping him out in his difficult situation. I felt so much compassion for him. And now that I am looking at everything from a different perspective, with a clearer mind, I just can't help asking myself: How could you be so naive and stupid? Please let me vent a bit. Here were all the signs in a chronological order which had made me think a lot throughout our "relationship". Why did I fall for his explanations that now look to me as clear lies? Grrrrrrrrrrrr:

1) When he was supposedly separated (leaving in separate houses), I caught him once in a bathroom that he was making a late night call. I told him that he could have called her even in front of me if he had nothing to hide. He replied he did not want to hurt me and was just calling her dad to wish him happy birthday!!! what a dump explanation right? And I am even dumber for wanting to believe him

2) He invited me for dinner to his mom's to introduce me to her and prove to me that his relationship with his "ex" was really over. The day when the dinner was supposed to take place, he told me that his "ex" came back to his home because she had some more issues to discuss. And guess what? She stayed. And she remained there for 3 months now!!!! How can I be so stupid !!! I am such a smart girl usually. How could I fall?

3) he always told me how awful she was and how bad the separation was between them. Yet, every time that she'd call, he would reply with such a sweet and enamoured voice that I was wondering where was all the anger he talked to me about. Plus he never talked to her in front of me. So I actually should have known that this was because he was lying to me.

4) Although they were "separated", they went on 2 vacations together since I've known him. About the second one I found out by chance because I was helping him out on his PC and all of a sudden an email arrived from his "ex": "hello my love!!! I am so happy soon we'll be on vacation together!" I felt devastated. When I questioned him, he said that he could not help if she was still in love with him although he had told her many times that it was over and that he was not going on vacation with her but with mutual friends (cause I could not go on vacation). After this incident, I broke up with him "for good"... While we were broken up, he went on vacation with her (although he continues saying with mutual friends and she was just there because he could not avoid this). Afterwards, he came back begging me to believe him and that to prove to me that he was telling me the truth and that it was over between them, although she was not leaving his house and had no intention of leaving, he would move out himself in the end of the month. I don't know why, but he looked so miserable to me that I gave him time. I should have known better and should have stuck to my NC. I was starting to feel so much better without him. Yet, I told him if he did not respect his deadline at this time, I would go on with my life without him.

5) When the date arrived, she had not moved, so supposedly, he "moved out" and moved in with his friend (who does not know anything about me). Yet, things did not change. I mean he still could not spend with me the time I needed. I confronted him with that and told him that he was not giving me what I needed and that he should have respected his promise of letting me go. He replied that he'd do anything I needed in order to feel that he was there for me. 3 weeks ago we talked about all the issues and what I needed from him. He never respected all those things he promised he'd do. Meanwhile, he continued seeing me only when he could. Although "he had moved out" (which I doubted), he could only spend so much time with me because he had other responsibilities towards his mom, his friends, and so on. Plus he would not respond to my late evening calls. Of course all this stuff made me feel even more suspicious. I told him I did not believe that he had moved out. He was sad but promised me that would take me to his friend's house. Time passed but he never did.

6) during this period of separation, they still talked to each other "like friends". Yet he described his separation to me as awful. He even told me he kicked her out of his house before he moved out but she kept yelling and screaming and he had to open the door cause all neighbours came out. Do you really believe this stuff??? Does this look like a soap opera? Oh, my god, I need more patience than I've got.

7) So, I confronted him once again. This time I told him in a cold way: I know that you have not moved out. First he seemed sad and asked me: if you know that I have not moved out, you have your reasons, please tell me why. I've explained to him and when I was done, he got really angry with me. Told me that that moment he hated me so much that did not want to even see me next to himself. That I had changed so much and I was no longer the sweet and giving person I was until a month ago. That he needed and wanted back his old me. That he loved so much. So blindly. He told me that he did not want another controlling person in his life. And that although he loved me, he was not sure I was all that good of a person that I told him I was. That now he started doubting whether I really am who I claim to be. This seemed like an overreaction to me. Also, because I did not do anything so bad. I did not follow him around. Did not check on him. Just told him that I knew he had not moved out of his house because of the way he behaved. If a were in his shoes and I had done what he did to me, I would be upset that the other person did not believe me but instead of getting mad I would provide the proofs to the person "I love so deeply". To me this was a further confirmation that he was lying to me. Why do I always have to adapt to his timing? Why do I have to stick around for months and years especially considering that I don't know what is really going on with his girlfriend. Initially they were separated, then they were separating, then they went again on vacation, then he moved out, yet she's still there making his life difficult? I think he's the only once making his own life difficult by lying to everyone around him. I feel so sorry for his girlfriend and I feel so sorry that I took a part in this soap opera!!! I hope she's really doing good.

