LankyGuy Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 So in the office the other day a few of us were talking about relationships and one of my officemates said something to me implying that I had several sexual partners in the past...I'm 33, by the way. I told her no, just my wife and one of my HS girlfriends. She seemed to be absolutely shocked, saying that especially since I'm a "really good looking guy". It blew her away that I never had casual sex, flings, etc. I told her I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I can tell pretty quicly if a woman is someone that I could see myself in a relationship with...If not, then sharing the intimacies of sex just isn't extremely appealing to me. I basically got used to brushing off womens' advances till I met one that rocked my world...the latest being my wife back when I was 19. The ones that I met and even went out on dates with during a 1 year break-up period when we were dating didn't do much more for me than get a rise in my pants, so I never felt like pursuing it "just" for sex or "good time". I'm not religious and certainly am attracted to women, but I think unlike most men I do need an emotional connection to want to have sex with a woman and I think I could get attached to a woman with something as intimate as a night of sex...not worth it if I know it's something that would only be short term. My co-worker started making me feel like I had really missing out by never playing the field...I told her that it's a nice feeling to no that ALL of my sexual experiences were just with two women...and in fact the only woman I've ever had unprotected sex with is my wife...and I know that my wife likes that :-) And it's not like I'm an ugly guy. I always had girlfriends in elementary, middle and high school, and the "hot" girls that I worked with at Outback Steakhouse when I was in college often flirted with me and asked me to call them...I guess I'm just really picky and not an aggressive guy...in retrospect I bet they suspected I was gay So this lady made me feel like kind of a freak...anyone else on here that's in my position...chose not to have lots of partners for non-religious reasons. Did I miss anything by not spreading my seed?
soulsurf Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Well it takes ALL kinds, so if you were talking to a different co-worker, they might have asked you why you didn't swing, or do drugs, or why you never ran naked down the street at night, or any number of things. For them this might be normal, for you it's clearly not. Do YOU think you missed anything by not "spreading your seed?" And I think there is a HUGE different between going around and having sex with people, and developing an emotional and physical relationship with someone. Maybe you DID miss out on meeting your soul mate. Personally, random sex with strangers isn't my idea of fun. But maybe to your co-worker, it is! When you chose not to really care what other people think, you tend to worry way less about these kinds of things.
Author LankyGuy Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 True. Sure there are times over the years that I've fantasized about a random hookup. And there were times that I came close to the process happening...real close. But when I think about the actual process it doesn't appeal to me. The awkwardness in the morning, the question of whether it was a one night stand or the start of a relationship, the question of whether I started a relationship based on sex only, etc. My wife had lots of partners in high school...I personally don't care and kinda like the fact that there's a promiscuous/sexy side about her...but she feels like she was "bad"...esp after becoming the 17 year-old OW to a MM (cop) with a story turned out like they always do....psycho BS and all. I have a feeling that my co-worker is validating her own behavior by denouncing mine. She kept mentioning my self-control, etc. She's probably been with lots of guys and apparently only had faild relationships and may be threatened that I could "keep it in my pants" and keep it together with one person. I'm really just curious about what others think. It's not going to change my view on it. My friends who had lots of girls when we were in college (and I was right there for a lot of these hookups) don't seem any happier...most have not been able to feel content in a long-term relationship....always looking for that next best thing.
OpenBook Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 True. Sure there are times over the years that I've fantasized about a random hookup. And there were times that I came close to the process happening...real close. But when I think about the actual process it doesn't appeal to me. The awkwardness in the morning, the question of whether it was a one night stand or the start of a relationship, the question of whether I started a relationship based on sex only, etc. Speaking just for me (as a woman), it's an empty experience. You're not missing much of anything. And fantasy is ALWAYS better than reality anyway. I have a feeling that my co-worker is validating her own behavior by denouncing mine. She kept mentioning my self-control, etc. She's probably been with lots of guys and apparently only had faild relationships and may be threatened that I could "keep it in my pants" and keep it together with one person. She may actually be trying to compliment you, in a backhanded sort of way. (She also kept mentioning how good-looking you are.) You gotta admit, it IS very unusual for an attractive man not to have had many sexual partners. But I agree, I don't think she handled it very well. If you are worried about what the others were thinking, it probably reflected a lot worse on her than it did on you. I'm really just curious about what others think. It's not going to change my view on it. My friends who had lots of girls when we were in college (and I was right there for a lot of these hookups) don't seem any happier...most have not been able to feel content in a long-term relationship....always looking for that next best thing. Bingo. You're right on. Having many sexual partners has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your success in a LTR. It's all about your character as a man. And from the few posts I've read from you, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
OpenBook Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 And speaking of character... You could actually turn the situation around at the office (or anywhere else) and make it LOOK COOL not to sleep around.
