past cheaters

[beachlover]

I am curious to know if there are people here who are currently with someone who you know cheated in a past relationship, or if you are the person who cheated in a past relationship and are now in a relationship where you are not cheating.

 

If you are the one who cheated what made you not cheat in other relationships?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wish there were a magic answer, or an easy one but there isn't. I can tell you this - nothing external in a person's life makes them cheat. When a person cheats, it is because they want to and decide to. Plain and simple. They are sitting a little lower on the Maslow ladder when it comes to relationships, which leads them to run a risk/benefit analysis of cheating in their current relationship which works in their favor, and the motivations for cheating are always purely selfish.

 

I was the worst sort of cheater. I was also the worst sort of OW who helped others cheat. Now I'm not, and I never will be again. What changed? Was it 'finding the right guy'? Um. No. Someone asked me something very similar in another thread and this is how I answered:

 

 

LB, you seem like woman with experience form the other side in this situation. What made you wake up and smell the coffee or did anything!

 

 

(my answer) Honestly, there was no 'lightbulb' moment. I wish I could pinpoint the moment, but I can tell you with complete certainty that my cheating/OW days are over. Its an internal thing - biochemical maybe? There was no 'knight in shining armor' that saved me, no 'epiphany' that came to my mind. It was no external thing. It was all internal. Not sure how or why. All I know is that the part of my mind that handled this sort of thing went dormant on me - thankfully. I look back on my days with a sort of fascinated horror that I could have ever done what I did. Its been some years now since that part of me died off. I can't say I miss it.

 

Just like a drug addict, cheaters won't stop until they are ready and willing to, and they make the internal adjustments which allow them to. Nothing you do, or say will change a cheater who isn't there yet. You can try the "well, if I treat them well and give them what they need, they won't cheat" - and I can tell you with certainty - that won't work.

 

If you have a cheater on your hands, know that they can change and not cheat anymore. They just have to be ready, willing and able to.

[Illicit Angel]

 

If you have a cheater on your hands, know that they can change and not cheat anymore. They just have to be ready, willing and able to.

 

Thats very true!

 

I cheated in my last relationship ... there were alot of things that lead up to it. 1 thing being he gave me permission. Cheating can be for many different reasons. Mine were simply settling down, having children to young and wanting to know if the opposite sex would still want me (stupid i know but i needed to know and didn't know a better way to find out) We split a few yrs later. Not because of that purely because it all just fizzled out.

 

Anyway now i am currently in a difficult LDR and the thought of cheating on him actually burns inside, there's no way i could do it. So in answer to your Q yes people can change. I couldn't risk losing him just for sex i'd much rather go without!

 

I think it's all part of settling down and working things out for yourself. At least thats what is was for me

[allina]

I think people cheat because they can and in some relationships they don't care enough not to. When people cheat they feel like cheating is worth it or offers a greater payoff, at least at the moment.

 

I sort of cheated at the end of my last LTR, so did he. We were together for almost a year and a half and it was great up till the last two months. At the very end we both knew it was over but neither of us took action to end things. I tried a few times but he talked me out of it, however he never tried to fix things, we didn't even see eachother much at the end. The last weekend before breaking up I went out with a male friend who I knew was interested in me. I had this feeling of not caring anymore. We had a great time, downed a lot of tequila and made out. On the very same night my then bf's ex was at his house. They didn't "hook up" I hear, but he spend the night in her arms talking and bonding.

 

The next Thursday I ended things, it was hard but I knew we were done. It's funny because way before coming clean to eachother about that weekend we knew what the other one was up to.

 

In this case neither of us really cared anymore, almost like the cheating was worth it. A few months after the brakup we were able to be friends, so it's okay.

 

I never have and never would cheat in my current relationship, I didn't cheat in my short relationship before this one either. The whole thing with the cheating taught me to know when to walk away.

[Illicit Angel]

The whole thing with the cheating taught me to know when to walk away.

 

It took me another 2 yrs to learn that 1 ....... once the passion in a relationship has fizzled the cheating can start unless you learned this and will hopefully not do the same again ........ i know i won't!

 

It's true when they say you can't cheat if your in love

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i have cheated in all my relationships except my current one.

 

i cheated when i was emotionally and mentally over the relationship, and so i was able to convince myself that it was okay because i knew the relationship wouldn't last much longer; i no longer cared about the person i was with.

