sockpuppet Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 I didn't put this in the coping forum because I'm not really looking for advice on how to 'cope' with the breakup. After our relationship of a year (was pretty deep, we lived together abroad for 4 months), my ex and I broke up this past January. I initiated the break up and I had been going through a lot of things unrelated to the relationship that made me not the best boyfriend at the time. Still, while we were dating it was absolutely amazing...I've been in love before and this was something entirely new, and she felt the same way too at the time. Soon after breaking up I came to my senses and wanted to get back with her. She couldn't trust me, and she ended up basically leading me on for 4 months, going so far as making plans to stay at my place for the summer (she lives and goes to school 300 miles away) and getting an internship in my area, only to change her mind at the last minute. I was heartbroken and she told me she couldn't do 'it' anymore, because we were having a hard time trusting each other over the distance. So anyways, it's been 3-4 months since this all happened. I've tried moving on and finding someone new, but it isn't working. I can't get her out of my head. I know she's been dating someone new but I'm pretty sure it's not serious. Normally I'd be huge on saving my dignity and pride and all that, but for this girl I think I might be willing to sacrifice that a little bit if it means reconnecting. So this question is for the ladies here. From the sound of things do I have ANY chance with this girl? I can't even convey 'what we had', and I know a lot of people say this...but in our case I know it was real. We lived abroad together, we traveled together, and at home we always had people talking about the perfect match we were...I had her friends and family telling me they'd never seen her like that before. I've dated a fair amount and I know what I want in a person and she represents that, I even miss her flaws.
sweetbutcheeky Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 She couldn't trust me, and she ended up basically leading me on for 4 months, going so far as making plans to stay at my place for the summer (she lives and goes to school 300 miles away) and getting an internship in my area, only to change her mind at the last minute. I was heartbroken and she told me she couldn't do 'it' anymore, because we were having a hard time trusting each other over the distance. Was there any other reasons why she has a problem with trust? That seemed to have impacted her decision but I couldn't tell where it came from. Was it because you broke up with her and she was afraid you would do it again?
Author sockpuppet Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 I'm still confused about a lot. Between Feb.-May she was telling me she loved me a good amount, but said a time or two she wasn't in love with me anymore. She went from talking about us being together again to saying things like, "just because I'm going to live with you doesn't mean we'll be dating again." But at the same time she would joke with me about how she'd never actually sleep on my couch. She was obviously very confused. Over this time, I guess I hurt things more than helped. I sought reassurrance from her, because she was telling me she couldn't date me, that she needed time...I wanted to make sure she wasn't screwing me over. As time passed, she got a new group of guy friends at her school and it really started to look like she was moving on (there was a one week period where she did a 180 and obviously got her confidence back). The more this became apparent the more I wanted to make sure it wasn't the case, the more frustrated she got (calling me dramatic). But it still seemed so sudden, she said she was being open with me but obviously she wasn't. The reason she couldn't trust me stems from a distrust of guys I think she had to begin with. She rarely lets people in, I was one of the few. I hurt her badly- I'm really ashamed of how I acted. I was insecure about her past and our issues kind of played off each other's, that mixed with the breakup hurt her a lot. Still it only took her a couple of months max to move on and it's been 4 months for me already. I'm just wondering if there's ever a situation where sincere dedication and persistence will pay off with a girl. I don't want to be needy, I want to be able to come across confident. I don't know if it's even possible with her, but I still don't know how her feelings just flatlined from something so intense...even so I'm willing to accept that and even start from scratch if I think there's hope.
daphne Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Sock, I'm sorry to hear you're hurting. Unfortunately, I think she's given it some effort to see how she feels about you, but realizes she can't trust you again. Maybe much later on down the road she could, but not right now. That's the chance you take when you walk away from someone. You may end up realizing what you missed out on, they realize that you weren't as great as they thought cos you could hurt them this way. I hope you're young, cos it's a good lesson to have early on. Yes, some people go back and are lucky that the person is very forgiving. More often than not though, the person just doesn't feel the same way anymore. Especially women.
Author sockpuppet Posted September 22, 2007 Author Posted September 22, 2007 Thanks for the reply...that's the assumption I've had but I just don't understand it. More than whiney feelings of, "it isn't fair and why me?!!" it just blows my mind how feelings can change on a dime like that.
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