Curmudgeon Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Hear. Hear! I'm also a guy and randon, uncommitted, gratuitous sex for its own sake has never appealed to me. If I don't have an emotional connection then no other connection is possible and those connections take time to develop. Anything else is just mindless rutting as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps it all boils down to respecting myself and those I'm with.
Road Rage Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Lankyguy Yawn....oh the woman at the office? She is just another of the umpteen gazillion women in the world looking to be the OW. A woman in OW frame of mind just needs for you to somehow be unhappy, unfulfilled in some way, sooooooo.... she can jump right in and justify luring a man from his wife. You`re just not unhappy Lankyguy! I mean, what`s wrong with you? You got problems or something because you ain`t unhappy.:laugh: If every man was like you OW would be out of business;)
Author LankyGuy Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 She may actually be trying to compliment you, in a backhanded sort of way. (She also kept mentioning how good-looking you are.) That's possible. When she found out, she did also kinda react in a way that is similar to how a guy reacts when he hears that a particular woman is a virgin. It definitely made me feel like I was on the spot, though. Bingo. You're right on. Having many sexual partners has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your success in a LTR. It's all about your character as a man. And from the few posts I've read from you, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Now THAT's a compliment! Thanks! And thanks for your input too, OpenBook..
Leikela Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I agree with Road Rage. Perhaps this woman wanted to have a fling with you. Who implies that their co-workers are promiscuous without an alterior motive anyway? I would stay away from this one! You are not a freak or weird at all. Women would kill to duplicate you. LOL Bask in the glory that you are in the minority when it comes to men. I would be proud and not feel like a freak!
Woggle Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Tell her to mind her business and worry about her own life.
Author LankyGuy Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Curmudgeon, I agree about the respect thing...and I'm glad to see that there are others out there like me... Road Rage, that's an interesting take on it. I never realized that the OW thing was so prevalent, but it does happen where I work...there have been several affairs there over the years...I usually never see it...just hear about it afterwards as gossip :-/ The other lady who was there in this conversation said she actually got into hot water at her last job for a habit of sexual advances towards other co-workers. Alpha female, I guess :-)
Road Rage Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Holy Quacamole Lankyguy I just read the thread you posted about your relationship with your wife! Not exactly the lankyman in la la land I supposed it to be. Yeah, you better watch your step big time with women like the one at the office right now. Looks like they may be lining up to be the OW. Ask them to take a number and have a seat or something:o
soulsurf Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 True. Sure there are times over the years that I've fantasized about a random hookup. And there were times that I came close to the process happening...real close. But when I think about the actual process it doesn't appeal to me. The awkwardness in the morning, the question of whether it was a one night stand or the start of a relationship, the question of whether I started a relationship based on sex only, etc. Now THIS part sounds like you've been giving it some real thought however, so you might want to explore those feelings and see where they are coming from and how you really feel about where you are in your own relationship. I'm not saying your going to do this, but clearly you have given it a good deal of thought. Which I am certainly not condemning you for, just making an observation. The amount of people who come in here simply to badger others with their high moral position is staggering. No one but you lives in your shoes, so take everyone's opinions and advice with a HUGE grain of salt.
Author LankyGuy Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Really Road Rage? Hmm...I'll keep my guard up...I never thought of these women as looking for a weak prey to swoop in on. Yeah, although we're having problems, people at work would consider my wife and I as having a great relationship...and many of them have said this (including this woman) especially since they've witnessed the problems we've been through. I think she may have reacted from jealousy also... The other lady said she only dated "hot'" guys in HS and college but then said that the guy she married is far from hot...that one's got issues too :-) My wife is always telling people that she thinks I'm hot, so when I heard this from this woman, I was like WTF?! Poor husband... If someone asked me about marriage I'd say it's great and that marriage is a great thing. Yes, we have problems, but that's life. You have problems with your job, your boss, your kids, and your parents...riding those dips is part of life.