 

i cheated once when i drunk and stupid and a hot guy i liked for a long time came on to me, that was in high school though.

 

i cheated when i heard rumours that someone cheated on me, when i should have just ended the relationship. the rumours turned out to be untrue, but the damage was done anyway.

 

i cheated when i had a long distance relationship and i had gone away to college only to discover that i could get away with anything and everything...so i did.

 

now i am with someone for several years, we are engaged and things are great. i have no desire for anyone else, and i feel like i am lacking in nothing. i guess i have grown up, as well, so i know to make better decisions than in the past.

 

do i think i will cheat again? absolutely not. why do i think this? well, for one, i had never considered marrying any of the guys i cheated on, i never saw myself with them long-term.

 

some people do not accept the statement "i know i will never cheat" because no one ever knows what will happen in the future, and there is some truth to that, i suppose, even if i feel that i know i will never cheat, which i do. but i feel strongly that i have no desire to cheat and so therefore i won't. if i felt like i was in a situation where those feelings changed, i would now end something before i started another.

 

so my reasons for cheating were probably much the same as most people--lack of maturity, selfishness, not knowing how to end a relationship, lack of respect for my partner, etc.

 

my man knows about my past, i see no reason to lie, it has nothing to do with him. if it was ever a concern to him he never showed it, no jealousy, and he trusts me when we're not together. i think if he thought i would cheat on him based on my past, we would no longer be together, and definitely not engaged and happy.

 

that's why i get mad when people say, once a cheater always cheater. if you've been cheated on and it makes you feel better to think that way, then that's just fine, but i don't like being painted with that brush by someone who's been burned but doesn't know a thing about me.

[beachlover]

Thanks for the insight. I only ask because I had a conversation with a male friend of mine who was in a relationship for more than 2 years and cheated on her every chance he got and now he is in a new relationship and claims he could never cheat on this girl. I didn't understand (and still don't) how he could so easily cheat on one girl but not the other. I have never cheated on anyone and I don't think I ever would so maybe that is why it is so hard for me to understand.

 

I'd love to hear more of what you all think.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

It's true when they say you can't cheat if your in love

 

That is true sometimes, sometimes not. Cheating isn't always dictated by how much or little you feel for your partner. Its mainly how you feel about yourself. A person can love their partner very much and still feel compelled to cheat because they are missing something inside themselves that they feel they can find outside of the relationship. Usually its 'objective validation' - the need to feel desired and wanted objectively. Your partner's desire for you is entirely subjective based on time spent with you, and shared experience. A cheater wants to know that they still 'have it' regardless of having spent time with someone or shared experiences with them.

 

An example of something a cheater would say if he/she had the balls would be something like... "but honey, you don't count - you are married to me, of course you find me attractive. I need to know that complete strangers still find me attractive and desirable..."

 

Its not good enough to be wanted in the context of a long term relationship. They have to know they are still attractive and desirable in general. That's where your 'never look back' one night stands come in. Where your short term affairs come in. They can become long term affairs if the cheater gets him/herself in too deep by falling in love, or having the OW/OM fall in love and not want to let go (because of misleading stuff said by MM/MW in order to keep them around), but... they nearly always go back to the one they cheated on in the first place. Why? Because they love their partner - that was never an issue really. It was all about the cheater, not the person being cheated on.

[Illicit Angel]

but... they nearly always go back to the one they cheated on in the first place. Why? Because they love their partner - that was never an issue really. It was all about the cheater, not the person being cheated on.

 

I personally believe this is more to do with security and knowing this person loves you not that you love them yourself............

 

However i completely agree with cheating isn't about what is lacking in the relationship it's more to do with the relationship/lack off the cheater has with themselves.........

 

Remember the magical feeling of *falling in love* and how this person takes over everything in your mind?? I think as this fades it can be mistaken for not loving anymore, cheating can happen and as a result a cheater could find that you do actually still love .... realising that the initial feeling can never last but becomes deeper and more meaning full.

 

A cheater will change and never cheat again if they figure out what they want and how to bring that in to their lives. I guess it's kind of trial and error, growing up and learning how to have a real relationship with themselves extending that into relationships with others ....... i don't know, what do you guy's think?????

[NYCmitch25]

I wish there were a magic answer, or an easy one but there isn't. I can tell you this - nothing external in a person's life makes them cheat. When a person cheats, it is because they want to and decide to. Plain and simple. ....