8) this time I decided to play a game. Now I was more convinced than ever that he was lying to me big time. So I told him. It's time for things to get clear and concrete. It's time for all these lies to stop and things to come out under sunlight. So, either we are together now with all the consequences, or we are just friends. I figured that he would choose the second because he could not afford choosing the first one as he had been lying to me. So I was right. He told me that from the way I behaved myself he no longer believed our love was so clean and pure and that he needed time to figure out so he wanted to be friends. I asked him, are you really ready to through away like this everything that we've had and built? And he replied: I am not throwing anything away. I love you but for now I want to be friends. I am gonna continue having you in my life as a friend. And I told him: it's over... I don't want a friend like you and walked away. Right after this incident he send me a message apologizing. He said that he was feeling too low and that he was sorry. I did not even reply. I am never going to reply. He does not deserve any of my pain. In fact, I am doing wonderful. I am strong. But I am so angry. WHY HAVE I EVER BELIEVED HIM? Don't you think that I was really stupid? I had all signs in front of me. Yet, I chose to stay next to him all these months because he needed me and he had no one else to support him in this "awful" separation. Why play with people like this? Sometimes I worry about his girlfriend. I am wondering whether she's doing OK. Sometimes I even wonder for her mental and physical safety. I am glad that I managed to maintain my sanity through all this. But why let all this to happen?????????????????????? If someone else had told me all this stuff about her boyfriend, I would tell her to dump him immediately and move away 1000 miles and block all the contact.

 

Sorry for such a long post. I just needed to vent. nobody's required to respond . But if you want to, I would like to appreciate your opinion on how a person could lie like this.

[StillConfused]

All this manipulation and brain washing with NO sex involved. We stopped having it several months back. I felt bad about it and he proposed to me not to have sex until he would resolve his situation that he was definitely gonna do shortly because he loved me.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Stillconfused,

 

I just wanted to say your NOT stupid. We automatically look for the good in people that we love - thats not a bad thing, its something to be proud of. Its him who used that against you, and its him who is at fault here. Just like BS's who deny affairs, deny love, deny relationships - because its just too unconceivable that someone who loves them would have the capability to lie to them so much.

 

You sound like you're being really strong, and long may it continue x

[StillConfused]

thank you so much for replying . I am having mixed emotions today although none to compromise my integrity and decision. But the anger does not get along very well with my character. So, towards the end of the day I started feeling more compassionate towards him. Now I am feeling that I hope things work out for them. I hope they will be able to fix their relationship and will be able to be happy together. I hope that he like me has learnt his lesson and will not commit another mistake like this. And I hope that my decision to leave will actually make a good difference for them. I am feeling much better this way . I prefer to have positive thoughts . THANK YOU AGAIN.

[pricillia]

Hi SC,

 

I do not think that you are stupid at all, sometimes I think that lies are stronger than the truth and that is why we believe so fully.

 

I think that you did the right thing by letting him go, he tried to manipultate you to many times.

[PoshPrincess]

SC, you will go through a whole variety of emotions during this break-up and I daresay anger towards MM will also come at some point. You're not an idiot for falling for what is typical MM BS. We've all been there! I keep doing the same. I can't believe how totally stupid I was to be convinced of all his lies. Even my friends were - and not just the female ones. I blame myself for turning into a 'slight bunny boiler' but I keep being told that if he hadn't told me all the BS about leaving, being with me, etc then I wouldn't have been in that mess. I felt like he had taken everything away from me (which I guess is how his W would have felt if he HAD left so someone was going to be hurt). In a way, my friends are right. If he hadn't started telling me he loved me (btw the R was more of an EA so he wasn't trying to get me into bed) then I never would have told him and could have dealt with things differently.

 

You MUST stop blaming yourself for believing in him. Of course you did, you loved him. I am glad that you are being strong. At least you have made this decision now and things can only get better from here on in.