Author LankyGuy Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 To Soulsurf...Let me make it clear that I was 100% single when I said I came close to a random hookup...not married, in a relationship, etc....This wsa 10 years ago. And when I say I've fantasized about it, it's kinda like when you watch a movie and you see it happen in a scene and it looks sexy, etc. That's as far as that's gone. My wife fanatasizes about the lead singer of Poison pulling her out and taking her backstage everytime we go to their concert...but that's as far as that's gonna go too :-) My wife had huge concerns when we were younger that I hadn't slept around. When we broke up for a year she kinda wanted me to go out and do my thing...I just didn't want to...despite my friends really pushing me to do it. I didn't think it was a big deal that my wife was only my 2nd, but from early on she too made me think that I was missing out....ironic because she had plenty of partners before me and I don't think it was very satisifying for her. Oh, and by the way, I don't believe that we have soulmates, but I believe that we can find the person who is as close to perfect for us as possible...and I felt that way about my wife as soon as I met her. I still have not run into a woman that could come close to what I need compability-wise - and my wife often says the same thing. It's just ironic (and great) that we met each other so early in life...
IpAncA Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I have a feeling that my co-worker is validating her own behavior by denouncing mine. Yep that's what she's doing. I've had people try that on me before. I also never slept around like a lot of my girlfriends have/do. I'm just not like that and I really don't care what they think because it's none of their business. Tell her to mind her business and worry about her own life. Yep. If someone asked me about marriage I'd say it's great and that marriage is a great thing. Yes, we have problems, but that's life. You have problems with your job, your boss, your kids, and your parents...riding those dips is part of life. Yeah I get a hoot out of those who say that if you have problems with anything the marriage isn't good.
soulsurf Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 To Soulsurf...Let me make it clear that I was 100% single when I said I came close to a random hookup...not married, in a relationship, etc....This wsa 10 years ago. And when I say I've fantasized about it, it's kinda like when you watch a movie and you see it happen in a scene and it looks sexy, etc. That's as far as that's gone. My wife fanatasizes about the lead singer of Poison pulling her out and taking her backstage everytime we go to their concert...but that's as far as that's gonna go too :-) My wife had huge concerns when we were younger that I hadn't slept around. When we broke up for a year she kinda wanted me to go out and do my thing...I just didn't want to...despite my friends really pushing me to do it. I didn't think it was a big deal that my wife was only my 2nd, but from early on she too made me think that I was missing out....ironic because she had plenty of partners before me and I don't think it was very satisifying for her. Oh, and by the way, I don't believe that we have soulmates, but I believe that we can find the person who is as close to perfect for us as possible...and I felt that way about my wife as soon as I met her. I still have not run into a woman that could come close to what I need compability-wise - and my wife often says the same thing. It's just ironic (and great) that we met each other so early in life... First off, if your wife fantasizes about that guy, then you have much larger problems brewing! I don't know anyone who doesn't believe in the idea of a soul mate. I'm wondering if your wife asked you if you two were soul mates, it sounds like your answer might be no. What would her answer be? "I still have not run into a woman that could come close to what I need compability-wise" - this sort makes it sound like you are still looking though!