 

 

...Just like a drug addict, cheaters won't stop until they are ready and willing to, and they make the internal adjustments which allow them to. Nothing you do, or say will change a cheater who isn't there yet. ....

 

 

Good dialog! I would say that you have described chronic cheaters very acutely, well done. I would contend that one-time cheaters who feel remorse and so forth can actually have a stronger relationship with their spouses after working through it. Not all is lost.

 

People cheat for various reasons, from issues of self worth "validation" to feelings of incompleteness. In some cases people can do it even in a masochistic fashion, purposely trying to sabotage their good relationships sometimes without realizing it.

 

 

 

ps.Something I personally have done is to just let it all go, I don't think about my partner's pasts, and I don't think about them cheating. If they do it, they do it.. I would probably notice things weren't goin so well long before it got to that point anyway. I think?

[Aussie65]

well here goes....I cheated through my marriage in the latter years not for the sex but for the attention.Since those days I have grown up a lot and regret what I did,I think thats whats most important is that you do have a conscience about it.Back then I could not care less,I hate to say it.I guess I fell out of the "inlove".My ex husband was a wonderful man,I jyust was not happy.I wanted to go places,do things and he didn't.He was a very serious type person unlike myself so we grew apart.

I am now with a serial cheater,his past record is very bad yet I do believe everyone CAN change if you find the right person.I do though worry at times he will cheat...here I am an ex cheater myself worrying about if my mans going to cheat on me.A day at a time it is now for me,I don't know how I would deal with things if my man cheated on my,I know I would be crushed.

Anyhow,I am one that does not believe in the old saying 'once a cheater always one'

[bish]

now i am with someone for several years, we are engaged and things are great. i have no desire for anyone else, and i feel like i am lacking in nothing. i guess i have grown up, as well, so i know to make better decisions than in the past.

 

do i think i will cheat again? absolutely not. why do i think this? well, for one, i had never considered marrying any of the guys i cheated on, i never saw myself with them long-term.

 

Uh huh...just wait til the 7 year itch comes along. With a serial cheater like you....its just a matter of time.

 

my man knows about my past

 

Then he is a fool.

 

that's why i get mad when people say, once a cheater always cheater. if you've been cheated on and it makes you feel better to think that way, then that's just fine, but i don't like being painted with that brush by someone who's been burned but doesn't know a thing about me.

 

You just told us you've NEVER been faithful....oh...except now. What else is anyone to think about a serial cheater?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Uh huh...just wait til the 7 year itch comes along. With a serial cheater like you....its just a matter of time.

 

Then he is a fool.

 

You just told us you've NEVER been faithful....oh...except now. What else is anyone to think about a serial cheater?

 

 

 

feel free to think whatever you like, you're not anyone i need to be concerned with. you obviously ignored most of my post, which is fine, it wasn't for you anyway.

 

just because you've been cheated on doesn't mean every past cheater is a jerk out to hurt you and cheat again. some people just need to grow up and learn some things. i did that.

 

i had my experiences in high school and college. i did a lot of things then besides cheating that i would never even consider now. but i'm also not a 14-year old anymore, nor 17, nor 19.

 

that's all over and now i'm an adult in an adult relationship, i have responsibilities, and i know how to cultivate my relationship in a healthy way. i don't lie, i don't keep secrets, and i abhor those who do. i've learned a lot from my mistakes, and no, i'm not sorry for them. i got over it. you should too.

 

i am sorry you have such a narrow mind--though honestly, i don't know that i would be so quick to get in a relationship with someone who had a past like mine either, but one thing i have on my side is i'm honest about it, with myself and the man who loves me. anyone who doesn't think so, well, i guess they can go pound sand.

 

so basically, i could see why think you the way you do. what i am telling you about me from me is that you're wrong. and i don't appreciate you calling my fiance a fool. i don't assume things about you, so please watch your tone. not sure why you took this so personally when you don't know either of us, or anything about our relationship (including how long we've been together) but sorry if i struck a nerve.

[oppath]

Bish was recently cheated on and I completely understand his perspective. Kenzie, it sounds like you have acknowledged your checkered past and disclose things with your fiance; basically, you give him information that allows HIM to make choices about your relationship, about his life. That is the opposite of what cheaters do in relationships.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Cobra_X30]

Well Kenzie,

 

I read your initial post and though I dont overall agree with Bish, you do send up some pretty strong red flags!

 

I realize that poeple grow and change, and that you view most of your indiscretions as due to your youth and lack of interest in your partner at the time. However, people rarely change in a drastic way... and despite the fact that you did not view your partners of the past as permanent solutions, you still chose to deal with that in a hurtful and dishonest manner.

 

See its not that you cant change... it's that now you have to work double hard to prevent this behavior in the future, because you have experienced this in the past.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Well Kenzie,

 

I read your initial post and though I dont overall agree with Bish, you do send up some pretty strong red flags!

 

I realize that poeple grow and change, and that you view most of your indiscretions as due to your youth and lack of interest in your partner at the time. However, people rarely change in a drastic way... and despite the fact that you did not view your partners of the past as permanent solutions, you still chose to deal with that in a hurtful and dishonest manner.

 

See its not that you cant change... it's that now you have to work double hard to prevent this behavior in the future, because you have experienced this in the past.

 

red flags to who? no one who matters to me.

 

and what you're not getting is that i have already changed. the relationship i am in is not a new relationship. and i'm not "working hard" at not cheating; it doesn't even cross my mind. i'm over it, and i have been. people not believing me doesn't mean it's not the truth. i kinda know me.

 

i've experienced a lot in the past, none of which i have repeated. cheating is only one of those things. i'm not a teenager anymore, i'm not 20. i've sown my oats, i guess. i used to drink a lot too, now i don't. i messed with some other stuff too, now i don't. for some reason, people hear 'cheating' and think you are a monster, and that you will always be that monster. maybe some people keep being that monster, a lot, even. but not me. and i can only speak for myself.

 

i appreciate your first post. the second one i could have done without.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Bish was recently cheated on and I completely understand his perspective. Kenzie, it sounds like you have acknowledged your checkered past and disclose things with your fiance; basically, you give him information that allows HIM to make choices about your relationship, about his life. That is the opposite of what cheaters do in relationships.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

no matter what you read after, this is still true.

[Cobra_X30]

um, but what you're not getting is that i have already changed. the relationship i am in is not a new relationship. and i'm not "working hard" at not cheating; it doesn't even cross my mind. i'm over it, and i have been. people not believing me doesn't mean it's not the truth. i kinda know me.

 

i've experienced a lot in the past, none of which i have repeated. cheating is only one of those things. i'm not a teenager anymore, i'm not 20. i've sown my oats, i guess. i used to drink a lot too, now i don't. i messed with some other stuff too, now i don't. for some reason, people hear 'cheating' and think you are a monster, and that you will always be that monster. maybe some people keep being that monster, a lot, even. but not me. and i can only speak for myself.

 

i appreciate your first post. the second one i could have done without.

 

LOL... I'm not trying to rag on you. I'm trying to explain why even though you have changed its still going to be hard for you.

 

I know people who have been through the exact same scenario. Truth is he hasn't cheated on his SO either, but once the passion started to wane in his relationship, he started thinking about it. Like an ex smoker jones'in for a cigarette.

 

Do I think your a monster... no I dont. Do I think its going to take a little more than saying... Won't do that again... yes I do. Be on guard! When things get rough in your relationship... pay attention to what you do and who you spend time with.

 

Does that make any sense?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

LOL... I'm not trying to rag on you. I'm trying to explain why even though you have changed its still going to be hard for you.

 

I know people who have been through the exact same scenario. Truth is he hasn't cheated on his SO either, but once the passion started to wane in his relationship, he started thinking about it. Like an ex smoker jones'in for a cigarette.

 

Do I think your a monster... no I dont. Do I think its going to take a little more than saying... Won't do that again... yes I do. Be on guard! When things get rough in your relationship... pay attention to what you do and who you spend time with.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

 

it does make sense. what i am telling is that i don't need to be told that, because i know.

 

and no, it's not hard for me, and it won't be hard. we've gone through many things, i didn't "fix it" by cheating. i know how to deal with relationships, whereas as a teen and adolescent, i obviously didn't. i was selfish and had no respect for who i was with, so i didn't care. i always came clean afterward.

 

i don't know why it's so hard to understand that people can do something and then never do it again when they're in a TOTALLY different situation. probably because you don't know anything else about me. i'm sure "you know people", i know people too. but they aren't me.