Author LankyGuy Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Soulsurf. I must not be writing too clearly, because you're misinterpreting a lot of what I'm saying in these posts. Well, I'm a scientist...I speak in literal terms...the idea that ONE person in the universe is meant to be yours and somehow you have to run into them while at the grocery store or while on vacation in Timbuktu, etc just seems staggering to me. Now, I do believe that you can have a person that is close as humanly possible to the idea of a soulmate...may sound like semantics but there's a difference. The circumstances between my wife and I are extraordinary, though...here's the abridged story. My wife and I grew up 1.5 hours from each other in tiny towns in PA. We didn't meet until a few weeks after each of us had moved 1000 miles+ to Florida for college...she was a freshman, I was a sophomore...and I had NEVER planned to move fo FL in my life...it was a last minute thing I had to do b/c my parents were transferred down there. Once we met, we found that not only did we just come from PA, but her band director in HS had actually transferred to my HS when we were in 9th/10th grade...we both knew him well. He talked about her school all the time and we even marched in a parade in her 5000 person town a few months before we met...and she was there!!! (We've run into him twice inthe pas 14 years and he's always blown away that we met down there). She knew the name of this band director, had driven by my school and through my town...which she named... many times for her sisters gymnastics competitions, and we even realized that her first cousin had just had a baby with my HS sweetheart''s first cousin...a kid that I went to HS with also! When we were going all over this shortly after we met, before our college class started one day, the people around us who overheard were in shock...and so were we. So between this and the fact that we're compatibile in may ways...from our 5'10 and 6'4" heights, our frugalness, goals, morals, work ethics, backgrounds, love of cars, etc, neither of us can imagine the other finding someone else to fill the other's shoes...Heck, we look so much alike, when we were younger people often thought we were brother and sister! So, if I believed in the soulmate theory, I'd certainly say that my wife and I are soulmates...and I know she'd say the same. Regarding my statement that you quoted...um...no I'm not looking...I merely said that I HAVE NOT RUN INTO anyone whom would even remotely be as good as my wife is for me. Just casual observations of the public...And I'm sure she'd say the same, because we often look at ourselves from a distance and say "man, I don't know if anyone could take the place for either of us!" She often compares me to her friends' husbands and says..."man, I could never be married to X"...so she's comparing me to other guys, but I don't think she's looking either.
MrsHellnoFire Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 True. Sure there are times over the years that I've fantasized about a random hookup. And there were times that I came close to the process happening...real close. But when I think about the actual process it doesn't appeal to me. The awkwardness in the morning, the question of whether it was a one night stand or the start of a relationship, the question of whether I started a relationship based on sex only, etc. My wife had lots of partners in high school...I personally don't care and kinda like the fact that there's a promiscuous/sexy side about her...but she feels like she was "bad"...esp after becoming the 17 year-old OW to a MM (cop) with a story turned out like they always do....psycho BS and all. I have a feeling that my co-worker is validating her own behavior by denouncing mine. She kept mentioning my self-control, etc. She's probably been with lots of guys and apparently only had faild relationships and may be threatened that I could "keep it in my pants" and keep it together with one person. I'm really just curious about what others think. It's not going to change my view on it. My friends who had lots of girls when we were in college (and I was right there for a lot of these hookups) don't seem any happier...most have not been able to feel content in a long-term relationship....always looking for that next best thing. Well she apparently is trying to make herself feel better about herself and past discretions. Of course some women cannot control themselves but they also have to deal with the backlash of being stood up on the SECOND date and/or dumped soonafter because the guy they slept with was a jerk just wanting to up the notches on his belt. Please.... are you missing anything? ?? Random sex with strangers and no connection isn't really missing much. It feels good for like what? 10 minutes and then you never get a call back. lol. A real connection and relationship with someone offers so much more in return. Anyways, my partner is in a similiar situation. He has only been with a couple women before me and we have been together for 10 years and have two children together. He is handsome, tall, sweet and had many opportunities but never wanted to get involved with strange women anyways. EVERY ONE Is different. What might be comfortable for one might not be for another. soulsurf, are you kidding me? Soul mates is a fairytale concept groomed to lonely soap opera-watching women. Just a very illogical concept to me. Gotta love the women who now come to terms that their second husband wasn't actually their soul mate.. but the 3rd husband is.
MrsHellnoFire Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Lankyguy Yawn....oh the woman at the office? She is just another of the umpteen gazillion women in the world looking to be the OW. A woman in OW frame of mind just needs for you to somehow be unhappy, unfulfilled in some way, sooooooo.... she can jump right in and justify luring a man from his wife. You`re just not unhappy Lankyguy! I mean, what`s wrong with you? You got problems or something because you ain`t unhappy.:laugh: If every man was like you OW would be out of business;) LOL.. no doubt!!! She already gave off promiscuous vibes.. she probably gets a kick out of trying to suck onto married men to validate herself and raise some self-esteem. Also sounds like the coworker at the OP's work has never met a decent guy and is probably jealous on a multitude of issues! Hell, if having some character is at the height of your worries, I'm pretty sure you have no serious problems in your life. LOL. And be thankful for that! You're a scientist for pete's sake? I'm guessing most men would pale in comparison.. Is your coworker a scientist too? I cannot fathom the type of discussions like this that go on in the workplace talking about having too little or too much sex and another woman talking about her ugly husband. Do these people have no shame? She sounds nuts to me or maybe she is just hard up! I would stay away from her because she sounds interested.
Author LankyGuy Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Yes, I'm a scientist...molecular biologist... but these two women are bachelor's level biologists...layman may call them scientists, but they're basically technicians. But we've had PhD and MS level scientists in affairs with each other at work...high IQs mean nothing when it comes to the almighty penis :-) In fact the MD,PhD CEO who ran the entire institution was caught in an affair with an underling and had to resign and lose his $500K salary...quite a scandal... Lots of discussions come up around the water cooler, just like any workplace. It's ALL women in my office area except for my supervisor, so I hear all kinds of conversations. I forget what the context was, but it was something about previous girlfriends before I was married...said nope, only two LTRs...no random partners other than that. A LOT of women have casual sex. When my wife and I were dating when we were 18 (she just turned 18)...we talked specfically about our past and I was sick to my stomach when she told me how many and the specifics of several of her encounters. She is not proud of it and was also shocked that such a "nice and good looking guy" didn't get around....but she was very impressed by it also...it probably made her feel even worse about her past, though. I suspect that this lady at work reacted the same way... I told her that it took self control at times, but it's one of those struggles of good vs evil that I wanted to fight...I have a feeling that she may have often succumbed to the "devil"...fine for her, I'm not judging her...but it's not my style.
Author LankyGuy Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Oh, ironically, I've met most of my wife's HS hookups over the years when visiting her town...little weird. One guy was actually pretty cool and I talked to him a lot...he's actually a lot like me :-) Tall thin guy with a science degree too! The others were all players...and one is now gay :-) But I don't judge my wife either...now that she's an elementary teacher and since she's always been fairly conservative and shy about sex, it just blows me away that that was her. She's going to be super-nervous if we ever have a girl :-/
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 So in the office the other day a few of us were talking about relationships and one of my officemates said something to me implying that I had several sexual partners in the past...I'm 33, by the way. I told her no, just my wife and one of my HS girlfriends. She seemed to be absolutely shocked, saying that especially since I'm a "really good looking guy". It blew her away that I never had casual sex, flings, etc. I told her I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I can tell pretty quicly if a woman is someone that I could see myself in a relationship with...If not, then sharing the intimacies of sex just isn't extremely appealing to me. I basically got used to brushing off womens' advances till I met one that rocked my world...the latest being my wife back when I was 19. The ones that I met and even went out on dates with during a 1 year break-up period when we were dating didn't do much more for me than get a rise in my pants, so I never felt like pursuing it "just" for sex or "good time". I'm not religious and certainly am attracted to women, but I think unlike most men I do need an emotional connection to want to have sex with a woman and I think I could get attached to a woman with something as intimate as a night of sex...not worth it if I know it's something that would only be short term. My co-worker started making me feel like I had really missing out by never playing the field...I told her that it's a nice feeling to no that ALL of my sexual experiences were just with two women...and in fact the only woman I've ever had unprotected sex with is my wife...and I know that my wife likes that :-) And it's not like I'm an ugly guy. I always had girlfriends in elementary, middle and high school, and the "hot" girls that I worked with at Outback Steakhouse when I was in college often flirted with me and asked me to call them...I guess I'm just really picky and not an aggressive guy...in retrospect I bet they suspected I was gay So this lady made me feel like kind of a freak...anyone else on here that's in my position...chose not to have lots of partners for non-religious reasons. Did I miss anything by not spreading my seed? Not at all. I, like you, have only had sex with 2 men. My husband and one that I dated when I was younger. I had afew casual boyfriends too, (obviously before my H) but never slept with them. Fooled around, that's about it. I'm like you, picky and if it didn't feel right, there was gonna be NO way it would ever happen...My first love/crush, I never slept with. To this day I am glad that he wasn't my first! Don't let this co-worker woman make you doubt who you are, sexually in bed, out of bed and if you've had enough experience.
Author LankyGuy Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Thanks. That's great feedback. Sounds like my scenario exactly I also didn't sleep with my 1st GF. She finally invited me up to her bedroom one day for the "the deed" and I actually turned her down. I was 16 and cared for her, but it didn't seem right yet...so I waited for a stronger connection. We broke up shortly after that...I didn't miss her. OK, I'm convinced, I'm not a freak and I didn't miss out on anything :-)
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