 

it's just funny to me that the issue is so far from my mind, all this was soooo long ago, it's just so ridiculous for someone who knows nothing about me to jump all over me and tell me hard times are coming and i'll probably deal by cheating. been there, done that, learned from it, moved on.

[Cobra_X30]

it does make sense. what i am telling is that i don't need to be told that, because i know.

 

and no, it's not hard for me, and it won't be hard. we've gone through many things, i didn't "fix it" by cheating. i know how to deal with relationships, whereas as a teen and adolescent, i obviously didn't. i was selfish and had no respect for who i was with, so i didn't care. i always came clean afterward.

 

i don't know why it's so hard to understand that people can do something and then never do it again when they're in a TOTALLY different situation. probably because you don't know anything else about me. i'm sure "you know people", i know people too. but they aren't me.

 

it's just funny to me that the issue is so far from my mind, all this was soooo long ago, it's just so ridiculous for someone who knows nothing about me to jump all over me and tell me hard times are coming and i'll probably deal by cheating. been there, done that, learned from it, moved on.

 

Ha, it sounds like your older than I thought you were!

 

I still grapple with this crap all the time, so I'm glad to hear its not a worry for you!

 

Your only real problem is that your in bad company... so many others never change. Casts suspicion on those like you who figure it out. Well, keep fighting! I think you could give people hope!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Ha, it sounds like your older than I thought you were!

 

I still grapple with this crap all the time, so I'm glad to hear its not a worry for you!

 

Your only real problem is that your in bad company... so many others never change. Casts suspicion on those like you who figure it out. Well, keep fighting! I think you could give people hope!

 

i really appreciate that, thank you. it is very frustrating when people can't see past that. i can see the reason for suspicion, but if i'm saying "it's not like that for me" well, then it's not like that for me.

 

i do agree, others never change, and i am sad for them because they will never know an honest relationship. as for me, i am glad i got all the bad stuff out of my system. i was such a selfish, miserable bytch.

[bish]

feel free to think whatever you like, you're not anyone i need to be concerned with.

 

Then why respond?...hmmmmmm.

 

just because you've been cheated on doesn't mean every past cheater is a jerk out to hurt you and cheat again. some people just need to grow up and learn some things. i did that.

 

uh huh....ok...

 

so basically, i could see why think you the way you do. what i am telling you about me from me is that you're wrong. and i don't appreciate you calling my fiance a fool.

 

Oh it wasn't meant to be mean to your fiance...he'll just probably end up learning the hard way.

 

i don't assume things about you, so please watch your tone. not sure why you took this so personally when you don't know either of us, or anything about our relationship (including how long we've been together) but sorry if i struck a nerve.

 

I know cheaters...and you can't trust a one of them. And yes..once a cheater...always a cheater.

[bish]

Bish was recently cheated on and I completely understand his perspective.

 

More importantly...by someone who said it would never happen again and that they "learned from their mistakes' and "grew up".

 

But it was a good thing...cuz I'll never be played for a fool again. And living by "once a cheater, always a cheater" will save me from being with someone unworthy.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

More importantly...by someone who said it would never happen again and that they "learned from their mistakes' and "grew up".

 

But it was a good thing...cuz I'll never be played for a fool again. And living by "once a cheater, always a cheater" will save me from being with someone unworthy.

 

so...you'll never be played the fool? i can honestly say more confidently that i won't cheat again than you can say you will never again be cheated on, because at least i can control my actions. you can't control someone else who may cheat.

 

the kind of person you are will always be cheated on with that kind of attitude.

 

i respond because i have a right to tell someone when they are wrong about me, and other people have a right to see that not everyone is the same. my point was that what you say doesn't affect me in my real life, which is what matters.

 

the person you knew who cheated on you isn't me. if it makes you feel better to take it out on me, and to feel like other people will be cheated on by me so you're not alone in your hurt and bitter feelings, far be it from me to take that away from you. i don't want you to hurt. but i do want you to realize i'm not the one who hurt you.

[bish]

so...you'll never be played the fool? i can honestly say more confidently that i won't cheat again than you can say you will never again be cheated on, because at least i can control my actions. you can't control someone else who may cheat.

 

No, I'll never be played a fool again...meaning if someone cheats, then no 2nd chances...they are gone. I'm not going to listen to that, "it won't happen again" bull.

 

the kind of person you are will always be cheated on with that kind of attitude.

 

Nice try. I have this attitude because of people like you.